Day 1:
Traffic is light in PJ. Fewer people out and about, less background noise.

Im at PPUM for a previously scheduled blood test and I'm feeling a little anxious. Not about the needle, but about how many aren't taking social distancing seriously.
My anxiety is also a little amped up is because I couldn't get any masks (3 ply or otherwise) before the RMO, so hankie it is. And now I'm visiting a hospital.

Otherwise, I'm OK. Thanks to those who reached out.
I'm done. Heading back.
Comfort food RMO - Day 1
Root beer float Paddlepop.
Day 2:
Managed to speak to Her Most Excellent Kittie River with regards to continuing supplies of fresh kittie litter, kibble and wet food. Assured her that supplies are adequate and efforts would be made to secure more as and when necessary.
In less serious news, I rescheduled all 3 of my appointments (all just a few days apart) at PPUM.

All were non-essential (physio & pain rehab), and can wait for RMO to end.

Please consider rescheduling any non-essential medical appointments so that resources can be freed up.
I have an appointment at my psych clinic on the 26th, which I'm hesitant to reschedule. Will call them tomorrow to discuss.

Even though I don't like crowds, the RM0 has me on edge. Hearing that my sister and nieces are sick isn't helping.
In even less serious news, I occupied myself with fixing up some stuff.
Checking up on the kitties.
Comfort food RMO - Day 2
Sunquik bancuh sendiri, bukan kedai kemut yang bancuh.
Jack and Whitey are taking the RMO very seriously. Pictures taken an hour apart.
Day 3:
Called HPUPM and asked to reschedule my therapy session. The psych clinic is in the midst of rescheduling ALL appointments due to the RMO, so they appreciated me calling.

If you're a HPUPM patient, call and reschedule. Help free up medical resources.
Having said that, my anxiety levels have been fluctuating, putting me on edge. Not being able to see my doctors won't help.

As long as I have stuff to do, I guess I'll be OK.

11 more days to go.
Comfort food RMO - Day 3
Cucur pusu (ikan bilis to Malayans; where do you think "berpusu-pusu" comes from?) with cicah kicap + cili padi.
Day 4:
Had to go out to get supplies. Traffic was light. Stopped at a Petronas & saw that they only allowed one customer in at one time, which was good.

While getting supplies, saw a couple of people insisting to eat at a kedai mamak. The mamak refused.
I had to tell the same people to maintain a 1 meter distance when one of them leaned over me to grab a drink from the mamak's fridge.

Didn't get everything I needed, but I did get caught in the rain on my way back. That was nice.
Comfort food RMO - Day 4
Homemade potato chips (a riff off a @mattymatheson recipe) seasoned with salt & chilli flakes.
Dinner - Ramly burger on wholemeal with scrambled eggs, fermented onions & tomato slices.

If you find yourself eating more carbs & fat, your body is probably prepping itself for hard(er) times (like how bears prep for hibernation). It knows how stressed you are.
Day 5:
Didn't do much today. Anxiety levels are spiking - irritability higher than usual.
Dinner aka comfort food RMO - Sardin masak pedas on a bed of homemade potato crisps.
Day 6:
Last night I noticed how quiet it is. No cars, no bikes. It's been a long long time since I've 'heard' so much quiet. It helped me zone out a little easier.

The anxiety still comes and goes. All I can do is prep for whatever comes next as best I can.
Lunch - Nasi goreng sosej marhaen

First lunch (proper or otherwise) in days. Appetite comes and goes, but keeping to a routine helps manage the stress.
Dinner - This
Didn't have spaghetti or proper cheese.
Day 7, 8, 9 & 10:
Not handling this well.
Day 11:

I'm tempted to call one of the emergency psychological support hotlines, but..

Partly, I don't want to. I still feel OK-ish, and I don't want to take away resources that others may have a greater need for.
Partly, I don't think they can help me, for a number of reasons specific to me.

How does one fully explain the existential fear that I'm feeling? A fear that I don't fully understand myself.
In conversation with my psy doc some months after my mother passed, he asked, "Are you afraid of dying?"

I said no.

Then he asked "Are you afraid of the process of death?"

Me: "Yes"

Seeing my mother go thru what she did, months in the hospital before passing was hard.
DNR please.
Persatuan penduduk handed out 5 pieces of 3-ply masks/household. These are the first masks I've seen that AREN'T on other people's faces in the last 3 weeks.

I wonder how long these will last for those with more than 5/household.
Day 12:


Not sure what to feel.
Present worries:
- How a likely RMO extension will affect my mental state. 5 days of rapid cycling is not great.
- Medical appointments post RMO. The healthcare infrastructure is strained, and this will show. HCWs will be tired, some may even have PTSD. Psy docs...
are probably very busy with psychosocial support & PFA now, and coming back to work (previously cancelled appointments) will be hard.
- I have at least 4 relatives working in hospitals in Sarawak.
- Sheer paranoia
- Just getting by
- Friends that I haven't seen in months/years. Those running small business and depend on daily sales. Are they OK? Makan ada?
- The socioeconomic & political fallout
Retreating into prep for various Doomsday scenarios helps a little. But there is only so much puttering about that I can do.
How many fucking shelves can I put up pun.
I still haven't even finished moving out.
Oh yeah, one more worry.

- An increasingly authoritarian government.
It's worrying how many are cheering on extra judicial punishment & arguably unconstitutional measures.
Comfort food RMO - Maggi kari (not opening the tom yam yet) + poached egg.
The white could have been better, but the yolk is nice.
Dinner - chicken wings and sautéed greens. Whatever tak abis, esok masuk potato pancake.

It's actually more expensive for me to eat at home during the RMO because I can't patronise my usual cheap makan places.
Day 13 & 14:
Lost in the mess of rapid cycling. One moment I'm calm and composed, making methodical plans... The next, I'm all sorts of angry, confused and scared.
Day 14, 15 & 16:
Starting to lose track of time.
Day 17:
Trying to keep to a regular routine is getting more tedious.

Cooking just to have something to do.

Had some frozen chicken & potatoes, so rosti + pan seared chicken + spicy tomato sauce.

Didn't really have an appetite. Just ate to pretend I'm functional.
Day 18:
Threw together what fresh vegetables are left in the fridge (cherry tomatoes, celery) with frozen mixed 'veggies' and fermented yellow onions (homemade).

Mayo + vinegar + red chilli flakes.

Structure & routine bla bla.
Fermented yellow onions yang senang. Also useful if you want to extend the shelf life of your onions or to add variety.

Diced or sliced yellow onions + white vinegar + sugar. Cover and keep in the fridge, lasts up to a month. Add to salads, burgers or as a garnish.
Day 19:
Cash is getting tight, but there is still food in the fridge. I'm sometimes struck with the inanity of trying to maintain a routine when obviously, things will never be the same.

I try to rise above the daily cycling between mania & depression, when I can.
It's not easy and only gets harder as the days pass, with me hardly noticing.

I focus on cooking, and suddenly I'm sweeping and mopping the floor multiple times.

I want to just 'handle' today and have to think about tomorrow. But that's not a real option.
I wonder how my first therapy session will to after the RMO.

Quite sure my doctors will also have their own stuff to deal with.
Sleep, when I can get it, isn't even helping anymore.

I don't know what will.
Shoulder still hurts, and Celebrax ran out 10 days. Celebrax is 40 bucks a strip over the counter.

Lithium & Epilim run out on the 24th, unavailable over the counter.

Can't go for physio, can't go for psychotherapy.
I've left messages from people asking how I am unanswered.

I really don't know what to tell them.

"No, I'm not."?

What comes after that?
Daily routine now involves making fun of politicians on Twitter for several hours a day.
Only so much meds can do to maintain my stability.
You can follow @hasbeemasputra.
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