What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted

What’s the loudest pet you can get?

A trumpet

What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.

As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.