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Hello. I am here to expose pregnancy for the scam it is. This is a thread of all the shit that happens that you don’t think about, in no particular order other than what pops into my mind at any given time:
You can’t twist in a chair to crack your back. You will pull a muscle in your belly, shift your baby into such an uncomfortable position they decide to punch your ribcage, or cause a worse kink in your lower back.
You will secrete a LOT of vaginal discharge. Every single day. Often. Your panties will virtually never be dry.
You will be unable to bend from early on. Most people think your mobility decreases only once you’re ready to pop—this is wrong. I was 4-5 months when I started having trouble putting my shoes on or even getting out of a chair.
You will waddle for no reason. Not just when you’re big. It happens when you’re barely showing, too, simply because it weirdly relieves pressure on your lower back.
There’s a possibility you will “show” before your baby’s even big. This is due to pregnancy bloat. I was barely 2 months looking 4 sometimes because I was insanely bloated. Plus, your uterus swells up quick.
Uterus swelling, even when baby is a tiny sack of fetus cells, can cause horrible sciatic pain. I was 9 weeks when mine started. My kid didn’t even weigh a single ounce yet and my sciatic pain was close to unbearable.
As you enter your third trimester, you will quickly realize that your waste organs do *not* function in your favor. You will have no warning of needing to poop or pee. In a split second, finding a toilet becomes a game of every man for themselves.
Your hips? Absolute rude bitches. The timing differs for everyone but at some point them hoes decide to grow outwards. (Hi, Ms. Thickums!) But it HURTS. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in three weeks.
Oooh! Biggest scam: you can no longer sleep on your back. I know not many people do anyways but sometimes it can be your only comfortable position. But baby & uterus, even early on, can press on a major artery & cut off all your oxygen & blood circulation so it’s a big no-no.
And, of course, stomach sleeping. Out of the question. I know people who did it throughout their entire pregnancy but for the most part, even though you’re not hurting baby, you can’t possibly fall asleep without feeling paranoid about it. Plus it can get really uncomfortable.
Hi! I’m back. I ate french fries an hour and a half ago. I just burped and subsequently baby puked a little bit of it into own mouth. I accidentally re-swallowed it. This is common.
My right hand is my dominant hand. Our toilet paper roll holder is on the left of our toilet. I just learned that my belly will no longer allow me to turn enough to properly procure my toilet paper. 
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I have discovered a bruise on my lower right belly from my unborn baby kicking that one spot so often.
Oh. This is apparently common knowledge but not until after you get pregnant: leg cramps will wake you throughout the night, out of nowhere, repeatedly. They can happen at different stages but most common in 3rd Tri. Mine started this last week. I am sore https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="☹️" title="Frowning face" aria-label="Emoji: Frowning face">
