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Some personal news: I staffed on “Ellen’s Game of Games.” The writers’ room is in one of her oceanside Montecito villas. Not sure which one. Waiting for her assistant to confirm. Excited!
Just got an email from the Game of Games writers' assistant: "Ellen wants to make sure you've read Donald Rumsfeld's memoir and seen all eight 'Saw' movies before you start in the room." Gotta do my homework.
Had a call with one of the producers before I start on Monday. He said, “Ellen loves her fans, and this show gives her a unique opportunity to try and kill them.”
Producer also said, “If you EVER mention the season she was a judge on ‘American Idol,’ Ellen will use you as a test dummy for the torture devices we use on the show.”
A lot of you asking how I got this gig.
My packet was one sentence: "When contestants answer incorrectly, instead of having them fall three stories through a trap door, Ellen should make them drop six stories."
My packet was one sentence: "When contestants answer incorrectly, instead of having them fall three stories through a trap door, Ellen should make them drop six stories."
Day 1: Running late to the room. Waze didn’t calculate that the driveway to Portia and Ellen’s villa is 45 miles long.
Day 2: Met the "Ellen's Game of Games" writing staff. The room's a mix of old "Family Double Dare" writers and Guantanamo Bay prison guards.
(fyi this is our writers room. One of Ellen’s butlers said, “She calls this house ‘The Dump.’”)
Day 3: We hit a wall so the showrunner (who used to manage a Dave & Buster’s) said, “Dance break!” And the writers had to dance to “Happy” by Pharrell for 45 minutes.
Day 4: I casually asked, "Does Ellen ever stop by the room?" A stunned silence fell over the writers, one of whom crossed himself and said, "Never speak her name."
Day 5: Went to the break room to get a Spindrift. I opened the fridge door and Justin Bieber jumped out and screamed, "Welcome to Ellen's world, bitch!" I am en route to the hospital for cardiac arrest.
Day 6: Ellen stopped by the room to introduce herself. I said, "Everyone's scared of you, but you seem so nice." Ellen smiled then whispered in my ear, "I know where your family lives."
Day 7: Ellen just told the writers, "Bloomberg's clearly the most relatable candidate. He and I own very similar mega yachts."
Day 8: Ellen told the room, "Write material that'll crack up your friends. Whenever I write jokes I ask myself, 'What'll make Jeff Bezos and George W. Bush laugh?'"
Day 9: Ellen popped her head in the room and said, "Can someone write a game with Blake Shelton trivia questions, and if the contestant gets them wrong I shoot them with a gun that uses Chicken McNuggets instead of bullets? Something like that."
Day 10: Showed up to work. The room was empty. A butler said, "Ellen and Portia just flipped this house for $68 million. You're meeting at another one of their 43 villas today." Gotta run!
Day 11: Ellen told the writers, “Y’know, I’m on a 5-person secret committee that selects the president. It’s Jay Z, Jeff Bezos, Dick Cheney, Lorne Michaels and me.”
Day 12: All-new "Ellen's Game of Games" tonight on NBC!
I wrote the game where if contestants get a question about Maroon 5 wrong, Ellen launches them into a vat of Dr. Pepper. Tune in!
I wrote the game where if contestants get a question about Maroon 5 wrong, Ellen launches them into a vat of Dr. Pepper. Tune in!
Day 36: Ellen locked the writers locked in her basement. We're still working on "Ellen's Game of Games." She gives us food if she likes what we write. Today she gave me a slice of cheese for writing a trivia question about Dax Shepard.
Day 37: Just got five Cheerios from Ellen for writing a game where contestants are pushed off a building if they can't spell "Sofia Vergara."
Day 38: Ellen visited the writers in her basement and said, "After I release you, you'll have such a good anecdote for one of those 'share your best Ellen horror story' Twitter threads."
Day 39: Every time Ellen enters the writers' room, we have to stand up and sing all of "Uptown Funk."
Day 40: Ellen just gave me an Eggo waffle for writing a game where contestants have to do the “Single Ladies” dance or get electrocuted.
Day 44: Ellen told the room, "When you're writing jokes for me, remember that my demographic is adults who eat Lunchables."
Day 45: I wrote a game where contestants have to put their hand on hot iron while naming characters from "The Office." Ellen told me, "I love it. You get three Nilla wafers."
Day 46: Ellen just popped her head in the writers’ room and said, “Don’t stop writing, not even for an earthquake!”
Day 57: In the "Game of Games" writers room today, Ellen said, "Do y'all ever wake up in the middle of the night, sit up in bed in a cold sweat and ask yourself, How does David Blaine do it?"
Day 58: I pitched a game where the contestant has to name 10 Taylor Swift songs after getting hit by a car. Ellen smiled and said, "You're getting a raise."
Day 68: "I'm not sure why people don't like me," Ellen mused to her writers as we worked 72 consecutive hours without sleep in a dungeon.
Day 128: I've been writing jokes in Ellen's basement for 4+ months. She just walked down here with a blow torch and said, "Alright, which one of you clowns talked to Buzzfeed?"
Day 138: WarnerMedia asked if they could use this thread as evidence. I said, "Do whatever, just help me escape from her villa." https://twitter.com/Variety/status/1287857230562369544
Day 144: Ellen just told us, “Keep writing, losers. ‘Ellen’s Game of Games’ isn’t going anywhere.”
So I pitched her a game where contestants get buried alive if they can’t name 3 Bradley Cooper movies. “I love it,” she said.
So I pitched her a game where contestants get buried alive if they can’t name 3 Bradley Cooper movies. “I love it,” she said.
Day 147: We're still going strong here at "Ellen's Game of Games." I just wrote a game where you have to say five nice things about Jay Leno or get a bowling ball dropped on your head.
