Might drink a vodka tonic, take my shirt off and subtweet all my crushes.

Fuck it, we're doing A CRUSH THREAD

1. You have always been nice to me, but I've heard from several trustworthy sources that you are extremely mean and vindictive. For some reason, that takes you from "oh, she's cute and charming" to "AWOOOOOOOOOGA"

2. You're so attractive and it's so abundantly obvious that you are kind and sweet and deserve the world. My mom asks about you because I like your tweets all the time.

You also look exactly like my high school girlfriend, which complicates things A LOT.

3. You've never made it explicitly text, but subtextually it's clear to me you think of me as a sexually ambiguous friend. That's okay!

But just, for like, branding purposes: we'd be really good for each other! Everyone would be like "Oh, duh, that makes sense for them."

4. I'm fairly certain you have a boyfriend now, which is cool. Good for you. It was pretty clear when my window was and I let it close by getting in my head about it. It happens! I doubt you agonized over it as much as I did.

Anyway, would risk it all. You've met my mom.

5. You're better than the Venus De Milo in a g-string. Better than the promise of a good one night fling. Better than a big book of Bettie Page pictures, even if it came with a year subscription.

6. I'd pet his dog. Then I would give attention to his yellow labrador retriever. https://twitter.com/gohomeben/status/1242286542753841154

7. You have so much energy and it's clear I wouldn't be able to hang with your lifestyle long-term, but I find your particular foul bachelorette energy admirable and it would be cool if you tuckered me out over a period of several weeks.

8. Like #2, you also look like an ex of mine, but one I'm less fond of presently. That said, you tweet about your sex life in the same pathetic-chic way that I used to a lot / sometimes do now, and I'm the kind of narcissist who can't resist "girl me."

9. I cannot figure out at all if you are straight or super, super, super, super queer, and everyone I have asked doesn't seem to know either. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

10. The star of Columbus, Support the Girls, and Five Feet Apart.

11. In college, I thought you were far too mature and dignified to put up with me. In hindsight, I think I was projecting. We would have had fun! Maybe one day we will!

12. In college, I thought you were far too mature and dignified to put up with me. In hindsight, I think I was projecting. We would have had fun! Maybe one day we will!

Sorry, this is a different person from #11 but same story. I went to Arizona State. Lot of dimes there.

13. I don't even know if I like you or if your Instagram story just represents everything I thought living in LA would be and I see you as the true personification of my inner-self.

14. Please just renounce God and fuck me already, we've been doing this for like five years.

15. I see you looking for yourself in this thread and I know you know that I've been stalling because I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of putting you early in the list. That's just the way we are to each other, kid.

16. Would have done this one earlier but I couldn't decide between a Friday Night Lights reference or a Bunheads reference.

She may not be Big Riggins, but she is the BEST Riggins.

17. You're related to an already subtweeted crush. Wouldn't be the first time I've been the chaotic force of evil that inflamed a sibling rivalry.

18. You're starting to have that scary cartoon lady white stripe like the Bon Appetit junk food lady (good) and Tulsi Gabbard (not good). Anyway, loved you forever kthxbye

19. I think one time you thought I was hitting on you when really I was just trying really hard to make you like me as a friend. This isn't really a romantic crush as much as it is a "let's be platonic life partners when we're old and our partners die" thing.

20. EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS

21-22. I had a crush on you for a very long time. Then I met your significant other and golly gee you're so perfect for each other. I wouldn't even want to be your third in a polyamory situation because I'd obviously be the weak link.

One of you heard me have sex through a wall.

23. You're awful. Just terrible. You're like if the Red Scare girls attempted self-parody. I'll never stop like-liking you.

24. I'm just going to rip off the band-aid and say it:

K.K. Slider.

25. I had a crush on you when you were a girly girl and I still have a crush on you now that your aesthetic is "1970s serial killer."

26. One time I was in a hot tub with you and I was mesmerized by how clear and blemish-free your back was. Like you've never had a pimple on your body ever ever ever. As a perpetual frenemy of salicylic acid, I crave that kind of power.