watching LOTR for the first time so the thread begins HERE: ‘live tweeting lord of the rings: whatever the first one is called bc i already forgot’ (1/?)

before we begin imma preface this by saying ALL i know abt LOTR is that theres a ring of some description, a LOT of walking/adventuring involved, and some guy named bilbo whose name i only remember bc it sounds like dildo

AAAAND fellowship of the ring is the only one that ISNT currently available on amaz*n pr*me v*deo so i need to find some other way of watching it. might fuck around and do some ill*gal shit.

this bitch is THREE HOURS LONG??????

ok i have access to the film through a source of questionable legality but who’s gna check me? all the feds are busy arresting people out for their third jog of the day. its the fucking purge baby i’m living life on the edge. we shall shortly begin our journey

oh THESE are the rings!!!

‘mount doom’ damn they really arent leaving much to the imagination here

ok this sauron guy is OP and really mean :(

imagine being able to destroy alllll evil in a second and not doing it bc you could potentially use against others it one day... isildur u deserved whatever fate u got. jeff bezos the same shit is gonna happen to u

oh so this ring is sentient... and the shire is fucking beautiful, i would like to live here. oh 2 be frodo sat reading underneath a tree

omg fidwa gandalf i already like him. i hope he doesn’t disappoint me. also i like their little hobbit houses, very cute <3

okay bilbo is planning on going somewhere ... permanently?? and hasn’t told his lil nephew. is it a suicide mission??? i like him i don’t want him to die :(

why is ONE of these hobbit mfs scottish and none of the others????

whys he reaching into his pocket? OMG ITS THE RING

WHAT THE FUCK??? WHY DOES HE LOOK SO ANGRY AND WHERE IS HE GOI-

LOOOOOOOOL was that supposed to be some kind of sick prank? look at gandalf always one step ahead, woke king

LEAVE THE RING BEHIND NO GOOD CAN COME OF THE JEFF BEZOS RING

oh my god this ring is such bad vibes its rly turning cute wholesome lil bilbo into an angry wreck

ppl literally cant get rid of the shit they hoard if it gives them some kind of power even if to let it go would benefit EVERYONE including themselves and to hold onto it would cause severe harm to all. a metaphor for many structures of power

gandalf pls be careful with the ring!! you’re too wise and wholesome i dont want it to ruin you or hurt you :( can wizards b affected by it like that??? i sure hope not

why do i feel like this frodo mf isnt gna keep the ring secret ORRRRR safe.

oh my god this bigass black castle w the lava rivers. this is what my madrasa aunties described jahannam as being like

ok Wizard Grandpa not as kindly n soft as i originally thought... “IS IT SECRET, IS IT SAFE” smh dramatic ass. i damn near had a heart attack.u guys should have warned me about jump scares. bc i audibly screamed

[intermission 4 salat al maghrib]

we have prayed. we have skincare’d. we have cooked and eaten. lets resume.

omg i thought wizard papi was gonna burn the ring to destroy it i got excited. damn but they ARE revealing the secret message which is cool i guess

bro JK rowling ripped this shit off SOOOOO HARD man. the whole concept of a horcrux containing the spirit of the dark lord or whatever is outright THEFT

omg gollum ratted them out wtf now frodo has to leave the pretty shire thats so sad :( bilbo shoulda just taken the ring and dipped if he was planning on dying anyway

oh good frodo has a lil companion :’) at least he’s not all alone although this don looks pretty fucking useless

this film is beauuuuuuuutifully shot btw. i miss the countryside </3

wizard grandpa rides his horse so majestically. visiting another old man with beautifully straight hair. Loreal Wizard rly dropping some v terrifying truths now. bc he has access to the scary truth orb

OMG LOREAL GRANDPA IS EVIL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE’S ON THE DARK SIDE. we shoulda known honestly the man is sitting on a BLACK THRONE he cant be good

omg a grandpa brawl. dont u fucking TOUCH gandalf i hate this ugly evil mf saruman :((((((((((

oh shit they were just eatin mushrooms and now some evil shit is about to happen :( omg its the scary evil zombie horse and the hooded man

RUN FRODOOOOOOOOOOO wtf. oh my god the faceless hoodie horserider is actually fucking terrifying watch me not be able to sleep tonight

is any fantasy adventure story complete without a grouchy innkeeper holding a lantern

omg theyre at the inn n they dont know gandalf was totally annihilated by loreal wizard miskeeeeeen who’s gonna tell him

the elderly wise protective source of stability and guidance for our protagonist is gone i guess we’ve reached the stage where he has to figure this shit out alone now

im crying i cant take this eye seriously LMFAOOOO sauron rly said

OH MY GOD THE FACELESS RIDERS OF THE ZOMBIE HORSES BROKE INTO THE CUTE LITTLE TOWN YA ALLAH AND THEYRE IN THE ROOMFJFJRJRJDJDJ WHERE THE HOBBIT SQUAD R SLEEPING SO PEACEFULLY WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKK

THIS SHIT IS TRAUMATISING AS FUCK HOLY SHITTT omg wait those werent actually the hobbits?????

ok 7amdillah all these hobbits r safe for now. ngl i dont trust this Jesus lookalike leading them though i feel he might turn on them

omg gandalf is still alive at least but what the hell are loreal wizard’s evil army doing????? DEFORESTATION???? HEINOUS

omg these idiots lit a fire and then shouted of COURSE they’re gna be found. they risked their lives for BACON and now look what happened, maybe islam made some points honestly

and now theyre surrounded and outnumbered by the faceless bois with their big fuckoff swords and they acc thing they stand a chance byeeeeeee.

holy SHIT frodo been STABBBBBBBBBBBED and the ring is talking and everything has gone to shit. leave it to untrustworthy but experienced Jesus lookalike to save the day tho

???? loreal wizard’s army destroyed the GORGEOUS natural environment to ... extract something from underground??????????? interesting. interesting. art imitates life uno

omg theyre digging up a MONSTER. and he’s absolutely CLAPPED

omg a pretty girlllll. her hair n dress r GOALS. is she an elf????? elf queen

elvish is such a pretty language btw. also theres some VIBES between arwen and untrustworthy jesus and i support it bc oooft look how hot they both are

omg arwen is so powerful and beautiful i wanna ride a horse across the water like that. and my girl knows how to FIGHTTTTTT i love her so much already

OHMYGOD GANDALFHHDDNDJDJDJDJSJSJSJSJ YAAAAAAAAAY HES BACK AND FRODO IS NOT A WRAITHHHHHH

frodo’s bedroom in the house of elrond.... my future bedroom inspiration. it is SO pretty.

omg gandalf FLEWWWW outta loreal wizard’s tower like a fucking G!!!!

so how do i move to rivendell? the aesthetics........ the scenery.... its everything i’ve ever wanted

BILBO ????????? HES BACK !!!!!!! HE’S THERE !!!!

why do i get the feeling that the ring won’t b safe in rivendell

mood

i definitely misjudged sam lol fidwa he’s such a sweetheart

omg the bougie elf was gna help isildur destroy the ring and this dumb bitch REFUSEEEEEED. byeeeee he literally watched a man have the chance to destroy all evil and then choose not to honestly i’d never trust a man again if i was him

OMGGGGG JESUS LOOKALIKE IS THE HEIR OF ISILDUR??????? at least he’s self aware abt the whole ‘unable to control desire for power’ thing tho. but i think hes strong enough to overcome it

ok but this girl arwen gave up eternal live for a DUDE... for some D... for a crumb of romance. idk they’re a beautiful couple but

billy ray cyrus wants to use the ring against the evil folks but it is NOT possible. he’s a dumbass or cant be trusted get rid of him unless he falls into line

oh shit theyre gna have to go to mount doom. who’s gna be sent? obviously frodo and the hot heir

omg theyre doing up anti-elf racism now fighting over who should destroy the ring. BYEEEEEEE

AWWWW THEYRE GIVING HIM ALL THEIR WEAPONS N SHIT THIS IS WHOLESOME. and sam and the rest of the squad r gna go with him yaaaaay :’)))))))

OHMYGOD DO NOT GIVE BILBO THE RING WTF IT DOES SCARY THINGS TO HIM OMG I HATE IT HERE

oh shit some evil birdy boys r coming for the council they best RUNNNNNN and hide. ok so they work for loreal wizard

billy ray cyrus has picked up the ring why does this seem like a v bad thing why do i feel like we cant trust him

NOOOOOO loreal wizard is trying to destroy the mountain and kill them allllll what the hell he’s so vile

lol the door of moria said ‘incorrect password’ and gandalf has been trying to get in alll night. highly relatable

omg all these dead bodies.... oh my god are all the dwarves dead omg this is so fucking sad ??????

lmao the mines said fuck it giant octopus

omg GOLLUM????? GOLLUM IS THERE???? WHY IS GANDALF SO NONCHALANT ABT ALL THIS HES LITERALLY RIGHT THERE AND HE KNEW THE WHOLE DAMN TIME

fuck they reached the dwarf city n its full of dead bodies omg poor gii he’s devastated balin is dead and he JUST found out fuck this movie is so. SAD!

?????? he just knocked a dead body down a deep well. have a feeling something bad and ominous is abt to happen

gandalf kinda has an attitude problem tho :(

oh shit no idea what an orc is but ik they are v dangerous

ohhhhhhh orcs r those uglyass creatures that destroyed all the trees for saruman. i see i see

bougie elf fighting the cave troll <3 GO OFF KINGGGGGG.

frodo keeps getting himself injured and needs everyone else to save his ass but ofc for the sake of the plot he somehow survives fatal wounds. i’ll allow it, i like him i guess

OMGGGGGGG THEY WERE SURROUNDED BY ORCS N NOW ALL THE ORCS HAVE DISPERSED BC SOMETHING SCARED THEM ??) THERES SOMETHING SCARIER THAN ORCS????

oh for fucks sake its just one thing after the other now. balrog?????? really??????

oh NOOOO they’re leaving gandalf behind to face the balrog i reallly hope he doesnt die i’m emotionally attached to him

YOU CANNOT PAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YOUUUU. SHALL NOT PASSSSS.

OH SHIT NO GANDALF NOOOO NOOOO PLS CLIMB BACK UP YA ALLLLLAHHHH IM GNA CRY

fuck.

cheers mate, son’s crying

wait what the hell is happening??? omg these scary ass blonde elves ........ taking them to the elf witch sorceress. lowkey kinda glad bc i wanna see what she looks like

i’m very scared of galadriel ?

billy ray cyrus & hot heir having a heart to heart. this is nice <3

would love to give galadriel some volumizing shampoo. hair flat as hell and its doing her a disservice

OH MY GOD GALADRIEL IS SCARY AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. she’s showing him predictions in her mirror thingy?? does this mean more ppl in the fellowship r gna die. idt my heart can take it. also why the FUCK is he offering the ring? is he under a spell or is he legit

okay she’s a bit. unhinged. but is actually offering some good advice here. and now she’s being soft and sympathetic wtf i guess i like her now

oh. SHIT okay saruman’s army is officially... complete. i guess? i’m assuming shit is about to go down and some of my faves r gna die i’m mentally preparing myself

AWWW SHE GAVE HIM THE LIGHT OF EARENDIL. she’s Good!

ok this is pretty

OH SHIT BILLY RAY CYRUS HAS FRODO CORNERED I KNEWWWWWWWWWW HE COULDNT BE TRUSTEDDDDD

omg now he’s apologising n shit i feel bad. was boromir possessed or smth???

omg its possessing them one by one i want to cry wtf aragorn stay STRONG I LOVE YOU

frodo has to go alone??? fucking tragic i rly hoped the squad would stay til the end

omg pippin n merry r actually sacrificing themselves for his sake but NOOOOO DONT DIEEEEEE FUCK

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOROMIR I ACTUALLY STARTED LIKING YOU FUCKKKK THIS MAN HAS taken AN ARROW TO THE HEART N IS STILL GOING HOLY SHIT THIS IS DEVASTATING. rest in power

wait hes not dead yet!!! omg hot heir saves the day i love aragorn pls don’t take him from me

and he’s now dying. fuck this is so emotional

“my brother, my captain, my king” BITCH IM ACTUALLY SHEDDING TEARS HERE THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A ROLLERCOASTER

don’t give up now frodo u can do it

omg sammmmmmmmmmm KFJDJSKSK he’s legit not taking no for an answer. SHIT SAM DONT DROWN HOLY FUCK

oh allah ka shukar he’s alive man like sam

bitch they sent boromir’s body in a boat over a waterfall????? what kinda burial at sea

lmfao this man aragorn rly said ‘perhaps the real fellowship was the friends we made along the way’

WAIT WHAT ITS OVER????

i knew it had to end but i wasnt expecting it 2 end... THERE? i guess they had to leave some questions for the other movies to answer

anyway if you made it this far, i actually loved that and will definitely be watching the others in the coming days? i hope if u enjoyed my comedy that this was some relief from covid-19 information overload and that ur keeping well. /fin