Thread by @Fusspot, I remember the moment I became keenly, irrevocably aware that I was [...]

I remember the moment I became keenly, irrevocably aware that I was fat.

I was six, and I was changing for a swim meet. I noticed that my stomach stuck out further than that of my friend at the time, May. 1/19

Being a whole six years old, I didn& #39;t really know what to do with this information. I just knew I was different from my friend, and something in the depths of my consciousness was telling me that this kind of different was a bad thing. 2/19

Shit really started to sink in when I was around 11. My second year of little league. The previous year had been fine, but now I had my period and I was growing. The biggest pants the league offered no longer fit. My face was too fat for the caps we had to wear. 3/19

Anytime I wanted to try some new sport, my mom would have to tailor or outright make a uniform to fit me. Even the biggest gym uniform was tight and uncomfortable as hell.

The standards set by the system had spat me out and told me I was not worthy of physical activity. 4/19

This didn& #39;t matter all that much to me. I didn& #39;t like sports anyway.

Then, I stopped caring about my appearance. I was 15 and my best friend had just started dating the guy I& #39;d told her I& #39;d liked (my fault, I guess; they& #39;d met at my parents& #39; holiday party). 5/19

Of course, I was a bit broken up, and I went to the school counselor for some advice.

She didn& #39;t tell me that a silly crush wouldn& #39;t matter in the long run. She told me not to get my hopes up. That things like love didn& #39;t really happen for "plain" (read: fat) girls like me. 6/19

That never left me.

In the following years I proceeded through an endless series of silly crushes, none of which I ever said anything about because I was the "plain" girl in a school full of dancers and charismatic theater kids.

The guys could always do better than me. 7/19

All through this, my mom& #39;s way of "helping" was to convince me to go on diets with her. That it was a team effort. That I shouldn& #39;t let her down by failing to lose weight with her.

Cabbage soup was a favorite, to keep me from becoming the heart patient it was designed for. 8/19

Joke was on her. I had a job and a car. I could afford to buy things and had the means to go get it.

Couldn& #39;t have love, couldn& #39;t feel good in my own skin, so eating what I wanted was the only control I had in my life. 9/19

I still fight with that on the daily. Sometimes a thing I& #39;m not supposed to have is the only thing that& #39;ll shut the voice up that consistently tells me that I& #39;m garbage, that nothing I do or make will be worth anything because people will be repelled the moment they see me. 10/?

I don& #39;t know if I& #39;m really ace, or if I& #39;m just repulsed by the thought of anyone having to look at me and spend time with me every day, let alone have to touch me. 11/19

I haven& #39;t even had a crush on anyone in years. The last time, I couldn& #39;t even talk to him unless I was three beers in and fully certain that he was drunk enough to forget any semblance of a conversation we had. 12/19

Occasionally I& #39;d get the thought to travel back to the city, offer to meet up for coffee, try to reconnect, but it doesn& #39;t really matter now. He& #39;s since off the market and I& #39;m... me. 13/19

I like to think that I didn& #39;t have to be "me", though. That maybe if I was taught to care for my body instead of trying to fix it all these years, I might be more conventionally attractive. Or I might be in the exact same place but with a much better outlook on life. 14/19

Maybe I& #39;d be in a place where I felt comfortable leaving the house, or going to concerts, or making friends that aren& #39;t behind a barrier that I control simply by virtue of never taking a photo of myself. 15/19

I want to know what it& #39;s like to exist without feeling internally compelled to apologize for the simple act of sitting and working upstairs, in plain sight of other human beings because I spent my entire life learning how to hide myself. 16/19

Maybe this shit is better off in a journal or being told to a therapist. I don& #39;t know. But I kind of feel like there are other people out there who need to know that this is all a work in progress. That it isn& #39;t worth laying down and dying because things aren& #39;t perfect. 17/19

I& #39;m still sorting this shit out, and I probably will be forever. But at least I& #39;m still here to do it. And I feel terrible for anyone who isn& #39;t because the world became too goddamn much.

It costs absolutely nothing to instill self-worth in a kid. Just fuckin do it. 18/19

If you do another human being only one kindness in your lifetime, please just spare them from this absolute crock of madness.

Thanks. 19/19

Latest Threads Unrolled: