"I'm not gonna lie to you. I got kicked in the nuts tonight by a donkey -- a horse. But I've taken a shot or two before. They worked my sack like a speed bag in '88, man. I'll come back. You ever seen a bull terrier hunting a chicken? Pull her string and let her rip" - Joe Biden

"The steak is still cooking, man -- it's only been two cockeyed primaries, ah, states. You should have seen how they roasted my boss's ass, Barack, in '08. Grilled him like a turkey. You can put a harness on a dog and take it to the rodeo but that don't mean it's gonna dance"

"You take one of these Cuban Puerto Rican guys. Closers. He spends 10 innings on the bench but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t got a knuckleball! Just wait until Seth Carolina. They'll be pushing ballots in by the wheelbarrow, Buster. It doesn’t take an astronaut to fly to the moon."

"When I was nine, they brought this doctor in, oh he was a Frankenstein. He used a hand-crank drill to make a burr hole in my skull. The air whistled out like a cat slipping a noose -- sounded just like the Andy Griffith theme song. You're going to be a heartbreaker, aren't you?"

"Come on over here and give Uncle Joe a kiss, you little worm. You snake. Yeah I took a whooping. I've taken a few. Nothing wrong with charging three dollars for a five dollar milkshake. Right there, honey, we're going to show them how to dance on soupnuts Tuesday." - Joe Biden

"Now they're saying 'Drop out, Joe, drop out!' Are you kidding me, man, you've gotta be pulling my arm. My leg. My arm. Bloomer's a dog, a wolf in the hen house and he sees that pretty little chicken and he's hungry. Well I got news, Jack, I'm hungry, too. I'm starving, buddy!"

"Listen, this could all go south for me, sideways and up my keister. The money men are packing up their bindles like spooked donkeys; you think I haven't seen that? You think I didn't have to wet a whistle or two to get it done in '72? I can show a little skin, honey" - Joe Biden

"You think I haven't been smacked around a little bit, chief? I was rolling in the mud like a Carolina swine while the rest of these loafing lemmings were picking their bum lint. And I'm sick of hearing about your dreams. I have dreams, too! I have nightmares" - Joe Biden

"I'll admit the numbers aren't nearly as pretty as you, ya little heartbreaker. Boy, I'm a softie for a necklace like that. Numbers don't win elections, man! People do! I pounded the pavement in '08 and we got it done. I'm like a stuck pig right now but I've got a lot of blood"

"What am I gonna do when all of this is over? Hell, I'm gonna be in the big, the White House, man! I'm gonna be sitting across the table from Yasser Arafat, uh, Benjamin Netanyahu, sort this whole thing out! If you want to win a round of blackjack you've gotta take a couple hits"

"Come on honey, I don't wanna talk about that. You're too pretty to ask a question like that. Take that crap to Twitter, MySpace, go muck around in the junk pit with those elves, trolls -- these guys who need deodorant. Let's talk about Seth Carolina. I'm a war horse down there"

"I've gone bust at the craps table once or twice. I've lost a game or two of dice. You just roll again, man! There's nothing Las Vegas loves more than a fixed fight. But I got news for those Russian tigers, those bears. You're not helping me, Drago!" - Joe Biden

"I'm 77 years young, man! I can change with the times. Some cat gets locked away for a couple grams of grass -- marinara -- sure we should let him out. It doesn't take a meteographer to know which way the wind's blowing. Say, do those legs go all the way down? Can I ask that?"

"Look, Buster, I didn't score a full house but this Nevada thing isn't the last dance of the night. The train's still on the road and Bloomburt's out there paying pretty girls to just lie down on the tracks. Are you kidding me, man? I'm like a hound dog. I'm on the hunt."

"I'm a fighter, Jack. You haven't seen my right hook yet. I'm a fisherman. These guys are soft-shell crabs and I've got sixteen pots set to pull up on Supper Tuesday. You think I haven't gotten sucked under the whitewater before? I can drown for a long time, buddy." - Joe Biden

"The Russians, they've got their computer whackers. Bernie's got 'em. Trump's got 'em. But I've got something else, folks. I've got the firefighters, the teachers, the steel benders. The pit bosses. Look, I've got the nurses -- the Biden babes. I've got Jill. Rock and roll"

"You guys are the ones that put my boss in the White House. You guys are the ones that put Nixon on the moon. This country's going to Hell in a handbucket and folks, we've got to put it back together again. Do you know who I am? Well, do you? It says here my name's John Biden."

"I walloped 'em tonight. This is my home turf and I'm not afraid to get in the mud and squeal. You ever try to catch a greased hog sliding around a high school gymporium? You'd have an easier time getting your hands on my granddaughter. She's a heartbreaker, folks. She's a snake"

"When you were a kid your parents would lock you outside in the sun for twelve hours at a stretch, you wouldn't get burnt. Remember that? Now the planet's spinning so fast -- it's sweating like the Devil telling the truth. We've gotta slow it down. Look, I haven't got much time"

"Pete's gonna be backing off like a browbeaten tabby cat after Seth Carolina. He doesn't have the brains for this kind of street fight -- the stomach. The brains. I can puke my guts out all night, man" - Joe Biden

"I've been walking the line since you were piddling your Pampers at daycare all day, honey. You sweet thing. I got beaten cross the back with a nightstick in '68 visiting Muhammad Ali in prison. I don't need to show you my confidentials -- my credentials. Ask Barack. Ask anybody"

"People say, 'Joe, the planet's dying! Save the planet! There's too much carbon donoxide!' Look, these guys can't keep their hands to themselves -- they turn into rabid hyenas, frothing at the mouth. They make a baby every time they see a heartbreaker sashaying down the street."

"The coronavirus doesn't scare me -- I've been sick before, sicker than a dog, and it hasn't killed me yet. I whupped the measles when I was nine years old. Look, that's a joke -- there were three rotten kids that lived down the block and their last name was measles" - Joe Biden

"We're not gonna beat Trump tucking our tail between our ears because we're scared of the iPodcast generation. Look, I know there's nothing better than listening to the Lone Ranger in a 1972 Buick Skylark with a gal who likes to go fast. But we've gotta work together on this one"

"Seth Carolina's the big one for us, folks. The cowabunga -- corona -- the kahuna. I've been down on the ground getting kicked and spit on like a snaggle-toothed stepchild, but today that changes. Come up on stage here, honey. You've got a wicked smile, don't you?" - Joe Biden

"We whupped Ernie's ass, folks. Burt. Bernie. He's seen me float like a butterfly but he forgot I sting like a bee. Twofer Tuesday's coming up and we've got the Joementum. It's like dad used to say when he had his third gin -- "all aboard the soul train." Next stop Sam Canfrisco"

"Look, folks, I'm the only guy that can go the distance. If you don't believe me ask Mary Ellen how far I got with her in the Studebaker at Makeout Point. The point is, Pete's done for, vamoose. Amy's head's on the shopping block. They're all jorping like flies, so go with Joe"

"I've gone crabbing once or twice, folks -- you put a fat hunk of salmon on the line and when one of those puppies bites you just haul 'em in by hand. We've got that little mayor, now we've got the senator from Michigan. I've got my sea legs. I'll never die" - Joe Biden

"I believe in three things: the father, son, and Holy Spirit -- that's one -- the American people -- that's you -- and Andy Klobuchar -- that's her, my VP. I hear ya asking, do you believe in yourself, Joe? Does a rooster believe in the dawn, or is he looking at the hen? Well?"

"This country's built on a foundation of crumbling cookies -- bricks. It's rock solid, like a little girl's bones. It's built on the people's backs. I'm standing on your, the place your arms connect to your head, and you're standing on their backs. It's called freedom. I'm Joe"

"I'm reeling the endorsements in like crappies on a cold morning, folks! You catch more bees with honey. Flies. Mr. Texas, the governor from Indiana -- I don't mind how he swings a bat -- the girl...I'd like to circle the bases with her. I'm kidding! Email Joe at 30330 dot Joe"

"They're saying vote for John Biden! Look, you light something on fire -- a tobacco pipe, a slip of paper, your derby hat, it doesn't matter -- the butterflies'll get burnt to a crips. Boy that's hot. Ouchie! Oh mama. Joe is a four-letter name. Try to spell that three times slow"

"We’re building a cohibition, let’s get everybody in the tent. It's Joe time! I don’t care if you’re a ruckneck from Arland or a marinara dealer — a boat guy who owns a marina in Long Shore. I don’t care if ya switch hit. Cozy up to Joe, why dontcha? Boy you smell good, darling!"

"All the big gums are frittering out of the woolwork today. They're tellin you to hit the polls and cast a bailiff, a ballywick for Joe. Look, you've gotta ask myself: do Werbers Originals taste different these days? Am I okay with that? We've gotta turn around the clock, man!"

"The wagons are hitched, man, and the horse isn't dead, not yet. Not by a long shot. Remember in Bunch Cassidy when Robert Redford says he can't swim and Paul Norman says hell, the fall is probably gonna kill ya? I know how to do the backstroke, alright -- ladies. Go with Joe!"

"Get in the car, man. You need to cool your jets. It's Joe time. Get in the *inaudible* car. This thing's built like a brick thick shithouse. The airbags work. Watch this."

"Joe can do it all, folks -- there's no valley that's too long, and the mountain isn't -- it's not that big. Diabetes, panocratic cancer, the brain thing, we're gonna cure 'em. Look, Death is walking in my footsteps, but he's just a Babar Yahoo -- a boogeyman. He's not real"

"Don't you vote for wanna someone who's been a Democrat their whole life? I'm talking about a real Democrat. I'm talking about a Ragnarok Alabama Democrat!" - Joe Biden

"Look, I've caught a bug once or twice. Nothin' you can't fix with a thimbleful of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup. This kahuna virus? That's a different story, man. We gotta knock this malarkey out, and that's a Joe promise. Test everybody, quorumtine 'em in malarkham joesylum."

"It's dark down here, and damp. You think that's gonna stop Joe? C'mon. I don't mind getting dirty, folks. I'm not scared of grubs, worms, creepy crawlers...you know. I'll claw my way outta here by next Tuesday." - Joe Biden

“Listen to yourself, man! Does Joe Biden know what’s good for the goose? I don’t know, does a rooster know how to do the chicken dance? Who— where am I? There’s two kinds of you people— two kinds of people in the world, pal, and lemme tell ya, you ain’t neither of ‘em.”

“Trump’s a bad guy, man! A villain! We let a Russian bear into the hen hole and now the feathers are flying. Well, it’s time to put the gloves on. America’s got a message for you: back off, Apollo! I mean, Drago. Comprende? We’re not gonna take it!” - Joe Biden