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I was in my 7th favourite cafe today. There were two old women at the next table.
One of them had just come back from the toilet and had a strip of loo roll sticking out the back of her lycra lounging trousers.
One of them had just come back from the toilet and had a strip of loo roll sticking out the back of her lycra lounging trousers.
She sat down with her back to me and her eagle eyed friend finally spotted it, after about 2 minutes of me doing my best ‘have you seen what’s sticking out the back of your friend’s trousers’ face.
She came around the table and pulled on the paper but it didn’t come out as I imagine she thought it would, as just a short strip of rogue toilet paper.
It just kept coming. She was like The Great Soprendo pulling flags out of a hat.
It just kept coming. She was like The Great Soprendo pulling flags out of a hat.
The commotion and the ever more ridiculous amount of loo roll pilling up on the floor attracted the attention of the old woman behind the counter and she was over like a shot.
“What’s going on?” She demanded. I forgot about her lazy eye and I thought she was asking me.
“What’s going on?” She demanded. I forgot about her lazy eye and I thought she was asking me.
“I think she’s got one of your loo rolls stuck down her trousers,” I offered.
She rotated her head a few more degrees and I was in no doubt she was now addressing me. She didn’t actually say anything, but the look clearly said “Shut it, you. This is women’s trouble.”
She rotated her head a few more degrees and I was in no doubt she was now addressing me. She didn’t actually say anything, but the look clearly said “Shut it, you. This is women’s trouble.”
It was then I decided I was having nothing more to do with it.
By this time the old woman wearing the loo roll had been bent over the table by her friend, who was now holding the back of her very flexible trousers out and was rummaging inside trying to get the loo roll out.
By this time the old woman wearing the loo roll had been bent over the table by her friend, who was now holding the back of her very flexible trousers out and was rummaging inside trying to get the loo roll out.
The old woman from behind the counter now had her hand inside the trousers as well and I heard her say, “I think it’s gone down her trouser leg. We might need to take them off.”
I nearly choked on my toasted teacake.
Now, I know I said I wouldn’t get involved.
But I did.
I nearly choked on my toasted teacake.
Now, I know I said I wouldn’t get involved.
But I did.
“Why don’t you just cut the loo roll and tuck the end back in?” I suggested.
You’d think I’d suggested we throw her out on the street like a Christmas puppy.
“Don’t be ridiculous. She can’t walk home with a toilet roll stuck down her leg.” Said the leader of the recovery team.
You’d think I’d suggested we throw her out on the street like a Christmas puppy.
“Don’t be ridiculous. She can’t walk home with a toilet roll stuck down her leg.” Said the leader of the recovery team.
I was just about to say, “Oh of course. That wouldn’t be at all dignified, unlike having you two rummaging in her drawers in a busy café.”
But then I realized it wasn’t busy. It was just them and me. So I said nothing.
But then I realized it wasn’t busy. It was just them and me. So I said nothing.
Suddenly the loo roll released its grip of the old woman’s leg and flew out like a dove at a memorial event.
The two women just sat down and poured themselves another cup of tea. The old woman gathered up the loo roll and walked back behind the counter and dropped it in the bin.
The two women just sat down and poured themselves another cup of tea. The old woman gathered up the loo roll and walked back behind the counter and dropped it in the bin.
Just then a new customer came in and sat down to read the menu, totally unaware that moments ago things weren’t quite this normal.
I finished my teacake and got up to leave. No acknowledgement from any of the participants.
Like it was all a dream.
Anyway. Thanks for reading
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I finished my teacake and got up to leave. No acknowledgement from any of the participants.
Like it was all a dream.
Anyway. Thanks for reading
