Read on Twitter
Oh, my wife, she’s a bad cook. I mean bad. They say coronavirus can live on metal for three days. On her meat loaf, ten minutes.
She’s such a bad cook, when our dog gets fed he tells me not to beg. I know I got coronavirus. I was asking for it. I had no choice. They were out of DosEquisVirus.
And masks. You wearing the masks? My wife’s so worried about me getting the virus she makes me wear that mask everywhere. And I mean everywhere, not just during sex.
The doctor told us to self-quarantine, someplace with complete isolation. No human contact of any kind. My wife and I have been in bed for two weeks.
Sex. Who am I kidding? I never have sex. The first time I heard about social distancing was my wedding night.
You know why? I’m ugly. I’m so ugly I’m ten times more likely to get the virus when I’m wearing the mask.
I’m so ugly when the doctor wanted to put a mask on me he told me to bend over. I can’t get a break. I took the coronavirus test. It came back negative, but I have to do the 5th grade over again.
That’s my problem, I got the wrong doctor. You know my doctor, Dr. Vinny Voombatz. I said “Doc, I think my wife’s got the Coronavirus. Last night in bed she was light headed, breathing heavy, and hot.” He said, “Send her over to my place, I want my wife to get it.”
I said “Doc, seriously, she’s coughing bad, I think she’s got it.” The doctor said, “Make a list of all the people she’s come in contact with in the last 48 hours.” I said “Doc, come on, it’s fleet week.”
Folks! And a h/t to @mobute for inventing the Rodney coronavirus joke.
"Oh, this Chris D'Elia. Have you heard about this guy? He hands out more receipts than a CVS."
"We're both comics. You didn't know that? It's true, but when I try out a new set I don't mean a swing set."
