self-forgiveness is challenging when it is less about forgiving yourself for creating space for people that didn't deserve it or betraying yourself and way more about you being the one to have harmed someone and not knowing how to move past that without feeling like a bad person.

for me and my personal story in this life, i have not been innocent in every experience with someone, and i recognize that and hold myself accountable for that while also remembering that those were experiences, not defining moments of who i am or becoming.

hurting and harming others is a part of this life just as being loved and loving, supporting, helping, etc. all exist and pretending that there are no instances where we are the ones that messed up does us a disservice because there is a lot of healing in that admittance alone.

because so much of society focuses on what is polished, presentable, "acceptable", and masquerading as perfect, there are many people that do not know how to address the fact that they are not perfect, have messed up, and want to change.

being held accountable should not always be something done with a side of punishment. that is learned. we were taught to treat one another with such cruelty for being imperfect and making mistakes. but hurting someone in return and then asking them to heal ... it's backwards.

i have been able to forgive myself even when others have not forgiven me through acceptance and remembering that those moments in time were lessons. a reminder that i am capable of harming someone and i don't like how it feels but i can change.

you don't have to beat yourself up forever because staying within that wounding will ensure that you keep repeating the hurt, whether you hurt others or you turn it inward and hurt yourself. forgiveness of self is a process, through honesty, accountability, and new actions.

yes, there will be some people that don't accept your apologies and don't forgive you, but that is their right and a part of life. you can be genuinely apologetic and still not be forgiven. a part of self-forgiveness is living with that.

feeling guilt is a sign that you still have a conscience. that you are still sensing and are aware of what it can feel like to hurt someone or do something you know is not aligned. guilt is not a useless feeling. we are supposed to feel guilty when we genuinely do wrong.

sometimes we are the ones being manipulative because we have an unmet need coupled with a fear of rejection and feel that doing this won't affect someone and then continue that behavior when we get away with it.

sometimes we are the ones picking fights and starting arguments because we feel that conflict is necessary for us to thrive due to past trauma and experiences. sometimes we are the antagonist because we need to feel powerful at any cost.

sometimes we are the ones that tell a lie because we want to spare our own feelings and shame of admitting our faults and pretend it is about someone else not being hurt. sometimes we lie because we feel unsafe and then involve others by taking away their right to truth.

all of us are capable of hurting each other. of course, most of us do not do this intentionally but impact outweighs intentions when the impact brings genuine harm to someone else. we are allowed to forgive ourselves but it also requires our change.

you're not a bad person for having harmed someone in the past. life happens. no matter the context, you hurt someone. are you sorry? did you apologize? are you taking steps to make new changes? if all are yes, you're not a bad person. "bad" people don't crave change.

forgiving yourself for the ways that you have harmed others means addressing your behavior and the context. a lot of us, especially as younger people, harmed others because we were in survival mode and someone else felt like a threat so it was either them or us and we chose Self.

that's not a justification, it is context. addressing that means tending to that feeling of being unsafe and ensuring we develop healthy strategies to provide safety to ourselves so we don't project that someone is out to hurt us so we have to hurt them first.

it means addressing what triggers us and working with them to self-soothe because most times, people do not trigger our sensitivities and wounds on purpose, with exceptions of course. we don't have to return hurt to others just because we feel out of control with our own pain.

self-forgiveness looks like having an honest conversation about how you hurt someone and the context behind it WITHOUT creating a new story about how you're a bad person, how you can never do anything right, how you don't deserve to be forgiven, how you don't deserve to live, etc

you're a human being and we are all figuring it out. the simultaneous process of learning yourself while also learning how to exist with and relate to other people is challenging. we are bound to hurt a few people in the process just as we love a few people along the way.

implementing boundaries with yourself is very important as you continue through life because the goal is to reduce the harm and hurt you cause to other people with your direct actions involving them.

boundaries with yourself look like having an internal pause when you're having a heated argument with someone and you feel yourself on the verge of saying something you can't take back. ask for a break and go ground yourself.

boundaries with yourself look like admitting when you are wrong and not trying to double down on someone else attempting to hold you accountable. the boundary is between your ego + pride and the connection you have with them. don't let pride ruin attempts to resolve conflict.

you can move on and enjoy your life again knowing that you are not the same repeating the same harmful actions over and over. if someone thinks holding you accountable means hurting you in return and always holding things over your head, disconnect from them. you are allowed to.

you don't have to accept someone always trying to seek revenge on you to be forgiven by them or be held accountable. of course, accept your consequences within reason. they can be hurt, they can respond to their hurt, but they cannot jeopardize your safety to heal.

self-forgiveness creates a pathway to compassion, understanding, and awareness. of course, if you are always forgiving yourself for the same things, there is more to address because you have not learned your lesson. get to the root and change the pattern.