Right, so with lockdown upon us and Disney+ out, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands. Never seen Marvel before so thought I’d take the opportunity to watch them all in chronological order. Will tweet my reviews as we go along...

Captain America: The First Avenger - 6.5/10. Small guy gets experimented on and becomes strong and fast. Breaks into army base to save his mate and later defeats red Voldemort.

Captain Marvel - 6/10. Starts off on planet with a woman who has fire flowing through her hands fighting some weird green guys. Keeps having flashbacks. Moves to earth and discovers she is actually human and the green guys are actually sound. Introduced how The avengers formed.

Iron Man - 7/10. Rich bloke gets kidnapped so builds a metal suit to kill the Afghans but kills his dads mate instead because he was working for them.

Iron Man 2 - 5/10. Russian guy doesn’t like rich bloke so copies his idea to try and kill him but fails. Big fight at end and rich bloke wins.

Thor - 6/10. Prince/God tries to start a war but fails. Gets thrown out of his kingdom for his alien brother to try and kill him. Likes hammers.

The Avengers - 8/10. Loki arrives on earth and steals the tesseract. Fury summons black widow to get the boy band back together. Kidnap Loki, Thor steals him then the team all meet up and make friends. Loki escapes and there’s a massive fight in NYC against outer space whales.

Iron Man 3 - 8/10. Crazy terrorist guy blowing places up in the US. Rich bloke gets questioned by media and threatens to kill him. Gives everyone his address (unfortunately no mental house party) and house gets blown up (would’ve been cool if this happened after a mental house...

…party...). Disappears and encounters people who turn into fire. Turns out terrorist bloke is just a Liverpool fan from England. Big fight with mongy guy from beginning then fireworks of Iron Man suits at the end. Top film.

Thor: The Dark World - 6.5/10. Thor’s defending the other realms in existence when Jane decides to fuck things up and get lost so Thor goes to find her. She’s now got some red power thing inside of her so Thor takes her back to Heaven (not to be confused with the holiday park)...

...Big fight and his mum dies. Thor decides Loki could be useful and go to secret passage to get red stuff out of Jane. Then Loki cuts off his hand but it was a trick to fool the elf guy. But then Loki gets stabbed and dies. Weird Elf (the 9th Doctor) guys decides Earth is a…

...good place to invade (how convenient). Thor fights the Doctor and hops on a Tube to Greenwich to continue fighting him. Spaceship kills the Doctor (but doesn’t regenerate). Plot twist: Loki is still alive.

Captain America: Winter Soldier - 7/10. CA starts off going for a casual jog at 26mph. Goes off with Black widow after she picks him up to have a big fight on boat. They obvs win. Fury is in a cool car chase but ends up “dying”…

CA and BW become those annoying fuckers who go to the Apple store to play on the Macs... Weird German scientist guy back as a computer. Then CA, BW and Falcon fight Masked guy who turns out to be CA’s mate. They then have to prevent some plane thing from killing everyone.

Guardians of the Galaxy - 8.5/10. Guy whose mum dies gets captured. Partners up with a raccoon, a talking tree, a green woman and some bloke covered in tattoos which they found in prison to prevent a hooded blue guy from becoming powerful. We are Groot

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - 8/10. Pete meets his dad and goes home. Avatar girl still wants to kill her sister, raccoon’s still violent and talking tree is very small. New back garden creature in snail woman. Destroy dad’s planet because he was nasty. Gold people annoying af

Avengers: Age of Ultron - 8/10. The boy band team back up together to fight a computer system put into a robot and his creepy twin friends with superpowers. Creepy twins fall out with computer guy and join the boy band to stop a floating city robots and the computer bloke.

Ant-Man - 7/10. Burglar steals a suit which shrinks him into an Ant, to then steal another shirking suit from scientist bloke. Fights a Wasp thing on top of Thomas The Tank Engine.

Captain America: Civil War - 9/10. Best one yet! Small guy vs Rich bloke. The boy band becomes divided over a new law. One party recruits a Spider and a Panther, the other an Ant so they can all fight it out. Turns out small guy’s mate killed Rich blokes parents…not ideal