I discovered "grime" music, UK rap, on Youtube. After listening to all sorts of UK artists for almost 9 months, I heard Jagga, a Sikh rapper, from there I was introduced to other Sikh grime rappers through the Youtube algorithm.

Singh Mahoon
Xeroes
Kholcha

I listened to Singh Mahoon a lot. He has a song with the chorus, "I want to be more than I'm supposed to be." Most of his songs are about the Punjabi diaspora and their quest for a sovereign nation of Khalistan.

From their music I found out what Sikhi is.

The Youtube algorithm suggested Basics of Sikhi, an English language UK program about the Sikh faith and people. I've listened to almost all of the videos and now have a very basic knowledge of Sikhi.

I stopped shaving my beard and cutting my hair (it's called keeping your kesh).

I stopped stealing from the rich, which I always considered acceptable because they're my enemy, but I decided I needed to attempt to become beyond reproach if I was really gonna do this Sikhi thing & that if I really believed in the Guru, I wouldn't need to.

Early on a Sunday morning I bought melons and mangos, 10 of each (it just worked out that way mathematically - it's what I could afford) and left it outside the doors of the Gurdwara Sahib. There was one car in the parking lot and I didn't see anyone.

Gurdwara means the Guru's Door. Some people call it a Sikh temple, but it's not a temple. A temple is where you worship idols. Sikhs worship in a Gurdwara.

I interrupted the goal of Sikhi to be becoming one with God. To purify yourself such that your soul will be accepted by Vaheguru, and you will absorb into him like water mingling with water.

Vaheguru means Wonderul Enlightener. God has infinite names because God is in everything and everything is within God.

The week following my gift to the Gurdwara, I was in Home Depot and noticed 4 young white men conspiring in the paint aisle, their voices lowered when I walked near them. It was very odd like they were doing something wrong and didn't want me to catch them.

Maybe they were just saying ugly things about people, but whatever the case, they behaved like a child getting caught by their mom.

As I continued to walk the store, I came to the tools and saw a belt-clip knife. I opened the packaging in the store, took it and wore it, bought it and left, wore it all weekend everywhere I went.

Here's the knife.

It's an excellent knife.

Later that week I went to Walmart to buy something. When I arrived, a thought popped into my head that I should remove my knife to keep from frightening people. In that moment I understood that I was constantly editing and changing myself to fit with others.

I didn't enter. I declared Walmart a slaver and said I would never give them another penny.

I searched for somewhere I could buy food where the money wouldn't be used in turn to hurt me or mine, to further bad things, I wanted to give my money to good people, but our local co-op shut down so I was out of luck and decided to go to the Whole Foods near my house.

I felt some nervousness wearing the large knife. I realized people must understand my intentions and realized that I don't want to (and won't) edit myself for others, but I must be as fair as possible in expressing myself.

So I got a smaller pocket knife (also a Milwaukee, the kind that takes razor blades) to keep on my hip and keep the big knife in the car. I have a metal bat in the car, too. In the driver's side door shelf.

I can only describe the feelings I felt during the weekend as bliss. I had no fear, I had no "I", really. I was LISTENING. When I had an "idea", I acted on it. I don't think it's correct to say "idea". It felt more like an impulse or intuition.

I have no scientific or logical explanation. I had some concerns that I was experiencing a medical issue and mislabeling it as a religious experience. I have digestive health issues and at the time had been unable to keep food down for a month. I had lost probably 20 pounds.

Shortly after, I joined the Big Brother Big Sister organization. One day as I was returning my little brother (my mentee), I passed a gas station and noticed an elderly Sikh man walking with a woman to a car.

I visited this gas station and asked the attendant if he knew if there were Sikhs in the area, he said he was a Sikh (he was not keeping his kesh or wearing the dastar, so I didn't know). I said "waheguru ji ka khalsa" to him. It felt good to say it.

Vaheguru ji ka Khalsa means "The Khalsa belongs to God". The Khalsa is all the initiated Sikhs on Earth. They've taken Amrit, you could possibly equate it to a baptism. Afterwards they must keep the five K's.

The five K's: Kesh (not cutting your hair, beard, shaving), Kangha (a wooden comb you keep your hair pinned with), Kara (an iron bracelet you wear on your wrist), Kachera (drawstring underwear) and Kirpan (keep a dagger on you at all times). These all symbolize something greater.

If you want to learn more about them, google it, but effectively, you keep your natural self God gave you, you keep yourself tidy, you remember to keep the Guru's wisdom, you think twice before you do something sexual you'll regret, and you always defend yourself and others.

The resonse to Vaheguru ji ka Khalsa is Vaheguru ji ki Fateh, or "Victory belongs to God".

I've since had to stop my Big Brother work as my wife got very sick, and I had to be able to tend to her more. She was in so much pain from a degenerative bone disorder. So much. It was so bad. She then had a surgery that immobilized her for months.

Unfortunately, the surgery didn't do much good. It was so bad. She was in constant pain. She started having to leave work early or miss a day due to the pain. She worked for a local community college in the IT dept. She's worked for the state in some capacity for almost 16 years.

Even though she was missing work, she had plenty of sick leave, and coworkers even offered to donate their sick time/PTO to her. Eventually they fired her for being sick and she has yet to find work. Cashing out her 16 years of retirement saved us from going broke.

All of this is neither here nor there.

In researching the local Gurdwara, I discovered a Sikh man was shot and killed at this gas station, he was the owner. The CCTV footage shows the murderer takes the Sikh's gun from his rear waistband and appears to use it against him.

The young man I spoke to was his cousin and was working there because the other man was killed. I felt scared for him. The gas station was run down, had tall grass and weeds everywhere, and in a shitty area. I thought maybe if it was cleaner, it would be safer.

I called my Dad and asked him if it was proper to help the Sikh gas station, to cut their grass and clean the grounds, to make it cleaner and maybe safer, and he said yes, if I'm compelled to, and it won't burden my family, then yes.

I went there super early on a couple Sundays and weedeated and sprayed herbicide in the cracks in the asphalt and concrete. I don't know if anyone even noticed, but it didn't hurt me to do it, so whatever.

Soon, I built up the courage to go inside the Gurdwara. It just so happened that the day I went, a delegation of city officials visited to discuss the shooting with the congregation. People thought I was someone, I had to disappoint them and tell them I was just some random dude.

I made friends with a few people (the gas station attendant was there), practiced my Punjabi, and ate delicious food. I went into the Diwan Hall and meditated for a bit. I accidentally sat on the wrong side (the women's side) and a lady gave me a look, lol. I figured it out later

I went back a few times. The last time I went I wanted to help in the kitchen, to do my part or something. But I was just in everyone's way and I felt bad about it, like I was intruding in someone else's space. Everyone else was Punjabi and the Katha (service) was in Punjabi.

I haven't visited in a long time, now. I was treated really well by the uncles there and they said I should come back anytime, but I feel out of place there. I still love Sikhi, though.

There's no point to this story, other than maybe reach out to strangers and find out about them and their culture and it will enrich your own life. I don't know, I'm no philosopher. I wish more people knew what the Sikhs believe and how they worship. It's incredibly beautiful.

If you feel interested, check out Basics of Sikhi on Youtube. Watch Jagraj Singh's videos. He was an amazing man. Fearless, strong, but kindhearted and full of joy. I wish I would have gotten to meet him before he passed away.

I stopped keeping my kesh, my wife hated the beard, and I'm ashamed to say I'm afraid to wear the dastar because some racist piece of shit may kill me. This Coronavirus stuff is making me rethink this though. We can die anytime. We can only live while we're here, live your truth.

Speaking of Jagraj Singh, there's a video on the Basics of Sikhi channel dedicated to bringing him and his family Chardikala during his fight with cancer (that he eventually lost). Chardikala is ever rising spirits.

The Chapai Sahib was sung for him, and it's really beautiful to me. It's a hymn written by Guru Gobind Singh Ji. Maybe it will raise your spirits, too. I will transcribe it below:

Sri Guru Gobind Singh Ji Maharaj
Chaupai Sahib | Dasam Granth

O Wondrous Enlightener Master

The Eternal Truth is found through the Name of God

O Wondrous Enlightener Master

One Universal Creator God

All Victory belongs to Vaheguru

The Tenth King, Supplication of the Poet

O Vaheguru give me Your Hand and protect me.
Kindly fulfil all my minds desires.

May my mind remain ever attached to Your feet.
Treat me as Your own and cherish me.

Destroy all my enemies.
Give me Your Hand and save me.

May my whole family live in peace.
May all my followers live in peace, O Creator.

Give me Your Hand and protect me.
Destroy all my enemies today.

May my hope be fulfilled and my thirst for your devotional love continue to exist.

May I not forsake You and may I not meditate on anyone else except You. May I obtain from You, whatever gifts I desire.

Kindly make my servants and disciples swim the world ocean. Kindly kill my enemies after singling them out.

Kindly give me Your Hand and save me.
Kindly destroy from within myself the fear of time of death.

O Vaheguru, there is a Sword on Your Banner, protect me.

O Great Preserver, preserve me.
Dear Vaheguru, You are the Master and Helper of the saints.

You are the Friend of the poor, and Destroyer of tyrants. You are the Master of the fourteen worlds.

Brahma obtained a body as ordered by Vaheguru at a proper time.

Shiva was born as ordered by Vaheguru at a proper time.

Vishnu was born as ordered by Vaheguru at a proper time.

All this is the play of Vaheguru.

Vaheguru created Shiva Yogi at a proper time and Brahma as the King of Vedas

Vaheguru fashions the entire world.
I salute him.

Vaheguru created the whole world.
Vaheguru created demi-gods, demons and nature spirits.

Vaheguru is the only one incarnate, from the beginning to the end.
All should know that He is my Guru.

I salute Him alone.
He Himself creates all His subjects.

He bestows happiness and divine virtues on His slaves. He instantaneously destroys the enemies.

Vaheguru knows what is passing in every heart.
Vaheguru knows the sufferings of good and bad people.

From the ant to the huge elephant, Vaheguru casts his glance of favour on all and gets pleasure.

Vaheguru is pained to see His saints in trouble. Vaheguru is happy, when His saints are happy.

Vaheguru knows the sufferings of everybody.

Vaheguru knows the innermost secrets of everyone's heart.

When the Creator projects himself, His creation is created in countless forms.

When he draws His creation within Himself, all living beings are absorbed in Him.

All living beings who have taken different bodies in this world, describe Vaheguru's virtues according to their understanding.

O Vaheguru, You live apart from everything. Only the learned and wise people try to know the secrets of the above phenomena.

O formless God, You are free from sins and You do not seek any support. You are the Primal Being, most pure, without beginning and self-created.

Only a fool boasts that he knows the secrets of Vaheguru, Whose secrets are not known even to the Vedas.

The great fool thinks that Vaheguru is a stone. But they do not know the difference between the two.

He continues calling Shiva as the Eternal God. But they do not know the secrets of the Formless God.

People according to their different intelligence, describe Vaheguru differently.

Vaheguru's limits and extent cannot be known. How the world was fashioned the first time cannot be known.

Vaheguru only has one form, without parallel. Vaheguru Himself manifests as a poor man or a king at different places.

Vaheguru has created life from eggs, wombs and perspiration. Vaheguru has created mines of vegetables.

Sometimes Vaheguru sits joyfully as an Emperor. Sometimes Vaheguru sits as a Yogi, detached from all.

His creation unfolds miraculous things. Vaheguru the Primal, is from the beginning self-created.

O Vaheguru give me Your protection now. Protect my disciples and destroy my foes.

The tyrants who rise up in rebellion, exterminate those infidels in the battlefield.

O Vaheguru, whose banner has a sword as a symbol. The enemies of those, who seek Your refuge, suffer.
Persons who fall at Your feet, You remove all their troubles.

Those who meditate on You, even once, cannot be approached by death.

All of them will get protection forever. Their troubles and enemies will finish instantaneously.

Upon who Vaheguru casts His favourable glance, become free from the troubles instantaneously.

Their homes are blessed with all the temporal and spiritual powers and no enemy can touch even their shadows.

One who even once remembers You, You liberate them from the noose of Death.

Any sentient being, who takes Your name, is released from poverty, enemies and sufferings.

O Immortal Being with the sword on Your Banner! I am under Your protection. Give me Your Hand and save me.

Stand by me everywhere and guard me against the tyrants and the evils.

The Universal Mother showed me compassion and I have completed this propitious Book.

She eradicates all sins and sorrows and exterminates the enemies and tyrants.

When Vaheguru, with sword on His banner, became benign, this text was completed immediately.

Anyone who reads this Granth, they will get the desired reward. No misery will come to pass to them.

If any mute hears this quatrain, they will be rewarded with the power of speech. Even if a fool listens with attention, they will be blessed with wisdom.

One who recites this quatrain only once, all their suffering, pain and fear will vanish.

O Vaheguru, since I have fallen at Your Feet, I do not care for anybody else. Since I have taken shelter of One God, I am not afraid of anybody and I do not worship anyone else.

I do not follow the religious ways, preached by various religions believing in Ram, Mohammad, the Puran or Quran.

The Simritis, Shastras and the Vedas lay down different doctrines, but I do not recognize any of these.

O Vaheguru, You have the sword in Your Hand, I have written these hymns with Your grace and kindness, all that has been said is in fact spoken by you.

O Vaheguru! I have forsaken all other doors and have caught hold of only Your Door!
Please protect my honour and grasp my arm.

O Vaheguru! I have forsaken all other doors and have caught hold of only Your Door!
Please protect my honour and grasp my arm.

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I like that in Sikhi you can pray for your enemies to be destroyed without and shame or confliction. I never accepted the idea of turning the other cheek.

If you allow evil to beat you down and whip you, don't expect them to ever stop. You have to stand up and stop them. This is basic chivalric code. "Thou shalt be everywhere and always the champion of the Right and the Good against Injustice and Evil."

Anyway, I don't know shit. I just like the hymn, and when I'm feeling super stressed I can listen to it and ground and calm myself. When I'm super sad I watch this:

Ninth is so joyful to be making music, like a child playing with his favorite toy. It brings me so much happiness to watch him do his thing and love it.

During these trying times, look for things to calm you and de-stress. I don't know what those things are, they're different for all of us, but if they help you, share them with others and maybe it will help them, too.