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THREAD: To celebrate the new season of @nbcbrooklyn99 I compiled 
of the show’s best one-liners to create the ultimate list!
of the show’s best one-liners to create the ultimate list!
1. He is so strong, but so gentle. He’s like an enormous, muscular Ellen Degeneres.
2. Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious it should be wearing spectacles.
3. Well, you're not the basis of a character on "Empire" Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day.
2. Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious it should be wearing spectacles.
3. Well, you're not the basis of a character on "Empire" Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day.
4. Her mind finally snapped, like a stale breadstick.
5. I’ve been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so yeah, I’m a director.
6. You’re a virgin. That’s an order.
7. Last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from “Beauty and the Beast.”
5. I’ve been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so yeah, I’m a director.
6. You’re a virgin. That’s an order.
7. Last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from “Beauty and the Beast.”
8. I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said "Uh, yes, we can.”
9. She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
10. Cheddar wears little booties in the snow or Cheddar wears nothing.
11. I never have second thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.
9. She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
10. Cheddar wears little booties in the snow or Cheddar wears nothing.
11. I never have second thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.
12. The hospital called. Your test results came back positive. You're a stage five dumbass.
13. I am way to sleep-deprived to deal with your negativity right now.
14. I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
15. The internet will tell us what to do. She always does.
13. I am way to sleep-deprived to deal with your negativity right now.
14. I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
15. The internet will tell us what to do. She always does.
16. Do you know what it means to "clap back” Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.
17. She’s so pretty. She’s like the woman on an olive oil bottle.
18. After zero consideration, I'm happy to say, "hard pass."
19. What the hell’s “Othello?” I’m calling you the parrot from “Aladdin.”
17. She’s so pretty. She’s like the woman on an olive oil bottle.
18. After zero consideration, I'm happy to say, "hard pass."
19. What the hell’s “Othello?” I’m calling you the parrot from “Aladdin.”
20. Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pac-Man dies.
21. I’m going to push you up. Just like a bra.
22. Sarge, we're in a sewer. I'm gon’st to talk about the Turtles.
23. Listen, I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on —
21. I’m going to push you up. Just like a bra.
22. Sarge, we're in a sewer. I'm gon’st to talk about the Turtles.
23. Listen, I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on —
24. There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat.
25. I have decided to stop fighting it and lean into the fact that I’m an idiot.
26. Who gives a hump about efficiency?
27. I’m going to make you look like a Jamaican god of rhythm... Sebastian from the “Little Mermaid.”
25. I have decided to stop fighting it and lean into the fact that I’m an idiot.
26. Who gives a hump about efficiency?
27. I’m going to make you look like a Jamaican god of rhythm... Sebastian from the “Little Mermaid.”
28. You’re not cheddar. You’re just some common bitch.
29. “Be myself,” what kind of garbage advice is that?
30. Hi. Gina Linetti, human form of the
emoji.
31. I’d like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn’t give him enough attention.
29. “Be myself,” what kind of garbage advice is that?
30. Hi. Gina Linetti, human form of the
emoji.31. I’d like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn’t give him enough attention.
32. My mother cried the day I was born because she knew she would never be better than me.
33. Okay, so imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone—
34. You hate theater. You always say acting is just professional lying.
35. Don't move as a group! You're not gazelles!
33. Okay, so imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone—
34. You hate theater. You always say acting is just professional lying.
35. Don't move as a group! You're not gazelles!
36. How was I supposed to know there’d be consequences for my actions?
37. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood’s supposed to be!
38. I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
39. That’s a nice thought... for an idiot to have.
37. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood’s supposed to be!
38. I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
39. That’s a nice thought... for an idiot to have.
40. Oh, I love Paris! At least how it’s represented in the movie “Ratatouille.”
41. It’s gina’s phone. Leave me a voicemail. I won’t check it cause it’s not 1993.
42. All men are at least 30% attracted to me.
43. Can’t spill food on your shirt if you’re not wearing one.
41. It’s gina’s phone. Leave me a voicemail. I won’t check it cause it’s not 1993.
42. All men are at least 30% attracted to me.
43. Can’t spill food on your shirt if you’re not wearing one.
44. Now before I tell you my idea... are you allergic to dolphins?
45. I've never felt so abandoned. And I was actually abandoned. They found me in a swamp.
46. Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe!
47. Big shocker. The straight white man wins again.
45. I've never felt so abandoned. And I was actually abandoned. They found me in a swamp.
46. Everyone likes to be the little spoon. It makes you feel safe!
47. Big shocker. The straight white man wins again.
48. I come and go as I please. It's part of my charm. I'm like an outdoor cat.
49. A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
50. He’s one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint.
49. A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
50. He’s one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint.
51. Once, I used an exclamation point in a email. You called me Diana Ross.
52. I'm too nice. I let every random jerk suckle at the teat of my human kindness.
53. Well, it was just a regular morning for me. Woke up again with my dog's butt on my mouth.
52. I'm too nice. I let every random jerk suckle at the teat of my human kindness.
53. Well, it was just a regular morning for me. Woke up again with my dog's butt on my mouth.
54. If I don't see you every day, I will forget who you are. I'm like a goldfish.
55. At camp I found a slam book that the lunch ladies had written about me.
56. I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.
57. This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.
55. At camp I found a slam book that the lunch ladies had written about me.
56. I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.
57. This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.
58. What kind of woman doesn’t have an axe?
59. The key with dogs is establishing the alpha, “Cheddah dwop it. Pwease dwop it. I’ll give you anything you want.”
60. On your mark... get Seth... Rogen!
61. I was eavesdropping. I’m always eavesdropping.
59. The key with dogs is establishing the alpha, “Cheddah dwop it. Pwease dwop it. I’ll give you anything you want.”
60. On your mark... get Seth... Rogen!
61. I was eavesdropping. I’m always eavesdropping.
62. Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a Step Up movie.
63. I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.
64. Turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re: her sex tape.
63. I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.
64. Turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton re: her sex tape.
65. Oh, this pitbull hates kids. That's fine. I'll never have any. *Add to cart*
66. Why the long face? That Mexican candy giving you nerve damage again?
67. Of course I’m jealous. I was never hiding that.
68. Desperate times call for “Desperate Housewives.”
66. Why the long face? That Mexican candy giving you nerve damage again?
67. Of course I’m jealous. I was never hiding that.
68. Desperate times call for “Desperate Housewives.”
69. The speedometer's broken. No wonder everyone was flipping us off. I thought it was just racism.
70. Cool cool cool cool cool, our country is broken.
71. Jake, he is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell!
72. Your tone's braggy, but your words are real sad.
70. Cool cool cool cool cool, our country is broken.
71. Jake, he is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell!
72. Your tone's braggy, but your words are real sad.
73. Nana Boyle was a monster. She once yelled at me so loud, I fainted.
74. My last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
75. I was thinking how I would make the perfect American president, based upon my skill set, dance ability and bloodlust.
76. You don’t outgrow punk, sir.
74. My last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
75. I was thinking how I would make the perfect American president, based upon my skill set, dance ability and bloodlust.
76. You don’t outgrow punk, sir.
77. First, let’s say a prayer, “Dear Beyoncé, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that’s white...”
78. If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.
79. Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
78. If I was a unicorn, I'd never be angry.
79. Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
80. Anyways, I’m gonna go cry in the bathroom. Peace out, homies.
81. Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!!
82. I’m fully hydrated and it’s unlocking my brains full potential.
83. If the sound were eating damp rice, I would've gotten it immediately.
81. Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!!
82. I’m fully hydrated and it’s unlocking my brains full potential.
83. If the sound were eating damp rice, I would've gotten it immediately.
84. I better hurry if I want to be at the airport six hours ahead of my flight.
85. I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
86. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.
87. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
85. I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
86. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.
87. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
88. Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad. Because I already want to kill myself.
89. My girls were conceived to “Bootylicious.”
90. We should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to Purge.
91. Who says papa? Are you a little French boy?
89. My girls were conceived to “Bootylicious.”
90. We should all get summers off like teachers. Let the city go to Purge.
91. Who says papa? Are you a little French boy?
92. Nice. The dark web. It's the only place you can buy quality bat meat.
93. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
94. I feel like I’m the Paris of people.
95. If anything, I see you as a “bother figure” because you’re always bothering me.
93. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
94. I feel like I’m the Paris of people.
95. If anything, I see you as a “bother figure” because you’re always bothering me.
96. You have more muscles in your ears than I have in my entire body.
97. Yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of.
98. Oh, look at that. An alert. I’m probably trending all ready.
99. If I die, turn my tweets into a book!
97. Yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of.
98. Oh, look at that. An alert. I’m probably trending all ready.
99. If I die, turn my tweets into a book!
