warnings

- non consensual touching
- dark thoughts

I'm not really sure what else to tag, but there will be a lot of guilt on the victim's end, please don't read if these trigger you

warnings

#TaeKookAU;

humiliated.

dirty.

whore.

his heart pumped but his hands and body were cold. there was cotton in his ears, he couldn't hear the chaos around him, the busses pulling away, the students laughing as they passed by. they were all muffled.

#TaeKookAU;

his best friend sat across from him, talking about his assignment. he tried to hone on the conversation, but that resulted in him paying even less attention.

it was when he realized that his best friend was giving him a concerned look that he snapped out of it.

#TaeKookAU;

"hey, you listening?" the blond asked as he furrowed his eyebrows and took a sip from his peppermint mocha.

"yeah, just not feeling too great." another lie. it slipped easily from his lips. no hesitation. guilt turned in his gut. he wanted to tell jimin.

#TaeKookAU;

a cool hand to his forehead had him grounding himself as his best friend pulled away, lips pursed in an 'o' shape.

"tae, go home, you're literally burning up." he frowned, not waiting for the younger to make a move. he began packing tae's things for him.

#TaeKookAU;

"is jeon home right now?" the younger internally groaned. he forgot about his roommate.

"probably, but it's fine, he'll probably be going to the gym soon." it wasn't a fact, just his wishful thinking. he didn't want the other to be home.

#TaeKookAU;

he didn't want him to ask why he used up all their hot water, why his skin had the indentation of nails being dragged along his body. he didn't want junior graphic design major jeongguk asking him why he looked like death warmed over.

#TaeKookAU;

he bade his short friend a goodbye and promised to keep him updated on his condition.

the lies kept falling easily from his lips, ever since that drunken night.

#TaeKookAU;

-flashback-

it had been the two of them alone that night. well four if you counted the two beers in front of them. there had been nothing to do. midterms were over, reading week had just started.

the boys were kicking it back with a cold one.

#TaeKookAU;

"you like anyone?" jeongguk asked. they'd been asking each other questions for the past half hour, simple things, easy things, no one really wanting to get too into the other's business.

tae thought about it for a second. the elder put the bottle to his lips.

#TaeKookAU;

he found himself watching his rosy lips wrap around the opening, eyes flickering lower to where his throat moved as he swallowed and suddenly the room was hot. it was stifling; even though it was winter. he needed a window open, or a drink.

#TaeKookAU;

it took him a few gulps to finish off his drink, wiping away the excess with the back of his hand. his roommate looked at him amused, but not saying anything; like it was their little secret.

"i don't like anyone," left the younger's lips faster than he had time to+

#TaeKookAU;

process.

#TaeKookAU;

-present-

he was sure that something had changed since that night. jeongguk was rarely home, and when he was, they communicated through texting because tae was "working on an assignment" and jeongguk didn't want to bother him.

It was a sweet gesture on his part.

#TaeKookAU; warning begins

headphones on, music on full blast and yet his thoughts were as loud as ever. the way that the soft whispers invaded every crevice in his mind, tainting all his thoughts with the soft but laboured breathing. he closed his eyes.

#TaeKookAU;

big mistake, as he closed his eyes he could see the hands, see them on his waist. he screwed his eyes shut tighter, willing the image away. he wanted it gone. he wants to forget.

his throat began to rival the sahara desert as the hands moved up his sides.

#TaeKookAU;

suddenly, he was no longer just seeing and hearing, he was feeling. he felt the burning touches searing the skin where he was touched. a dull ache spread across his groin and thighs.

he was lucky he was sitting. his knees were weak. his chest was constricting.

#taekookau;

his boxers were wet. he hated it. he hated that his body didn't get it. hated that the touches were enough to make him even leak.

pathetic.

he couldn't even stop it. his mind blanked as the fire licked at his skin, burning, searing, humiliating.

[aha okay actually ending here for tonight, will continue tmrw. lemme know what you think so far! https://curiouscat.me/vantaecgv ]

#taekookau;

he stumbled into the dorm room, looking somewhat crazed with his intense eyes and the way he looked around. high strung.

"hey, you're home early," jeongguk commented from the couch. he didn't look like he was gonna go to the gym. great. perfect. lovely. really!

#taekookau;

"wasn't feeling well." the younger grunted, shrugging his bag off and toeing off his shoes. he could feel the elder's eyes on him as he went through the motions of undressing.

"guidance office called." guk said casually as the younger had almost made it to his room.

#taekookau;

a chill ran down his spine. he had an appointment today. he had an appointment with their councillor today. he forgot. taehyung turned around to look at his roommate and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"oh?"

"they wanted to know if you want a single dorm."

#taekookau;

he didn't have to see the male to know that he was prodding his cheek with his tongue, a habit he adopted as well over the course of the year living with jeongguk.

"oh."

"did i do something kim? was it that night? i'm sorry okay? sorry i asked."

#taekookau;

"that..that isn't wh-"

"bull! i made things awkward by admitting to liking you later on in the night. you just pretended like you were asleep." tae frowned. he didn't remember that part of the night.

"hyung...i really did fall asleep."

#taekookau;

"then answer me this," the senior turned in his seat and looked directly at taehyung and licked his lips, "do you like me? cause i like you and i would love nothing more than for our cuddles, movie nights and hang outs to mean more than that.

#taekookau;

but only if you like me too. i'm not forcing you." taehyung didn't know if it had been the situation itself or jeongguk being so sincere, but in the next second found him curling in on himself.

the elder was at his side in an instant, hands on tae.

#taekookau;

warm.
familiar.
soft.

but still not welcome.

he winced and the touch and gently shied away. the film major sat back on his ass with a look of pain on his face. taehyung was sorry. he was sorry he let someone else fuck him up so bad. he was sorry he was dirty.

#taekookau;

"tae..taehyung," the voice that left the rosy lips sounded defeated and hurt. resigned. the younger sniffled and looked up at the elder, his eyes ablaze with guilt and with...

jeongguk whined, he wanted to pull the younger to his chest.

#taekookau;

he wanted to tell him all the reasons he loved him, the reasons that made the younger so special to him. anything to replace the fear and the hesitancy in his eyes. he hated it. he wanted it gone. he wanted the person who caused it gone. he wanted blood.

#taekookau;

he waited as the younger collected himself, tears slowing, nose dry but still as pretty as the first day jeongguk saw him. the once full cheeks now a little gaunt, but accentuated his features in a way that didn't make him look unhealthy.

#taekookau;

arms wrapped themselves around his body, mirroring the other who was now leaning against the wall, legs huddled to his chest, face barely visible above his knees, his cat like eyes watching jeongguk intently.

"i tried to forget you. made a tinder."

#taekookau;

"tae..." there was a dull ache in his heart as he heard that. tinder was full of creeps, especially on their campus.

"he was so nice, you know? reminded me of joonie hyung a little with how wise he was. how knowledgeable. always something to say about the world."

#taekookau;

jeongguk stared at the young male as he recounted everything about the person he had tried to use to forget about him. his heart hurt a little, he couldn’t lie, but it had been his fault for pushing the boy.

[okie, the rest of the thread is being updated on a google doc! but for tonight this is it! https://curiouscat.me/vantaecgv ]

#TaeKookAU;

the elder bit his bottom lip as he wrapped his arms tighter around his legs. he needed to quell his need to cradle taehyung into his arms and never let him go.

“tae…” the elder whispered, already having a bad idea of what happened;

#TaeKookAU;

why the younger didn’t want him to touch him. the sad smile on his face was enough to confirm it.

“he..he- his tongue. if i think about it too long, sometimes i can still taste him and it’s vile. gross. makes me want to throw up. can feel it down my throat guk.”

#TaeKookAU;

the younger admitted as he covered his face and took deep breaths. on the other hand, jeongguk was trying not to throw up. he wasn’t even the one who had been in the situation and he could feel the sensations. he couldn’t imagine how the other must’ve felt about it.

#TaeKookAU;

“want me to run you a bath?” jeongguk asked as he got onto his knees in front of taehyung. the other merely regarded him with void eyes. blank. lifeless. jeongguk hated it. where were the eyes that looked at him with all the most beautiful constellations?

#TaeKookAU;

tae kept looking at him blankly before nodding.

“with the lavender essential oil please.” he sounded so fragile. so broken. the elder was ready to spill blood for the male in front of him.

#TaeKookAU;

despite his murderous thoughts, he made his way to the bathroom and drew up a bath the way that tae had asked of him.

almost five minutes later, tae was standing in the bathroom with his roommate checking the water temperature.

“thank you. i can take it from here,”

#TaeKookAU;

a sad smile played on his lips as he tightly fisted the hem of his shirt. air didn’t seem to exist from the way that the graphic design major’s chest constricted. heart clenching. gut wrenching.

#TaeKookAU;

jeongguk left the younger to his devices and sat on the couch he had been occupying previous to tae’s arrival. hot tears pricked at the back of his eyes and his throat burned like he took a shot of a strong alcohol.

#TaeKookAU;

meanwhile taehyung sat in the scalding water scrubbing at his skin. his skin gaining a pink tint as he scrubbed and boiled in the heat. he was trying to cleanse his body of the touches. he didn’t want to remember them. he wanted to forget. forget his stupidity.

#TaeKookAU;

forget the person who did this to him. he wanted to lay in someone’s arms, just cuddle them. he knew just the person.

when tae came out of the bath, he was wearing an oversized hoodie (probably jeongguk’s) and loose sweats.

#TaeKookAU;

the elder’s heart yearned to pick him up and cuddle him into his chest and reassure him that everything was going to be okay, that he was beautiful that this didn’t define him. but he sat motionless, dumbfounded as he floundered for the right words to say to the man.

#TaeKookAU;

“i’m going to jimin’s dorm. don’t wait up.” and with those words, the theatre major was out the door. the elder didn’t even bother telling him to stay. he wished he did.

#TaeKookAU;

he wished that the younger stayed to quell his murderous desires, but he knew he was being selfish, and it was something he couldn’t afford.

tae laid in jimin’s arms that night, the elder of the two having draped his arm gently over the younger’s torso as he slept.

#TaeKookAU;

it was different than most nights. usually the two didn’t care about personal space, limbs intertwined, faces smushed against the other’s neck and chest, breathing in the same air.

#TaeKookAU;

but now, jimin kept his distance, just a loose arm over his soulmate as he slept on his stomach, feet crossed. the slight change in scenery helped the male calm down a little.

he thought rationally and dismissed it as his fault. he wasn’t to blame.

#TaeKookAU;

he had clearly said he hadn’t wanted it.

‘but then why did you let him?’ his mind taunted as he tried to dismiss the thoughts. ‘why did you leak in your boxers?’ mean. each thought that ran across his mind was nothing short of mean. calling him names.

#TaeKookAU;

calling him a whore. a slut.

overreacting.
drama queen.
faker.

before he had realized, he was slipping out of bed and running to the bathroom and throwing up. tears streamed down his face as he slumped against the tiled floor.

#TaeKookAU;

jeongguk groaned as he picked up his phone. he didn’t know what time it was, but since the room was still dark, it was clearly not a time someone should be calling him. it was probably an emergency.

“hello?”

#TaeKookAU;

“...” jeongguk pulled the phone away from his ear and read the caller i.d.

“tae? why are you calling me so late?”

“can...can i tell you something?” his voice was frail and hoarse. as if he’d been screaming or crying for hours. he sounded defeated.

#TaeKookAU;

maybe that’s why jeongguk turned on the lights and woke himself up quickly.

that night, they talked for 6 hours. from 3am to 9am. and when tae came home at 10?

#TaeKookAU;

jeongguk gently pulled the other into his arms, putting the younger in a loose hold as he brought him to his bed and cuddled.

- la fin -

[right...so i left it at that because i don't think that any other ending would feel right. not to me. it is a mostly true story. happened last year. but to fully put it to bed, i wanted to write it out. it wasn't a fluffy ending, it wasn't a sad ending. truth be told;

it's something that still bothers me if i think too hard about it. there will never be a satisfactory ending to something like that. either way, whoever read until here; i am grateful. CC if you wanna leave your thoughts! https://curiouscat.me/revnoire ]