** my story. **

All tweets in this thread will be tagged with ( #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers) so you can mute either tag if you don't want to see this on your timeline.

Started this thread to tell my story, because I think not many people understand.

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My mom is abusive, and I think it's hard for others to believe that moms CAN be abusive.

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People have a strong positive association with moms and I think that's great! Most moms are AMAZING. It doesn't mean everyone's mother is kind to their children.

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"The mothering instinct" isn't *always* there. Or, scarier, is the thought that *despite* the "mothering" instinct being there, some other reasons perpetuates this system of abuse.

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I'm going to use past tense to describe my mother. She is alive, but we are separated because I left once I became financially independent. These are descriptions of what she did in the past, and LUCKILY, she can't do them anymore.

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1. My mom was verbally abusive. She called me all sorts of swear words, names, etc. This was constant and never-ending.

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2. She was physically aggressive, up until when I was 24 and cut off contact with her.

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2a. This "wasn't just spanking". She threatened me with knives, threw bowls of rice at me, beat me with a laptop charger.

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2b. I keep having to explain that "it's not just spanking". As an adult I realize that she was throwing tantrums, and that punishments weren't a reaction to my bad behaviour. As a kid, I just thought I was a SHITTY kid.

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Examples: the knife incident? it was over me biting my nails. I was 8. As a adult, my stance is that this was disproportionate.

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It was also ineffective. I was biting my nails when I was stressed (which, I STILL DO), and sure enough I WOULD BE STRESSED IF I WAS BEING THREATENED WITH DEATH AND ABANDONMENT ALL THE TIME thanks

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I think the key scary thing I see when I look back on this is ... as a kid I thought I was a terrible kid and that I constantly had to prove myself just to not be thrown out and left to die in the cold?

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The context is that I was a straight A student, and probably the biggest teacher's pet. No one at school noted the "behaviour problems" and "attitude problems" my mom was talking about.

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Looking back, these "attitude problems" came from me asking questions about things. If she ordered me to do something new, and I didn't know how, she was angry that I didn't already know how, because she knew how.

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She had SUCH a difficulty in understanding that other people could feel different. Even for tangible things! Such as someone else feeling warm when she herself felt cold.

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Or that people can have different favourite flavours of ice cream.

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This was a huge issue for me at school, because if she had a problem with something at school, she interpreted it as me lying.

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One of my worst elementary school nightmares was when a geography teacher assigned us to watching the Canadian Amazing Race as part of our homework of learning about Canada.

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My mom was LIVID. I had to bring home worksheets and permission forms and she STILL thought I was lying.

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She passed off so much behaviour as "being rebellious", but literally all I was doing was clarifying so I didn't get into trouble later.

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I ended up setting boundaries with her recently, a set of events unfolding slowly since Feb 2019.

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She kept bothering me about investing with her and I disagreed because as a student I earn not enough to have anything other than the basic emergency fund.

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I visited her last CNY and she cornered me in the bathroom one day to demand that I just sign the documents and leave a blank chequebook behind.

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She wouldn't explain to me what the investments would be for, or how much she wanted me to invest and just screamed at me for asking any question, which "made her work more than she's already doing".

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She kept insisting that I couldn't trust banks or other financial advisors because SHE's my mother, and that the benefit of her selling me these products is that I could list my family as a beneficiary.

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I did some googling and learned that other products offer this option as well. I was [eyes emoji] at the fact that she was insisting on being both the seller (earning commission) and beneficiary. She got really angry about this, accusing me of being malicious and "not trusting y

I guess that last part is very true. I think if there hadn't been that conflict of interest I wouldn't have dug further. I'm very careful when it comes to finances because I don't have much to begin with. I also know that I don't know much. So I really try to research.

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Anyways I insisted no several times and soon she got down to fists and really attempted to get me to just sign "and not be resistant". At this point, as things went downhill, I became more certain that I DIDN'T want to get these financial products with her.

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If I can't even get the right information by asking before she had control over my finances, how am I gonna get any info WHEN she already has those signed documents?

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My dad ultimately pulled her away from getting too physical, which I was grateful for. Under his request, my mom threw a pamphlet at me and told me to "learn the information myself instead of being burdensome and bothering her for it".

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Afterwards, my dad told me he was disappointed in me. His advice to me was that I should trust her and not inflame her by questioning her or asking for information. He told me that he trusted her and I should too, because "we're family".

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More than the physical aggression my mom showed me, this gesture scared me the most. I don't understand why he blamed things on me like that.

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I left that weekend and returned home. I insisted on not investing, over and over again. She called multiple times, demanding that I invest with her. I declined, ending phone calls in order to unsubscribe, just because saying "no" alone didn't stop her.

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She demanded that I visit home later that year and I kept pushing it off, saying that I was busy. And then for the final time, when she prompted, I told her I wasn't going back until she changed her aggressive and abusive behaviour. I set the boundary.

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I IMMEDIATELY GOT SPAMMED WITH MULTIPLE PHONE CALLS, with no breaks in between. She filled my voicemail. She messaged me on EVERY PLATFORM, threatening to pull me out of school, asking if I was mentally ill, demanding that I change my terrible ungrateful behaviour.

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I set the boundary again, using one text. Then, I would put down the phone and do stuff without checking my phone. Once a month, this cycle would begin again, she would spam, spam, spam, hurl insults, and I would have to set boundaries. She would ignore boundaries, but I would a

She was incessant. Soon, she told me she'd involve the police, she'd get my dad to drive down to where I was studying bring me back home, etc. etc.

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When she texted, or whatsapped, the notification with the contact name "mom" gave me such a strong sense of panic I was nauseated. I was so conditioned to her anger = my danger that even a phone notification alone was enough to spike up my body's alarm system.

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Growing up I realized I was CONSTANTLY in fight or flight mode. I was always having stomach issues, specifically feeling like I was going to throw up. She chalked it up to having a poor digestive system, but the digestive system thing disappeared after I moved out. That's when I

So, I sought help. I saw a therapist in my town who specialized in "narcissistic relationships", namely partners, but I assumed what worked for partners would work for parents too, right?

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The first therapist was helpful in just validating that things were cray!!!

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We roleplayed situations where I would play my mom and she would play me to demonstrate boundary setting. We got to a point where she was exhausted, and just exclaimed, "wow, your mom is tha toughest case I've ever had to deal with!". I had 2 reactions.

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My immediate reaction was like, "f*ck, even a professional with 20 years of experience is stuck, how am I ever going to have hope".

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My second reaction was feeling validated. After all, I sometimes wonder if I had to just pull up my bootstraps and just CONFRONT and SOLVE the issues with my mom on my own, without having to spend money on therapy, yknow? Like if I *tried hard* enough.

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I didn't get far with this therapist, because I ran out of the insurance quota in 4 sessions. A pity.

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I spent the next two months just trying to get by without any help, all the while my mom is harassing me constantly via text.

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If I didn't reply to a text within 30 minutes, she would UP THE SPAMMING and just threaten to call the police to locate me. This included if I didn't check my phone because I was writing an exam, or one time when she texted at 5am* and followed up moments later over why I was ig

*this was before I started or even knew about the 5am wakeup club thing.

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I ended up then seeking help via talkspace, because it was a cheaper out of pocket option for me. I like the texting format, but I had a hard time finding a good match because I am a minority, in many aspects.

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I cycled through many therapists who a) kept asking me why I was holding on to my culture or b) put the burden on me to explain the cultural context to them.

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I met several therapists who also insisted that because of my culture, I had to reunite with my mother, because a bond with family or a mother is irreplacable, and that I need to drop all grievances, forgive her, and mend this relationship. I disagree.

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I don't hate my mom. I don't like her either. She's just a person I know who hasn't taken on the role of a mother, who has been aggressive physically and verbally. Even going back won't "mend" or even create such a bond. It only puts me in danger of her physical aggression becau

I kept being told that exposure is the way to get rid of anxiety, and that I needed to be exposed to her in order to downplay my body's physical reaction to danger.

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I understood this concept when applied to my dog phobia because like, objectively dogs are harmless and lovely, so my body's fear reaction is overreacting. Pairing exposure to the dog and an absence of danger over time makes sense. You know what doesn't though?

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My mom is objectively a danger. She consistently breaks things and hits people. Even when not physically aggressive, she's verbally aggressive. Surely my body is accurately and appropriately signalling danger, and exposing me to her only would reinforce my body's natural reactio

Apparently no, I've been told it's avoidance. Other therapists disagree. Overall, I think the people who kept asking me to go back -- didn't fully explain their reasoning well enough and I really just didn't buy into the philosophy enough to put myself to test.

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I dislike this and this sticks out to me because these were labelled as "safety behaviours" and "avoidance". My mom also told me that not answering her texts right away was "avoidance".

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Like if we speak literally, yes, I was "avoiding" her text. But the silence was to send a message that I wasn't about to reinforce her aggressive behaviours by giving her responses if she escalated. Yes, we're still talking about conditioning here lol.

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Thank Pavlov, but also thank Skinner and his pigeons. Anyways,

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I lost my job at the end of 2019 and couldn't really afford talkspace anymore, so I had to stop. And just try and get by again, just like in those two months. But things got so tough with the losing the job thing and my mom amping up her aggro over the holidays, that I went back

Around this time I had a chat with my dad, where he begged me to go home and solve my mom. He asked me to stop my behaviour and to talk to my mom face to face, and to "work something out".

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When I told him no, he said I didn't understand the "meaning of family" and implied that I was acting immature. Phrases like, "you don't understand what it's like to be a parent".

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Here's what got me REAL angry. For the first time, I saw his role from the view of an adult. I saw how every time I asked him for help because she was beating me, he asked me to just behave and she wouldn't beat me.

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Which, if you'll remember, she got angry over unpredictable things and uncontrollable things (the sound of my voice), so I was kind of apalled that he blamed young me and made child me responsible for my mother's emotions (and lack of emotion regulation).

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I was also disappointed that he kept imposing this concept of "family". I gave him an example where if my husband/partner beat me, would "family" be more important than my safety?

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He said I was twisting the situation and that my mom always acted out of kindness and so her aggression should always be acquitted, if I truly understood the deeper meaning of the physical punishments. To him, I just wasn't getting it.

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I disagree. I think children should be protected from harm, and the extreme of what my mom did was beyond any punishment, even when you consider that spanking/ hitting is "culturally" normal for my culture.

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The key thing, is that she hit and yelled without a key lesson to be learned and that's what truly differentiated it.

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I realized in horror that although my dad was the one who consoled me after I was abused, if he wasn't there telling me that I was the root of the problem and that I needed to show gratitude and not sadness, I would have reported this to a trusted adult AGES AGO.

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Instead, because I thought I deserved to be punished, because I genuinely thought I was just still not meeting the mark, I became the little overachiever, teacher's pet, straight A student that I am.

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Some people stop me here and tell me, well you should be grateful! Without her aggression you might not have gotten so far with school with those straight As. I think about this sometimes.

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Without the fear of having to live with her forever, I never would have worked so hard to get into grad school WITHOUT a gap year, never would have stressed day and night whether I got that 0.01% extra on each midterm and exam.

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I was also extremely suicidal between the ages of 8 to 12, and was convinced that I would HAVE to die before then, unless I met her ideals. Think about that. This was before I hit adolescence.

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So when I hit 13 and high school and friends around me started to have bigger emotions and struggle with them, I was already familiar. If I hadn't had such supportive teachers and friends in high school (which, I've heard, is rare!), looking back, I don't know.

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I think what I'm most grateful for were the people who really supported my growth in academics but in that, my growth as an adolescent, because I wasn't getting it from home. So at the end of the day, yes, I was pushed by fear, but I was so so so lucky that I stumbled into a pla

I think that's why it's odd, when people think about hs, they think about bullying and bad teachers etc., etc. For me, nothing bullying wise that happened was anything worse than how my mom treated me. And mostly because I didn't react to bullying, no one... bullied me at school

I think in that respect, there's one (1) positive outcome that came out of that. *BUT*, there were MUCH more effective ways of achieving this without sacricing mental health and without the use of abuse. And that's kind of the key point here.

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The biggest surprise to me is how angry I am at my dad. One day, like 20 years of anger just hit me. Growing up, I only felt bad for him, because he kept asking me to, begging me to. But the bigger question my adult self is asking is ... who felt bad for me? Who advocated for me

My disappointment comes from the fact that when a child came up to him and asked him to stop the violence, he a) blamed the violence on the child and b) kept asking the child to consider adults' pov before their own, e.g., "as your dad I'm already dealing with so much, don't put

I think it's that kind of invalidation that still rings warning bells in me today. I was really resistant to therapists who kept prompting me to consider my parents pov because I'd been doing that all my life, at the sacrifice of my own. I felt like even when I was PAYING for he

That's where the inner child stuff really came in. There's not one single therapist, friend, relative who will ever be able to replace that role of a parent who "should have" cared, and honestly only I can be there consistently for myself. I don't need a therapists' permission t

It sounds SO headstrong and stubborn to me, but part of it is realizing and setting boundaries with people who don't entirely understand and are applying a framework that might not be applicable to me. I became my best and strongest advocate.

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That's where I learned that treatment should be collaborative, not prescriptive. There really is no sense in someone prescribing me to do something if it doesn't fit my life, or if I don't truly understand the meaning behind it. It's not likely to stay around as a habit after I

This is also where this twt thread comes in. I think I've told and retold my story a million times to various therapists but I've never written it for me. For me. To say things that I'm not afraid of telling to a therapist because I'm afraid they won't understand the cultural co

This is where I reflect back on what's happened in the past year and celebrate how much I've grown, review the steps I've taken and decide how to go forward. Because this is MY journey.

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These days, I have 2 therapists. I have 1 therapist via talkspace, on their monthly plan, sort of as a maintenance thing. I have a second therapist, offered for the first time through my grad student insurance (1st year they're offering, so grateful they made this a thing!) and

With the canto therapist, I was finally able to talk about the examples that I needed to in canto. I'm a native English speaker but my mom will ONLY speak canto to me, and my canto is like ~8 years old fluency. So, even though I can talk about setting boundaries and emotional ab

I've only had one session with the canto therapist so far, but we're having another one in a month. Together, I'd gotten the validation that *even in the context of my culture*, my mom's aggression too far. Plus, I didn't have to explain my internal conflict over "filial piety"

I'm really looking forward to my second session with this therapist, and she's given methe quick homework of jotting down what I've done so far to set boundaries with my mom. Here's what really jotted down:

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1. communication boundaries: only text-methods, but had to be upped to just text message (whatsapp deleted), because communicatio wasn't reciprocal on the phone or in person. She's very loud on both and drowns out anything I say, effectively not listening. At least with text I c

2. financial boundaries: I've officially taken everything out of her hands. in 2014 I went paperless just so she would stop opening my statements but going forward she's not allowed to touch ANYTHING financial or personal, even if she's going to offer to do my taxes.*

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*Her doing my taxes was a COLOSSAL headache because she would leave it to the last min to request documents and then require them IMMEDIATELY, i.e., within hours. She would miss things I tell her and blame it on me for not telling her. Plus, she wouldn't answer any of my questio

3. emotional boundaries: I stopped sharing stories with her very young, like maybe 7 or 8. Around the same time I similarly did not let her help me on homework, bc she kept insisting that I do things her way instead of the teacher's way, and I got in trouble a lot with teachers

This actually meant I stayed recess and lunch to finish homework so that I didn't bring ANY homework home.

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This also contrasts how my brother behaved, because my brother kept sharing everything that happened at school, what he wanted to do, or liked with her up until now and now he's VERY dependent on her opinions and too scared to make his own decisions.

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Why? Because my mom holds a really salty view if you don't follow her advice. If you fail following your own advice, she berates you, makes fun of you, harasses you about the one (1) time you made the mistake ten (10) years ago, which she uses to justify why we must ALWAYS liste

I disagree with my mom's way of doing things because it completely takes away a child's slow build of critical thinking and problem solving skills, as well as building self-esteem in their own capabilities to solve a problem.

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And I think the disagreement is my main problem in my relationship with her. We are different, but she is insistent that we MUST be the same and I MUST do as she says, and uses violence to enforce it. And I'm not about that life anymore.

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I think I was afraid and scared of leaving this abusive situation at first, especially since I "strayed off plan" of doing so. I planned on just moving to a different city after I graduate and just live apart so we never had to talk, but it turned out I had to artificially creat

I think what's left is sometimes I wonder what people think of me for being the "black sheep". The kid who got a higher education and suddenly is "too good" for the family and talks about human rights and doesn't listen to elders and doesn't respect elders' opinions (read: follo

I'm scared of what my partner's parents might think of me when they find out that I left my family. Will they think I'm not good enough for their son, because I couldn't even keep quiet in my own family?

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And then I realize that this thought alone COMES FROM my experience living in an abusive family all this time. No kind person would have expected you to stay in an abusive situation. And as my bf said, what his parents think is not what he thinks about me.

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It would make gatherings real awkward but honestly at this point I think I'm thinking WAYYYYYY too far into the future. That's kinda classique (tm) for me.

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I think this is the one (1) area where my culture comes in though. I DO feel the need to put my elder's opinions, wisdoms, advice before my own. But I can't tell if my absolute need to do this comes from my mom's abuse of this principle and using it to leverage unreasonable requ

Part of me wonders if she knows whether her requests are unreasonable. Like part of me wonders why she isn't able to distinguish between my interests/existence as being apart from hers. Is this a theory of mind thing (or lack thereof)?

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This is also a point that I really struggled on for a while. I spend a lot of time explaining her behaviour and possibly even justifying her behaviour. Possibly because adults kept asking me why I didn't just *understand* that she was abusive *for my sake* and that I *just wasn'

That all sounds really salty but I know now that actually, those words came from ignorance and categorizing me into a situation that wasn't really the case, without learning more about the situation beyond my mom's side of the story.

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What's important now is that I don't NEED their validation in order to know that my experiences are valid as well. My stance is that no child should ever be harmed for ANY reason. I've chosen to not interact with others who think hurting a child has positive outcomes.

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& THAT's the growth I've really seen in myself over the past year. In ADDITION, to setting my own boundaries with my mom, I've set my boundaries with others too and become less of that opinion doormat that really tries to please everyone.

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And the great news !!! Is that I'm so fortunate enough to know that most people in my life are very responsive and respectful of boundaries! It's just my mom, and in part my dad that are very resistant to understanding boundaries.

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What I want to do with this thread is let people who are going through this know that they're not alone, that it's possible to get out of this situation, and that there's hope.

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I always want to share the truth about the process + the reality of the obstacles / barriers that need to be considered, above and beyond this general optimism that people keep imposing.

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The end of it is like, there is hope! But it also took a lot of sacrifices and I wish I knew what I was in for so that I could feel more prepared of what I went through.

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At the current moment, I'm so glad that I don't live with her anymore. Or even haveto engage/ interact with her. I'm SO SO SO relieved, even against this shame/guilt.

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Shame/guilt was the topic of some of the work I did. I realized that the shaming/guilting automatic thoughts that came to my head came from others' voices and not my own.

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E.g., my dad: "you should feel guilty for breaking the family", my mom: "you have a mental illness if you think what I did was wrong", etc. which are beliefs that were imposed on me and not originating from me.

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Inside, if you really dig through the layers and get to the heart of this feelings onion, I feel so so so relieved that no longer have to deal with daily abuse from my mom.

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And that distinguishing between me feeling relieved and this imposed feeling of guilt/shame is SO important. It was easier to "shed" those feelings of guilt/shame that were not mine to begin with.

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My dad's guilting me is his protective mechanism from having to shoulder the responsibility of having to protect his children. He was burnt out and didn't want to break his marital relationship.

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This was his decision and not mine, and I can understand where he was coming from and still disagree. I would have done differently.

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A child can't fend for themselves, so I would choose to protect the child over protecting a marital relationship.

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This is against the backdrop of that chinese saying that "you would rather teach someone to hit their child than to teach them to divorce". I disagree SO hard on this statement.

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Adults undergoing a divorce will deal with their own emotions. A child needs to be protected. Am I repeating myself? I feel this SOSOSO strongly: children *should be protected from harm*.

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Similar with my mom, her blaming my setting boundaries as "mental illness" shows her protecting herself from recognizing that her actions as abusive.

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By blaming my boundaries as "mental illness", she justifies her overbearing and controlling actions as necessary and that I am not whole as an adult/ human being. She justifies that I am not capable of my own decisions.

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This twist really shocks me the most because it's a chicken/egg problem. She justifies her actions as based on the fact that everyone in the family struggles with mental health issues,

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but really I truly think everyone struggles with mental health issues because we woke to her screaming, throwing things, being abusive every day.

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When I left the household, yes, my mood initially dipped and my anxiety heightened because I was a Fresh New Adult moving, completing a PhD, dealing with a long distance relationship, all on my own,

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But on the long run my mood is comparably better than my childhood. And, I'm better able to cope with this hectic lifestyle (@ PhD life tbh).

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I think what's so so so hard about this entire ordeal is that even as a kid I understood that sometimes kids don't see the bigger picture of why they're punished until they're older.

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E.g., as a kid I HATED practicing piano, but you need to practice to be good and to enjoy the fun part of piano.

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As a kid when my mom threw tantrums (i.e., distinguishing this from when she was actually doing her job as a mom and correcting bad habits), I thought they were the SAME as being punished, just I didn't know what it was for.

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Sometimes the scenarios were that I *was* being punished for something that needed to be corrected (e.g., messy handwriting on a test) but the method was WAY out of proportion (e.g., throwing lego at me) for the severity of the mistake.

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And I think I really could only see this as an adult. And honestly WOW I'm so shook/ shaken by her behaviour. To think that a whole adult could do this to a child is frightening.

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And to think my dad could then be like, "hey if you could just BEHAVE so I don't have to hear her screaming I'm already depressed" is the most wild to me.

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Understandable! That you were depressed! But as an adult you had more resources to deal with it than me, a smol child.

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At the end of this I just really wish my parents were both better supported in the mental health arena when they were growing up !!! It's not my responsibility to ~heal them for something, esp if I'm still dealing with the consequences of every day.

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[insert clap emojis between every word in the previous tweet]

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

However, my main issue is that while I'm trying to figure out my own development, they're asking me to fix THEM, even though they never gave me the space to learn the skills I needed to.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

So before I even get my own shit together and learn how to function emotionally and maturely, my parents, esp my dad, expect me to take on the role of the parent, to "fix" my mom of her tantrums.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I was honestly really angry about this take. Imagine being a child who was neglected and abused all her life and then being told that it's now my responsibility to "fix" the abuser so that they didn't abuse other people anymore.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

My dad used the parallel of "we brought you up", now "you have to take care of us".

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

1) "bringing me up" is a loose term. I was fed and housed and clothed yes, but I was so suicidal at age 8 I didn't think I would live beyond age 12 and planned accordingly for my death.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I was 8!!!!!!!!!! This is so frightening to look back on. I was so terrified of waking up each day to my mom screaming and thrashing that I would have rather died, and had a tangible plan.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

When I tell this story I feel guilty !!! Relative to other abused kids at least I was fed! Clothed! Had a house to live in!

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

But because I had all these things, and was a bright, playful kid at school (because school was safe and fun, home was not), no one believed I was being abused.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

When I told people that my mom would be mad about things, everyone else was like, "yeah my mom too, she's gonna KILL me over this D on this test".

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The reality was that maybe I got an A, but knew that on question 2 my answer wasn't exactly the NEATEST because I was WRITING A TEST + I knew my mom was gonna throw the remote, test, and pen at me when I got her to sign it.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

But I knew, even then that if I explained that people would just be like, you got an A, why are you EVEN complaining.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And that's because people thought that my mom would punish me according to their mom's behaviours and an A would be treated mildly. Whereas reality was so so so so different.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Same with my extended family. I told my aunts and they were all like, "yeah, she was really bossy as a sibling growing up but she was also right, just listen to her". Which was the same thing my dad said.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And so I listened to her. I wrote tests with perfect handwriting and A+s, so she couldn't criticize my academics. So she turned to criticising me for things outside of my control.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

"Your eyes are too small" "You're fat" (Even though I was underweight) "Your voice is shitty".

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

SO, get this, I stayed out of her path so she wouldn't have to *perceive* me and my imperfections. SO!!! GET THIS, she criticized me for hiding and never doing any work.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And as a kid I still thought!!! It was my fault !!! That I was just not doing enough to deserve the love that everyone else had. I thought I was by default unloveable.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And that's not okay. I hope if anyone is scrolling this tag and going through this, you don't deserve to abused in any way.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I think when abuse happens, children don't hate their parents, they start hating themselves.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And that's partially why I want to tell my story. I want to show that hope is possible and also to tell younger versions of me that !!! it's !!! not !!! your !!! fault !!! to be treated this way.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The adults in your life should be or should have protected you.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

So from here on out, I keep being asked, what will you choose to do next?

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I understand the concept behind this, but I feel like it's missing a step.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

We haven't "solved" the issue that my autonomic nervous system acts up every time there's confrontation.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I'm still living the consequences of 20+ years of abuse, yet therapists have chosen to focus on other things.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I.e., "moving forward, it is your responsibility to break the cycle for your children, and to make sure that your relationship with your husband is good and you don't become your mom in the relationship"

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

BOY I REACTED TO THOSE STATEMENTS. I defo agree to break the cycle, I hope that becomes clear.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I was also shook how much emphasis was placed into this normative narrative that a woman has to get married and has to have kids, that sESSION 2 of therapy the focus is on things happening 5-10 years from now already.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Also, surprised that again, the assumption is that I'm straight.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I found that my earlier therapists were better on understanding gender diversity, but avoided the concept of cultural diversity.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

My current therapist has the same cultural background so we talk about that together, but gender diversity and sexual orientation FLEW out the door.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The current therapist asked me how it was like growing up with my mom and I was like, "tbh, I was lowkey jealous of other kids bc I felt like I wasn't working hard enough for my mom's love" and

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

the therapist IMMEDIATELY snapped into: ok, so when you get married, seek premarital counselling, so you dont abuse your own kids & I just. Wanted to leave that session immediately.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

ONE SINGLE YIKE

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

shameless self promo of my own one single yike sticker: https://www.redbubble.com/shop/p/43352781.EJUG5

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I believe that if I'm going to therapy I really don't want to be spending my money to argue against your assumptions.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I also recognize that part of my reason for getting therapy is bc I wanted validation, but don't want to over-rely on "store-bought" validation if I can learn to try and manufacture some myself.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

As I'm writing this I realize that what I need to do is just end this therapy with this therapist. It feels weird and odd and I'm not ... learning anything new.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I think ideally I want to find someone familiar with inner child work and reparenting, especially in a cultural context, but I just haven't found someone in the community.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Which is unfortunate, but also I'm mostly functioning otherwise.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Based on this thread and reflecting I just actively asked my talkspace therapist whether we could work on this. We'll see how that goes!

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I think just asking me to "validate myself" and then leaving it there isn't doing the trick. I need this broken down MUCH further.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I think there's a lot of assumptions about what I can and can't do sometimes and it's about breaking those assumptions and asking for what you need.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I'm starting to see the light though. I can move things forward.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

How do I phrase it. I think what I most want is to be able to end this relationship and just break up with her. Is that weird?

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

02.29.2020: She texted me again, this time asking me to be careful with the coronavirus, and asking me when I'm going home.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I didn't respond to the text and instead journalled and talked to my therapist about my reactions.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

What I realized was like, I acknowledge that she's changed, a smidge bit!

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The change: not following immediately with profanity and accusations that I'm sick, etc..

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

What I also noted was that I feel obligated to accept this change as progress + to go home bc she's made change.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I feel obligated to shoulder the role of supporting her through continuing to change because she's demonstrated one small change.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I also felt silly that I was so excited !!! That she's following the baseline convention of not spamming with texts.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

When I got the text I got the feeling of an old ex texting being like "hey, I've changed, let's get back together".

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

It feels weird that that's the feeling she gave me. It means I've moved on. I don't feel responsible for necessarily upholding this relationship just bc she's progressed.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The reality is so many therapists, friends, are like: "you must miss her! you must resent her for not validating you, etc" and I don't resent her.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I think unlike many other abuse cases I actually don't KNOW my mom very well. She's like a roommate who never converses with you but has odd habits.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

That's why the text gave off this "ex texting to get back together" vibe.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I've felt for years now this obligation to "stay in this relationship" vibe because of this societal assumption that even in abuse situations, "the mother daughter link must be so strong!"

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Even therapists told me this and there was one therapist who kept telling me I would regret it.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And I actively listened and considered this point, because I think a lot of people who have avoidant attachment with their abusers would act this way also.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

But like, that description doesn't fit.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I don't know anyone in my family, even though we lived under the same roof. I wasn't allowed to TALK to anyone in the house so as a result,

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

no one knows me; I don't KNOW anyone in my family; no one REALLY knows each other either. Like I said, it feels like we were just roommates.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I soon realized that from this, I was just societally pressured to stay in this mother-daughter relationship bc of this assumption that this relationship is enduring and forever.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

That's probs what people felt about marriage like, 50 years ago as well?

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Like a woman gets out of an abusive relationship and people ask her questions about why she wasn't a good enough wife to maintain the relationship

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Or a woman gets out of an abusive relationship and people ask her why she doesn't return to a husband who's made small changes, and expect her do the emotional labour of supporting him through MORE change.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

I feel EXACTLY that second one. This expectation that I'm supposed to be the wise and mature one and to just "help" my mom become more mature about her own feelings.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Like, seriously, fuck that! She never took her role of a mother and now I have to MOTHER her? That shit ain't fair and I'm not wasting the rest of my life on this.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

If this was a shitty husband nowadays, y'all wouldn't give me shade for making the decision I'm making, but since she's a MOTHER,

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

people can't believe and constantly need me to justify how truly violent and aggressive she is, and even then, STILL keep asking me "are you just overreacting?"

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Like I get it, moms are usually nice! I'm working against this overwhelmingly +ve stereotype here.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

And I also get it, sometimes moms AREN'T nice and kids tolerate it and later learn that the "not niceness" was just setting boundaries / structure that is necessary for a child's growth.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

It's not that, and look here, I'm actually seeing myself justify to the world how my mother's behaviours ARE abusive and ARE above that threshold of "teaching".

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

The bottom line is that I want to break up with her. I want to live my life without her

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

because now I have a life to say YES to, intentionally, and I need to say no to this societal expectation that I gotta bend over backwards for her "bc she's your mom and she birthed you"

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers

Anyways I wrote all this in a journal and to my therapist. And also here, in this thread.

tags: #AbusiveMom #NarcissisticMothers