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Venmo or DM me so I can keep going. All accounts have run out / this embarrassment is essential; all must be burned to create the light to go on. This is embarrassing and essential. Venmo @Geoff-Lewis https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1187760270216593409
we are at $650 thanks to two very special donors, if we get to $1,000 I will have less anxiety and might be OK and might be able to smile as I go to sleep tonight, woohoo, that sounds nice — is democracy about what sounds nice? Hahaha, look how I handle my condition in my hand
and maybe we won't have to do it again tomorrow, but probably we will; ah, every breath from here on out has to be at least half about money, safety, security — oh look at the vocabulary showing itself like flowers and birds! hahaha!! isn't this fun?!
it's like each day is a whole new tweetstorm you have to pin to your profile — selfcraft was easy, DAYCRAFT is the hard part! each day you have to come back to your voice and your way of seeing things! holy shit! has it always been this way? will it always?
what was life?
what was life?
wrote about the unfinishability of my writing as it were https://medium.com/@gplewis/ive-written-nine-books-d1bc084548d1 and continuing wherever feels right and letting the computer box it up for me, and I know how to send it to the right person, and I send 10,000 things a day to the right people 
reminds me/makes me think being looked at is the basis of the online attention economy and the dream of attention converting into money someday for everyone who tries to Be Visible AND/FOR [making] a living https://onbeing.org/programs/brene-brown-strong-back-soft-front-wild-heart/ be seen or die; BE SEEN ENOUGH
be a jazz wo/man in the world of ideas
this we know https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1235342310256398336 so the question (or the act, the living) is making the "we" real — how to join, ally, bond, cooperate, ... how to go from alone to not alone — how to solidify a bond between you (me, and you, ah! can I get past this distinction or lack thereof
This is an Alert to help manage your account ending in (...5080).
Please be aware that your Chase account was overdrawn at 03/18/2020 3:20:35 PM EDT. Your available balance is $-418.04.
Please be aware that your Chase account was overdrawn at 03/18/2020 3:20:35 PM EDT. Your available balance is $-418.04.
dope
remembering drinking seven Diet Cokes at Pacific Standard, a bar in Park Slope, Brooklyn, during the World Cup in 2014 as Netherlands took on Mexico — "It's the hunter vers[us] the savior!" the announcer yelled, referring to the goalkeepers' nicknames
well well well
PDFs haunt
![remembering drinking seven Diet Cokes at Pacific Standard, a bar in Park Slope, Brooklyn, during the World Cup in 2014 as Netherlands took on Mexico — "It's the hunter vers[us] the savior!" the announcer yelled, referring to the goalkeepers' nicknames well well wellPDFs haunt](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ETbGsTbUEAE7IP2.jpg "remembering drinking seven Diet Cokes at Pacific Standard, a bar in Park Slope, Brooklyn, during the World Cup in 2014 as Netherlands took on Mexico — \"It's the hunter vers[us] the savior!\" the announcer yelled, referring to the goalkeepers' nicknames well well wellPDFs haunt")
well well well
PDFs haunt
burning your secrets for lamplight
are you not entertained? is this not what you came here for? https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/08/style/jovan-hill-live-stream-social-media-money.html
"what are you going to do about it?"
well, i'm going to show you
well, i'm going to show you
i wonder how many people can't answer that question on their own in the silence of a work-from-home day next to the heater with old music in their headphones and not bothering anyone us, having so diligently stored blood in the form of data you know how to access + good habits
burn out and open for others, and hope
the only way
the only way
I, too, am facing an acute shortage of dollar funding https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/20/opinion/coronavirus-economy-currency.html
I haven't sold myself or my products enough and I owe this money starting tomorrow and I don't have it
Credit card minimum payment $256.00 due 3/22/20
Wave internet service $48.31 due 3/23/20
PG&E electricity and gas $104.21 due 3/31/20
this is a vibe, a mood
Credit card minimum payment $256.00 due 3/22/20
Wave internet service $48.31 due 3/23/20
PG&E electricity and gas $104.21 due 3/31/20
this is a vibe, a mood
PayPal, Venmo, Chase QuickPay
this is an American poem because it has to be;
these nouns are beloved by institutions
and dear friends and family have poured their labor, affiliation, allegiance and self-righteousness into the concrete that makes this moment I am living in
this is an American poem because it has to be;
these nouns are beloved by institutions
and dear friends and family have poured their labor, affiliation, allegiance and self-righteousness into the concrete that makes this moment I am living in
but I am just another voice and I know I will be fine, it is beyond my control though I crave an argument about control, which I think is what Work really is, and money and work should have been divorced a long time ago, or just money from housing and essential services
of course any discussion between citizens and taxpayers is about Essence and what really is essential, and what we are really doing with our selves and our lives, & running out of money makes us face this — it makes it so we can't look anywhere else but what we've been all along
and it is not just my problem, no one has a problem alone, and every person's problem is a connection to others
I suppose I have scrolled past and looked away from many asks for money, scrolled past many GoFundMes and Patreons and pleas of desperation for medical bills or pets' medical bills, I ignored it! Well, I registered it; it made a dent, and I moved on
I just haven't moved you enough. I haven't done enough. I haven't tuned my output right yet; I haven't loved enough. I haven't done what I advocate for: to unravel completely, in public, for no outcome or payment — just because it's the only thing to do; for survival.
so I have to do it more, for free, and hope. Hope. Hope is the only word for it. And waiting. Hope and waiting, and resignation and surrender to the force inside you trying to get out & unite with others; finding a noble way to live & stay alive, to connect. That frightful word.
'be desperate alone for five hours' is usually my prescription for any non-medical ill, so it figures I would be stranded yet again on the seemingly trembling edge of "running out of money" and having No Way Forward — and yet, as I go, one thought onto the next, the road appears.
fighting off poverty and finding a way out is the pandemic and was here before the latest one arrived — and aren't we all complicit? and isn't survival and writing ("making content" as it were) about how to get out from where we are (alone at a screen) to something more human
it is human to need others and not know what's going to happen
I wonder if "society" has been a wholesale shunning of that
reading &
needing money to read &
being able to become yourself &
what America has financed to this point &
what to do with the truth / how to make it save you &
how to survive the brink of no way forward and get to tomorrow &
silence and your watching this and not paying &
needing money to read &
being able to become yourself &
what America has financed to this point &
what to do with the truth / how to make it save you &
how to survive the brink of no way forward and get to tomorrow &
silence and your watching this and not paying &
how to do it for free and also not do it for free &
the need for a new language &
maybe the answer is in here https://twitter.com/jonahweiner/status/1174755586916769792
the need for a new language &
maybe the answer is in here https://twitter.com/jonahweiner/status/1174755586916769792
working out the drama in public of not having asked the right question to the right people recently enough in private; public "work" as force that pushes you back to private and "real" relationships, sitting again with silence and nothingness and having to be OK
if it hurts and it scares you you need to keep writing it; are you off the hook? DMs open which really means relationships open, intimacy available, listening available, belonging available
does this exhaust you to read? do you feel it? can you push the MAKE HIM NOT ALONE button
does this exhaust you to read? do you feel it? can you push the MAKE HIM NOT ALONE button
have you suffered enough this month? No. If you're in America, the answer is no.
“Buzz is nothing. Getting your name out there is nothing. All of the positive mentions and trackbacks and Facebook hits from that piece you did for somebody’s vanity project website are nothing.” https://medium.com/i-m-h-o/discouragement-for-young-writers-8a8024b84e2e
i have failed to get the right rich white people interested
or
i have not come out of my resentment
i have not earned the right to call myself a poet or writer or artist and in fact it must be earned anew every day by such a tightrope walk as this one
or
i have not come out of my resentment
i have not earned the right to call myself a poet or writer or artist and in fact it must be earned anew every day by such a tightrope walk as this one
I'll either have enough in my account or it won't matter that I don't. America and the economic self has to fall; the language has to be transformed, & of course it will cost lives. It had to come to this. I suppose this is where alliances are forged. This is battle. This is war.
I am tapped into this problem for all of us. And when I get breath from writing this today, I will remember one by one the people that have been there the whole time. And everyone can do it, & in a sense everyone must. It must be this hard for everyone. We must want to live AGAIN
"Trouble. Trouble is a great dustpan of a word. Its roots are found in Latin in the verb turbidare, to make turbid; and in the adjective turbidus, meaning disordered, turbid.
Turbid, of course, means unclear, muddied, obscure, and roiled up." https://themillions.com/2014/09/the-trouble-with-writing-by-michelle-huneven.html
Turbid, of course, means unclear, muddied, obscure, and roiled up." https://themillions.com/2014/09/the-trouble-with-writing-by-michelle-huneven.html
reading this as, "the trouble of making money when you know you have to figure out what the problem beyond your own not-having-money is" and the sense that it's all connected, and having to show the right people — and learning the limits of listening, of the truth itself
the world in my control used to not yield to the edge of the truth as I thought it. Now I can keep going and push tweet, and if it doesn't matter, well, at least I have gone as far as I could. Now this is becoming inarticulate, yet I must go on, or learn why I should stop.
everyone battling the internet to prove they're worth the time
now that is a sad state of affairs
now that is a sad state of affairs
this is what economics and self-worth tied up sounds like
do senators care? even if we called them
do they know how to listen?
who is the audience for this?
what is this? what isn't it? isn't this "everything"??
I can maintain my balance through this discussion with the devil
do senators care? even if we called them
do they know how to listen?
who is the audience for this?
what is this? what isn't it? isn't this "everything"??
I can maintain my balance through this discussion with the devil
i am not the only one in a dramatic and difficult meeting right now
it used to be enough that I knew all this intuitively, that I would read the clearly right-on articles and it would vibe and I'd know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I suppose "going pro" involves bringing your hunger & your shelter into the game, getting three-dimensional with it
what a shame, money fear eating into the face
so much that this image must go viral
we must unite (landlords and tenants?) against some enemy! the printing press of money? corporate lies? other people's beliefs?
we must climb the chain and vanquish the enemy
so much that this image must go viral
we must unite (landlords and tenants?) against some enemy! the printing press of money? corporate lies? other people's beliefs?
we must climb the chain and vanquish the enemy
and maybe this is all nonsense and all my beliefs are off
and this is fiction, this line of insanity and truth you would never dare to utter for the sake of your brand, because you play it safe, so careful to not upset your delicate place among the world's other elite
and this is fiction, this line of insanity and truth you would never dare to utter for the sake of your brand, because you play it safe, so careful to not upset your delicate place among the world's other elite
but i keep betting that if i stand up in public and thrash and talk about what hurts and what sucks, someone will see it and do something about it — so again i join the ranks of white male auteurs who are annoying in their desperate pleas for attention stemming from childhood
i am just another man who won't stop talking into the mic and you can unsubscribe but i will be here tomorrow and next week and month and year and decade and it'll be different, you are reading this which means something in you sees what is inside me, and i am not afraid of that
and sometimes you gotta spool out a lot of fishing reel to get to the point on the line that you're gonna go Yes, OK, that right there did it for me, and here's why...and then you Reply, or slide in my DMs, and we talk, I listen, we CO-BECOME, we shatter separateness
and if you don't know what I'm doing, that's the goal: you should wonder, what is he doing? how does he do that? why does he do that? and is that making a living for him?
these are important questions and change how we see everything
pandemics require new eyes
these are important questions and change how we see everything
pandemics require new eyes
may as well make this a thread of threads (of threads?) until i make this over better, which i will have to do because i am bad at paperwork and want people who like me to save me (financially), not the State https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1128764006930554880
essentially, pay me to work out what is wrong with me which i can do alone in time
just let me
it's useful
it serves
maybe it can/will only happen when nothing else can
or when nothing can stop it
my problem is not just mine
just let me
it's useful
it serves
maybe it can/will only happen when nothing else can
or when nothing can stop it
my problem is not just mine
sometimes i talk to fear
sometimes i talk to love
sometimes i talk to love
these are all just brushstrokes and honestly they're gonna have to send in the National Guard to tear me away from writing what I want online around the clock until my heart stops
may we all find a wealthy reader of our threads of threads of threads, amen
I suppose every month of your life you are saving your life https://twitter.com/gplewis/status/1236003372638953472 and it's good to surprise "the audience" with how you think you're gonna save yourself *this* time // leads one to think about "performance-based pay" instead of salary
I am ajar. That's the first fact of the world you should understand.
this thread, too, can go in the thread of threads
i'm just as interested in the futility of the thread of threads, and whether any of us can be embraced or freed from financial worry: constantly (even on Sunday, even on the phone with your mother) never being able to sell enough
i'm just as interested in the futility of the thread of threads, and whether any of us can be embraced or freed from financial worry: constantly (even on Sunday, even on the phone with your mother) never being able to sell enough
