CASTLEVANIA: here is *Dracula*
ME: hottie
CASTLEVANIA:
CASTLEVANIA: he is history's greatest monster
ME: a Good Boy
CASTLEVANIA:
CASTLEVANIA: he massacred a town with demons
ME: would smash
CASTLEVANIA: stop that

DRACULA: you have one year to leave or I will kill you
TOWNSPEOPLE: *don't leave*
DRACULA: *kills them*
TOWNSPEOPLE:

DRACULA: my beloved wife was murdered by idiots so I cursed them to die horrible deaths
ME:

seriously I don't see how he's the bad guy here

ALUCARD: *speaks*
ME:

CASTLEVANIA: here's Dracula's son!
ME: ooo fetish pants
CASTLEVANIA: he's fighting the hero!
ME: low-slung
CASTLEVANIA: the hero is the good guy!
ME: strappy
CASTLEVANIA: what is wrong with you

I just find the hero annoying and every villain hot??

I had this 1970s psychology book growing up and there was an illustration of what men thought women found attractive in men and what women actually found attractive in men and it's basically Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA: here's Isaac
ME: tattoos
CASTLEVANIA: and Hector
ME: uniform
CASTLEVANIA: they're e v i l h u m a n s
ME:

CASTLEVANIA: the hero is jaded
ME: k
CASTLEVANIA: but will his heart soften for the woman?
ME: probably
CASTLEVANIA: who can say
ME: gonna check my email
ALUCARD: hi
ME:

CASTLEVANIA: Dracula can move his castle *anywhere*
ME: oh like Howl
CASTLEVANIA: for *evil deeds*
ME: Howl's Moving Castle
CASTLEVANIA: they'll *never* catch him
ME: is Hector Calcifer

HERO: *outlines a plan*
ME: *imagines self in Alucard's clothes*
ME: shit what did he say

CASTLEVANIA: here is *Carmilla*
ME: oh shit
CASTLEVANIA: yes she's very evil
ME: hard femme represent
CASTLEVANIA: what
ME: long nails because she's here to be pampered
CASTLEVANIA: goddammit

even the sorceress likes Alucard more than the hero

saving pantry staples by snacking on Alucard instead

Hector has a CORPSE PUPPY this show doesn't want me to hate him

ALUCARD: *flirts with hero*
ALUCARD: *flirts with heroine*
ME:

HEROINE: *to hero* why is your name Trevor?
ME:

me watching Alucard talk to anyone

CASTLEVANIA: so, we saw your throuple tweet
ME: excellent
CASTLEVANIA: and we are veering *hard* away from that
ME: what
CASTLEVANIA: the hero and heroine will now cuddle under a blanket
ME: where is Alucard
CASTLEVANIA: *whispers* not. there.
ME:

HEROINE: Alucard is like a cold spot in the room
HEROINE: *to hero* not like your sadness
ME:

it's Monday night and I'm hanging with my favorite throuple

pleased to report the throuple energy has returned with Trevor and Alucard as sister wives to Sypha

(I actually really like the balance of the trio...it's not Hero and Two Sidekicks like you usually get, it's a legit balanced team)

(and there was only one bed)

SYPHA: *puts arm around Alucard*
ME: yesss
SYPHA: *also holds Trevor's hand*
ME: YESSS
THROUPLE: *walk together entwined*
ME:

TREVOR: you're an asshole
ALUCARD: you're an idiot
TREVOR: you're a bastard
ALUCARD: you're a child
TREVOR: wish you were dead
ALUCARD: ok I'll die then
TREVOR: no wait

TREVOR: am I...your bitch?
SYPHA: yes
TREVOR: k

ALUCARD: *cries*
ME:

ALUCARD IS CRYING SOMEONE HUG HIM