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Dear Eruri fam, valid internet friends whom I& #39;ve gotten cosy with in less than a week; thanks for sparing time entertaining, replying, and listening to me. 2020& #39;s a tough year for all of us, no doubt, and I was shaken to the core starting October last year-
Oct 2019, I received unpleasant diagnosis for sth I had no control over. Even doctors were astound; I lived a relatively healthy lifestyle. I shouldn& #39;t have such results. It was then suggested genetic factors might have come into play. I resented my bloodline for it-
Days after my convocation, post-diagnosis, I decided to break off a 9 month relationship with a man I did not believe was ready for commitment. That& #39;s not the sad part. The sad part was how patronizing everyone was about it. He was the first to love me for sth other than my body-
I miss him. Sometimes, I question if I did the right thing. Ultimately, I regret nothing. It would have been more painful not knowing where I stood with him-
In Nov, I started medication. The stuff made me feel like SHIT. I& #39;d have the worst mood swings and stabbing pains in my abdomen- all normal side effects of the drugs, according to the Dr. It was not a fast-acting treatment plan, and I was already instable-
I am cutting a heck lot of detail from this but those were the main points of how my fucking up started; I was not a person of foul speech prior. I was not openly lewd. If I swore, it& #39;s bc I nearly knocked sth over or sth. Now, idgaf anymore. My fucking up started-
In Dec 2019, about when I was put on heavier rounds of medication, I got into a fight with my parents. They were still being condescending about my decision to ditch that guy (they liked him) and were pressuring me to do sth useful with my life-
Of course, I got compared to others; friends were getting married, having children, earning money- and I was rotting at home, single and a burden-
In Dec, I decided to do my postgrad studies. I prepared a research paper and submitted it to the university, whom accepted immediately. I was to enroll in Feb. In the meantime, I decided to study Japanese to better communicate with my Japanese collaborators-
That& #39;s when I picked up AoT- from wanting to familiarize myself with the language. My intention was to learn Japanese through anime (ok for picking up phrases but not for speaking irl with SVs); I did not expect myself to fall in love with Shingeki No Kyojin to the extent I did-
SNK reflected the hopelessness I had within; there was no cure for my diagnosis- only drugs to mitigate symptoms; drugs that made me change my mind about euthanasia- and I may never find a man like my ex again. These were mere beginnings to greater pain-
Jan 1st 2020, I did not celebrate New Year. There was nth new about it. It& #39;s just another day we decided to mark as if it& #39;d be any dif from our yesterdays. I shut everyone out. I wanted to be alone. From the diagnosis till then, I was not given privacy to gather my thoughts-
Weeks earlier, when I fought with my parents, all manner of nasty things erupted from me. I cursed at them for their shitty genetics and told them to go adopt my cousins whom were & #39;more useful women& #39; compared to me, since I& #39;M FUCKING STERILE. Fuck I& #39;m tearing up-
I& #39;ll make a diff thread for that. And the guy. This stuff& #39;s hard to share without getting side-tracked; it& #39;s rarely a thing or two that makes ppl change completely. If you knew me in Sept, I was an entirely dif person from who I am today, even if you knew me in January!
This is when the real shit got down; in the 1st week of Jan, I lost 2 family members who were dear to me, over a span of 5 days, in 2 dif locations-
It was midnight when we received a call informing Code Blue for my uncle. My parents boarded a plane and flew out immediately; I became head of the household while they were gone. There were six under my care, and one was terminally ill-
I have NEVER advocated for euthanasia as much as I did then. 2nd to 7th Jan 2020 were the LONGEST days of my life-
He was suffering, and there was nth I can do to help him. He was waiting to die, and none of us would help him. Last I saw him (God I feel sick writing this) he was very very weak- struggling to breathe!
While my parents were away and busy managing my uncle& #39;s funeral (he passed on before they landed) I prayed that night. It was perhaps the last time I prayed. I asked God to take care of my fam, and then I remembered my terminally ill dog, and asked God to end his suffering-
I did not sleep that night.
5.00am of Jan 6th, a nauseating odour wafted into my room. I ignored it assuming it was the garbage truck. 6.30am the same day, I had to send my sister to school. I grabbed the car keys and, glancing at his sleeping figure, unknowingly walked past his decomposing corpse.
It wasn& #39;t until daybreak when he wasn& #39;t wagging his tail and his tongue was sticking out with froth pooling under it that I realised our dog had died.
And he died alone. I was a mere wall away from him. I could have kept him company while he took his dying breath. I wasn& #39;t sleeping that night anyways. I was overcome with guilt and panic. A million thoughts raced through my head.
My parents weren& #39;t home. Where to bury him? There& #39;s no space in our garden. We didn& #39;t have money to call professional services. Oh God the stench! Don& #39;t lose your shit now. You& #39;re head of house. You got to be strong for them. Get your gloves and mask-
Ever lifted a corpse? It doesn& #39;t feel nice. The way everything moves about bc the body is limp- our dog died from sickness. He was old, reduced to bones. I wanted to put him down with dignity but my dad was against mercy killing; I didn& #39;t have the money for it-
In the end, we had to wrap him up quickly, disinfect the area, dig a burial pit, dispose his items, every step of the way plagued by the thought things could have played out differently. We cried. My sisters threw up. And I kept telling myself- not now. Hold it. Don& #39;t panic yet-
Jan 7th was the day I allowed myself to grieve. Properly. It was the day sth snapped in me. I still can& #39;t explain what. I just know I cared little for consequence; I& #39;ve given it my all and it& #39;s beyond my control. Almost everything that happened to me was. Why care anymore?