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Do you have a hard time saying No?
Are you a people pleaser?
Do you put others first, sometimes at your own expense?
Are you unable to voice your needs no matter how hard you try?
If yes to 3/4 of the above, you may struggle with Assertive communication.
Are you a people pleaser?
Do you put others first, sometimes at your own expense?
Are you unable to voice your needs no matter how hard you try?
If yes to 3/4 of the above, you may struggle with Assertive communication.
Assertive comm is the ability to express positive/negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and actions without judging or blaming others
Here are some tips you can use to improve:
1. Practice Saying "No": Use your Mirror or Camera to practice saying NO to whoever it is you have a hard time saying NO to eg parents, friends. Imagine the person and the conversation. Practice what you will say beforehand.
1. Practice Saying "No": Use your Mirror or Camera to practice saying NO to whoever it is you have a hard time saying NO to eg parents, friends. Imagine the person and the conversation. Practice what you will say beforehand.
2.Practice "I" statements: Use statements that clearly state your wants and desires without leaving room for dispute
E.g: " I want to leave by 5pm"
" I don't like what you said earlier"
It is important to be specific so there is no doubt as to what your intent is.
E.g: " I want to leave by 5pm"
" I don't like what you said earlier"
It is important to be specific so there is no doubt as to what your intent is.
3.State your feelings clearly:
Don't try to pad your feelings or make them seem small. This allows others to invalidate you or pretend they dont understand you.
" You're making me uncomfortable"
" I feel angry"
Stating your feelings allows you acknowledge them and take charge.
Don't try to pad your feelings or make them seem small. This allows others to invalidate you or pretend they dont understand you.
" You're making me uncomfortable"
" I feel angry"
Stating your feelings allows you acknowledge them and take charge.
4.Negative Feelings Assertion: this is used when you have feelings of anger, hurt, resentment but want to communicate in a way that does not create further conflict. Here we use the: behavior - impact - feelings - preferred behavior technique
Eg: When you speak to me like that (behavior) it confuses me (impact) and makes me feel like you're not listening to me (feeling), I'd appreciate if you spoke to me with more respect (preferred behavior)
5.Discrepancy Assertion
This is used in instances when people want to play on your intelligence ie actions don't match words, hence you ask for clarification. Useful in office situations.
"Charles, we agreed to X via mail, but now you claim otherwise, can you kindly clarify?"
This is used in instances when people want to play on your intelligence ie actions don't match words, hence you ask for clarification. Useful in office situations.
"Charles, we agreed to X via mail, but now you claim otherwise, can you kindly clarify?"
6The Broken Record Technique:
This involves saying a line over and over until the other party tires out.
M: I need 5k
Y: I can't lend you 5k, I'm out of cash
M: I'll pay you back in 1 month
Y: I'm out of cash and don't have 5k
M: I'd give you o.
Y: I know you would, but I'm out.
This involves saying a line over and over until the other party tires out.
M: I need 5k
Y: I can't lend you 5k, I'm out of cash
M: I'll pay you back in 1 month
Y: I'm out of cash and don't have 5k
M: I'd give you o.
Y: I know you would, but I'm out.
7.Consequence Assertion: this is a last resort assertion and should be used as such. We use this when we want to remind others of the consequence of a behavior they're engaging in.
Eg: if you continue to disrespect
my views, I'll have no choice but to take this to HR.
Eg: if you continue to disrespect
my views, I'll have no choice but to take this to HR.
While these techniques are useful, you should remember that non-verbal cues eg tone, body language, facial expression etc can influence how your message is received and interpreted.
Keep your voice calm, volume normal, physical tension low, maintain eye contact.
Keep your voice calm, volume normal, physical tension low, maintain eye contact.
Everything takes practice, you wont become a master of assertion in a day. In therapy we advise clients to keep a log book (time/place/context/action), you can do this too
Eg: 2pm/ Office/ Co-worker talked down on me/ I emphasized I did not like being spoken to in that manner.
Eg: 2pm/ Office/ Co-worker talked down on me/ I emphasized I did not like being spoken to in that manner.
Assertion cuts across all forms of human interaction from friendships to relationships to family. These techniques above can be implemented in all. Healthy communication is key for the survival and continuity of your relationships.
If there are any questions, do feel free to ask.
Also if you'd like to book a therapy session or ask questions about therapy, send a DM
Also if you'd like to book a therapy session or ask questions about therapy, send a DM
