9 TIPS TO HELP YOU WORK FROM HOME DURING COVID-19

1. Set aside an hour per day for an existential crisis.

We’re living through the apocalypse, so questioning the meaning of life, career choices, having kids, as well as considering if u love ur dog enough to eat it if stores run out of food, & if a bread sandwich is really a sandwich or just 3 pieces of bread, is entirely normal.

2. Get organized. Not because you now have little else to do but put away that growing lump of clothing on the chair, but because the revolution is coming, and when we’re out of tp and the rebels storm your apartment and they see that pile, it’s the first thing they’ll take.

3. Text everyone. Family. Friends. Coworkers. Old friends. New friends. Dates. 1-time dates. Now is the best time to actively remind people that you exist, because they’ll want to remind you that they exist too.

The added bonus? There are memes and depressing articles aplenty, so you don’t even have to think about what you’re texting! No one actually wants to work. So text everyone.**

4. Show your face during Zoom meetings. Sit with the constant fear that if you nap, everyone in a meeting will be able to see you do so. But don’t worry - they can still only see you from the waist up, and no one can really tell the difference between a wrap-top and a robe.

5. Continue to avoid work by saying you’re going to the doctor. No one can touch that.

6. But actually do your work so you don’t melt into a puddle of anxious boredom. Minimizing item 1 is highly dependent on your ability to do this.

7. Reconvert to the religion you aggressively left in your 20’s. None of your coworkers will judge you for wanting to double your lunch break so you commune with spirits/god/nature.

Hell bent on never going back? Don’t you worry - there are thousands of new cults to choose from! It’s the end of the world. It’s now or never, baby.

8. Don’t smoke. But do drink, and get stoned on lung-safe edibles right before creative meetings***. You’ll come up with some great ideas, appear to be a genius, and best of all, no one will know.

9. Just stay inside. This is one of those things that’s like voting, without the nonsensical privileged contention over whether or not your voice matters. Do your civic duty and prevent the global spread of doomsday.

*Weekend existential crises may be extended up to an additional three hours.

** Except your exes. Don’t text your exes.

***Consume alcohol safely and edibles only where weed is legally available and easily delivered to your home. Additionally, please note (especially if you are someone who has had a hand in raising or employing me) that I frequently do not follow my own advice.