no but why am i now thinking about this angsty slowburn canon namkook where during their early days before & after debut namjoon is exclusively only dating women and 15 y/o jungkook just dies inside every time joon brings home another girlfriend

he just hates singing all the songs that joon writes about girls and feels itchy and sad and weird when he sings about joon worshipping women and can’t stand not knowing why he likes someone so bad

he doesn’t really understand sexuality and has never cared to look into it or ask someone (especially after the talk where yoongi explained to him that there’s a word for liking boys), so he assumes that joon is straight and suffers for years in silence

so jungkook accepts that he’s gay, and assumes that namjoon is straight because to him there’s no other explanation?

when joon dresses up as sailor moon, jungkook then starts to think he understands why namjoon finds women attractive

(when in reality it’s 99.9% /namjoon/ being in a skirt and heels is what jungkook finds attractive but he won’t admit that)

so jungkook begins shopping online and ordering high heels, skirts and crop tops and getting them delivered to the office so the other members won’t question why he’s buying these things.

he drags a full length mirror into their shared bathroom and he spends hours alone trying on different outfits and trying to get to grips with walking around in heels in hopes namjoon might be interested in him if he sees him in any of the outfits

ok sorry i’ll stop HAHA

ok like 2 peopke are reading so i’ll continue [inserts vine where the guy is playing music with 3 people dancing below him]

although he sucks at walking in heels and the miniskirt sits so high on his waist that you can see almost everything underneath, when jungkook is determined to achieve something (in this case, looking “pretty” enough for joon to like him), he does anything he can to achieve it

so when jungkook sees joon in their living area of their tiny dorm a few days after receiving the clothes, he quickly grabs the clothes runs and to the bathroom to try them on.

he stumbles into the room, not bothering to check himself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom

jungkook is clad in a strappy crop top, a mini skirt and heels, pink dusted on his cheeks as he presents himself to namjoon, who looks up from his phone in surprise.

“jungkook?” he asks, and jungkook can’t read the expression on his face

“hyung?” jungkook squeaks, his voice coming out far more uncertain than he thought it would, his confidence dwindling by the second.

“what are you—“ namjoon asks, and jungkook can’t take it.

“am i pretty, hyung? do you think i’m pretty like this?”

“i mean....” namjoon looks uncertain, and jungkook is now desperate, reading namjoon’s face as if it holds all of his answers.

namjoon looks sympathetic, he looks like he feels bad for jungkook, like jungkook is embarrassing himself in front of namjoon.

“you don’t have to say anything.” jungkook whispers, feeling his eyes clouding and namjoon in front of him turning into a blurry figure behind the tears forming. “i’m embarrassing.”

jungkook tries to stumble away, letting the tears fall so the world is less blurry,

but it doesn’t stop blurring, and he can’t walk straight and he feels like he’s going to fall—

he feels hands grip his forearms tightly from behind, steadying him.

“jungkook.” namjoon whispers, “come on.”

he feels namjoon guiding him, the world still blurring around him, until namjoon sits him on the sofa.

“jungkook-ah.” namjoon’s voice isn’t confused, it isn’t angry or stern, “do you want to talk about this?”

jungkook tries to breathe in deeply to calm himself down,

but his tears won’t stop falling and he can’t relax.

namjoon is concerned about where the appropriate place to touch jungkook to comfort him. for some reason, namjoon thinks that hugging him in his boxers feels more acceptable than hugging him in his current attire.

jungkook can feel namjoon next to him, he breathes in and leans into him, breathing in his fresh woody scent from the cologne he wears.

he feels namjoon’s arm lightly wrap around him, his hand hovering just above touching jungkook’s bare forearm.

“why won’t you touch me?” jungkook cries, feeling himself getting worked up again.

“you’re vulnerable in this jungkook-ah. it feels like i don’t have the right.” namjoon whispers back.

“i need you to.” jungkook chokes before letting out another sob.

jungkook feels namjoon’s hand bridge the distance and he’s touching jungkook.

jungkook lets out a shaky sigh, shelving the fact that he had to basically just beg namjoon to touch his arm. he needs to stop crying.

after jungkook’s breathing has evened, there’s a short silence.

“you’re not embarrassing, i was just a little taken aback as you’ve never worn something like this before.” namjoon says softly, his voice feeling like honey in jungkook’s ears.

“you are very pretty, though, jungkook-ah. you should get a longer skirt, though.” namjoon says, jungkook hearing the smile on his lips through his words.

jungkook breathes out. he’s not ready to talk about this.

“okay.” jungkook whispers, gearing himself up to open his eyes.

“i guess i just felt like i needed context,” namjoon continued, “but there doesn’t need to be a reason for you to wear whatever you like. i promise i’ll support you through everything.”

and jungkook can’t take anymore.

“hyung, i really need to go.” jungkook says quickly.

he opens his eyes and looks down at his forearm where namjoon’s hand is situated and his heart hurts. he moves his arm, signalling for namjoon to let go, and he does.

jungkook forces himself up from the sofa and stumbles back to the bathroom, grabbing the sink to hold himself up

he looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, only catching a glance at his crop top and studying himself.

and it settles in.

namjoon said he looked pretty.

and then he said lots of things which were a little dismissive of the idea that he like-likes jungkook even if he’s dressed like this, but namjoon thinks he’s pretty.

for now, that’s enough for jungkook.

until the next week, namjoon has a new girlfriend, and jungkook feels like he’s back at square one.

and yeah, jungkook is 16, and namjoon is 19, and yeah, namjoon’s girlfriends are all objectively pretty, but didn’t namjoon say that jungkook was pretty?

jungkook feels a little lost, a little unsure of how to feel.

he’s never dated anyone before, has never really had the opportunity presented to him and hasn’t really been interested in any other person that isn’t kim namjoon his entire life.

he doesn’t know what this means, and instead of simplifying it down to him assuming namjoon as being straight, he blames it all on himself for not being good enough, for not being pretty enough.

his next mission is makeup. they’ve all been taught the basics of makeup, but have never really needed to do their own as they only wear it on stage.

jungkook asks one of their stylists for advice during the preparation for a music show.

“noona, how would i do my makeup if i wanted to impress someone?” he whispers, not wanting anyone else to hear.

“ahh jungkook-ssi!” she whispers back, “someone has caught your eye? oh, they’re very lucky. they should be impressing you.” she smiles at him through the mirror.

jungkook blushes, “noona, stop embarrassing me.”

“ah, i’m sorry. you’re so sweet, anyone would be lucky to have you chasing after them. do you want me to show you some things after the recording is finished?”

jungkook nods and she smiles excitedly back.

as they’re about to go on stage, her words hit him.

namjoon probably doesn’t feel lucky that jungkook is trying really hard to impress him, nor would namjoon try to impress jungkook. namjoon doesn’t think jungkook is pretty enough.

pretty, but not enough.

he tries not to let it get to him. he’s kind of come to peace with loving namjoon, and doesn’t let it affect his day to day life, especially work.

but the mistakes he keeps making, the weird glances the other members are giving him, the fans in the crowd still cheering,

jungkook has to admit that it’s kind of affecting him now, and he knows that after the show there’ll be many letters on fancafe telling him that they’ll never stop cheering for him, and that the members will ask him for information and won’t drop it.

when all he wants to do is sit with his noona and be taught how to look pretty for namjoon. and that’s the entire problem, but jungkook doesn’t want to face that.

after the recording is finished, and they’re in the dressing room removing their makeup, it’s awkwardly silent.

the other members and shooting each other knowing looks: jungkook is the problem and no one’s addressing it.

“i’m sorry.” jungkook whispers, feeling like he can’t take control of anything in his life right now, feeling guilty about everything.

he feels like shit knowing he’s annoyed the members by not performing at his best and he’s worried the fans. he’s letting everyone down and it’s entirely his fault.

the other members furrow their eyebrows, looking at each other with pity.

“we’re not mad at you, jungkook-ah,” namjoon starts, feeling like he needs to control the situation as the leader, when in reality jungkook just wants to scream at him, because jungkook feels this way because of him. “we’re just worried about you.”

instead, jungkook nods.

“i’m sorry. i didn’t sleep well last night. i promise i’ll do better.” jungkook replies, lying but being honest with his sentiment.

the other members still look worried, knowing that jungkook is lying. they nod back anyway.

the stylist pops her head in the door, “jungkook-ah, are you ready? i have my stuff set up in the next room.”

the other members turn from the door to jungkook in confusion. jungkook just nods, “i’ll see you guys back at home.” he says before following her out of the door.

jungkook’s mood perks up when they get into it. she teaches him a basic smokey eye and how to chisel his jawline to look sharper than it is.

she gives him a few makeup brushes and some of her old makeup for him to practice, and sends him away happily, wishing him good luck.

as soon as he returns home, jungkook goes straight to his room to avoid the situation.

for the next couple of weeks, all he does is avoid, avoid, avoid.

he spends all of his time either working, or practicing with the makeup he was given.

jungkook hears namjoon giggling with his current girlfriend that’s surprisingly lasted more than 15 days as he removes his makeup, feeling like he’s finally fucking nailed the smokey eye.

he could probably do it in his sleep at this point.

on one of their days off, he hears the other members decide to go out to eat together. they knock on his door to offer him an invite, and he politely declines.

he hears the door shut and thinks that this will be the day he can practice it all at once, the clothes and makeup.

since the last time, he bought a longer skirt that suits his height a little more, but also added thigh high socks to his basket after searching “men in thigh high socks” on porn sites and jacking off, realising that he enjoys it a lot and wants a pair.

he does his makeup, singing along to IU in his room loudly as he applies it. once he’s happy with it, he puts on the clothes and starts dragging the bathroom mirror quickly, wanting to marvel at his thighs in the socks as soon as possible.

as jungkook shuts the bathroom door, he thinks about the fact that he’s enjoying this entire journey a lot, and feels like it’s not even for namjoon anymore.

he slides on the heels and looks at himself in the mirror, he gasps a little as he takes himself in.

he /feels/ pretty, so pretty. his toned thighs are visible through the socks that stop just above the skirt finishes.

he does a few twirls, marvelling at himself and giggling excitedly.

until he hears a knock on the door.

“jungkook?”

“uh-“ jungkook worries, feeling anxious. “hello?”

“you okay in there? i really need a piss.” he hears namjoon on the other side.

jungkook sighs, walking over to the door, his heels clicking against the tiles and opening it.

namjoon gasps quietly, “oh— i’m..”

“you’re good,” jungkook breathes, trying to not feel embarrassed as he feels namjoon averting his eyes to anywhere but jungkook, “it’s not like you haven’t seen it before,” he chuckles awkwardly.

“i’ll just—“ jungkook says, grabbing the mirror ready to leave.

“my girlfriend’s here.” namjoon says quickly.

jungkook’s heart drops. “okay?”

“you can stay in here if you don’t want her to see you.” namjoon offers, and jungkook knows that he’s being kind and respectful,

but instead, he sees red.

“i don’t give a fuck what your girlfriend thinks.” jungkook snaps, pushing past namjoon and stomping to his bedroom.

he cries so fucking hard, hoping that namjoon’s girlfriend hadn’t seen him, because realistically she could sell that story.

he cries so fucking hard knowing that he’s a stupid 16 year old boy that kim namjoon will never like, will never take serious and will never Really look at.

namjoon refused to look at jungkook when he saw him in the bathroom,

probably worried that jungkook would beg him to tell him he’s pretty again. namjoon just probably said it to him to make him feel better last time.

jungkook isn’t good enough, isn’t pretty enough for kim namjoon and just wishes he liked girls too, so everything would be easier.

he cries so hard that his makeup smudges, and he looks at himself in the mirror and feels so far from pretty.

he feels like a boy that’s wrong, has never been pretty enough, will never be good enough for kim namjoon, because jungkook fell for the straight guy.

the situation blew up far more than jungkook had wanted, and namjoon took matters to the company.

namjoon really did care about jungkook’s privacy, jungkook thought, as he sat in a meeting room in the office, with the staff surrounding them.

namjoon admitted that he feels he might’ve put jungkook’s privacy at risk, and agreed that he won’t date anymore as to ensure the dorm would be a safe space for all members.

jungkook didn’t say a word.

jungkook doesn’t really say much over the next few months.

it gets easier, he’ll admit, not having namjoon and his heterosexual relationships shoved in his face whenever they’re off schedule.

the other members have tried to talk to jungkook about it multiple times, but it’s not something he ever thinks he’ll be ready to face.

he still spends his private time dressing up and practicing makeup, expanding his wardrobe and makeup collection massively.

at this point, he does it for fun. and it goes like this for a while. their work life gets in the way as their success takes off and their free time getting less and less as they begin flying around the world for concerts.

it becomes so easy to forget.

and then, they’re in LA, jungkook in his hotel room on the phone to his english teacher back in korea.

it’s late in LA, but it’s daytime in korea, which works well for scheduling the calls.

he hears a bang against his door, and fumbling, and hushed voices.

“hold on.” jungkook switches back to korean, “i think someone’s at the door.”

he puts his phone on the bed and walks to the door, looking through the peephole, and his entire life feels like it crumbles before him.

namjoon is kissing someone against his door. and yeah, jungkook is a little anxious because he’s 19, and he hasn’t seen namjoon with someone else like this since he was 16.

but it’s not just that, namjoon is kissing some white dude against his door.

a man.

and jungkook doesn’t understand. namjoon is straight. he’s always been straight. why is this happening?

why can’t jungkook stop looking? why does he feel confused and betrayed?

why does jungkook calmly walk over to his phone and tell his teacher that has to go, when in reality he puts his phone down and walks back to stare at the mess unfolding in front of him?

namjoon finally pulls back and giggles, “oh. that’s jungkookie’s room.” he says in english.

and jungkook feels numb as he watches namjoon pull the guy away to his room.

he doesn’t understand what’s happening, and his feet feel like they’re weighed down with anchors as he stands still in front of his hotel door.

it feels like an eternity of staring at his hotel door until he feels too tired to think anymore, his feet feeling light enough to carry himself back into the bed and collapsing into a deep slumber.

at breakfast the next morning, jungkook meets with the members and eats, hoping that last night wasn’t real.

namjoon’s absence at the table sadly verifies that what he saw last night definitely happened, and he just feels like he can’t keep quiet anymore.

“can you like both guys and girls?” jungkook blurts after staring at his plate of eggs for five minutes straight.

he looks up at yoongi, waiting for him to answer. the other members look confused at jungkook’s sudden outburst, and they look at yoongi too.

yoongi looks calm despite the eyes on him, and shrugs. “yeah. it’s called bisexuality.”

“so you don’t have to only like one gender?” jungkook asks.

“god no. you can like whoever you want, jungkook-ah.” he replies, sipping his coffee.

jungkook bites his lip and nods, his eyes looking back down at his eggs and feeling like things are starting to make sense, maybe.

he doesn’t want to fall back to being 16 year old jungkook, tripping himself up over kim namjoon again.

but instead of confusion, he feels hope.

jungkook is certain that he’s gay, he’s never felt attracted to girls, and has only ever been able to objectively appreciate their beauty.

but namjoon, maybe. there’s a high chance that maybe namjoon is bisexual, and maybe namjoon likes boys.

and jungkook isn’t a kid anymore.

jungkook can’t help reflecting on the past that that he’d shelved in his brain to forget.

he calls them the Dark Days, in which he was a baby gay, desperate for the straight boy’s attention.

he ponders on the fact that he was only 16, and that he genuinely thought that a 19 year old would somehow fall in love with him.

he cringes at himself. he was a kid, and he was hopeful, even if he knew namjoon was bi back then.

he tries not to be hopeful, knowing that namjoon had just hooked up with that guy. they’d all spoken about being lonely, and the other members had mentioned wanting to hook up with people, so it was inevitable. jungkook just didn’t think namjoon would choose a guy.

and maybe jungkook feels a twinge if sadness, wondering if namjoon had ever picked up on his desperate attempts to make namjoon know how he felt about him, and whether namjoon had been carrying around that knowledge the entire time.

jungkook does a lot of thinking during the rest of the tour, choosing not to hook up with people, but spends his time searching up bisexuality to try and get a better understanding of how it works.

when they return home, jungkook goes straight to his room and opens his wardrobe, looking for his skirts and heels and just, wanting to feel /pretty/ again, like he used to.

revisiting the memories made jungkook nostalgic of the side of him he found through the entire situation.

he does his makeup, zips up a PVC dress and slides thigh high boots over his legs, marvelling at himself in the mirror and missing the way this made him feel.

he regrets letting it go because of how it always reminded him of namjoon deep down.

he hears a knock on his door and ignores it, feeling frustrated that he’d been distracted from his zone.

he stands there silently, waiting for the footsteps to sound, for whoever it is to walk away, but they don’t.

“jungkook, i know you’re in there.” he hears namjoon chuckle from the other side.

“so? let me have my privacy.” jungkook laughs back, looking down at himself and realising that the only person that’s ever seen him like this is on the other side of the door.

“i’m.. dressed up.” jungkook whispers, feeling his heart clench as he tests, vulnerable as he waits for namjoon to respond.

“oh.” namjoon says, “do you not want me to see?”

and namjoon is so calm about it, it annoys jungkook a little. so he walks over and opens the door.

namjoon intakes a sharp breath as he takes in the sight in front of him. “oh. you’ve never worn anything like that before.”

“i have,” jungkook laughs, opening the door and gesturing for namjoon to come inside confidently. “i just stopped showing you.”

jungkook enjoys namjoon’s reaction a little too much, enjoys how namjoon doesn’t really try and look away like he used to, and seems pretty blatant about how he can’t stop raking his eyes over jungkook’s body.

“so?” jungkook asks, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“huh? oh. yeah. sorry,” namjoon laughs, shaking his head and rubbing the back of his neck. “i came here to apologise.”

“for what?”

namjoon averts his eyes, looking anywhere except jungkook, “for bumping into your door that night in LA. you probably looked, didn’t you?”

jungkook tries not to let his heart sink. he’s strong, and namjoon is nervous right now. take control, he tells himself.

“oh, yeah.” jungkook waves his arm, “it’s fine.”

“is that why you asked yoongi about bisexuality?” namjoon asked, and jungkook’s confidence disappeared.

and this isn’t how jungkook wanted to feel right now, in his sassy outfit where he felt confident and made namjoon gasp and stutter, he now feels like he’s 2 inches tall.

“yeah.” jungkook looks down, “i thought you were straight.”

namjoon chuckles, “me too.”

jungkook’s head snaps back up, and namjoon’s looking straight at him.

“huh?”

“i thought i was straight too,” namjoon shrugged, walking over and sitting on jungkook’s bed. “guess i’m not.”

“oh.” jungkook replies, unsure of what to say.

“yeah. so, uh. i’m sorry.” namjoon repeats awkwardly. “you look really good in that, by the way.” he smiles, and jungkook wants to crawl into a hole and lie there for a while, because this is the worst time for namjoon to just be saying that.

“oh. thanks.” jungkook says, feeling awkward and wanting namjoon to leave so he can just cry, his confidence completely shattered into a million pieces.

“do you want me to leave?” namjoon asks, sensing jungkook’s discomfort, “i didn’t mean to..”

“you’re fine. like, i’d like if you could leave, but it’s fine, like it’s not your fault, at all or whatever. thanks for apologising like it’s really whatever, i wasn’t upset or anything. i was just confused.” jungkook blurts, and namjoon nods before shutting the door behind him.

and once again, jungkook cries so hard that his makeup smudges, and he feels like he’s 16 again.

he doesn’t even know why he’s crying, he’s overwhelmed about everything, and wishes namjoon hadn’t chosen to speak about that right now.

he doesn’t know whether there’ll ever be a time where namjoon will truly ever See him, and he wishes he hadn’t let namjoon in. he wishes he’d kept it to himself again, his happiness tainted by kim namjoon again as he hangs up his dress and wipes the tear stains from his cheeks.

thankfully, jungkook doesn’t give himself time to dwell on it, busying himself with work and album preparation, shelving anything related to Liking Kim Namjoon and storing it in the depths of his brain so that he can’t think about it anymore.

jungkook will admit that he likes to run from his problems, and facing them head on will cause far too much unnecessary pain. especially because he knows how it ends.

he knows it ends with namjoon being bisexual but still never wanting him, and he’s not ready to face that.

sometimes he’ll lay in bed, looking at his wardrobe and wondering if he should open it again. trying to justify to himself that this shouldn’t be about namjoon anymore, namjoon has never shamed him and has never done anything but compliment him.

he doesn’t do it to impress him anymore, he isn’t trying to look a certain way in hopes that namjoon will like him. this is for himself only.

it takes a while, but jungkook gives into himself, wanting to feel the happiness and confidence again.

it’s been three months since the last time he’s done this, and he’s feeling a little excited to look through his wardrobe and pick something pretty out.

he chooses a red plaid skirt with a crop top and finishes it off with a choker. he finishes with combat boots and smiles.

he looks at himself and feels the happiness again, he feels pretty, and gets straight to work applying his makeup to finish off the look.

he considers taking photos but stops instantly, knowing nothing is ever private and safe nowadays and continues parading around his room.

he wants to scream when he hears a knock on his door.

“who is it?” he calls out.

“it’s me.” namjoon responds.

“do you literally wait for me to open my wardrobe just so you can knock on my door whenever i want privacy?” jungkook snaps.

“i’m sorry.” namjoon replies, his voice timid on the other side and jungkook feels a twinge of guilt.

he quickly opens the door just as namjoon is about to turn to leave, “wait—“

namjoon turns back to face jungkook, “oh.”

“is that all you can say when you see me?” jungkook smirks.

jungkook feels nervous when namjoon smirks back, “what do you feel would be a better reaction? you take my breath away each time.” he shrugs and raises an eyebrow.

“oh.” jungkook responds.

and then namjoon chuckles and jungkook can see his dimple and he wants to scream and cry at the world being so unfair that he can’t just have kim namjoon love him back.

“what did you need me for?” jungkook asks, trying to change the topic, because he can’t handle joke flirting.

“not gonna lie,” namjoon smiles, “i was going to text you to ask if you wanted to go out for food, but then i walked past your door and heard you stomping about and i guessed you’d be dressed up and i was curious.” namjoon shrugs, looking sheepish.

and jungkook just looks at namjoon, because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.

“why would you want to see?” he asks. genuinely curious, blissful, unaware.

“jungkook, have you seen yourself?” namjoon asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

“uh, yeah? there’s a reason i dress up.” he asks, not /getting/ it.

“yeah. probably the same reason i want to see.”

“i dress up because i look sexy.” jungkook challenges namjoon, still not getting it.

namjoon purses his lips, holding back a smile, waiting for the penny to drop.

“...oh.” jungkook finally says. “really?” he asks, his voice high-pitched.

namjoon nods, sincerely, trying to match jungkook’s pace and not wanting to push too far too quickly.

“you think i’m...?” jungkook asks.

“yes, jungkook-ah. i think you look amazing when you dress up, holy shit.” namjoon breathes.

and jungkook feels hot all over, because namjoon is Seeing him, and is checking him out, and licks his lip as he spots the choker around his neck.

“oh.” jungkook breathes. “you...”

“yes.” namjoon reassures jungkook, “you are ethereal. a dream. you look so good, i can’t stop thinking about you.”

“i cant think.” jungkook responds, his mind running a million miles a second. this wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

in his mind, namjoon wasn’t supposed to like him, he wasn’t supposed to ever want him. he’d settled for maybe living alone for the rest of his life and pining over the idea that maybe if he was better kim namjoon would like him, but now he doesn’t know what to do.

kim namjoon is in front of him and looks like he wants to devour him whole, and jungkook wants to let him, but doesn’t know how. doesn’t want this to be just this. jungkook can’t think straight but just wants namjoon to love him, and this isn’t the moment to have this crisis.

“are you okay?” namjoon asks, and jungkook remembers where he is.

“i—“, there are tears welling up in jungkook’s eyes and he hates himself so much right now.

“hey,” namjoon whispers, softly taking jungkook’s head in his hands, “look at me, do you want me to stop?”

jungkook looks up into namjoon’s eyes and feels like his heart is shattering, because he isn’t doing this right. he’s supposed to kiss namjoon and probably just let him fuck him into oblivion and then be heartbroken when that’s all namjoon wanted but he can’t let himself do it.

“i’ve wanted this for as long as i can remember.” jungkook chokes out, letting the tears spill onto his cheeks, feeling so small under namjoon’s touch.

“hey, please don’t cry, baby. i know you have. i know. and i’m so sorry.” namjoon replies, looking pained.

“this is my fault.” namjoon continues, “i’m sorry. i shouldn’t be doing it like this, i just didn’t know how. i’ve been running from this for so long.”

“what are you saying?” jungkook sniffles.

“ever since that time that i saw you in the bathroom, and i looked at you, and i didn’t see my little brother anymore that looked up to me. i saw you, i saw that you wanted to be seen, and fuck, jungkook. you were SIXTEEN. i couldn’t do it, i felt so weird and wrong,

that i thought a guy looked good like that. i thought i was straight, and then you were showing yourself off to me and you made me question myself. so i stopped it, i wanted the company to stop me from dating so i didn’t have to face anything.

i was a coward, i know. but i couldn’t, jungkook. i couldn’t look at you like that, so i just ran away from it all, even though i knew i’d hurt you so bad. i hope you can understand that i fucked up, and i don’t deserve you to want me anymore.” namjoon was crying, too.

“you knew?” jungkook was trying to breathe steadily, to calm himself down to face the situation.

“i knew, and i was scared. i’m so sorry.”

“i’ve been scared too, and you’re right. you couldn’t look at me like that back then, i was so stupid. why didn’t you talk to me about it?”

“i’m a coward, jungkook-ah. i thought you’d grown up and moved on.”

“you bumped into my door while you made out with another guy.” jungkook recalls, mostly reminding himself, feeling his heart hurt more. “you knew how i felt and you did that to me.”

“it was an accident, jungkook-ah. it’s why i came to apologise.” namjoon cried, his eyes looking desperate.

“three months after it happened.” jungkook snapped, freeing himself from namjoon’s grip and feeling like an idiot, dressed up like this and being humiliated.

“you waited until three months after it happened to apologise to me, while i sat in my hotel room searching up how bisexuality worked and basically fucking drawing in my diary love hearts for you when you knew the entire time, and continued fucking other guys.”

the tears were flowing effortlessly now, and jungkook continues, “i’ve always been a fucking idiot for you, but knowing that you may never like me back actually hurts less than all of this. and then you hit on me and hope that it’ll all be okay?”

“why do you have to ruin this for me every fucking time?” jungkook screams, gesturing to his outfit, “i just want to fucking enjoy this and disconnect it from any memory of you and you just can’t let me be happy, can you?”

namjoon is silent, his eyes red and bloodshot and hurt on his face. he closes his eyes and takes a breath, “i can’t say this enough. i’m sorry. i’ve never deserved your love.” he says, calmly.

jungkook doesn’t reply, his eyes are staring at the ground and he’s inched further away into his bedroom away from namjoon. “do you want me to go?” namjoon asks.

jungkook looks up and sniffles, “i’ll text you when i’m ready to talk.”

namjoon nods and retreats to his bedroom.

jungkook shuts the door and slumps onto his bed, not caring that the makeup will ruin his sheets, he cries until he’s too tired to cry, and falls asleep.

jungkook was awoken by a call from namjoon. he hesitates before picking up.

“jungkook-ah? are you awake?” namjoon asks.

“i am now.” jungkook snaps.

“i thought i’d wake you up before the managers came to find you. we have a schedule today and i didn’t think you’d remember.”

jungkook hates the fact that namjoon rang him to remind him, because it’s fucking cute and that’s just the kind of person namjoon is. he’d never intentionally hurt someone, and jungkook knows that.

“jungkook-ah?” namjoon asks after jungkook went silent, “did you fall asleep?”

“i’m here.” jungkook replies, “thank you.”

“i’ll see you soon.” namjoon says before ending the call.

jungkook’s heart feels weird and full of emotions, but he realises now isn’t the time to try and unpack them as he remembers the makeup on his face and the clothes he’s wearing.

he quickly rushes out of bed and runs to the bathroom, removing the makeup and jumping into the shower, feeling a little thankful that namjoon saved his ass.

maybe he’d give him the chance to tell him his side of the story, or something. jungkook thinks that’s what adults do.

in the car on the way to the office (he’s only 5 minutes behind everyone else), he sends namjoon a text;

jungkook [7:21am]: come to my room later
jungkook [7:21am]: i didn’t give you the chance to talk

joonie hyung [7:21am]: let me know when you’re ready

jungkook tries not to smile at his phone like a little lovesick puppy, because even though he was mad last night, he’s still in love with kim namjoon, as much as he’d like to deny it.

and, the boys have all fought so much throughout their careers that they’re brilliant actors when it comes to pretending like they’re not pissed off with one another whilst on set, so the day goes smoothly and no one suspects a thing.

when they get back to the dorm, they suggest going out to eat, and both namjoon and jungkook decline, the others shrugging and leaving without them with the promise they’ll bring food back for them.

when the others leave, namjoon looks at jungkook. “would you like to talk now?” namjoon asks, his voice calm and soothing.

“yeah, let’s go to my room.” jungkook agrees, leading the way to his room.

he wished him leading namjoon to his room for the first time wasn’t for this.

they sit on jungkook’s bed and namjoon launches straight into it.

“i know ive said this before, and i still stick by it no matter what happens, okay? i don’t deserve you. i’ve been a coward and that has hurt you, and you never deserved that.

after you made me question my sexuality, i was really scared. i was so scared, i didn’t know what to do. its really confusing feeling like you can’t find both men and women attractive, so i just fought with myself, and i struggled a lot.

i’m not trying to make you feel bad for me, because i don’t deserve it, i’m just telling you how i’ve felt throughout all of this.

i was scared, so i just threw myself into work, trying to avoid the situation, and masking it up with protecting you,

which, i promise, was really important to me. i was worried for you, and i was stupid back then, those girls could’ve sold our stories in a heartbeat, you know? i just needed something to stop me, so i could ignore everything and focus on work.

so i just did ignore it.. for years. and when we began travelling more, and the other members spoke about feeling lonely, i realised, yeah, i’m really fucking lonely.

i spoke to yoongi about how i felt and we drank and i cried, and he made me feel like being bi was normal.

he encouraged me to try things, and i feel like if he knew how you felt about me, i don’t think he would’ve pushed so hard. so i did, and that’s when you saw it, my first experience with a man, i accidentally bumped into your door.

and although i was drunk, i was still conscious enough to realise the implications of what i’d done. him and i went back to my room and kissed but i stopped him from going further.

i didn’t fuck guys during tour, jungkook-ah. i promise. i tried and failed.

i still haven’t got to grips with my sexuality. i failed and bailed out on this guy. and i was so embarrassed. i stopped trying after that because i’ve been so scared.

i’ve been scared to face how i felt about you, about how you felt about me, and i didn’t know if you still did.

and then when i got the courage to come and see you, you were dressed up again, and it just.. fuck. it messed with me, and i just needed more, and i didn’t know how.

i needed you but didn’t think you wanted me. and then, yeah. i dunno. last night happened.”

namjoon finished, looking at his fidgeting hands and breathing heavily.

“hyung, are you okay?” jungkook asks, holding namjoon’s shoulder, “are you panicking?”

namjoon sighs, trying to even his breathing out, “i’m.. i’m okay. i’m just really nervous. please don’t pity me.”

“you’ve been scared?” jungkook asks, parting namjoon’s fidgeting hands and interlocking their fingers.

“so scared.” namjoon whispers, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“i’m sorry.” jungkook replies, feeling embarrassed at how he blew up.

“you weren’t to know, jungkook-ah. i’ve been an asshole.”

“no.” jungkook says, slipping his fingers out from between namjoon’s and wiping away namjoon’s tear with his thumb, “you’ve been scared, and vulnerable. that doesn’t make you an asshole. you’re allowed to struggle.”

namjoon nods slightly, “okay?” jungkook asks, encouraging namjoon to agree.

“yeah.” namjoon responds.

“you’re allowed to struggle. please accept that. i won’t hold it against you, so please don’t hold it against yourself, i promise. i’m really sorry.”

namjoon nods, “i cant promise anything.” he chuckles, and jungkook can’t help but rub his thumb over his dimple.

“i can’t promise that i won’t poke and kiss your dimple.” jungkook smiles.

“deal.” namjoon returns the smile.

“is it inappropriate if i ask to kiss you right now?” jungkook grins, feeling cheeky.

“why would you want to kiss me? i have snot all over my face.” namjoon whines.

“beautiful.” jungkook smiles, and leans in but namjoon turns away.

jungkook whines, “hey, no fair.”

“please let me wash my face and then i’ll give you the fattest kiss.” namjoon promises.

jungkook nods and lets namjoon leave for the bathroom, his mind going into overdrive. he’s going to kiss namjoon.

namjoon likes him... he thinks?

“what’s going on in that pretty little head, hm?” namjoon asks when he returns, sitting opposite jungkook on the bed.

“just wondering if you like me.” jungkook answers, truthfully. throwing himself in the deep end.

“will this answer your question?” namjoon replies, taking jungkook’s cheeks in his hand and leaning in, softly pressing his lips against jungkook’s.

and jungkook’s never kissed anyone romantically like this before, and he doesn’t know if it’s supposed to feel this euphoric.

jungkook let namjoon lead, namjoon running his free hand softly through jungkook’s hair as he nips jungkook’s lip very lightly, causing jungkook to whine, and jungkook could feel namjoon smile.

“hey.” jungkook protested between kisses.

namjoon leans back and looks at jungkook in the eyes, “does this feel right?” he asks.

jungkook, in all honesty, feels so light that he could float away.

“this feels like i was put on this planet with the sole purpose of being able to receive your kisses.” jungkook breathes.

-

a few weeks later, jungkook knocks on namjoon’s door, as if he needs namjoon to answer the door instantly.

“hello?” namjoon asks, “come in”

jungkook opens the door and peeks his head in, “silly, why did you knock?” namjoon laughs.

“i needed your attention.” jungkook smiles

namjoon cocks his head with interest, jungkook fully opening the door and shutting it behind him.

he’d clad in a new PVC dress and thigh high boots again, a choker round his neck and a face full of makeup.

“i have one question for you, hyung,” jungkook drawls out.

namjoon has his tongue out like a dog, watching jungkook move desperately. “yes?” he answers desperately.

“am i pretty?” jungkook pouts.

namjoon looks like the air has been knocked out of him, “you are pretty. god, no, you’re gorgeous, magnificent, wonderful, ethereal.”

jungkook smiles, enjoying how desperate namjoon looks for him.

this had always been for him.

“please come here.” namjoon breathes, “need to show my baby how pretty he is.”

- THE END!!!!!!!

pls don’t hurt me i don’t like writing smut in twitter drabbles but their first time is very fun and passionate!!!!!!!

i’ve been writing this for 6 hours straight honestly anyone that’s been keeping up w this and reading: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! thank you so much i almost DIDNT WRITE THIS AT ALL haha but it means a lot that you take the time to read my work & keep me going with your quote rts!!