I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING OF LAN ZHAN ALL ALONE IN THOSE THREE YEARS IN THE CAVE AND HOW EVERYTIME HE WAKES UP AND REALIZES HE'S NO LONGER DREAMING AND TAKES THE REALITY IN HIS EYES GET WET AND HIS STARTS LOSING IT AGAIN

HE'S LOSING IT AGAIN BECAUSE HE'S GONE. HE'S DEFINITELY GONE FOR GOOD AND HE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. HANGUANGJUN HERE, ONE OF THE MOST PROMESSING CULTIVATORS THERE, IMPECABLE STUDENT HERE BUT IN THE END HE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO SAVE THE ONE PERSON HE CARED THE MOST ABOUT

AND MAYBE IF HE HAD SEARCH HARDER FOR HIM.
IF HE HAD REBELLED SOONER.
IF HE HAD TRUSTED HIM STRONGER.
MAYBE IF HE HAD TOLD HIM HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO HIM, MAYBE THAT WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A REASON TO STAY

MAYBE IF HE WASN'T SUCH AN INFLEXIBLE PERSON, SO COLD, SO CENTERED IN RULES AS HE USED TO COMPLAIN. MAYBE IF HE HAD LISTENED. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE HE WOULD BE HERE AND HE WOULDN'T BE FREEZING COLD IN THE PLACE HE LET HIM TOUCH THE BAND FOR THE FIRST TIME

MAYBE IF HE HAD PROTECTED HIM HARDER, IF HE NEVER HAD LET GO OF HIM. NOT WITH THE HEADBAND, NOT AFTER HE RESCUED THE WENS, NO AFTER A-YUAN GRABBED HIS LEG AND HE LOOKED AT HIM NOT RLLY KNOWING THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "Will rich-gege stay?", NOT WHEN HE ASKED IN TEARS

FOR LAN ZHAN TO LET GO OF HIM. MAYBE IF HE HAD TALKED TO DEFEND HIM. MAYBE IF HE HAD MADE CLEARER HOW MUCH HE LOVED HIM, MAYBE THE PRESSURE IN HIS CHEST WOULDN'T BE KILLING HIM SO SLOWLY

HE DIED AND HE DIDN'T KNOW. HE DIED AT HE LOOKED SURPRISED WHEN HE HELD HIS HAND TO STOP HIM FROM FALLING. HE WAS SURPRISED. HOW COULD HE BE SURPRISED THAT LAN ZHAN WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT HIM? WHY DIDNT HE DO EVERYTHING HE COULD TO PROTECT HIM WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE?

HE WAS SURPRISED. HE EVEN THOUGHT HE WAS THERE TO FIGHT HIM. HE DIED. HE DIED AND HE DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE. HE DIDN'T EVEN SUSPECT HOW TERRIBLY AND DEEPLY HE LOVED HIM. AND NOW HE WILL NEVER KNOW. SAME AS NOBODY WILL KNOW HE SCREAMS AND CRIES EVERY DAY UNTIL HE CAN'T HANDLE IT

ANYMORE AND JUST FALLS ASLEEP. AND WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES AND THE SAME DAMN HOUR EVERY SINGLE DAY HE REMEMBERS HOW SURPRISED HE WAS WHEN HE HELD HIS HAND FOR THE LAST TIME AND HOW HE SMILED AT HIM AND BEGGED HIM TO LET GO

HE'S SO USELESS. HE'S SO POWERLESS. HE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING. HE HAD TO WATCH HIM CRACK AND CRACK AND CRACK UNTIL HE BROKE. HE HAD TO WATCH THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE THAT ONCE SMILED LIKE IT COULD LIGHT UP THE WORLD ON ITS OWN GET TWISTED. HE HAD TO WATCH HIM SMILE IN A WAY NO ONE

SHOULD EVER SMILE. HE HAD TO HEAR THE SOUND OF HIS LAUGHTER AT THE UNBEARABLE THOUGHT OF LOSING EVERYTHING, EVEN YOURSELF, BEING HATED BY EVERYONE EVEN YOURSELF.
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW IN THE WORLD HE COULD LAUGH AT THAT BECAUSE HE'S FEELING THAT RIGHT NOW AND HE CAN ONLY

BRING HIMSELF TO SCREAM IN AGONY UNTIL HIS THROAT HURTS HARDER THAN HIS EYES, THAN HIS BACK, THAN HIS CHEST.

AND HE CAN ONLY THINK OF ALL THE MISSING OPPORTUNITIES HE HAD TO TALK. TO TALK TO HIM, TO TALK WITH HIM, TO TELL HIM HOW HE FELT, TO SPEAK FOR HIM AND DEFEND HIM

But that would be in another life. In another life he would be half as brave as his love was and he would have stopped it. In another life he would be here, and in another life, life would make sense.
But this life is only madness. In this life he was a coward. In this life he

wasn't enough to make him stay. And he will never forgive himself for that.

In this life everyone could call him exceptional, but he wasn't. If he couldn't make him stay, if he couldn't save him, he was no good for anything.

That was him, in this life, without him.