Once a day until either 1) quarantining ends or 2) I run out, I will be tweeting a quote from my roommates. Names redacted to protect the innocent.

Roommate: “look at that doggy’s butt. It’s like dit dit doot doot. That’s the sound of his butt.”

Roommate, watching a hallmark movie: “if they say ‘schehduhle’ one more time I’m gonna lose my sh*t”

Roommate: “HOUSES FOR RENT IN LEXINGTON NO SLUGS”

Roommate: “you can be Jewish and still like Michael Bublé.”

Roommate 1: “have you guys been drinking wine?”
Other 3 roommates: “no?”
Roommate 1: “could you start?”

Roommate discussing a baby who was born in the Walmart parking lot: “Can you imagine the greeter? Like ‘welcome, not just to Walmart, but also to the world.’”

Roommate: “I feel like a baby during tummy time.”

Roommate: “what do you wear to a bar? Should I wear jeans? Can I wear this? Should I bring a sweater?”

Roommate 1: “those are the first small people I’ve seen all night.”
Roommate 2: “......children?”

Roommate: “what if we’re all just poorly drawn olives in a grape world.”

Roommate: “will you hold my beer? I left my tiara in the car.”

Roommate: “wow I’ve never been the alpha uterus before”

Roommate: “well here we are in matching pajamas, serious as death.”

Roommate 1: “did you get your nails done too?”
Roommate 2: “No, I went to therapy.”
Roommate 1: “that’s like getting your nails done.”
Roommate 2: “for the soul.”

Roommate: “Do you hear me say ‘shit’ every morning as I leave the house?”

Roommate: “we are all one germ.”

Roommate: “it really passes the time when you fight”

Roommate: *looooong sigh* “oh I am a hoe for head scratches”

Roommate: “I would really love to get f*cked up but I’m tired”

Roommate: “we’re discerning, not judging”

Roommate: “I don’t wanna get caught in a government pickle”

Roommate: “WOOOOOO! Drunk and afraid!!”

Roommate 1: “wait is it a uterus?”
Roommate 2: “no it’s a skull.”

Roommate 1: “I have pepper spray”
Roommate 2: “I have a mean demeanor”

Roommate: “and Jesus came out of the water and God said ‘you a new b****’”

Roommate 1: “I hope [person] isn’t working.”
Roommate 2: “Isn’t he in Europe?”
Roommate 3: “Oh yeah he’s in China!”
Roommate 4: “That’s not in Europe.”

Roommate: “I watered myself and then I remembered I need to water the flowers.”

Roommate, in a baby voice: “Say ‘I’m a little b*tch!’”

Roommate: “we’re just gonna Frankenstein some cheese together”

Roommate: “I want to climb inside the oven. Not in a Sylvia Plath way. Just in a cold way.”

Roommate: “uuuuuuuuugh braaaain please work.”

Roommate: “I laughed and a donkey...weesnawed at me.”

Roommate: “I’m just gonna drink water and pretend it tastes like pizza”

Roommate: “I just don’t want to be a f*ckboi.”

Roommate: “you’re scaring the zucchini.”

Roommate: “I took a bite out of it, but not with my mouth, with my hand.”

Roommate: “that goes against the spirit of Christmas, to be a ‘zilla.”

Roommate: “I’m gonna do some homework. I do my best work while I’m making bagels.”

Roommate, talking about a guy she was talking to on Tinder: “he’s also 26 so his prefrontal cortex is fully developed!”

Roommate 1: “you have to say ‘f*ck you’ with your actions.”
Roommate 2: “and that’s what I learned from Jesus”

Roommate: “I wiped my nose and shook George W Bush’s hand when I was five. I probably gave the president a cold. Is that biological warfare?”

Roommate: “oh no! My Mickey Mouse pancakes wont fit in the toaster.”

Roommate: “that shit is the shit.”

Roommate 1: “look at you you look like a person!”
Roommate 2: “awwwww stop it ”

Roommate: “do I want beer or ice cream?”

2 roommates + 1 boyfriend, all speaking at once :
“Like syphilis.”
“Who?”
“The guy rolling a boulder up a hill.”
“You mean Sisyphus?”
“Cicero? No wait that’s a place.”
“You’re thinking of Sicily.”

Roommate1: “and roommate 2, I’m pretty sure, is female.”

Roommate: “I don’t know shit about birds”

Roommate: “altruistic drinking only in this house”

Roommate: “can we get kinda tipsy and play Mario Kart?”

Roommate: “Aw shit we gotta start saying more funny stuff”