i’m rewatching schitt’s creek for the millionth time and i’m going to track alexis’ backstory. maybe next time i’ll track ted’s puns or how many times johnny says “at rose video” or moira’s sayings or overall foreshadowing

S1E4: one time she escaped from a thai drug lord’s car trunk by bribing him with sex (she was on spring break and aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money) (it was ten years ago, everybody does dumb stuff in high school!)

S1E7: she went on a blind date to bali with leo (she’s pretty sure she’s gonna be fine going to antonio’s with ted)

S1E11: she tried writing a song for a bf once and the guy ripped the guitar out of her hands and started smashing it on the ground (she *is* tone dead and he was a super angry marine)

S1E11: her longest relationship was a three-month affair with a saudi prince, but for the last two months she was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy

S2E1: she was once taken hostage on david geffen’s yacht by somali pirates for a WEEK and nobody answered her texts

S2E1: she didn’t go missing, david, the FBI knew where she was the entire time

S2E4: there was a tour de france boyfriend but she never had to ride the bike

S2E4: she’s negotiated in arabic (it’s very difficult) and got into kiss kiss in tokyo (try getting in without a lock of human hair)

S2E5: jared leto was her first kiss (?!)

S2E6: she was a beard for a very well-known actor (but who?!)

S2E8: she went through a ton of checkpoints in johannesburg (it’s like a drive-through except everybody has a gun) (she had just gotten her braces off, so she was like 14)

S2E9: she’s dated enough wall street losers to know that “making things liquid” is not a good thing

S2E9: us weekly once described her as “up for anything,” so...

S2E10: she once had a line of edible nail polish and was very hands on, she came up with all the flavors herself, even the one that poisoned all those people (the factory in guangzhou assured her that it was lead-free)

S2E10: she once dated this sultan’s nephew who was forbidden to talk to her or even look at her, but they made it work for like half a regime change

S2E12: she was once picked up by the south korean secret police on new year’s and had to sweet-talk the consulate’s lawyer to get her a passport before midnight

S2E12: if prince harry trusted her with his life, you can too

S3E4: she once had a seven-year-old drive her around mumbai

S3E6: she didn’t finish high school; she never should have taken that semester off, but she did meet beyonce in mykonos so it was almost worth it

S3E7: yes, she did not finish high school, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like, a ton of mushrooms

S3E7: kirsten dunst told her at the premiere of marie antoinette that she was jealous of alexis’ bangs

S3E7: her friends used to call her marie, mainly because she was casually seeing prince harry, so there was the whole, like, “is she gonna be a princess” thing, but they were also going through this very dark phase where they were just like, partying too hard