Buckle up, butterdicks. It's time to talk about Doritos.

I, like you and any other human, has definitely enjoyed the ZESTY NACHO TANG of Doritos corn chips from time to time, as well as their alternate flavors like Cool Ranch, Sweet Chili, Spicy Meatball, Hot Tire, and Fresh-Cut Grass. But then I thought, where did that name come from?

I asked my dogs and my son and we're all in quarantine but we all came to the consensus that it's probably from doradito, or "golden brown," but the dogs and the eight-year-old weren't sure, so I Googled it. But no official answers. Only guesses.

So we went straight to the source, right to the President of Corn Chips *checks notes* the CEO of Frito-Lay, and I got this email back and it was like, whoa -- the dogs and the 8-year-old agreed we were really onto something, like some Scooby Doo shit

A mysterious fire? Our hand will be forced? We knew this was just the trailhead of a much larger mystery, so diligently we continued to pursue the information, combing the deepest records of the Dark Webnet to find the truth

After a little sluething -- sluething? sloothing? fuck, whatever -- after a little INVESTIGATION online I found an early prototype bag for Doritos from the late 1930s and at first it was like, okay, it's a bag so what

then I looked closer and was like, whoa, what the fuck is THIS

I reverse Google image-searched that like an internet ninja and found that it is an ancient Sumerian sigil indicating a passageway between worlds, a doorway to an interstitial purgatorial plane where souls are trafficked like coins and sometimes baked into breads to feed demons.

DORITOS

"DOOR-INTOS"

"DOOR INTO THE VOIDS"

THEIR NACHO CORN CHIPS ARE BAKED WITH HUMAN SOULS, THEY ARE A PRODUCT OF THE ETERNAL VOID, THEIR CRUNCH IS THE SOUND OF GHOST BONES, THE NACHO POWDER IS THE DEHYDRATED TEETH EXTRACTED FROM PUNISHED SINNERS

oh SHIT