Right, one ridiculous goal every day until the football comes back.

Faustino Asprilla, Parma vs Lazio (1995)

It's Hugo Sanchez! For Real Madrid! Against Logroñes! In 1988!

"Free kick for Cruzeiro here....Geraldão to deliver from the right..." (1986)

Rivaldo, Barcelona vs Valencia in 2001, because:

• This was the 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒕 goal of 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 hat-trick
• The dummy on Kily Gonzalez
• The ball looking like a boxer who's just been KOd
• Rivaldo knocking himself off his feet
• The general "I'll do this myself, shall I?" theme

Alright, here's Paul Lake's last-gasp FA Cup equaliser for Manchester City at Blackpool in 1988.

Mark Hughes, basically (2009)

Lefter Küçükandonyadis here, for Turkey against South Korea at the 1954 World Cup, with a goal that just doesn't belong in 1954

Roberto Carlos is urged to shoot, Palmeiras vs Sao Paulo (1995)

Mario Jardel (once described by the Guardian as "displaying the delicate first touch of John Prescott") scored 168 goals in 170 games for Porto.

4.2% of those came in one Portuguese Cup tie against Juventude de Évora.

Jardel came on at half-time.

This was his fifth of seven.

Gianluca Vialli, Juventus vs Parma, 1995 UEFA Cup final.

Just...really nice from every single angle.

Davie Cooper, Rangers vs Celtic, 1979 Drybrough Cup.

And you can read @JordanC1107's excellent piece on it, too
https://theathletic.co.uk/1685453/2020/03/23/davie-coopers-rangers-goal/

Patrick M'Boma, Gamba Osaka vs Shonan Bellmare (1997)

Matt Le Tissier's *least famous* wondergoal of all, against Barnsley in the Coca-Cola Cup in 1997 (on his birthday!)

March, 1996: Atlante are 1-0 down to Cruz Azul.

They bring on their substitute goalkeeper, Jorge Campos pulls on an outfield shirt to move up front and, with five minutes left, scores this.

It's his only goal of the season.

Here's Dwight Yorke – a man who once beat Johnny Vaughan, Ronan Keating, Martin Kemp and Jeremy Paxman to be awarded "The UK's Best Dressed Man" by the Menswear Council – scoring his last goal for Aston Villa, one of the daintiest Panenkas ever completed.

August, 1985: Bayern Munich's tremendously-named Helmut Winklhofer scores a 35-yarder so spectacular that it became the first own goal to win the Goal of the Month award on ARD's Sportschau.

Bayern refused to let him go and collect the award in person.

Not so much a goalmouth scramble as a gently throbbing mass of ineptitude, a goal watched 633,243 times on YouTube since 2012, titled simply: "Nathan scores!"

Chris Waddle, for the "Red Raiders" against the "Green Giants"
(Year, competition and "what the hell?" all unknown)

Infamously prolific head-utiliser Basile Boli starts and finishes the move for Marseille vs PSG in 1993.
(Commentary actually includes the words "ooh la la" halfway through.)

You: Yeah, "pre-assists" are not a thing

Steve McMahon, 1988:

Brought to you in association with @DagenhamMotors, here's Julian Dicks Scoring Some Penalties.

(Stick with this, you won't regret it.)

In the summer of 1992, Lothar Matthäus returned to Bayern Munich from Serie A with a ruptured cruciate ligament.

This was his first goal after his comeback.

The Disallowed Kevin Keegan Goal, 1981

My favourite non-toe-poke Romario goal for Barcelona.

The casualness + the lack of hesitation + tantalising unreachability for the goalkeeper = satisfaction

In 1993, Brazilian journeyman Edu Marangon went to Japan to join Yokohama Flügels and scored these two free kicks on consecutive weekends.

Every Touch for Leonardo's Goal for Kashima Antlers in 1995: Ranked

6) The steadying fourth touch
5) The thigh self-assist
4) First flick over defender's head
3) The half-volley finish into the top corner
2) Second flick over defender's head
1) Outside-of-the-boot first touch

"Goalkeeper" Rene Higuita giving Atletico Nacional a crucial first-leg advantage in their 1995 Copa Libertadores semi-final against River Plate from a free kick scored with his big toe, all perfectly normal really

"They will give him the goal and they will give him three assists": George Best wins the NASL's Budweiser Goal of the Year for 1981

Here's Glenn Mulcaire — who was later jailed for six months for his role in the News of the World phone-hacking scandal — scoring AFC Wimbledon's first ever goal in 2002.

As the old adage goes, if you give Djimi Traore (career goals: 5, career own goals: 1) this sort of time and space, he's going to punish you.

The modern masterpiece "Time" (Wayne Hatswell, 2000)

(The BBC match report described it as "The Shrimps grabbed the lead in the 40th minute when Rovers defender Wayne Hatswell put through his own goal", which I just don't think does this moment any kind of justice.)

The Alternative Camera Angles for Marcelo Salas vs England (1998): Ranked

6) Behind goal, just to the left (static)
5) Behind-goal rail cam
4) Sniper's view from Wembley stands
3) Side-on view
2) Back-spinning Mitre Delta from behind
1) Top-down view from blimp

Srboljub "Stan" Stamenković (231 goals and 311 assists in 264 games for the Memphis Americans, Baltimore Blast and San Jose Grizzlies) scores in the Major Indoor Soccer League's all-star game of 1983

Chris Waddle's inexplicable Marseille-upon-Tyne accent + his backheel against PSG (1989)

"Romario said to me, ‘the keeper's way off his line. Have a go,’ so I did.”

Barcelona's Gheorghe Hagi scores the greatest goal you can't quite see (1994)

Very Early Batistuta (1989/90)

The stupidest goal in the utterly stupid film Hotshot (1987), scored by real-life Haiti international Edner Breton and "choreographed" by John Stavros, whose other work includes directing and producing Penthouse: Luscious Ladies (2000)

An astonishing header from Enzo Scifo for Belgium vs Ireland in 1986, featuring some 9/10 wheeling away in celebration and just about the most casual delivery of a pinpoint corner I have ever seen.

Rarely-spotted Romario B-sides: This volley for Valencia against Atletico Madrid in 1997

"A wee bit cheeky, mebbe..."

Ally McCoist, 1989 Tennent's Sixes

Good morning, it's Magico Gonzalez!

Bruno Xavier, for whom the sand is lava

Gary Lineker and Tottenham perform keyhole surgery on Porto in the UEFA Cup Winners' Cup (1991)

Unexpected Panenkas: Alan Shearer vs Middlesbrough, 1998

Ronaldinho's first goal for Barcelona, scored at the highly appropriate time of 1.30am

The quite-satisfying-to-say-out-loud Alejandro Chumacero — for Bolivian outfit The Strongest, in qualifying for the 2017 Copa Libertadores — with arguably the greatest goal ever scored at 11,934 feet above sea level.

In 1989, one month before the Berlin Wall falls, the Soviet Union's Gennadiy Litovchenko scissor-kicks through East Germany in a World Cup qualifier.

(And celebrates next to an advertising hoarding for "Granini", which I assume was a collectable sticker book of elite old ladies)

My favourite John Barnes goal, my favourite half-volley and my favourite goal that involves Stuart Pearce whacking a full-back in the face as he delivers a cross

The internet somehow knows him as "Laurent Monde", the year is accepted as 1989, we are reliably informed that it was in French Guiana and for a club called SC Kouroucien, but otherwise this goal still retains a slightly mythical status.

In 1989, third-tier SV Türk Gücü München's goalkeeper Gerald Hillringhaus ventured upfield for an 89th-minute corner.

Two years later, he was playing European football for Bayern Munich. #makeuthink

An incredibly annoying goal — in almost every department — from The Pink Panther (2006) and, yes, the manager does appear to be Jason Statham

Davor Suker's greatest chip of all*, for Sevilla against Botev Plovdiv in the UEFA Cup in 1995

(*Yes, including 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 one, which was offside anyway)

Another every-angle special: Radamel Falcao for Atletico Madrid vs América de Cali (2012)

Atletico Madrid's Christian Vieri takes advantage of the most ill-advised stepover of all time to score from precisely 0° against PAOK in the UEFA Cup (1997)

Audacious Goals in Slightly Odd-Sounding Pre-Season Friendlies, No. 1,062: Simon Cox for Swindon against Fenerbahce (2008)

The birth of post-modern "shithousery": the cheat goal in FIFA International Soccer (1993)

Is Adriano going to have a crack? He is, you know (2001)

20 games before the end of his career (Burnley, Gansu Tianma, Boston United) this was almost certainly the last glimpse of Paul Gascoigne magic, for Everton against Leyton Orient in the FA Cup, 2002.

Trevor Francis for QPR vs Charlton in 1988, which I had never seen before, but am now very glad I have

Sigh, it's Gaizka Mendieta vs Barcelona (1999)

The Football Focus panel dissect a solo effort from an 8-year-old Shaun Wright-Phillips just a *little* too seriously

Matias Almeyda for Lazio vs Parma, 1999 - which is featured in @JamesHorncastle's brilliant chat with Sven-Goran Eriksson on that Serie A title-winning season
https://theathletic.co.uk/1808686/2020/05/14/sven-goran-eriksson-lazio-serie-a-title/

Manuel Negrete, scorer of the greatest goal at Mexico '86, proving two years earlier that it was absolutely no fluke

Hernan Crespo vs Colombia (1995)

Six days before 9/11, Paraguay's Jose Luis Chilavert takes his international goal tally to seven.

Roy Wegerle for QPR vs Leeds in 1990, a time when every single goal in English football was destined to be accompanied by the voice of Jim Rosenthal (and rightly so)

Alvaro Recoba for Inter against.................Iran (1998)

Dragoș Grigore for crack Qatari outfit Al-Sailiya (2016), which really just looks like an incredibly satisfying goal to score, even if there are just eight people there to watch it

Magico Gonzalez, Part II

(Also, "Soberano" is a great name for a brandy)

Branco somehow swerves a ball around a 1992-size Jan Molby (the camera angle at 0:28 doing it the most justice, I think)

"A Well-Worked Free Kick" (Osborn/Ketsbaia, 2000)

Marcelo Salas's first touch and instant volley, Part II: River Plate vs Liga de Quito (2005)

Guy Mengual.

That's....all the information I have for this one, sorry.

"He's tantalised him."

Ariel Ortega bids Jeff Kenna goodbye before chipping Argentina into a 2-0 lead against Ireland (1998)

Franklin Salas – now firmly my second favourite Salas – spots a gap for LDU Quito against Emelec (2007)

All 22 (TWENTY-TWO) increasingly uncomfortable Michael Owen volleys from six yards out against Jamie, the 13-year-old goalkeeper, in Michael Owen's Soccer Skills (1999)

Falkirk's Jim Holmes finishes off a flowing showcase of football at its most vertical to open the scoring...for Airdrie (1989)

An almost balletic in-off-the-bar, top-corner not-volley from Carlisle's Mike Barry against Chelsea in 1975

86 minutes into his international career, Keith Gillespie's first goal for Northern Ireland, against Austria in 1994 (assist: Iain Dowie)

(Took him 11 years to score his second international goal, oddly enough.)