Home exchange update: Pool looks entirely normal and has appropriate Ph (but pump not due to be fixed until Tuesday ); issue with pool furniture appears to be cats leaving muddy footprints on the mattresses overnight; toaster bought; gas in second bathroom changed 1/?

Not a lot I can do about the minimalist decor, the poor build quality, the traffic, or the fact they can't find anything they like to do within 25 minutes of the house. Also just realised Galungan is about to hit and it sounds like they ignored my advice to hire a driver. 2/?

Anyway, going to do some work then construct a diplomatic message with recommendations for good eats within walking distance (they have a list of recommended restaurants, but I don't think I specified ones within walking distance), and suggest they take the mats in at night. 3/?

And.... She's claiming I said I'm 5 minutes from Batu Bolong by car (which of course I didn't), that there are no restaurants in walking distance (I've sent her Google Maps), and apparently a cupboard is broken? 4/?

Extending maximum respect to all my hospo industry friends. JFC 5/?

The broken cupboard ("store") turns out to be a set of blinds they couldn't close, which the cleaner has now closed.

But, sadly, the hot water issue looks like a new boiler. Yay.

Devastated to hear from the helper that they are contemplating moving on as it's hard to find taxis (I recommended hiring a driver months ago).

Water heater was fixed this am. Pool guy is installing the mended pool machine. Helper has turned the outside cushions on their side to stop the cats walking on them. Going to try and set up a call to run through whatever other issues they have once it's up and running.

Stony silence, which I'm hoping means nothing new has broken and/or the person at the HomeExchange site I looped into help is bearing the brunt of whatever insanity comes next.

And... They're back! Impossible to sleep with garden light (told them where the switch is); front bedroom window won't open (think this may be like the broken blind and invented); no hot water in kitchen (true, but first guests ever to remark on this). And...

The pool filtration system is broken, they say?! This is the video I was sent after the pump was mended (on a rainy, overcast day).

Have emailed the home exchange support people to see if there's anyway I can refund these people their unused guest points so they can take advantage of the many great hotel deals in Corona-era Bali.

Who DAFUQ spends five nights unable to sleep because of a garden light without either switching it off, asking the host how to switch it off, or asking the helper how to switch it off?

Anyway, that's another morning completely spoiled. Was going to toddle off for a nice serene brekky at Cafe Central. Still going to go exploring, but saving Cafe Central for another morn.

On the plus side, missed video call from a French number. Turned out to be our next set of French guests. We've been chatting and they seem absolutely solid.

Update on the insanity: They want to know what sanitary products we use in the pool (I have NFI). And she can't use any of the other windows in the room with the allegedly unopenable window because she is not 2 metres tall. Have suggested a chair.

Have also sent instructions for opening the window, since it seems odd that both halves of a two-part window should be broken and it's the same room where the blinds allegedly didn't work (they didn't know to turn the handle to close the slats).

Am absolutely not going to disturb the pool guy's Galungan with some nonsense about chemicals.

Update: Silence is golden. (So far!) It's 1pm Bali time, I've had a full night's sleep, and still no news as to why they think the pool filtration system is broken. (Strongly suspect the window may also not have been broken "unopenable" but "I can't find the catch" unopenable.)

Or maybe it was saying that I've looped in the Home Exchange support team to see if I can offer them a refund on some points so that they can find somewhere more suitable? And offering suggestions as to where that might be?

Update from the helper. In news that very much does not amaze me, the back window was not broken, they just couldn't work the catch.

Which is very bizarre. a) These are not complicated windows and b) Who the fuck goes straight to DefCon 10 with "the window is broken" when they can't open a window? (Particularly when they've previously had a massive hissy fit about the blind being broken when it wasn't.)

Pool looks absolutely fine and dandy and apparently they have no more outstanding complaints. They leave tomorrow, cannot wait.

Happily bitching with the helper in Indonesian.

Apparently, they're still scared to swim in the pool because they think it's not safe. This is the pool early this morning. It's been cleaned, pH tested, the pump is working. These people are just gila.

What do they think they're going to catch? Typhoid? Veruccas? Skin conditions? Corona?

They move out today, but they're still complaining. Pool pump needs to be run for several days after a stoppage before it's safe. Guy didn't come to put chemicals in until today. The garden light is like a searchlight (already told them how to switch it off and asked the helper..

.. to swap out the bulb). Oh, and we need blackout curtains! And there's a light that flickers! And the window is really unusual and old and I should provide instructions for it. FFS!!!! Kudos to all my friends in hospitality. I do not know HOW you stand it for a minute.

Anyway, next lot's main query so far - they arrive later - has been where to hire scooters and they seem pretty solid.

I would think if blackout curtains were a requirement for me to sleep, I would look at the photos and/or ask directly if blackout curtains were available.

Update: They have left. Thank Christ. Gonna draft a review.

Lovely message from new set of guests: kids are in the pool and love it, the house is lovely, and they think they're going to have a great week. So fucking relieved.

Also thanks for the beers and young coconuts, so nice manners, too.

They think the house is perfect, which, compared to the lengthy message I received from the last lot, with a detailed critique of my taste in decor, is just so nice.

Update: Guests from hell have contacted the home exchange place complaining that the pool was dirty, there was no hot water, there were mice in the kitchen (?!), the gate was broken (?!), and.... "no blackout curtains".

Update: Home Exchange have got back to me, saying: It appears there was some exaggeration and they're sorry I had to go through this. I now eagerly await the mutually assured destruction that is the review.

And the reviews are out... Sharing hers as a screenshot as it's the perfect contrast to the review above, and mine as a link because it's basically an essay.

Oops, and here's the link to mine (currently top of her profile): https://www.homeexchange.com/user/view/658762

Here we go....

And hers in translation