Monday, 3/16, 12:30PM PST in the Cardi B Conference Room: @DonMartinAM570 walls in, shirt untucked. @mattmoneysmith, @Theoldp, and @timcates, sit nervously, thinking of their families’ futures.

DM: Ok guys, I know this is a tough time for everyone in our industry. Believe me...

DM continues: This is not easy for me to do. I really felt like you guys hit your stride once we went back to local only. But things have changed. No one could have seen this coming... sure as dog shit on a horse’s hoof I didn’t see it, ok? But crazy times call for crazy ideas..

DM, rambling, PMS+TC, sweating profusely: as it turns out, all that chicken Effin and fartin you guys do every day, has some sort of value right now. So, effective immediately, we’re taking you national. Now, I know what you’re thinking...

DM: “Boss we tried this before it was an abject failure” but guys this is different. There are no. sports. to. talk. about. Turns out, all these damn popular radio hosts were just trained monkeys recycling boring sports media tropes! Who knew?! Now, my initial plan was...

To have a 24-Hour A Day PMS Show. We stick you guys in the studio with Cowherd’s OJ, coffee from a hose that runs straight from the commissary, and some of Vic’s leftover opium from 1974... but legal wouldn’t approve it. So, here’s what y’all are gonna do...

Tim, you’re out as producer. Instead, your sole job is to provide Matt n P endless Quick fits or quick hits or whateverthehell you called em, and then transcribe what they say word fer word, and we’re gonna send them out for all these other dummies to recycle on their own shows.

Matt n P, we want you guys to get back into weed, or whatever the hell y’all need to keep it just weird enough... and just do what ya do ok my man? Alright, I gotta go tell DP and the Dummettes or whatever that they’re now approved to literally rip off your show word for word.