[HEAVY TTW SPOILERS]

I’ve been receiving questions about ttw in Jungkook’s pov, so I decided to make this thread to explore on what the fic can’t, and to move on from my attachment to this fic myself.

I want my twitter posts to be strictly sfw, but this works better as a thread than an AO3 posting. I’ll put on cute stamps for this.

Quick answer before this deep-dive: yes, Jungkook is in love with Namjoon, genuinely. It’s the kind that never goes away.

[the playlist]
Most of the songs in the playlist were incorporated with Jungkook’s pov in mind, especially mmith, Cherry Wine, Hatsukoi 初恋, and Lately.

mmith's verse (below) reminds me of the many times Jungkook left Namjoon’s bedroom (either when Namjoon told him to get out, or when he wasn’t allowed in at all):

Cherry Wine talks about abuse from a loved one that is forgiven because of how vulnerable the love makes you, while ‘Lately; is the exhaustion that comes from it, esp. the verse below:

[c. 3]

I think Jungkook started to develop attraction towards Namjoon at the moment kids start to develop attraction altogether, around when he was 10-ish?

It wasn’t something he understood, but that time in Shanghai he really did want Namjoon to kiss him on the lips, like, well, y’know, like in picture books and cartoons. Nobody really understands first love, right?

[c. 4]

Jungkook only steadily acknowledged his feelings towards his step-brother as something romantic around age 13, and how weird and wrong that was.

He knew that he shouldn’t, but being in love at that age is fuelled by infatuation, and it was so overpowering that actions aren’t often well thought of.

He wanted to be with Namjoon all the time and have all of his attention.

That’s why he kept coming to Namjoon’s room to ‘return’ Namjoon’s DS even when Namjoon didn’t really use it anymore, and was completely fine with Jungkook just making it his altogether.

Jungkook knew about Namjoon’s girlfriend, and that the feeling that was taking root in him would never be anything more. He thought the same thing Namjoon did: that he would grow out of it. That this was a phase and he only admired Namjoon.

Admiration. That’s it. He appreciated the songs Namjoon wrote and hung out in Namjoon’s room when Namjoon worked, because he loved seeing it, it didn’t matter if they didn’t talk much when Namjoon was working. It felt personal. Special.

At the same time, as they grew up, a lot of physical interaction became ‘off-limits’. Turning 13, it was odd to still be as touchy as they were when they were younger, like holding hands or kissing each other’s cheeks.

The lines got bolder, and just when Jungkook wanted to be closer to Namjoon.

When I wrote this, I thought of how Jungkook tried to compensate for this loss of touch that he craved.

He asked Namjoon to go on walks with him because it meant he could be beside Namjoon for longer, and when Namjoon held his wrist during their talk about being as much a brother as Jin-hyung, even that felt like it burned him.

During his week of suspension from school, home alone, Jungkook played games on Namjoon’s bed. It’s something that simulated touch, to be in the space that Namjoon had been, lay down on the bed that Namjoon slept in.

The day Namjoon broke up with his girlfriend, Jungkook fell asleep and Namjoon found him there.

As for sexuality, Jungkook began to explore his between the age of 13-15, like most kids do.

Attraction isn’t singular and he really did have a crush on Markus, the ‘handsome boy from my class’. It wasn’t like he ‘moved on’ from Namjoon, but like Namjoon, he did look things up.

The people on the net didn’t say very nice things about him.

He found some hopeful stories, but those are siblings who were already couples. Namjoon wouldn’t think of him the way Jungkook thought of him. Those hopeful stories weren’t for Jungkook. There were no stories for Jungkook.

Namjoon were those people who posted about their siblings having a crush on him. Weirded out, disgusted. He’d distance from Jungkook and that was what Jungkook feared the most—to lose Namjoon entirely.

Going forward to the summer Hobi and Yoongi visited, Jungkook went to football practice until sunset and then bummed at Markus’ until late. They played around and kissed and had fun. It was fun to learn about himself, to be kissed and touched like what all the talk’s about.

He didn’t know if he liked Markus. He knew he liked Namjoon. But maybe one day that will stop, maybe one day he’ll like Markus instead, or anybody else. Forgetting Namjoon would take time and effort.

That effort came crumbling down when Namjoon got angry at him. Jungkook was angry, too, because Namjoon didn’t act up when Jin got a boyfriend, but Jungkook just wanted to get it 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩. So he apologized, yet Namjoon still wouldn’t 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯.

It wouldn’t be wrong to say that at that time an irrational part of Jungkook wished that Namjoon would be jealous because he wanted Jungkook for himself. Jungkook had been wishing that from the start, didn’t tell Namjoon about Markus on purpose.

He beat himself up for thinking that way, it was stupid and delusional.

But then Namjoon kissed him.

He asked Jungkook if it was okay, and it was, it was more than okay, Jungkook had wanted to kiss him for years, why couldn’t he notice that, why did he even bother asking if it was okay? Namjoon had soft, pretty lips, and kissing him felt more than just fun, it felt 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.

Namjoon’s running away to Amsterdam was one of the particular scenes that I felt was a shame wasn’t written in Jungkook’s perspective. It did show Namjoon’s internal conflict, but it missed out on the mess it made of Jungkook.

Nothing made sense. Did Namjoon want him? Was Jungkook projecting? Was he so obvious about his crush on Namjoon that kissing him was Namjoon’s way of apology?

All that he was sure of was that Namjoon 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 it. He didn’t do enough, it didn’t feel right for Namjoon. That’s why Namjoon ran away.

They will fall out. Namjoon will stop talking to him. He’d be those people on the net. He was disgusted by Jungkook.

And that did sort of happen, didn’t it?

Namjoon didn’t want to touch him, said it was ‘a mistake’. He didn’t talk with Jungkook the way he used to. Couldn’t stand being in the same room with him.

Namjoon left for college and Jungkook was sure he only texted Jungkook happy birthday because their parents and Jin told him to.

They were always obvious when they fought.

So Jungkook didn’t text Namjoon happy birthday when it was Namjoon’s. He’d save himself the pain. He broke up with Markus because dating him felt meaningless, Markus was okay with that, too, they fooled around more than anything, and Markus’ parents were the conservative kind.

That wasn’t to say that Jungkook didn’t feel sad about it. It was awkward with Markus at school for a few weeks, but they bounced back as friends. All bad feelings go away.

Why didn’t the one with Namjoon go away?

Jungkook was being stupid again.

Thought about Namjoon every day, about what if everything went right, if he did better when they kissed, maybe Namjoon wouldn’t regret it, then? Did Namjoon think about him, too? Not every day, of course not, but just a moment, just once in a while?

Some nights he couldn’t sleep thinking of Namjoon. Jungkook really ruined it, didn’t it? They couldn’t even be proper brothers anymore.

One thing about this part of the story. I listened to 10cm’s 𝘊𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩 짝사랑 extensively. It wasn’t in the playlist because Spotify Japan doesn’t have it… but fine, think of this verse:

그대여 먼저 잠들지 말고
𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵
오늘밤 나를 생각해주오
𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵
아직도 뒤척이는 나처럼
𝘈𝘴 𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨
한번쯤은
𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦

Chapter 4 is a lot, this explanation thread is mostly explaining chp 4. Namjoon came back from college for Christmas. Jungkook didn’t sleep the night before.

The homecoming went better than Jungkook thought. Namjoon was—nice.

They hugged and Jungkook felt like he could burst at the seams. It was like, oddly, like they went back to square one. Stupid glances and smiles when nobody else was looking.

Which is good. Better than nothing.

But there was also this lingering hesitance from Namjoon’s side. That was fine, Jungkook should be the one to fix it. It was only fair, he was the one who didn’t reply to Namjoon's text. So Jungkook asked to listen to Namjoon’s songs, like they used to.

Namjoon asked if he wanted to try writing, too. The song I had in mind was Outro: Love is Not Over. Since Jungkook did produce it, and during roughly the same age he was in the story, 16-17. Also, if the shoe fits.

The pure intention to be brothers disappeared fast, however. Being with Namjoon again didn’t do him any good, his feelings went wild again, he just wanted wanted wanted.

This part was a rollercoaster.

Namjoon kissed him again and Jungkook was so many emotions at once, happy, relieved, fulfilled. In a long time, he wasn’t lonely anymore. They kissed under the covers like Jungkook had always wanted to since he was 10. Slept next to each other, talked.

He thought, foolishly, that maybe Namjoon really wanted him back.

But yeah, then the Christmas dinner came. Namjoon got a girlfriend. When Jungkook couldn’t sleep thinking about him, Namjoon slept well and found somebody else.

He didn’t kiss Jungkook because he loved him. He was only sorry again. Kissing Jungkook was a pity party.

In Jungkook’s room when Namjoon apologized, Jungkook still had that in the back of his mind, that Namjoon was just sorry, but he figured that didn’t matter.

If he could only have the physical part of this, then let him take what he could.

Jungkook pretty much rushed everything. Before Namjoon would leave for college again, before that loneliness would be back once more.

Namjoon was so agreeing, too. Had sex with Jungkook when Jungkook asked.

He said he didn’t want to go all the way because he shouldn’t be Jungkook’s first. Said Jungkook should find someone else. Okay, then. Markus again, then.

Markus didn’t love him anyway and Jungkook didn’t, too, so that was easy.

Hormones went wild at that age, 16-17. Getting Markus to fuck him was easier than Namjoon. There. Namjoon wouldn’t be his first, so it was fine now, right?

Being in Giverny with just the two of them was the only chance Jungkook would get to have this. He timed everything, said all the right things. He brought condoms and lube on purpose, he just needed this, before Namjoon would leave him again.

The sex hurt. That was a fact. Namjoon was ridiculously big and he didn’t really know how to have sex with a boy. But Jungkook didn’t care. This was 𝘢𝘭𝘭 he ever wanted, emotionally it felt euphoric. Namjoon was so, so caring, too. He said he loved Jungkook.

Jungkook took that at face value but shit, if that didn’t feel good.

It was only the first time, too. They still had a little more time before Namjoon would leave. It would feel good eventually. The second time in Giverny felt good. Felt amazing.

The best, the only way he could have sex from now on. Namjoon was always a fast learner.

But it wasn’t enough. Jungkook wanted all of him.

[c. 5]

What Namjoon said in chp 5 to Hobi was spot-on, really. Jungkook really was confused. Namjoon kept going hot and cold with him, he confused Jungkook and hurt him.

I think that was the moment the nature of their fights first shifted. When Namjoon chickened out after Giverny and ignored Jungkook. Slowly by slowly, they weren’t fighting like brothers anymore. They were both young but Jungkook was younger.

Falling in love at that age was scary. Especially with someone older, add to the fact Jungkook put Namjoon on a pedestal and that Namjoon was his brother. Their relationship was fragile as fragile can be.

Adult-minor relationships are dangerous because power is 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 at play, even when that wasn't the intention. Most of the time, the younger partner is horribly insecure. A lot of separation anxiety, a lot of feeling not enough. This was what I tried to apply with Jungkook.

Jungkook gave in quick, agreed with Namjoon when Namjoon made it as if he was in the wrong, apologized right away and profusely.

He couldn’t stand having an argument even just for a second because he didn’t like it one bit, scared that Namjoon would hate him, would leave him, all the time.

That’s a debilitating fear at that age, and the emotional abuse stunted Jungkook.

He couldn’t grow out of that state of fear.

What Jungkook believed was he needed to be the best he could be for Namjoon. Agreeable, obedient, forgiving. He needed to be inexperienced enough for Namjoon to still be wanted, but mature enough to not scare Namjoon off.

(Making things clear: Namjoon didn’t think this way at all. He was as madly in love with Jungkook as Jungkook was, but he had his own angst.)

[c. 6]

Hoo boy, going to breeze through his one because this chapter stressed the hell out of me. As in, it’s heavy for me, too. There are some parts I can’t reread. The ‘r’ word is a huge personal trigger. Just typing it out is horribly terrifying for me.

First thing first. Jungkook’s ‘weird kinks’. I—didn’t think of them as weird at all, to be honest. He was sexual, yes, but a lot of people are, from a very young age. I had a lot of friends who already knew very sexual things since 13. Exposure to internet.

I had a lot of friends who already had sex by 16, too. I understand that this is a cultural thing (or maybe not), but kids do have sex. It’s something adults don’t want to think about and what kids won’t want to say to adults, but it is the truth, folks.

Nobody really ‘made’ Jungkook sexual. He had his own kinks (which I’m sure you all have), and he had a chance to explore them with Namjoon, who was both willing and enthusiastic. Well, to an extent. I projected myself in Namjoon. My favourite thing to do.

Does this have any psychological connotation in Jungkook? Go wild with that, but personally, I never thought of it that way. He wasn’t attracted to his dad. Though, it might be fair to take into consideration that his dad looked a lot like Namjoon.

I think parts of the appa kink are what Jungkook said in the last chapter. Grief makes you do insane stuff. More than an attraction to one’s father, for Jungkook is more of the sudden and hurried desire to have a family.

Because he thought that the one he had was breaking apart fast from their dad’s passing.

Korean couples call their spouses -appa and -eomma. When they already have children. Jungkook wanted children, wanted the same family their parents had. He already called Namjoon yeobo.

Shout out to @obroskii for fulfilling my yeobo kink with their namkook fic, I’m dropping the link below:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616116 

[c. 7]

Okay. Letters.

In collective mourning, Jungkook respected his distance with Namjoon. He knew what a mess the sweater sex he had with Namjoon was and he needed time to figure it out himself, too.

I’d like to think that the more time they spent together, through the years, Jungkook kept falling for Namjoon more and more. He wasn’t ready to let go of Namjoon when Namjoon had to leave for the military.

He was a chaos of emotions and all he felt when Namjoon had sex with him in that attic was love love love.

Admittedly, he was hurt when Namjoon left him without a word, but he understood the gravity of their situation.

He did all the things their mom told Namjoon in c. 9.

He read Namjoon’s letters again and again, wrote to Namjoon every week, wore Namjoon’s clothes to the point that they didn’t even smell like Namjoon anymore, slept in Namjoon’s bed because he wanted to be where Namjoon had been.

He read books Namjoon read because he wanted to felt what Namjoon felt when reading them.

Despite all the longing, Jungkook was still hurt by Namjoon’s letters. He wanted more, naturally. Kept wishing for the next letter to have more than just that repetitive sentence.

But perseveringly, he was thankful for the letters. Because they meant that Namjoon still cared enough to write, and still thought of Jungkook even if just for a moment once a month.

And he loved Namjoon’s handwriting.

He re-read all the letters because Namjoon’s handwriting was the only part of Namjoon he could have during that time.

When Namjoon came back for his military break in August, I had this idea in my mind. How nervous it made Jungkook, yet at the same time how eager.

He spent half an hour just to pick out his clothes he thought Namjoon would like on him. He did his hair and put on some tinted lip balm because maybe Namjoon would like that, too.

Maybe when Namjoon saw him again for the first time in a long while, he’d realize how much he’d miss Jungkook. Maybe the lip balm would make Namjoon want to kiss him, until they were both breathless again, the way Namjoon always kissed him, the way Jungkook missed.

And if Namjoon wanted to have sex right then, Jungkook would love that, too. He’d come late to his graduation party, he’d skip it entirely, it didn’t matter.

But we all know how Namjoon reacted.

(I pictured Jungkook’s outfit to be from that one vlive in Namjoon’s studio.)

Moving on, the time Namjoon sent Jungkook that picture was the happiest he’d been in years. He kept it under his pillow like Namjoon did, and he still has it in his wallet until the present day.

The whole event was the happiest Jungkook had been since his draft, with Yoongi saying that Namjoon wanted to hear Jungkook sing Only Then.

[c. 8-9]

Don’t want to take all of your time with this thread, deep apologies.

Chapter 8-9 was a lot self explanatory. Jungkook’s hesitance with coming clean with their family, his anger with Seokjin, his readiness to drop everything for Namjoon.

How he’s changed, too, their relationship becoming more equal as he was growing out of his insecure mindset.

I think I’ve said everything I want with this.

Whew.

[BONUS because I love Jin]

Jin is my favourite character in this fic. I have to admit the ending stretched because Jin upped the wordcount at least a good 20k. I wondered if anybody noticed but I had wanted to put the substance abuse thing from the beginning.

In chp 2 Jungkook mentioned Jin dousing his salmon fillet with white wine. Jin made a lot of mussels, too, (𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘦𝘴, literally my favourite Belgian food lol, have it with 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 guys, heavy recommend) which is most of the time steamed with white wine.

A cup is usually enough for a two-people portion, but it’s always an option to add more.

Jin added a lot more.

How this substance abuse relates to his crush on his dad, though, is completely up to you to interpret.

What was in my mind was that Jungkook found out about it the earliest, Namjoon always had an inkling but he kept on pushing it aside, while their parents were completely in the dark.

His dad didn’t do anything to Jin. This one's entirely one-sided and never acted upon.

I think Jin developed a romantic attachment because he was the only one between the siblings who still remembered his old father, and not having a father figure, too.

More than just a father figure, Namjoon’s dad was the only person who cared about him, paid attention to him for the first time. Their mom was extremely busy before her remarriage and she kept getting into fights with her ex-husband.

She didn’t have time for Jin, really, and it’s hard to blame her.

Jin was also the oldest child. After the remarriage, their dad paid more attention to Namjoon and especially Jungkook, who was a literal baby and needed it more.

Jin was okay with this, he was a fairly independent kid with no problems, but he couldn’t push away the jealousy. His dad took care of him the most back then, he missed that feeling.

Lmao the lyrics in La vie en rose. I had fun with that. Jin sang:

Alors je sens en moi, mon cœur qui bat
(𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦, 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘴)
Des ennuis, des chagrins, s’effacent
(𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘢𝘥𝘦)
Heureux, heureux à en mourir
(𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘦)

The “Don’t tell mom” thing is also pretty open for interpretation. In my head it’s always just because he actually kind of wanted his dad to know about his problems, wanted his dad to pay attention to him again, take care of him again.

He would rather die for his mom to know, though. He loved her. He didn’t want her to know that he was a mess, that he wasn’t the independent kid they thought he was. Worst of all, that he was in love with her husband.

Extra dose of pain: I wonder if anybody picked up the fact that when their father died (his death isn’t a terribly huge spoiler, to be frank, it’s already hinted from c. 1), Jin was in his last month of military conscription.

He hadn’t seen his dad in a long time, they were going to spend Seollal together in early February. Their dad died in early January.

Then his family came for the funeral and they were all broken. Jin had to put on his ‘everything’s fine’ child persona again.

His biggest pillar of support, Yoongi, wasn’t there for him then because Yoongi was in the military, too. Hobi was the only person he could let himself go in front of. During the funeral, Namjoon saw Seokjin cry to Hoseok’s shoulder.

My point is, please feel the pain Jin felt. I’m begging you. Namkook who? This fic is about Kim Seokjin.

[One more, I’m sorry just one more: Yoonjin/Sope]

Why did I make it endgame sope? I honestly don’t know. It was a spur in the moment decision, I thought it would be fun. In c. 5, they were kind of implied to be attracted to each other. Sorry for yoonjin-baiting you guys.

Did I ever yoonjin to be a couple? No. Some friends are just friends. This doesn’t mean I don’t love romantic yoonjin in other fics! Go romantic yoonjin! You want yoon2seok with this fic? It’s your imagination, go nuts.

But really. I don’t see a lot of friend-soulmate headcanons in this fandom. Especially with vmin (also not a couple in this fic.) I love romantic vmin, too, but I 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 non-romantic vmin.

Sometimes you want a best friend other than your romantic partner.

Having a mutually cherishing friend in the soulmate-level is way more difficult than having a long-term romantic partner.

If you have a friend-soulmate, let me tell you that you are one lucky winner in this game of life.

So, um. I guess that’s it. Thank you so much for reading and loving thicker than water! It’s an old, old WIP of mine and finishing it finally was incredibly fulfilling. I hope the fic could be something you can remember!