Read on Twitter
Husband flew back from Europe last night and we aren't sure if it's jet lag or coming down with #COVID19, so we have decided to self-isolate for 2+ weeks to be responsible neighbors.
I'm making a thread for at-home hijinks and #momprobs, so you can mute if it's not your jam.
I'm making a thread for at-home hijinks and #momprobs, so you can mute if it's not your jam.
Mom's log, #coviddate 1
Husband has returned from abroad.
We have celebrated with him making brunch and children playing Zelda.
We are well-stocked for the next stage of our journey...we hope.
We anticipate hilarious #MaineRaising and Amazon Prime purchases when boredom hits.
Husband has returned from abroad.
We have celebrated with him making brunch and children playing Zelda.
We are well-stocked for the next stage of our journey...we hope.
We anticipate hilarious #MaineRaising and Amazon Prime purchases when boredom hits.
7: daddy, are you sure there are bananas in these pancakes?
Husband: YES, I followed mom's banana instructions
7: still not enough bananas
Me: the pancakes are only a banana delivery system, that's all they do https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1217874702640783361
Husband: YES, I followed mom's banana instructions
7: still not enough bananas
Me: the pancakes are only a banana delivery system, that's all they do https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1217874702640783361
Husband just told me he was attacked by a sausage.
9 is trying to make a case for Zelda counting toward his reading requirements and not his screen time limit since you have to read what they characters say on the screen.
We are not convinced.
We are not convinced.
Day 1 for me -
yes, hydration
hair care? Why bother
yes, hydration hair care? Why bother
Current dilemma - monopoly or build robots?
At this pace the boys will go through all the activities faster than the coffee cake.
Yes, I know this thread will be full of completely first world problems. Sometimes the problems that live in sitcoms are what get us through.
At this pace the boys will go through all the activities faster than the coffee cake.
Yes, I know this thread will be full of completely first world problems. Sometimes the problems that live in sitcoms are what get us through.
Overheard while making guac...
Husband: you landed on something I own, pay me rent!
7: prove it, meanie!
I'm not confident this game will stay a favorite, so adding science to the list. https://mobile.twitter.com/JacquelynGill/status/1238833997754634243
Husband: you landed on something I own, pay me rent!
7: prove it, meanie!
I'm not confident this game will stay a favorite, so adding science to the list. https://mobile.twitter.com/JacquelynGill/status/1238833997754634243
I just realized that there is one thing I definitely don't have enough of, and I know twitter is a great coach for this.
So twitter, how do I make bread?
I know how to make Irish soda bread...and Irish soda bread.
(Or should I just beg the local market to deliver bread?)
So twitter, how do I make bread?
I know how to make Irish soda bread...and Irish soda bread.
(Or should I just beg the local market to deliver bread?)
My night appears to be wrapping up processing worrying about all of *gestures to all the things* by making plucky, yet wildly dated, pop culture references on twitter.
Not the way I was picturing a pandemic.
Not the way I was picturing a pandemic.
My husband and I are really, really bad at social distancing from each other. 
It might be genetic - I'm typing this with a 7 year old draped over me and a 9 year old leaning on me.
It might be genetic - I'm typing this with a 7 year old draped over me and a 9 year old leaning on me.
This song has been in my head allllll year https://mobile.twitter.com/chartdata/status/1238457785932791809
When Frozen II is over, I'm going #GenX on this thread.
I'll mix in movies, music, and #GenX survival tips.
And when all this is over, dammit bring back Pudding Pops!
The least the world can do is give us those magical ice shells. https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1152647566363897858
I'll mix in movies, music, and #GenX survival tips.
And when all this is over, dammit bring back Pudding Pops!
The least the world can do is give us those magical ice shells. https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1152647566363897858
I'm off to see what I can manage for lunch, then...Goonies for our #GenX marathon.
I moved the car to the driveway and noticed spring is around the corner...well, or trying to pop up in the yard at least.
Husband took the kids to ride bikes in the cemetery where they will only run into dead people, so I guess they won't be joining me for lunch.
My mom got me this as a gift, so I have an obligation to enjoy it, right?
My mom got me this as a gift, so I have an obligation to enjoy it, right?
We are all Goonies. #GenX
I'll try to slide in anecdotes for the young'ens.
I grew up on the West Coast. Some of my family went to Oregon in a covered wagon. We used to the Oregon Coast every summer by Haystack Rock, to see the Peter Iredale, pig 'n pancake, feed the sea lions
I'll try to slide in anecdotes for the young'ens.
I grew up on the West Coast. Some of my family went to Oregon in a covered wagon. We used to the Oregon Coast every summer by Haystack Rock, to see the Peter Iredale, pig 'n pancake, feed the sea lions
Fratellis was the best ice cream on the planet.
That my children will never experience it is a great sadness.
Lesson from Goonies: weird, fun, cool to only us folks will prevail in the end - probably in pandemics and Senate runs, too.
Sort of how I made ballot in 2018.
That my children will never experience it is a great sadness.
Lesson from Goonies: weird, fun, cool to only us folks will prevail in the end - probably in pandemics and Senate runs, too.
Sort of how I made ballot in 2018.
Husband: ok kids, let's get breakfast, get dressed and start in on learning.
Children:
Children:
They are now making their cases for no responsibility.
7: dad, it's quarantine, they just want you to love your family.
9: you already taught me something when I was like 3.
7: chips are food!
9: video games teach hand-eye coordination and can be a real job
7: dad, it's quarantine, they just want you to love your family.
9: you already taught me something when I was like 3.
7: chips are food!
9: video games teach hand-eye coordination and can be a real job
7: I'm going to be a frickin wrestler, they get paid every day
Husband: explains workout routine that being a paid wrestler entails
7, eats chips, stares
9, eats chips, stares
#momprobs
Husband: explains workout routine that being a paid wrestler entails
7, eats chips, stares
9, eats chips, stares
#momprobs
7: I want grape juice
Me: we do not have grape juice
7, procceds to grab a cup and starts squeezing individual grapes with his bare hands
Me, calling to husband: hun, we're going to need a kitchen towel
Me: we do not have grape juice
7, procceds to grab a cup and starts squeezing individual grapes with his bare hands
Me, calling to husband: hun, we're going to need a kitchen towel
Today's #GenX movie feature, ET...which I just discovered has the phrase "penis breath" in it and I had to explain to 7 and 9 why we don't call people "penis breath"...or that a penis doesn't actually breathe.
Good times.
Good times.
9 is on his 4th wardrobe change of the day.
His current motif is camo pants and soccer cleats as he beats things with a stick in the yard.
His current motif is camo pants and soccer cleats as he beats things with a stick in the yard.
I *will* get in veggies.
Also, when kids pick bread, you end up with cool looking bread that can't be used for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Also, when kids pick bread, you end up with cool looking bread that can't be used for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Why yes, I am in the kitchen dancing like JLo to this while making brunch.
I, however, lack her talent and assets.
I, however, lack her talent and assets.
From the living room...
MOOOOOOOOOOM, dad is letting us have an irresponsible amount of coffee cake.
Shhhhhhhhh, you snitch
MOOOOOOOOOOM, dad is letting us have an irresponsible amount of coffee cake.
Shhhhhhhhh, you snitch
Breakfast veggies done.
Corned beef in the slow cooker.
Corned beef in the slow cooker.
My children appear set on devouring this coffee cake in one sitting.
I just caught 7 sneaking off with this slice that is approximately 1/6 of the coffee cake. This is not his first slice today.
I just caught 7 sneaking off with this slice that is approximately 1/6 of the coffee cake. This is not his first slice today.
My husband has decided to make his contribution to the economy...by purchasing a BBQ.
(He did actually need one, his is rusted out. But still...)
(He did actually need one, his is rusted out. But still...
)
7 has been nagging me for hours to play with "army men".
We do not have army men. I have never purchased or otherwise acquired army men.
7 emphatically disavows the notion there is an army men shortage and pulls me to the living room.
He presents *drumroll* chess pieces.
We do not have army men. I have never purchased or otherwise acquired army men.
7 emphatically disavows the notion there is an army men shortage and pulls me to the living room.
He presents *drumroll* chess pieces.
Please note, we do not actually own a chess board, so... #MaineRaising?
True love after closing in on 15 years of marriage is having the grace to tell yourself your partner probably couldn't see their contact lenses stuck to the floor instead of using their toothbrush to scrape them off.
My husband, now trying his hand at oral argument, making a case for a lake house in Western Maine with "if we had one, we'd be watching snow come down at an inch an hour with hot cocoa and a wood stove".
Yes dear, and a mortgage with absolutely no way to pay it.
Yes dear, and a mortgage with absolutely no way to pay it.
I am attempting soda bread.
Once upon a time, I was proficient at this, but it's been years.
Once upon a time, I was proficient at this, but it's been years.
Happy #StPatricksDay!
Don't make that bread.
It was much worse than I remembered.
It was much worse than I remembered.
We have reached the children talking like Donald Duck segment of our at-home entertainment.
#momprobs
#momprobs
We lost a family member yesterday, not #COVID19 (that I know of). Obviously, we won't be traveling to a funeral.
7 also woke up all night telling me he was super scared, but couldn't tell me why.
Quarantine life with no sleep will be so fun...should today be a bakes a cake day?
7 also woke up all night telling me he was super scared, but couldn't tell me why.
Quarantine life with no sleep will be so fun...should today be a bakes a cake day?
I just turned on my computer for the first time since Friday since I've been getting kids settled and triaging emergency client calls.
I'm going to go ahead and let those 2k+ emails download while I go grab some tea.
I'm going to go ahead and let those 2k+ emails download while I go grab some tea.
Me: I have to work for a few hours. Not want to, have to.
Husband: ok, I'll go air out the boys in the yard
Also husband, goes downstairs and tinkers with bikes indefinitely while children are not being aired, outside or otherwise.
Me:
Husband: ok, I'll go air out the boys in the yard
Also husband, goes downstairs and tinkers with bikes indefinitely while children are not being aired, outside or otherwise.
Me:
Hello, I would like to report a crime scene in my dining room; it's mackerel-based.
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello?
I have spent all morning trying to get the heater to work.
It's been narrowed down to a thermostat problem or a wires from the thermostat problem.
Ugh.
It's been narrowed down to a thermostat problem or a wires from the thermostat problem.
Ugh.
I have heat.
Heard upstairs, through profuse giggling: DADDY IS A VELOCIRAPRTOR
Heard upstairs, through profuse giggling: DADDY IS A VELOCIRAPRTOR
Me: Children, pace yourself, some of your favorite things might be a little difficult to get in the coming weeks.
Boys: yes, mom
Also boys, devouring an entire package of smoked salmon in one sitting because they are having carnivorous dinosaurs day: growl, slurp
Boys: yes, mom
Also boys, devouring an entire package of smoked salmon in one sitting because they are having carnivorous dinosaurs day: growl, slurp
There is a BBQ in my living room.
That's the whole tweet.
That's the whole tweet.
My 7 year old would like to join this math class https://mobile.twitter.com/JasonKander/status/1240737568586633217
9 is making an argument that peanut butter cookies are the most judicious use of our peanut butter and flour, his hardest-hitting argument is that he has a known dislike of multiplying fractions, but a double batch would be the positive reinforcement he needs.
Pretty compelling.
Pretty compelling.
Coming out of this is going to feel like...
I just ate canned mushrooms for the first time in years. I used to love them...my taste buds may have shifted.
Tonight's #GenX movie is Hook.
It's on the newer side, but I have claimed all things Robin Williams as a part of our pop culture history.
It's on the newer side, but I have claimed all things Robin Williams as a part of our pop culture history.
Quarantine crepes
My missing ingredient arrived.
Now I am out of excuses to trying the bread thing once I run through the loaf we have.
Now I am out of excuses to trying the bread thing once I run through the loaf we have.
Is there a word in German for "want to eat Ricetta's out of season seasonal risotto, but most definitely do not have that in the house"?
Finally made the cookies
I have been uncharacteristically *exhausted* for days now, despite drinking 3-4x the amount of tea I usually do.
I'm maxing out my capacity way before I get everything done.
Not sure whether to hope that I'm under the weather and this will pass, or that children suck my energy.
I'm maxing out my capacity way before I get everything done.
Not sure whether to hope that I'm under the weather and this will pass, or that children suck my energy.
The "monster" cheese apparently escaped its refrigerated tomb last night and made a break for it, or we have tomb raiders that prefer sofa storage.
#momprobs
#momprobs
I have spent over an hour trying to repurpose our children's tablets for their online learning.
The tablets don't have the capacity needed to "take photos of your work" (which I guess requires printing out from a child's tablet that is not an option) and submit.
Cool.
The tablets don't have the capacity needed to "take photos of your work" (which I guess requires printing out from a child's tablet that is not an option) and submit.
Cool.
9 and I went for a drive to get a break from the house. Some of Portland is following good social distancing...some is most definitely not.
That feeling when you reach into the cupboard for the butterscotch pudding you were saving for a snow day...and there is no pudding. *sigh*
The universe is excellent at diet plans.
The universe is excellent at diet plans.
9 asked to watch Nightmare on Elm Street as his #GenX movie. No.
The debate has moved to whether or not Better Off Dead is too age-inappropriate.
What say you twitter?
No.The debate has moved to whether or not Better Off Dead is too age-inappropriate.
What say you twitter?
It's so pretty out
Really looking forward to the no freaking power segment of this journey.
It is way too warm for this much snow...and I love it.
I have just made 3 cups of tea.
One after the other.
Each time I made one, someone swooped in, grabbed it out of my hand, and claimed it as their own.
#momprobs
One after the other.
Each time I made one, someone swooped in, grabbed it out of my hand, and claimed it as their own.
#momprobs
We just negotiated the maximum types of olives permitted in a grilled cheese sandwich.
The answer is three.
The answer is three.
Snow angel break
I updated my court appearance schedule.
I just spent 20 minutes cooking gravy that would not thicken.
The burner was off.
How's your day?
The burner was off.
How's your day?
When life delivers a substitute for turkey deli meat, you make...the thinnest turkey you've ever cooked that wasn't a bacon substitute with roasted root veggies.
Our boys have tech that is locked down. They only knew the internet as something on adult tech.
They each got a chromebook from school since their schoolwork was not compatible with their tablets.
We made it *1* day before they discovered all the internet.
Ha
Ha
Frick.
They each got a chromebook from school since their schoolwork was not compatible with their tablets.
We made it *1* day before they discovered all the internet.
Ha
Ha
Frick.
You know what is unexpectedly hilarious?
When your kids are on a Jumanji kick...and you have this in the basement, that has shifted in the sea of forgotten toys, so that every time someone turns on the lights down there it sounds like the movie might be just a little real.
When your kids are on a Jumanji kick...and you have this in the basement, that has shifted in the sea of forgotten toys, so that every time someone turns on the lights down there it sounds like the movie might be just a little real.
Drama cat is off her game tonight, midnight is the new 3 am.
9 is making himself lunch. It's a toasted bagel.
I asked him how it was...
"It tastes like coffee without being wet"
I'm not sure how to process that information.
I asked him how it was...
"It tastes like coffee without being wet"
I'm not sure how to process that information.
7 will do all his homework.
If I am sitting next to him on the couch with my arm around him, thus negating my ability to do anything other than one-handed read my phone.
If I am sitting next to him on the couch with my arm around him, thus negating my ability to do anything other than one-handed read my phone.
I'm making banana muffins today, and they are getting eaten faster than I can bake them. https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1243959909387042816
Finally building a muffin stash.
I ate a couple...the other 3 people in my house went through 22 muffins this afternoon.
Twenty-two.
I ate a couple...the other 3 people in my house went through 22 muffins this afternoon.
Twenty-two.
I just found 4 more wrappers.
Someone is going to end up with natural consequences of too many muffins.
Someone is going to end up with natural consequences of too many muffins.
I think I may have figured out what is wrong with drama cat.
I, naively, thought she was nocturnal.
Tonight I realized I have *never* seen her appearing even vaguely asleep for more than a few minutes.
She must be undead.
She is Catula.
Happy #Caturday
I, naively, thought she was nocturnal.
Tonight I realized I have *never* seen her appearing even vaguely asleep for more than a few minutes.
She must be undead.
She is Catula.
Happy #Caturday
Drama cat appears to be *over* spending time with us.
She's giving the window treatment.
She's giving the window treatment.
7 is double fisting banana muffins.
I'm going to need more bananas.
I'm going to need more bananas.
Ever since my "this cat doesn't actually seem to *ever* sleep" observation, husband is now mentally cataloging minutes-long gaps long enough for slumber when she is MIA.
We've been passing around some unpleasant bug in our house for weeks.
7 has the worst of it right now.
For about 4 days he's been totally on top of me, mostly literally.
I love the snuggles...but I could really use a minute where someone isn't touching me.
7 has the worst of it right now.
For about 4 days he's been totally on top of me, mostly literally.
I love the snuggles...but I could really use a minute where someone isn't touching me.
First chess casualty.
Someone who follows me in Maine must be have some magic skills with metal to fix this.
Someone who follows me in Maine must be have some magic skills with metal to fix this.
While I deeply appreciate Maine's Judges using this time to catch up on writing orders many of us have been waiting months for, I have absolutely no functional way to meet with clients to go over them, in person (because obvs) or by phone/video (because kids + small house).
Tonight's #GenX movie is Princess Bride.
It was a hoot watching the boys react just like Fred Savage.
It was a hoot watching the boys react just like Fred Savage.
I brushed my hair for the first time in 2 weeks.
It was worse than I expected.
It was worse than I expected.
I cannot complete work that requires more than minutes of focus.
Husband took kids in the yard so that I could attempt to complete work...within 12 mins they were back inside with a minor injury.
I spent the last 20 mins trying to type while being grilled on cooking shallots.
Husband took kids in the yard so that I could attempt to complete work...within 12 mins they were back inside with a minor injury.
I spent the last 20 mins trying to type while being grilled on cooking shallots.
Even without everyone on top of each other...why is it so loud? Why are there so many cars on the road? There is more noise now than a regular non-quarantine weekday.
When this is all over I'm going to start looking for a camp where I can shelter in place *alone* to work
When this is all over I'm going to start looking for a camp where I can shelter in place *alone* to work
The boys called me in, again, to review their cooking.
9 made "chopped eggs with shallot"
7's feat was "I put in a carrot so it didn't get too onion-y"
Dad was supervising.
BRB, it appears I have a carrot to chop, power bill be damned.
9 made "chopped eggs with shallot"
7's feat was "I put in a carrot so it didn't get too onion-y"
Dad was supervising.
BRB, it appears I have a carrot to chop, power bill be damned.
In 2 days, my household ate 39 muffins...and the lone guilt-muffin lingered.
No one wanted to be the person who polished off the muffins.
I ate the muffin. No regrets.
No one wanted to be the person who polished off the muffins.
I ate the muffin. No regrets.
I caught drama cat sleeping.
Maybe she isn't from a demonic realm.
Maybe she isn't from a demonic realm.
Homeschooling with a migraine is not my favorite migraine.
The past 2 days the boys have been sneaking around trying to find something.
Them, whispering: it's not here, dang it!
Me: what are you looking for?
9: it's probably rude to tell you
M: well now you have to tell me
9: the rat's nest you said you took out of your hair
M:
Them, whispering: it's not here, dang it!
Me: what are you looking for?
9: it's probably rude to tell you
M: well now you have to tell me
9: the rat's nest you said you took out of your hair
M:
Inspired by John Cleese, tonight's feature for the retro pandemic movie festival will be... https://mobile.twitter.com/JohnCleese/status/1245798680306860033
If you had told me on New Year's Eve 2019 that in 2020 it would take more energy to purchase eggs than to score a boarding group for Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge, I would not have believed you...yet here we are.
Update: we got carrots, not marshmallows.
7 is in mourning for the lost opportunity for s'mores and will not be receiving visitors at this time.
7 is in mourning for the lost opportunity for s'mores and will not be receiving visitors at this time.
Should I tell him I tucked these away a few weeks ago?
It's not like they are actually s'mores...
It's not like they are actually s'mores...
9 was whining about his books being too easy, so I had him pick a book off of the grown up book shelf.
This was his selection.
This was his selection.
9 wants to do some sort of baking challenge today.
Our kitchen is not set up for this.
Our kitchen is not set up for this.
Me: we don't have fondant
9: sprinkles?
Me: nope
9: royal icing?
Me: nada
9: molding chocolate?
Me: wait, maybe...of course not
9: edible flowers?
Me: it's mud season
9: decorative cookies?
Me: I think we have a granola bar
9: we're going to have to get creative then
9: sprinkles?
Me: nope
9: royal icing?
Me: nada
9: molding chocolate?
Me: wait, maybe...of course not
9: edible flowers?
Me: it's mud season
9: decorative cookies?
Me: I think we have a granola bar
9: we're going to have to get creative then
My husband just sent me this
We're still negotiating this cake.
We have:
- 1 bundt pan
- 2 big round cake pans
- 2 small round cake pans
- 4 mini loaf pans
- 2 large square pans
- 1 sheet cake pan
The boys have been building various configurations.
Currently ambition rating for the finished product: high
We have:
- 1 bundt pan
- 2 big round cake pans
- 2 small round cake pans
- 4 mini loaf pans
- 2 large square pans
- 1 sheet cake pan
The boys have been building various configurations.
Currently ambition rating for the finished product: high
...and they just found the muffin pan, the mini muffin pan, and the ebelskiver pan.
I've declared it too late in the day to bake today, so they are plotting for tomorrow.
I've declared it too late in the day to bake today, so they are plotting for tomorrow.
We seem to have reached the end of sports TV.
I walked into the living room and my husband is watching a Ukrainian show with men pulling trucks.
I walked into the living room and my husband is watching a Ukrainian show with men pulling trucks.
Can you put cake batter in a waffle iron?
I'm wondering if I can out-clever their cakes with a chocolate pandemic waffle haus.
I'm wondering if I can out-clever their cakes with a chocolate pandemic waffle haus.
Shoot 9 went into the basement.
I hope he doesn't find the teddy bear cake pan.
That thing makes cakes out of a Stephen King work.
I still have nightmares about that attempt.
I hope he doesn't find the teddy bear cake pan.
That thing makes cakes out of a Stephen King work.
I still have nightmares about that attempt.
