I know how I look to you, I'm not stupid. I look like a whore. Not "sex worker" because when I walk by White ladies they don't say "sex worker" they say "whore". Often loudly. There's no point in being polite or saying it's not like that because those are the words used.

You don't need to DM me gentle hints that my appearance is the issue, and that countless doors would open, and countless problems it would solve, the important people who would be more comfortable interacting with me if I "toned it down". I'm not stupid. I know.

If you've seen my videos you know my own people don't look at me or talk about me that way. I was surprised when discovered foreigners did. Then I saw it was everything to them. My style of high-femme Dee has no safe, acceptable place outside the ecosystem I live in.

(No dudes, this is not your cue for a staggeringly clueless reply about you're pretty sure I'd be fine in X city, you're wrong and just don't know it).

If could choose tomorrow, flip a switch, of course I'd choose to be heterosexual with normal gender expression. I've tried- holy shit did I try. If I could pray it away or take a pill- sign me up.

No one in their right mind can imagine STEM education while looking to Westerners like Asian Hooker #3 from a Hollywood action movie is an optimal business model? It's not a cognitive blindspot, I know what my appearance costs me, I know what's marketable, what people can accept.

At this point, overall my presentation and gender expression definitely hurts me professionally, so if sometimes my lack of shyness helps of course I'm going to squeeze all I can out of that to compensate for what it costs me.

I see what the top STEM & DIY women look like. I know all the professional doors my appearance closes. People that I respect treat me with revulsion because to them it's impossible that my appearance could be explained by anything but a deficiency of character or lack of agency.

Sure, I have a shit backstory that neatly explains it all- who doesn't? But sacrificing my privacy even more to share that doesn't change anything, just increases my attack surface.

For what? Even if I went into my backstory it would not matter. I'd still be out-group, still fair game for constant attack, still look like I do, and still disgust and offend the majority of Westerners I come in contact with.

I like how I look, but yes it's completely incompatible with my actual profession. My appearance is not about sex, or any kind of fetish thing. It's about my past and not something I can change enough to satisfy those who have a problem with it.

Some girls are pants girls and some girls are dress girls. Some pants girls, force them into a frilly dress and you have someone too miserable to function effectively. On that spectrum of gender expression, out of billions there are going to be some way off on one end. That's me.

I appreciate the advice is well intentioned. Yes, nearly all of the hostility and exclusion I face can be traced to one root cause- my gender expression is unacceptable outside my environment. I assure you, if it were easily addressed I would have done so already.