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I wish Mormons could watch The Book of Mormon musical, because hoooooooly crap, if you& #39;ve ever been a missionary, it& #39;s 98% accurate.
Me: "Hey, you stop drinking coffee?"
Dude: "Yeah, but you shouldn& #39;t come here any more since people are trying to murder me over drug money."
Dude: "Yeah, but you shouldn& #39;t come here any more since people are trying to murder me over drug money."
Mission Companion: "You see that other church?"
Me: "Yup."
AM: "Started by a former missionary."
Me: "Oh."
Me: "Yup."
AM: "Started by a former missionary."
Me: "Oh."
Mission Companion: "Who was your first kiss?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Mission Companion: "Was it a guy?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "I repented."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Mission Companion: "Was it a guy?"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "I repented."
Lady: "Why should I stop drinking coffee?"
Mission Companion: "It& #39;ll tan your stomach from the heat."
Me:
Me:
Me: "What"
Mission Companion: "It& #39;ll tan your stomach from the heat."
Me:
Me:
Me: "What"
Me: With the most miserable missionary I& #39;d ever met.
Also Me: "Hey, you can& #39;t go in the other room without me. Rules."
Also Me: "Hey, you can& #39;t go in the other room without me. Rules."
Me: Talks in my sleep.
Mission Companion: "You were possessed last night."
Mission Companion: "You were possessed last night."
Missionary: "I& #39;m so glad I was born in the church."
Also Missionary: "You know that black people were cursed for being less faithful in the war in heaven?"
Also Missionary: "You know that black people were cursed for being less faithful in the war in heaven?"
Druggie: "Uh, sure, I& #39;ll listen."
Druggie: Goes to church.
Druggie: Goes through several discussions.
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie: "I have a knife."
Us: Gives our money.
Druggie: Goes to church.
Druggie: Goes through several discussions.
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie:
Druggie: "I have a knife."
Us: Gives our money.
Me: Passive aggressively cleans the house of some missionaries because I& #39;m fed up with their "holier than thou" crap and how much they like themselves.
Also Me: Passive aggressively cleans the house of other missionaries because they suck.
Also Me: Passive aggressively cleans the house of other missionaries because they suck.
Me: Prays in Portuguese.
Mission Companion: "You just prayed for the family to enjoy masturbating each other."
Mission Companion: "You just prayed for the family to enjoy masturbating each other."
Church leader: "Say & #39;Sou um veado.& #39;"
Me: "No."
Leader: "Come on, say it!"
Me: "Ugh... & #39;Sou um veado.& #39;"
Leader: "Hah! You said you& #39;re a fag!"
Me: "No."
Leader: "Come on, say it!"
Me: "Ugh... & #39;Sou um veado.& #39;"
Leader: "Hah! You said you& #39;re a fag!"
Me: Baptizes a girl.
Me: Moves to a different city.
Me:
Me:
Me: Receives letter.
Letter: "I love you."
Me:
Me:
Me: "You& #39;re 14."
Me: Moves to a different city.
Me:
Me:
Me: Receives letter.
Letter: "I love you."
Me:
Me:
Me: "You& #39;re 14."
Me at home: Cries.
Me on the streets: "The church is the only way to true happiness!"
Me on the streets: "The church is the only way to true happiness!"
Me: "We& #39;re here to help the world!"
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Helps an old lady harvest peanuts.
Me: Gets free dinner.
Me: Asks for seconds.
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Helps an old lady harvest peanuts.
Me: Gets free dinner.
Me: Asks for seconds.
Missionary: Baptizes a woman.
Missionary: "Oh no, she started drinking coffee again."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "She& #39;s got cancer."
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary: "Well, we gotta get her to stop drinking coffee now, then!"
Missionary: "Oh no, she started drinking coffee again."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: "She& #39;s got cancer."
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary:
Missionary: "Well, we gotta get her to stop drinking coffee now, then!"
Church member: "Come to my class and teach the students. I teach ninjas."
Me: Goes to the ninja class.
Ninjas: All under 18.
Me: Baptizes all the ninjas.
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "I& #39;m not sure that was ethical."
Me: Goes to the ninja class.
Ninjas: All under 18.
Me: Baptizes all the ninjas.
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "I& #39;m not sure that was ethical."
Person on the street: "Joseph Smith was a terrible person!"
Me: "Wow, you know nothing."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "Oh."
Me: "Wow, you know nothing."
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me (years later): "Oh."
Seriously, listening to The Book of Mormon musical is therapeutic. Don& #39;t forget, if you see a missionary, their experience is designed less for you, more to make them a church member for life. It& #39;s the worst time in their lives no matter how much they smile.
Over time, many convince themselves it& #39;s the best time in their lives - that& #39;s really the only way to deal with all the rejection, frustration, and loneliness. It& #39;s an abusive experience, and it& #39;s meant to be that way.
Don& #39;t add to that abuse.
Don& #39;t add to that abuse.
The mission destroyed me. I couldn& #39;t kneel to pray at night without falling asleep, I was so tired - even on our day off, we still worked from 4-9PM. I couldn& #39;t feel happiness.
And by the end, I asked to stay for another 6 weeks. I was convinced it was the best time of my life.
And by the end, I asked to stay for another 6 weeks. I was convinced it was the best time of my life.
Anyway, the musical gives me a chance to laugh about the dumb stuff that happened to most missionaries. Making a traumatic experience feel stupid, honestly, helps.
