I wish Mormons could watch The Book of Mormon musical, because hoooooooly crap, if you've ever been a missionary, it's 98% accurate.

Me: "Hey, you stop drinking coffee?"
Dude: "Yeah, but you shouldn't come here any more since people are trying to murder me over drug money."

Mission Companion: "You see that other church?"
Me: "Yup."
AM: "Started by a former missionary."
Me: "Oh."

Mission Companion: "Who was your first kiss?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Mission Companion: "Was it a guy?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "I repented."

Lady: "Why should I stop drinking coffee?"
Mission Companion: "It'll tan your stomach from the heat."
Me:
Me:
Me: "What"

Me: With the most miserable missionary I'd ever met.
Also Me: "Hey, you can't go in the other room without me. Rules."

Me: Talks in my sleep.
Mission Companion: "You were possessed last night."

Missionary: "I'm so glad I was born in the church."
Also Missionary: "You know that black people were cursed for being less faithful in the war in heaven?"

Druggie: "Uh, sure, I'll listen."
Druggie: Goes to church.
Druggie: Goes through several discussions.
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie: "I have a knife."
Us: Gives our money.

Me: Passive aggressively cleans the house of some missionaries because I'm fed up with their "holier than thou" crap and how much they like themselves.

Also Me: Passive aggressively cleans the house of other missionaries because they suck.

Me: Prays in Portuguese.
Mission Companion: "You just prayed for the family to enjoy masturbating each other."

Church leader: "Say 'Sou um veado.'"
Me: "No."
Leader: "Come on, say it!"
Me: "Ugh... 'Sou um veado.'"
Leader: "Hah! You said you're a fag!"

Me: Baptizes a girl.
Me: Moves to a different city.
Me:
Me:
Me: Receives letter.
Letter: "I love you."
Me:
Me:
Me: "You're 14."

Me at home: Cries.
Me on the streets: "The church is the only way to true happiness!"

Me: "We're here to help the world!"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Helps an old lady harvest peanuts.
Me: Gets free dinner.
Me: Asks for seconds.

Missionary: Baptizes a woman.
Missionary: "Oh no, she started drinking coffee again."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "She's got cancer."
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary: "Well, we gotta get her to stop drinking coffee now, then!"

Church member: "Come to my class and teach the students. I teach ninjas."
Me: Goes to the ninja class.
Ninjas: All under 18.
Me: Baptizes all the ninjas.
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "I'm not sure that was ethical."

Person on the street: "Joseph Smith was a terrible person!"
Me: "Wow, you know nothing."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "Oh."

Seriously, listening to The Book of Mormon musical is therapeutic. Don't forget, if you see a missionary, their experience is designed less for you, more to make them a church member for life. It's the worst time in their lives no matter how much they smile.

Over time, many convince themselves it's the best time in their lives - that's really the only way to deal with all the rejection, frustration, and loneliness. It's an abusive experience, and it's meant to be that way.

Don't add to that abuse.

The mission destroyed me. I couldn't kneel to pray at night without falling asleep, I was so tired - even on our day off, we still worked from 4-9PM. I couldn't feel happiness.

And by the end, I asked to stay for another 6 weeks. I was convinced it was the best time of my life.

Anyway, the musical gives me a chance to laugh about the dumb stuff that happened to most missionaries. Making a traumatic experience feel stupid, honestly, helps.

I do want to say that I'm serious when I call it a cult. It is. I did the handshakes. I wore the robes. I promised my entire life and all possessions to the church. You don't know you're in a cult until you're out; then, all the signs feel so obvious.