I’m watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians from the beginning and I’ve literally never seen an episode before.

There are 17 seasons. Welcome to my quarantine.

Season 1: Kendall and Kylie are so much children that Kim was “Kylie, Kendall said she didn’t kick you first”

It’s kind of insane how they all look like straight up different people.

KRIS JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM A GUY IN JAIL OFFERING KIM A BIKINI SHOOT he’s in fuckin jail, I cannot.

“Joe, where are you?!”
“I’m in jail!”
“Can’t believe you have time to do this from jail.”
“Well, there’s not much else to do in jail.”

Lmfao

I just saw the origin of “you’re doing amazing sweetie”

“Kim, wake up. Khloe’s in jail.”

Also. Kim literally was wearing white butterfly clips to hold her hair back every day people should not even buy butterfly clips, those are for holding towels around your neck at the hairdresser.

And she said “I’m a wardrobe stylist” girl I hope not

Kourtney called Scott on a landline

Guys if you had told me that this show would have Kris Jenner peeing outside in the rain on a road trip in a party bus to Las Vegas on a celebratory Kourtney isn’t pregnant trip, I would’ve watched it ten years ago

Kim has a Sidekick covered in pink Swarovski crystals.

Literally take me back to 2007, this is amazing

As someone from a family that is four sisters and a brother, three sisters holding down their brother on the kitchen table so that they can wax his chest for a date is like the most hilarious thing I’ve ever witnessed.

Season 1 Finale of Keeping Up: Kim is very excited about hosting a car show and being in the public eye.

Just wait, Kim. Just wait.

I wish I could go back in time to 2007 @KimKardashian who was complaining about the media thinking she was a “Slore” and thought her butt was too big, and just tell her like... baby you are gonna inspire an entire generation to love their curves and take their clothes off

I just learned Kim has ANOTHER ex-husband from before the family got famous. Is it weird that I feel like I’m learning a piece of American history?

Scott said, “I don’t know if you’re serious! These dudes are FBI? They’re not wearing very nice suits.”

LMFAO FUCKIN RICH PEOPLE

If I’m going to do this right, I should probably also watch the spin-off’s so anyway I found a master list of how to watch everything in order. So update, that’s the plan now. Do I include everything on this same thread? It’ll be like 500 tweets long

Season 2: Kourtney thinks Scott is cheating. Even though the sisters are supposedly running a business and working super hard, they take a spur of the moment vacation to cheer her up.

Lmfao @ baby Kylie pretending to be Kim.
“I CANT STAY IN A CRAPPY HOTEL”

I just don’t believe like a single minute of these like.. the girls are just regular girls, working retail, being sisters.

We’re supposed to believe that they ever worked another day in their store after they had their own tv show?

Lmfao Kris’s cheerleading audition. She is a truly terrible dancer.

Caitlyn and the kids come with? What even is this

Kourtney told Kendall she got her period when she was 11 and didn’t tell anyone for a year.
Literally, I did the EXACT same thing, and I thought I was so weird for it! Like I was weirdly ashamed and hid it? Idk puberty is wild

EW OMG THEYRE IN THE SURGICAL ROOM FOR KRIS’S KNEE SURGERY WHAT THE FUCK

Awww okay Caitlyn is my favorite one on the show, fight me.

They showed stuff from Kendall’s birth video and she said, “now remember, when you’re a teenager, I’m still your friend”

“Can I have $50?”

“Kendall, you have to think about what you’re asking for, money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“Yes it does, it’s paper.”

Omg Kendall has learned capitalism.
Her dad is paying her $10 to walk the dog, and she found some neighborhood dog walker to do it for $5 and she’s keeping the change

Jesus Christ, this foreshadowing is just nuts

I wish Kim and Kourtney would just leave Khloe alone. She 100% does not need their interference in her love life

Rob keeps saying “while my girlfriend Adrienne is in India” and I just realized SHE IS ON SET FILMING CHEETAH GIRLS 3

I don’t really understand what this fight Kim and Khloe are having about Kim’s Bentley is?
What is everyone so upset about

DON’T BE FUCKING RUDE

I love how every time Kris defends Kim, Khloe is just like “you really love that 10%, huh Kris?”

Omfg Kris got Kendall and Kylie’s names tattooed and she said “Kim and Kourtney and Khloe don’t.”
Which I thought was like awful enough, and then I realized SHE LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN MENTION ROB damn it’s really gotta be a bummer to be Rob

Man kris treats them like they’re sixteen, I have to keep reminding myself they’re almost 30.

Kourtney very much has oldest child syndrome she’s like “I act amazing I’m not the problem” every single time

Ten year old Kylie is amazing. She just squished her face into Kris’s chest and “YOUR BOOB IS REALLY SQUISHY! YOUR BOOB IS REALLY SQUISHY! YOUR BOOB IS REALLY SQUISHY!”

Oh my god Khloe you’re gonna die, Paul Wall is gonna be there.

I do really love the helping people episodes that they do. Like the homeless guy in season one and the Katrina survivors in season two. Like this is so cute

Season 3: these seasons are stupid short at the beginning and we’re still using this same awful intro from season 1

Khloe is straight up going to jail and she’s like, “This judge is crazy, mom it isn’t a big deal. You’re overreacting.”
At least Mallika’s talking some sense into her. She’s like, “I’m sorry, Khloe, but you’re wrong.”

We all need a friend like that ok

“Sometimes I just really wish daddy was here, because he probably could give us all a lot of good advice.”

Yeah, dude, he got OJ off he might have actually been the world’s best lawyer

Kim, would you stop taking pictures of yourself? Your sister’s going to jail.

Wait hold the fucking phone, Khloe was literally only in jail for three hours? what even is the point of that? Was the judge just teaching her a lesson? Did Kris arrange it for the show? I don’t understand.

“I’ve been out of jail for a couple days.”

KHLOE I don’t think three hours in jail counts as being in jail that’s literally like.. an intake procedure and then processing you to leave. Lmao

Kris crying at Robert’s grave

Kourtney booked her first magazine cover and Kris was like “HEY DO YOU HAVE A MANAGER LET ME HELP YOU” oh the momager

If I ever spoke to my mom the way they speak to their mom she would never forgive me.

YOU’RE DOING THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS, KIM, WE HAVE A CONTRACT.

The fact that Kim brought Kourtney and Khloe INTO the operating room with her while she was getting LASIK eye surgery is almost as insane as the fact that the reason she wanted to get LASIK was so that she could see better in her rehearsals with the pussycat dolls

“You’re all leaving, that’s it? I’m just left with me and my colon?” I can’t, Caitlyn

Literally 11 year old Kylie Jenner is a STAR.
“Motorcycle plus hot mama plus Dad equals ~*chemistry*~”

As a heavily tattooed person, watching a family freak out over tattoos makes me uncomfortable.

“You need to start from the bottom just like we did.”

Kourtney. Lmfao. What bottom

The swanky restaurant they’re at to meet Khloe’s new boyfriend is called “Ketchup” what

Khloe went to look at apartments in New York and they showed her a $25k/month two floor penthouse, and then when she said it was too expensive, they showed her a BASEMENT STUDIO WITH NO STOVE and suggested she get a Murphy bed and a hot plate SAVAGE

We are witnessing the first occurrence of someone in the family contemplating plastic surgery (of which I assume will happen twice a season)

ELEVEN year old Kylie in a tube top and glittery makeup says, “how old was Kourtney when she got a boob job?” she is not here to fuckin play

Kylie just said “I promise I won’t grow up too fast,” but like.. five years later she gets lip injections at 16 and dates an entire adult rapper while she’s underage so

I HAAAAATE “Bible.” HATE IT. HATE IT.

Please tell me they stop saying “Bible” after a couple seasons. Is this a Kardashian thing or a 2009 thing?

Okay, I went to go watch Kourtney and Khloe take Miami, and turns out that to watch any of the Kardashian shows that aren’t Keeping Up, you need the special expensive Hulu that’s $55/month. I don’t think I can justify that, y’all.

I broke down and paid for the expensive Hulu so I could watch the spin-off’s

Kourtney and Khloe take Miami, Season 1: Khloe has a radio show? Khloe After Dark

Dash number two here we come

Kim has showed up and Khloe is already reading her her rights.

“You’re not really a part of this. You’re a part owner of the store but you didn’t do anything.”

It took five minutes for a sister fight in the back of the car and Kim’s not even supposed to be on this shit

This is the first season of any of these I’ve watched that looks like modern day reality tv. I don’t feel like I’m watching some weird shit from the past anymore

Kim is painting over graffiti on the outside of Dash in her Louboutins.
ALTERNATE REALITY

Khloe’s dumb ass literally just pulled cocaine out of her bag on her radio show and was like “LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN MY STORE!!!” Literally how dumb and privileged must you be to advertise your felony drug possession and not consider the consequences of that

Jackie Cruz from Orange is the New Black asking Kourtney Kardashian if she’s ever been with a girl is ~*viiiiiiBe*~

I honestly feel for Kim so much, like everyone is berating her to drink and being like WHY DONT YOU JUST HAVE A DRINK and as someone who only drinks like three times a year, I am exhausted by people like that.

They convinced this poor girl to drink and now she overdid it and is like puking all over the place I am so fuckin familiar like this blows

I watched like two entire episodes without tweeting. Kourtney is making wildly questionable choices and her friends suck.

Im supposed to believe a storyline where Omarion is interested in Khloe and she doesn’t straight up jump on it?

KOURTNEY IS PREGNANT W BABY MASON holy shit
She took six pregnancy tests same girl.

Okay we left Miami, Season 4 of Keeping Up:

Khloe met Lamar five minutes ago. She’s getting married! The parents have moved into a giant new home with Rob! Kourtney and Scott are playing house! Everything has changed!

Either everyone is getting better at acting or they’re just so used to cameras being around that they’ve stopped filtering their reactions

Kim talking about why she *def isn’t jealous* of Khloe getting married

“Vera Wang has been a friend of the family for years, and she has agreed to design my dress”

ITS SEVEN DAYS AWAY. YOU HAVENT TOLD YOUR STEP DAD YET. RUN AWAY. DO NOT MARRY THAT INSANE MAN.

Literally if I were Cait I would be so incredibly hurt. I cannot imagine finding out my entire family knew my daughter was getting married and kept it from me. This is horrifying to watch, I want to cry.

Khloe asking Caitlyn to walk her down the aisle has me SOBBING why did I go from not caring about this to ACTUALLY SOBBING in a SINGLE DAY

Amazing to know that even America’s Royal Family isn’t immune to putting all their bridesmaids in god awful pastel purple satin dresses

if there is one single mother in the world that doesn’t jump all over her daughters to settle down, I would like to meet her

I know Scott was like a little untrustworthy the first year or so they were together, but like... he’s awesome now.

Depressed Kim makes me so sad YOU DO NOT NEED REGGIE BUSH KIMBERLY

How the fuck tall is Lamar Odom, because Khloe is 5’9”, which means she’s over 6 feet in heels, and she IN HEELS, only comes up to his SHOULDERS. This man has gigantism

No one should be this tall, it’s bad for your organs.

Kris Jenner tried to slip Viagra into her spouse’s coffee and accidentally ended up giving her son a medically dangerous boner and I just...

OH OKAY so we are getting Kendall and Kylie talking heads now, season four means they’re old enough to actually be in the show I guess

You know who Scott Disick is JUST LIKE?

Also Rob is so fuckin messy. He is straight up stalking Adrienne.

KIM RESCUED A DOG AND I WANT A DOG HOW CUTE

“You’re 60 years old”
“What I got left over is more than what most people ever had.”

Alright, we’re doing a charity boxing match where people can bid on how much they’ll pay to beat the shit out of a Kardashian. Idk why they think this is safe even a little bit but

Scott loves Kourtney so much I know after they break up he dates like a 19 year old so I really hope he’s pretty good in the middle part cause I feel guilty for loving him rn

They guy officiating these boxing matches literally says, “remember, this is an exhibition for charity” but I guarantee you these people are only here to kick some celebrity ass, they do not care

KIM IS TOO PURE FOR THIS LIFE she literally said she’s scared for her life but she promised this girl with cancer she’d try to win for her so she’s fighting even after she watched some psychopath basically try to kill her brother in the ring

This like.. Kim’s birthday in Vegas, Scott is drunk, Kourtney doesn’t care, Khloe missed her flight, the pilot is sick shit is WILD. Kris Jenner is the hardest working woman in the world

MASON DASH DISICK

Season 2 of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami:

Khloe is pissed that she has to come check on the store that she owns instead of sitting around with her husband of twelve minutes

I’m just gonna say it, I don’t like Lamar for Khloe. She’s weirdly obsessed with him.

Lmfao Kourtney burned the shit out of Khloe’s vagina and in walks a shirtless Scott to hand a pantsless Khloe frozen vegetables to ice her genitals

Drunk Kourtney throwing her breast milk on Khloe is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen

Literally the fake ass dumb ass baby voice Khloe uses w Lamar

Lol Kourtney just called her out on it though so all is right with the world

People are always telling me Khloe is their favorite and I was like “eh I could see that” but now I’m watching the show and I’m like... is there a drastic personality change at some point? Bc sabotaging someone’s job and constantly harassing your sister’s partner AINT IT

Cannot believe Kourtney used Jackie as a whole fucking pawn, which she was clearly terribly uncomfortable with, and then Scott literally flashed her. That poor girl

HOT TAKE: 90% of diets are just a form of disordered eating.

LOVE YOURSELF. No bikini is worth starving yourself. No man is worth working out three times a day. No modeling opportunity is worth being hungry.

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. LOVE YOURSELF.

Lmfao Khloe left Miami and Kim came to save the day and help Kourtney out, and the minute she walked in to the condo she caught Kourtney and Scoot boning on the balcony

I’m zero percent interested in any of the storylines of the Dash girls

Truly like... not one single member of the Kardashian family has ever asked Kourtney if she’s happy with Scott. They’ve never, “do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him?” All these assholes do it “HES TRASH LEAVE HIM” which suuuuucks

Kim is such a good sister, Kourtney just came in her room and woke her up at 4:30 and she went straight into support mode and wasn’t even mad about being woken up.

I would’ve DECKED my sisters for gettin my ass up at 4am

I’m not saying they’re wrong to be concerned, but she clearly isn’t hearing it so I feel like it’s time to change tactics.

Y’all, my mind has FLIPPED, I’m afraid of Scott.

The Scott alcoholism situation makes me very sad and I don’t know how to feel about it, I’m just sad

Kourtney left Scott in Miami and went back home to LA with Mason.

Y’all know what that means—I somehow watched another full season of fuckin reality television tonight. ONWARD!

Season 5 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians:

Kris makes pasta every night and for some reason Kendall thinks that’s a bad thing. She takes a break from boiling the water to have a five minute living room vow renewal, which is adorable.

Only Caitlyn could take Kim from an anxiety attack about a red wine stain into a joyful food fight in her kitchen.

Parent of the year.

I wonder if Ryan Seacrest credits himself for the insane fame of the Kardashians

Kim: I think your eyes are a little too smoky for every day
Kris: Yeah, I’m going through a phase is that okay with you?

I don’t think I realized HOW Armenian the Kardashians are. They did a traditional Armenian dance at the wedding, Kim said she wants to just find a nice Armenian boy.

How the hell did she end up with Kanye’s crazy ass

Kris said “my home beautiful for my family” bitch OUR home OUR family, how you gonna talk to your spouse like that

I understand why Kris is mad at Scott, but you like gotta be respectful

Do we only get one episode of Shengo?! I like Shengo!

Rich people are so nuts, Kourtney is more embarrassed to go to the store to buy lube than she is to tell an assistant to go to the store and buy her lube

Khloe is being a very good big sister taking care of Kylie and sitting down with Cait before she just like unloads on her.

Baby Kylie is super cute actually. I’m obsessed with her gigantic eyeballs.

Khloe: This floor was NOT made for high heels.
Kris: Most people don’t design their garage floors around high heels.

Hey Twitter, can one of you just send me like a Kris Jenner one liner mastercut? that’s all I gotta see from this show to be honest

Scott and Caitlyn having a lil Outing is SOOOOO CUTE

I really slacked as I came to the end of Season 5 because I was making things w my hands while I was watching but ONWARD WE GO

Kourtney and Kim Take New York Season 1:

Apparently we have not given up on Dash yet. I’m so bored by them owning stores

Kim “I don’t chase people” Kardashian

OOP Kim gets a text from a Kanye West. He’s gonna come give them advice on the new Dash store.

This is much earlier in the timeline than I expected him to come into the story, Kim hasn’t even had a six day marriage to whatever that white guy’s name is yet

Scott: if I could sing, I would
Kanye: that would be the death of hip hop

Omg this guy Michael leaned in to kiss Kim on their date and she like giggled and pushed him away

Scott is the fuckin best honestly. The tabloids are publishing all this shit about her and he’s like, “you went on an innocent date, you didn’t sleep with the guy! The magazines are all gonna day you did, but you know you didn’t. You gotta live your life for you”

Omg return of Shengo. Hell yeah

AYYYYYY KIMS BONING SHENGO I LOVE IT. I am so team Shengo

Lmao so Shengo does the walk of shame in the middle of their meeting with some Australian guys, and the guy at the meeting hears him talk, points to the table, and goes, “are you responsible for those TimTams?”

omg

Scott dresses like a kid who is being a mobster as his Halloween costume

Lmao @ Kourtney getting in the car with Scott and arguing with him with a smile on her face because there are paparazzi around

There are two types of people at parties.

Kourtney: (smiling)watching my mom do a keg stand is probably one of the highlights of my entire life
Kim: (the straightest straight face) I can’t even deal with my mom doing a keg stand. Like, there are no words.

Okay guys I am back. Kim and Kourtney are at FAO Schwarz bein cute and playing with the toys

This whole Scott has a cane thing is ridiculous. Also it was THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS

I feel bad for Kim. She’s the left our sister which is like a terrible feeling

Kim and Kourtney trying time ride the subway and asking everyone down there is they’re scared and if they rob people is SCREAMING PRIVILEGE

IM SORRY Kim’s moving to New York?!

Scott trying to start a proposal to Kourtney and her being like, “I mean why mess this up, who needs a wedding?” is too relatable of content

Poor Scott

Okay I took a few days off from watching this stuff, but I’m back.

Season 6 of Keeping Up. Kim is dating Kris Humphries now

HELL YEAH KIM

Rob: actually Khloe gives me an allowance

Kim: that’s fucking pathetic, you’re fucking 24 years old, get a fucking job and stop living off your sisters

Kendall’s starting her modeling career it helps to be famous obviously but she actually is like a GREAT model

Such a pushyyyyy family! Mind ya business!!

Khloe and Kylie just like cuddling on the couch is so cute

This Kris wanting time change her last name to Kardashian thing is horrible

Kim’s butt xray is like the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m glad everyone is Team Scott now because I am also Team Scott, but they need to get out of Kourtney’s business with this whole pushing her to get married thing

STOP SAYING BIBLE HOW ARE WE NOT DONE SAYING BIBLE YET

Rob fully had appendicitis and his whole family the entire time was like MAYBE IF YOU WERENT A DRUNK YOUR STOMACH WOULDNT HURT like wtf

Man when Kim came out with that body foundation a while back I was like... what kind of insane person would be so obsessed with looking perfect?!

And now I'm learning she has psoriasis and I feel really bad, because it's actually a great product for that and for lots of people.

Every season they get less and less like real people. For instance, season one everyone made jokes about how Kris was constantly making pasta for family dinner. Now they have a chef every Sunday for family dinner.

I appreciate that they want to take the kids to a homeless shelter to teach them about how fortunate they are, but I also feel like they're kind of exploiting the less fortunate on this show.

I really have no patience for how every time someone approaches Kris to tell her she is being unkind to her family, she's like "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME."

noooooo baby LISTEN to them

SCOTT NOOOOO why are you drinking

Scott said, "Kendall and Kylie could be the biggest stars of all of them but Kris isn't giving them the attention they deserve"

IF ONLY HE KNEW HOW RIGHT HE WAS

Omg an iconic moment I am witnessing it

Lmfao Kourtney has no chill at all

I don’t like “don’t be emotional” ass people. Like SORRY SOME OF US HAVE FEELINGS, Kris Humphries.

This just makes me want to go to Tahiti

Kris didn’t know Kim was married before even though it’s been on television

If I was married for twenty years and tried to surprise my spouse with a vow renewal and they told me they didn’t want to do it, I would be SO HURT.

I like that we got a couple episodes in Bora Bora, it’s nice to have like a through line for the season

It’s funny to me that Kris Humphries has all these issues with Kim wanting to spend money when like... she makes a shit ton of money, they decided to keep their money separate, AND he’s the one that bought her a 2 million dollar ring

A diamond CAN be too big, y’all

Hold the phone, we’re starting the “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” episode with an announcement that they’re getting divorced?

Kris Humphries very much doesn’t fit in, like this is pretty clear that it isn’t working great

Man to get famous enough that you get engaged and then people just send over sketches for custom gowns without you even asking

Lmao Kris Jenner is making divorce jokes. IF ONLY YOU KNEW

I hate how they go into the room for surgery I just saw the inside of Kris Jenner’s face

“Suck me dry, beautiful”

No but Scott telling them to go easy on Kris Humphries because he’s just trying to fit in is such wholesome content

This man is literally driving a Rolls Royce and he has a problem with how Kim spends her money. I think he thinks he makes more money than her? Lmfao

He said, “I don’t like sparkles. I don’t want to be too girly.” I’m sorry you’re marrying Kim Kardashian

Man the Kris and Kris battle scenes in this wedding planning suck.

Earlier in this thread I referred to Kris Humphries as the white guy Kim was married to for six minutes, but it turns out that he’s biracial and it was 72 days so. Just a little correction