The Boy and I have decided to use our time wisely. By doing a Burger Bracket. From 16 burgers—eight you can get via drive thru, eight you ordinary get via sit down restaurants specializing in burgers—there can be only one.

We’re keeping it to basic cheeseburgers. Whenever possible, just a single patty. If their "signature" burger is a double, then we'll find a comparable double on the competitor. No condiments but ketchup. No vegetables. Beef, cheese, buns, ketchup.

Round One: In-N-Out’s Double Double Plus Cheese vs Del Taco’s Double Del Cheeseburger.

We get two burgers and split ‘em...no one needs to gain a hundred pounds. (We’re also adding a daily exercise regiment to offset the deliciousness.)

No surprise, In-N-Out won. But the Boy did say, “This is a decent burger for a taco place.” I don’t think he meant to deploy such shade.

We're getting out of the house, engaging conversation, and pumping a little money back into the economy. And it's also delicious. I blame @lindaholmes for putting cheeseburgers in my brain.

(Also, we chose the restaurants in the bracket based on drive-time and delivery radius. So if your fave isn't here—hell, my fave, Shake Shack isn't here—that's why.)

#MarchMeatMadness Update: For the second match, the Boy and I bounced over to the Sit-Down side of the bracket. @redrobinburgers vs. @thestandrestaurants.

Upon first examination, The Stand burger looked more appetizing, with its sexy-ass brioche bun...while Red Robin’s sesame-seed plainness did little for the eye.

But when we got to tasting...

Red Robin was the victor, with little debate. Ultimately, the meat tasted better on the Red Robin cheeseburger and, according to the Boy, the bun-to-burger ratio on the Stand burger favored the bun a bit too much.

We’re taking a day off, then on to the next one! And it’ll be a fast-food Clash of the Titans!

#MarchMeatMadness Update #3: Today’s cheeseburger showdown was tougher than the Boy and I thought it’d be. @carlsjr vs. @wendys.
Two drive-thru giants. Carl’s Jr’s Famous Star burger against a Dave’s Single.

Even though size isn’t everything, Carl’s Jr looked impressive.
The meat quality of the Wendy’s patty was a little better.

But the flame-kissed taste of Carl’s Jr pushed it over the edge. The
closest battle thus far!

#MarchMeatMadness #BurgerChallenge UPDATE #4: The Sunday bracket was a surprising one— @hookburger vs @habitburgergrill.
The Boy and I had never eaten Hook Burger before today and didn’t know what to expect. Conversely, there’s a Habit around the block so we’re quite familiar.

When we saw Hook Burger’s brioche bun, we got concerned. Sometimes, brioche is over-compensating for weak meat. We shouldn’t have worried: a light flat-top sear in butter will do wonders.

More than that, the Hook Burger ground beef was a little better and packed looser, so the melty cheese got all up in there.

The Habit gave a good showing, but Hook Burger took it and took it strong.

#MarchMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #5. This one was the first time there was significant disagreement between the Boy and I. There was heady deliberation and argument. Why?

Because it was @mcdonalds vs. Farmer Boys.

I’d gone into it a fan of McDs since I was five years old. I kept the cool side cool and the hot side hot. And I thought I could count on the Quarter Pounder with Cheese—as I’d done for much of my life. Who was this Farmer Boys Big Cheese to even step to the Legend?

The Boy said it first. “I think I like Farmer Boys better.” And I fought him because, well, MickeeDees tastes like home. Sure, Farmer Boys was bigger and wider, cooked and seasoned well. But...but...

Then I took my final bite of the Quarter Pounder — and it was dry and unenthusiastic.

And so I yielded the field with honor. Farmer Boys took it, by the slimmest of margins. But it took it nevertheless. And no one was more wounded by it than I.

#MarcMeatMadness UPDATE #6. I took the “H” out of March since we’re now in April, but the #BurgerBracket continues apace with @burgerim’s Angus Beef Burger vs. @fiveguys’ Little Cheeseburger.

Listen, we can belabor the inevitable, if we want. I can talk about how the BurgerIM burger was quite strong, flavored with maybe a little paprika? A hint of cumin, perhaps. The bun wasn’t brioche, so it compressed nicely. The beef was dense but a little pink in the middle.

But Five Guys has all that delicious grease. Grease that comes from fat and fat is flavor. Grease that seeps into the bun and almost makes another condiment. Grease that makes everything better.

Five Guys is a beast.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #7 This was, perhaps, the most unenthusiastic matchup thus far. @jackinthebox’s Jumbo Jack Cheeseburger vs. @burgerking’s Whopper with Cheese.

I say unenthusiastic because of all the burgers we’ve had, these two suffered the most for not having their usual overabundances of condiments/garnishes.

Without them, they’re both kind of average...and the Whopper was a little less average. In the good way.

So... @burgerking moves on, and the first round of the Fast Food side of the bracket is complete. Monday will see the last “sit down” duel before we move on to the elite eight!

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #8 The last of the Sweet Sixteen was a doozy: @fatburger’s Original vs. @islandsburgers’ Big Wave. As always for this bracket, bun, meat, cheese, and ketchup only.

Islands was trying to bully Fatburger with size. But there is a vast difference between the well endowed and those who know how to use their endowment. And Fatburger came with that top-notch spice work and those crispy edges you only get from a well-seasoned flat-top griddle.

Islands was good, no doubt — the Boy and I are both fans — but neither of us was entirely prepared for the Fatburger goodness.

Wednesday begins the Elite Eight. Fourteen more burgers, seven more lunches, then we crown an ultimate victor.

(And for those concerned that I’m doing caloric damage: I’m down 10 lbs since the start of the #Quarantine.)

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #9. The Elite Eight begins at the top of the Fast Food column, with In-n-Out’s Double Double Plus Cheese vs. @burgerking’s Whopper With Cheese.

(Yeah, I know. Just roll with it.)

Even though Burger King makes a double cheeseburger, which would better match with the Double Double, we wanted to stick with the burger that earned its way to the next round. No changing horses midstream.

Both the Boy and I were surprised by the Whopper. It tasted better than the last time we had it...which was just last week. Problem was, the Double Double also tasted better than we’d remembered. And it was already pretty fucking good.

So, In-n-Out came at the King and did not miss — and continues what seems to be a predestined path to the Finals.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #10. @redrobinburgers’ Gourmet Cheeseburger vs. @FiveGuys’ Little Cheeseburger.

We thought we knew what to expect, the Boy and I. Two burgers that had performed well in the entry brackets, going head-to-head.

When we opened the wrappers, we were shocked. “Look at how sad the Five Guys burger is,” he said. And he was right. Small, pale...sad.

While the Red Robin burger looked like a fucking champ. Bigger, browner, warmer, it almost glowed with deliciousness—much like myself. You know how they say the visual plays a big part in how something tastes?

Not as much as actually tasting it does.

The Red Robin burger tasted great...just not as great as Five Guys. As we said before, grease is fat and fat is flavor, and if there’s one thing the Five Guys know, it’s grease.

So, Five Guys moves on to the Divisional Round. Up next: An Easter Sunday battle between Carl’s Jr and Farmer Boys.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #11. The Battle of Underwhelms Deep. @carlsjr’s Famous Star with Cheese vs. @farmerboysfood’s Big Cheese.

Cooked almost identically, each of these burgers came out of the wrappers like evenly matched contenders.

But when we dug in, they were both pretty uninspiring. “Really good cafeteria burgers,” is what the Boy said, and I found it hard to argue.

But in the final tally, the meat from Farmer Boys was seasoned a hair better, so it took the semi-final...only to, I’m sure, serve as a sacrifical speed bump on the way to In-n-Out’s Finals appearance.
Happy Zombie Jesus Day, everyone!

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket Update #12 @hookburger’s Hook Burger vs. @fatburger’s Original Fatburger. This one almost didn’t happen. None of the apps would show that Fatburger was taking delivery orders. Hook Burger almost got an uncontested slide to the semi-finals...

Until Uber Eats came to the rescue. I’m glad, because we DID NOT SEE THIS ONE COMING. Out of the wrapper, Hook Burger looked strong. Sure, the glistening brioche buns were round and warm and down the get the friction on — and we’ve all been seduced by buns like that before.

But when we got to slicing and biting, the Fatburger was...dry. Uncharacteristically so. But one bite into the Hook Burger and we tasted what was missing: SWEET BURGER JUICE. The Boy gave his a squeeze and the glorious grease dripped to the plate.

We thought Fatburger was going to steam through to the semis, where it’d likely lose to Five Guys. But they got grilled by the ascendant Hook Burger.
AND SO THE SEMIS ARE SET. Three more lunches and we’ll know who has earned the GOLDEN BUN (of course we named it).

And forgive the blurry bracket shot—I think I got grease on my phone.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #13. The Divisional Championships, Round 1. @innout’s Double Double vs. @farmerboysfood’s Big Cheese.

I used to watch a decent amount of boxing, back in the 80s—back when there was a semblance of class and allure to big ticket pugilistic exploits. I always used to wonder what it felt like to be a young heavyweight boxer who worked his ass off, first as an amateur, then as a pro.

Grinding, training, fight after fight after fight. Talent and determination working in concert to finally earn a shot at a title bout. At the champ.

And then losing to Mike Tyson in 70 seconds.

That’s what happened to Farmer Boys. They came at In-n-Out and got their buns handed to them, after a lot of good work to get there.

C’est la guerre.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #14. The Favorite vs The Cinderella Story. @fiveguys’ Little Cheeseburger vs @hookburger’s Hook Burger.
I’m not gonna keep saying the same thing over and over again.

Just...look at the Five Guys bag.

Hook Burger had a surprising, one-for-the-books run. But today, their burger was too dry, which couldn’t course correct for a too-crumbly brioche bun.
Five Guys did not have that problem. Again, lookit the bag.

So, the Golden Bun Final is set: @innout vs @fiveguys. A TITAN AGAINST A TITAN.

#MarcMeatMadness #BurgerBracket UPDATE #15. This is it, folks. The Golden Bun has been won. Thanks again for following along. You all take care, now.

Oh, you want to know how it went down, do ye?

This was the finale we all, I think, saw coming. @fiveguys’ Little Cheeseburger vs. @innout’s Double Double.

It was a particularly good day for both burgers.

We dug into the Five Guys first and were like, “Yeah, that’s the good good, right there.” The texture was perfect. Perfect cook on the meat, strong melt on the cheese, and the steam of all that beefy goodness got the bun all nice and warm. As excellent as it’s ever been.

(On our way to get In-N-Out, the Boy and I decided that if this was a draw, the tiebreaker would be to do both burgers again, but with all the toppings and sauces.) It wasn’t a draw. We both bit into the In-N-Out burger, looked at each other, and nodded. This was THE SHIT.

Crispedy edges added this spang of salt to each bite. Perfect meat-to-cheese ratio. Everything you want a burger to be.

The Silver Bun ain’t nothing to sneeze at — and I definitely won’t feel slighted if I end up hitting the Five Guys in my hood that’s right next to the In-N-Out (especially if their line is standard too-long).

But if we didn’t know it before, now the Boy and I are positive...that line is so long because In-N-Out is worth it.

Thanks for following along with us. This bracket has been a boon in uncertain times. It prompted long discussions over something that, at any other moment in our lives, might’ve felt trivial. It gave us something to look forward to, structure in a structure-less period.

So much so that I don’t think our bracket days are over.

Stay tuned.