Y'all, on top of everyfuckingthing that's happening right now, I am having a day.

Here's the situation.

My snails love to fuck.

I don't know how, and I don't know why, but somehow I managed to get the two most amorous snails on the face of the earth. They are constantly On Each Other. "I'm not worried!" I (a fool) said to myself. "They can't reproduce in fresh water!"

BUT THEY SURE CAN TRY

so anyway these two assholes unstuck themselves from one another long enough to lay (presumably nonviable) eggs on every surface of the aquarium.

(Pictured: the lesser bastard.)

When I say every surface.

I mean EVERY SURFACE.

The thermometer, the plants, each other's shells, and -- and this one is important -- the filter.

(Pictured: the greater bastard, the ruiner and escape artist, my adversary)

This morning, I came out to look upon my beloved precious shrimps, and my lovely foolish catfish, and my woefully concupiscent snails.

But something was wrong. The tank, which normally is full of water, was noticeably emptier than it had been but a few hours before.

Also, my stack of TBR books and favorite notebooks, which sit just beside the fishtank on my desk, were completely drenched. Saturated. Ruined.

A leak, you say? Oh no. That would be too simple.

What happened was, the larger, bastardier of the two snails decided that he needed to lay eggs *inside* the filter.

So he did. He climbed up, snorped his way under the lip of the filter, and knocked the lid askew. Then he went inside and laid some fucking eggs.

But when he knocked the lid of the filter askew, it happened to land perfectly in such a way that it redirected the flow of the filter water, causing it to drip down the power cord and onto my FAVORITE NOTEBOOK and half my TBR books.

It was time to clean out the tank anyway, and I needed to get the eggs out of the filter and off the thermometer so I could READ THE GODDAMN TEMPERATURE, so I took everyone out of the tank and went to clean out the gravel.

And the tank shattered.

Into a bazillion pieces.

In my hands.

So for now, because my ridiculous snails love to fuck, everyone has to live in a blender.

Fucker.

Also to everyone who is asking questions about why a male snail would lay eggs: snails are hermaphroditic, they can produce both sperm and eggs, and they can apparently fuck any which way the wind blows. I use "he" pronouns for the big snail because he is a Rude Bastard Man.

Snail update for the interested: he is trying to get into the filter AGAIN

Welp. The new aquarium arrived even sooner than I anticipated! It's all set up and the water is settling for a few days before any fish, shrimp, or snails go in there.

But... I may have made a mistake.

See, the last fishtank was just a huge cylindrical vase that I took a fancy to, and all my aquarium equipment I own is kind of right for that setup. And the fish were happy enough in it, and I liked how it looked. So I tried to order another one.

And the website was like "pick your size of big cylindrical vase!" and I thought I was much better at estimating than I, in fact, am,,

so anyway it's here and it's big enough that you could fit a liquefied toddler in there

A veritable snailfucking paradise is on the horizon for you crazy kids

"don't worry," they said. "the snail eggs aren't even viable in a freshwater tank," they said.

then who the FUCK is this BABY

Ma'am were you aware you're having tWINS

Also before anyone asks, that's a glass anglerfish christmas ornament that I used to weigh down a plant and also to give these fish a sense of ambition. This is the greatness to which they should aspire

Guess who's got two huge bulbous eyes, an appetite for baby snails, and no conscience?

Meet your new roommate, hatchlings.

ILLEGAL TO BE THIS TINY!!!!

Istg if this baby snail says ONE WORD to the Vampire Shrimp I am gonna riot