Autobiography thread (mostly true except for names, places, and facts changed for whimsy purposes):

@donmexlar was born in Beirut, Lebanon to a French waiter and a Carthaginian Nationalist in 1982 (or 2128 P.S.) by his mother’s reckoning.

(Also please imagine this in Century Schoolbook font, okay?)

Well anyway, I, @donmexlar, was born on a Wednesday.

Excuse me, I have to turn off the pressure cooker.

Anyway, his mother said he was born in 2128 P.S. P.S. means “Post Salis” or “After the Salt.” His mother measured years from what we call 146 BCE, the Romans destroyed the City of Carthage.

He grew up in the humid, snowy woods of Middletown, New Jersey.

The other children were misbehaved and not as good at him at geography or Sim City. He was not well-liked.

From an early age, @donmexlar learned to transform into duck-billed dinosaurs, a dog, or Inspector Gadget. He spoke in a dog's voice.

@donmexlar led reconnoiters into the marshes behind the house. He convinced neighborhood children to stand sentry for hours in the marshes, on the lookout for a rogue late-cold war Roman army faction.

He held elections and planned future military campaigns with various groups of boys.

Later, girls became involved.

End of Chapter 1.

Chapter 2 in Which @donmexlar finds Jesus.

@donmexlar found Jesus because a large preacher named after a large woodland animal told all of the children that it was important, essential even, to open the door to Jesus in your heart. If you were interested in Jesus, please come see him after the session.

@donmexlar, eager to take care of this essential business, approached the woodland preacher and got instructions to accept Jesus. @donmexlar was 8 years old. Most of this period was spent staring at the glossy pages in the middle of the bible that showed Jesus dying and weeping.

Later, @donmexlar was instructed to bring Jesus into his sister’s heart. He was told to do as follows: cut out a circle of construction paper. Tell your sister to stand on the construction paper. Then, tell her to tell the Lord that . . .

. . . “everyone on this construction paper accepts Jesus into their heart.” @donmexlar at that moment noticed a fly land on the construction paper, and knew that both his sister and the fly had therefore accepted Jesus. Because an 8-year old believes things in this dumb fashion.

Chapter 3 in Which @donmexlar Builds a Fort

At a certain point, @donmexlar’s foster parents decided he had become soft. (Sadly the Carthaginian separatist movement suffered serious setbacks in the mid-90s and the waitstaff laid off all the waiters so @donmexlar had to find a new home in Houston, Texas.)

(Just let me add that the sun right now is incredibly beautiful and everyone here is curled up, kind of like a dog or a snake (everyone here is just me)).

The Texans enrolled him in a woodland leadership seminar to learn to be a White Stag man. But no, he did not grow antlers as he hoped. He learned skills such as Knowing &Using the Resources of the Group, Understanding the Needs &Characteristics of the Grp, & Effective Teaching

There were a lot of slogans. For example, "For Teaching to Be Effective, Learning Must Take Place." That was one of the slogans. Also the different leadership styles: Tom the Teller, Del the Delegator (this is the best one to be, they said), Pete the Persuader.

Anyway, at this point @donmexlar became a radical individualist and began spouting "theories." He founded a series of newsletters called things like “The Hilarious Times” and “Parallax.” Detentions resulted.

After an impossibly low score on the Physics AP exam, @donmexlar realized something had to change and it was then that he discovered his gift for song.

Chapter 4 in which @donmexlar writes a concept album about a little rabbit sent into space. The rabbit was all by himself in a long cylindrical cannister in space where they did experiments on him. When he returned he was a celebrated celebrity but he did not want attention and..

was mad that they had dropped drops in his eyes without their permission so he told them he "Just Wanted To Be Left Alone" quoting the hit 1984 Rockwell Song "Somebody's Watching Me"; here is that song:
(pls listen for this part of the story)

Well, the scientists in their factories thought he was ungrateful and so they riled up the mob and, long story short, the rabbit did not do too well. Also, Rockwell was actually Berry Gordy's son and so was able to get Michael Jackson to sing backup on the chorus in this song

The song otherwise kind of has the feeling of the Monster Mash. In any event, this concept album was called "Flying Thru Space" and had a sequel also called "Flying Thru Space."

Chapter 5: Terror At The Swamp or Was it a Hog or a Gator?

Chapter 6: Founding a New Capital City. In the year 2150 P.S., @donmexlar fled the ancient capital and founded a new capital at Houston, which he renamed Mexlarinople. Situated at the crossroads of trade and cultures, but also a key access point for his legions...

...the swampy environs proved fortuitous. His skin eventually inured itself to the humid air and he was known to take long walks, always following the same path each day using his noise- and optimism-canceling headphones. In short, he became depressed.

He threw himself into his work and developed a deep love and facility for identifying commercial aviation craft by the shapes of their noses (Boeings look angry Airbuses look earnest).

His reputation is forever tarnished by the time he sprayed that horrible spray outside to kill mosquitoes before people came over that one time.

Here's How I Arrange My Life (Chapter 6)

I think about how I want to spend the hours of my days. What activities do I want to do? Coffee in the mornings? Have time for a crossword puzzle? Play guitar sometimes. Go on hikes and walks. Talk to a loved one each day? Occasionally have some friends over or meet up in a park?