Read on Twitter
As a public service in these stressful times I& #39;d like to offer, as a palate cleanser, the most embarrassing moment of my life.
10ish years ago, my ex bf and I visited a spa in Germany. It& #39;s swimsuits in the pool but you have to be naked in the sauna.
Btw I speak no German. 1/
10ish years ago, my ex bf and I visited a spa in Germany. It& #39;s swimsuits in the pool but you have to be naked in the sauna.
Btw I speak no German. 1/
Bf and I agree to meet in the café. I get undressed, grab a lil towel and go off to the sauna. There are 2 unmarked doors at the end of a corridor, I take a guess and go through the one on the left.
It& #39;s not the door to the sauna. It& #39;s the fire escape.
2/
It& #39;s not the door to the sauna. It& #39;s the fire escape.
2/
The door locks behind me.
I am trapped inside the fire escape, in the nip.
3/
I am trapped inside the fire escape, in the nip.
3/
It& #39;s 2 storeys, dark, grim, noisy bc of huge fans. I bang on the fire escape door until I actually hurt myself. Nothing. Yell for help. Nothing.
Fully crying, I run downstairs, trying to work out which part of me I should cover with the lil towel - my face? A single buttock? 4/
Fully crying, I run downstairs, trying to work out which part of me I should cover with the lil towel - my face? A single buttock? 4/
Bang on the 2nd floor doors for 10 mins. Yell some more. Nothing.
On the ground floor there& #39;s an unlocked door. Jackpot! But no, it& #39;s a terrifying machine room with massive fans & pumps & & #39;electrocution& #39; symbols on everything.
5/
On the ground floor there& #39;s an unlocked door. Jackpot! But no, it& #39;s a terrifying machine room with massive fans & pumps & & #39;electrocution& #39; symbols on everything.
5/
Friends, there& #39;s nothing quite like running, naked & crying, around an industrial machine room. I spot a service lift. Out of sheer panic, I run into the lift, covering each boob in turn, mashing the buttons.
6/
6/
I go up & down in the lift a few times. There& #39;s a security camera in the lift. Torn between & #39;I don& #39;t want anyone to see this& #39; and & #39;I rlly rlly want someone to see this & rescue me& #39; I move the lil towel between strategic areas while sobbing & waving at the camera
7/
7/
After a few rides up & down, there& #39;s a German loudspeaker announcement, and I just *know* it& #39;s about me. Like & #39;the naked girl in the fire escape lift please stop mashing the buttons& #39; or whatever, but I can& #39;t understand it, so just cry louder and gesture at the camera
8/
8/
Eventually the lift doors open. A spa employee stands there. He is the most dressed man to ever be wearing clothes. He has brought NO TOWEL for me. He says something in German, I cry, he sighs, waves for me to follow him. I go after him, still switching around this washcloth
9/
9/
Apparently the only way out of the fire escape is to fully LEAVE THE BUILDING. So I& #39;m cowering on the edge of the pavement, hysterical, & he points round the corner. The only way back in is along the street, THROUGH RECEPTION, where ppl are queuing out the building
10/
10/
I now have an out of body experience. A shame black out. I have reached my max. I go fully through embarrassment and out the other side. Time slows down. I can hear the music of the spheres.
11/
11/
I stop crying, drop the washcloth, shoulders back, head high, follow him along the street, past ppl parking their cars, standing in line with their families. People say things, point. I cannot hear them. I am transcendent with shame. Untouchable.
12/
12/
Reception is BUSY. So busy he has to yell at ppl to make way so I can get through the crowd. The guy explains (I& #39;m guessing) the situ to the receptionist. This takes actual minutes. An old lady gives me her pool float. It is shaped like a lobster. The claws rest on my boobs.
13/
13/
The receptionist asks me for ID. I am wearing only a lobster. Where, friends, where would I be keeping my fucking ID? Receptionist sighs & lets me through the turnstile.
14/
14/
Ten minutes later when I run sobbing into a towel and find my bf in the café he has the AUDACITY to be grumpy because he& #39;s been waiting for an hour.
Fin
Fin
