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1/ I’ve seen a lot of discussion of how #COVID19, & the #isolation policies linked to it, will influence our marriage (or marriage-like relationship). I haven’t seen much that is evidence-based. I write today to fill that gap: What does relationship science have to say?
A THREAD
A THREAD
2/ First, we’ll consider what makes a relationship happy vs. unhappy. Then we’ll address how stress and forced proximity influence relationships. Along the way, we’ll consider *practical suggestions* for couples, and we’ll conclude with *book recommendations* for further reading.
3/ The conclusion (tl;dr) is this: As feared, COVID-19 is likely to damage our intimate relationships on average.
BUT IT WILL MAKE SOME RELATIONSHIPS BETTER!
My hope is that this thread, if widely shared, can increase the proportion of relationships in the *better* category.
BUT IT WILL MAKE SOME RELATIONSHIPS BETTER!
My hope is that this thread, if widely shared, can increase the proportion of relationships in the *better* category.
4/ Expectations are key. “We come to one person,” observes @EstherPerel in her brilliant @TEDTalks, “and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.” With regard to fulfilling our emotional and psychological needs, she’s exactly right.
4.5. ||| (If you’re interested in learning how our expectations of marriage have changed over the past few hundred years -- and especially recently -- check out this 3-minute video: ; h/t @LoganUry.) |||
5/ Many argue that high expectations are harmful. But as I explain in THE ALL-OR-NOTHING MARRIAGE ( https://elifinkel.com/allornothingmarriage/), there’s another half to the story: When our marriage fulfills the expectations, we can achieve a level of fulfillment that was out of reach in earlier eras
6/ So the issue isn’t whether we should have high or low expectations. The issue is that we need to calibrate our expectations to what our marriage can realistically provide in these circumstances. This logic points to three strategies we can use to strengthen our relationship.
6.5. ||| (But first, here’s a 3-second video of my wife’s COVID-19 workout regimen, which has replaced @SoulCycle for now. Her workout buddy is named Toblerone; his technique is poor.) |||
7/ Strategy #1: GO ALL IN. Here we identify the strengths of our relationship, and we double down on them. Are we especially good at raising our kids together, at soothing each other’s anxiety, at having hot sex? Savor those things, and take time to feel grateful for them.
8/ Strategy #2: RECALIBRATE EXPECTATIONS. Here we identify the weaknesses of our relationship, and we mitigate them. Perhaps we bicker too much, or communicate poorly, or lack passion. Lowering expectations, at least for now, reduces feelings of disappointment and frustration.
9/ Strategy #3: LOVEHACK. Here we look for quick-and-dirty mind-tricks to view our relationship in a more positive light. For example, we can draw generous conclusions about why our partner behaved a certain way, or think about our fights from a generous third-party perspective.
10/ To make our relationship as strong as possible, the point isn’t to pick one of the three strategies. The point is to employ a blend of all of them. The first step is to take some time to consider where our strengths and weaknesses are, and which lovehacks might help.
11/ Okay, those are the general principles. How is this relevant to #LoveInTheTimeOfCoronavirus? For starters, COVID-19 is a major stressor -- and stress, on average, harms relationships. But, crucially, not always.
11.5. ||| (But first, here’s a 5-second video of my daughter running her version of Zumba class for Toblerone. This dance is called, “It’s taco night!”) |||
12/ As I summarize in a paper we submitted today (“Using social and behavioural science to support COVID-19 pandemic response”), stress, including from natural disasters, sometimes strengthens marriages. Relevant evidence comes from research on natural disasters.
13/ ||| (An aside: This @NatureHumBehav paper, spearheaded by @JayVanBavel and RobbWiller, is a collaboration among 36 scholars, each of whom brought unique expertise to the question of how society can best respond to the COVID-19 pandemic. https://psyarxiv.com/y38m9/ ) |||
14/ Consider a 2002 study of Hurricane Hugo, which ravaged South Carolina in 1989 ( https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2002-00749-002.html). Compared to the counties that weren’t hard-hit, those declared disaster areas witnessed a surge in divorces. But they also witnessed surges in marriage and birth rates.
15/ Of course, COVID-19 is a unique stressor, one that comes with the largest effort to quarantine or isolate in human history. How are such norms and policies likely to affect our marriage? Well, people in quarantine are at risk for confusion and anger ( https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140673620304608).
16/ Shared isolation together, while confused and angry and frequently transitioning to homeschool-life, is a novel experience, and it’ll be a while before relationship scientists have data on this exact topic. But the research literature offers some relevant insights.
16.5. ||| (But first, I’d like to say that my wife and I are aligned in experiencing concern that our government isn’t up to the challenge posed by COVID-19. We miss this guy. |||
17/ The central insight is that isolation together changes our activities and priorities. For couples whose strengths involve cherishing date nights together or supporting each other’s independent aspirations, the coming weeks (or months) are likely to be a struggle.
18/ For couples whose strengths involve providing soothing emotional support and prolonged savoring of each other’s company -- or who lament that their chaotic schedules typically leave them insufficient time for sex -- the coming weeks may foster a particularly close connection.
19/ But here, as in most other domains, social class matters. Those of us with enough money will have to navigate anxiety and forced proximity, but we won’t face desperate concerns about hunger or eviction. We won’t have to homeschool our children without internet access.
20/ Consequently, although COVID-19 is forcing the economically fortunate among us to have more spousal interactions about difficult topics, this effect is stronger among the less fortunate. Such interactions take place under the sort of extreme stress that undermines patience.
21/ In short, the effects of COVID-19 on relationship well-being are likely to be far worse for the poorer than for the wealthier among us, exacerbating a social-class divide on relationship outcomes that has already become extreme in recent decades.
22/ And none of this even touches on the challenges facing, say, single parents, or widowed people, or people who would like to have a partner but whose dating life is on hold due to COVID-19. Many of us who are in relationships are fortunate to be in this position.
23/ If you’d like to use some of the COVID-19 downtime to read a serious book about relationships, I recommend one of the books reviewed in this @NYMag article ( https://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-relationship-books.html?utm_source=nym&utm_medium=f1&utm_campaign=feed-part1), including books from @EstherPerel @EmilyNagoski @GottmanInst @Dr_SueJohnson, and me.
24/ Perhaps most important, try to be kind. We’re all going through something pretty intense, and we’re all adjusting in our own way. It’s normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, angry. If we push ourselves to be just 5% kinder than feels natural, that’ll make a big difference.
