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Reflections on being an alienated 13 yr old.
I didn& #39;t understand Mum. When you& #39;re living with a divorced parent that is struggling to deal with, well, life, adults sometimes forget that children DO get it. They get stressed, overwhelmed too. The crying didn& #39;t upset me.
I didn& #39;t understand Mum. When you& #39;re living with a divorced parent that is struggling to deal with, well, life, adults sometimes forget that children DO get it. They get stressed, overwhelmed too. The crying didn& #39;t upset me.
I mean, I felt sad that she was sad and could understand feeling unsettled, hormonal, tired. But it was never just that. She just lied. She& #39;d lie about things people had said/done. For a time, I believed it too. I mean, why else would you think your Mum was lying to you?
I think when you& #39;re slightly younger, if your crying mum says, & #39;Dad upset me.& #39; You accept it. You don& #39;t ask, how - you just feel angry. It& #39;s as I got older that I& #39;d ask, & #39;Why? When? What?& #39; Knowing it was unlike my pacifist father, I wanted more information.
I remember reaching a point where it was starting to fester. I& #39;d been watching her, listening. Wondering why? Why is she saying that Dad said or did something when she knows he didn& #39;t? I vividly remember a night where Dad came over after we& #39;d gone to bed. I perched upstairs.
I remember the low tone of Dad - I could barely hear it. Then, she flipped. She was swearing, screeching, it was LOUD. I heard Dad shh her as she carried on.
The next morning, she asked if I heard anything, before relaying the opposite story. "I begged him to be quiet for you."
The next morning, she asked if I heard anything, before relaying the opposite story. "I begged him to be quiet for you."
This wasn& #39;t the first time. The man she would cry about, tell me & #39;he did this to me& #39;, & #39;he cheated& #39;, & #39;he was emotionally abusive& #39;, & #39;he said this to me the other night and I protected you...& #39;, it never sounded like Dad. This time I knew she was lying. I just didn& #39;t know why.
Why was she purposefully trying to upset me by lying about Dad? I remember another day, watching as Mum lit another cigarette, poured another glass of sherry before telling my sister and I that Dad won& #39;t pay towards us. My sister cried as Mum says she begged Dad not to
sell the family home. I remember gulping & sat stoney faced. She& #39;d forgotten I knew about the court order.The court order had been signed the yr before, saying Mum had the house until my sister was 18. She told Grandma infront of me. Why was she lying?
When Dad picked us up, I was quiet. My sister didn& #39;t want to go with Dad & I watched as Mum said to Dad, & #39;I don& #39;t know why she& #39;s so clingy. Maybe she& #39;s coming down with something? Let her stay here.& #39; It gnawed at me. I knew why. I hugged Dad. He needed that.
That evening, I told Dad why my sister didn& #39;t want to go - it wasn& #39;t the first time Mum had done something like that. I remember things coming up like vomit - it didn& #39;t feel great at first, but there were things I had to tell him. It felt like my body was at max toxicity level.
I felt guilty about telling on Mum. I felt guilty about not telling Dad sooner. I felt guilty about hurting Dad, for feeling angry at him when I& #39;d believed what she said. I remember telling him I didn& #39;t understand WHY. I got punished for lying, so why was she doing it?
What was the point? I told Dad about the times she& #39;d grill us after coming back from his. How she& #39;d tell us about girlfriends he had. How he was abandoning us by working away. (He drove back to STILL have 50/50.) How she& #39;d go through his flat when she dropped off.
I told him how she used to call his family to tell him how bad he was, despite never being close to them. I told him she told us about the money - how another time she told us he cried in court over £50 a month. How she& #39;d fall out with everyone, how her boyfriends would
Come and go. When they& #39;d go, she& #39;d paint them as the Devil, but would punish us for being off when they were quiet. Some bits Dad knew, others he didn& #39;t, but he didn& #39;t look shocked. What& #39;s funny is he listened, but didn& #39;t slag her off. As a parent now, I& #39;d say that& #39;s something
I have absorbed. Children watch, they listen, they see what you& #39;re doing and see if that& #39;s the kind of person they want to be. Sometimes listening with a hug is more therapeutic and healing than a slanging match. It allows for reflection on ones own actions too.
It took a couple more years until I finally left to live with Dad, and my sister quickly followed. Mum became more reckless, boomeranging relationships, openly promiscuous around my sister and I, offering marijuana to my 15 yr old bf, and the intensity got worse.
Despite years passing since their divorce, she would keep on about Dad. Blaming him for anything. As I withdrew, she& #39;d blame him for poisoning me. Truth was, I was exhausted living in Groundhog Day. She& #39;d have lucid moments when she really cocked up.
It was like she had to own up to having a problem, to get some sympathy and help. She& #39;d show insight, you& #39;d feel positive...and then...2 days later, it was like you& #39;d made up the conversation and she would claim you were trying to make her feel crazy. I tried reaching out later
As an adult. We even briefly attended therapy. Every time I tried, she was just as bad as before and I couldn& #39;t do it. For years I panicked that I would be like her. I ducked conflict & would roll over, I never admitted feeling sad or down. It took years to realise & #39;I was ME& #39;.
I naturally don& #39;t have a temper, but don& #39;t mind speaking out. I& #39;m naturally upbeat BUT feel so much better admitting I& #39;m having a bad day or need a hug.
Many people say, & #39;but it& #39;s your mum? Don& #39;t you miss her now you& #39;re a parent?& #39; My answer is no. Sounds bad, but not having
Many people say, & #39;but it& #39;s your mum? Don& #39;t you miss her now you& #39;re a parent?& #39; My answer is no. Sounds bad, but not having
Contact has been...freeing. You adapt. Me, I had other family. All you need is love. My dad, sister and I are SO close. It& #39;s made me a nicer person too - I think. Mum, who was later diagnosed with BPD, had rich parents who paid for therapy. She would start, blame the therapist
