I get it: you're on lockdown. You're trying to do a lot with a little. It's hard to find joy in the midst of fear, depression, and austerity.

That's why it's time to learn about totwaffles. (thread)

Totwaffles are special in that they are among the elite order of foods which sound almost, but not quite, like a colloquial anatomical vulgarism. This alone may be nourishment in dark times. You are encouraged to lean into this fact as much as feels right for you.

I found that even in stores that were cleaned out of frozen everything, tots were still available. This may not be true for you. Brand isn't important; sometimes I think the knockoff tots work even better. You may be able to find them at your local corner store.

You also need a waffle iron. You may already have one; it may slightly hate you for never using it. This is not your fault. Waffles feel like a thing for people who have their shit together. You do not have your shit together. But you are about to give your iron a higher purpose.

You could leave a bag of tots out for hours to defrost. This is great. You can also pile frozen tots on a plate and stick them in a microwave. You can use the defrost setting or cook them outright. How many minutes? Yes. There is no way to fuck this up.

Just don't bake them. That is depriving your waffle iron of its new raison d'être, and we have promised it a better life than that. Ideally you want them to be soft, warm, a little wet. Like most good things in this world that are not socks.

Once you've prepped your tots, line them up on the waffle iron. Wherever they go, really. Tear them to make them fit small holes. Squish them into place. It doesn't matter. They are potatoes, and they will do your bidding.

Then, SQUISH down your waffle iron. It may require pressure. The top may not latch; some of the tots may spill out. This is okay. You may have just voided your warranty. This is okay. Warranties, like rent and office work, are but constructs which were never built to serve us.

Here are some other things which were never built to serve us. https://twitter.com/mspowahs/status/1239908783456993281

Leave the tots to cook. While you are doing that, contemplate: what shall you dress them with? To me, there is but one answer, and I share it with hesitation, for it may reveal things which are better left to the darkness of ignorance. It is SYRUPCHUP.

To make SYRUPCHUP: Combine maple syrup and ketchup in a 1:1 ratio. Either microwave or stovetop works. If you heat it on a stove, try not to let it boil and reduce. We want yield. The SYRUPCHUP must flow.

There are precisely two kinds of people in the world, perhaps the universe: those who see SYRUPCHUP as an inevitability, and those who witness it as an abomination. It is impossible to predict which you are, which your closest friends are. Doing is the only knowing.

I believe it is the only way to truly honor the duality of the totwaffle, to respect it as both tot and waffle. I have been maligned as a heretic for my beliefs, a queer breakfast anarchist unappreciated in my time. Perhaps future generations will understand.

Once you have recovered from dividing your community forever, check on your waffle iron. It may say it's done. Respectfully, DO NOT BELIEVE ITS LIES. Verify, by eye or finger, that it is crisp, that the tots have transcended their individuality and become something greater.

Yeah no this is good.

Sever the corpus callosum/callosi of this new organism, so that its hemispheres may part ways gracefully. If they do not, or if structural integrity is not to be found, that is okay—we are all falling apart. May we love our own falterings as we do the potato. We are the potato.

At this point, you may serve with whatever condiment you are prepared to become a martyr for. If you're feeling brunch instead, or simply for extra nutrition, you may add to it. A fried egg works great; I use scrambled polenta, or tofu with spices that make it taste like eggs.

Now that you and your waffle iron have rehabilitated your relationship, appreciate the world of possibility that has opened up before you both. Enjoy the new lens through which you now view all comestibles, the question living ever at the center of your heart: Will It Waffle?

Everyone is hurting right now, my household included, but lots of people are hurting more. If you're doing relatively okay, AND you're helping others, AND you enjoyed this thread, AND you have a few bucks to spare: I wouldn't say no to keeping us in tots. https://ko-fi.com/adapowers 

Since writing this thread, I've gotten laid off! (Not as a direct result, mind you.) We're good for the next couple months, but the future is still quite uncertain. Anything you can give in the link above would be deeply appreciated.

(And hey, if you're hiring for any funky writing projects, hit a gal-or-something up.)