Sheldon Cooper Quotes

A Thread

(P.S. He’s not crazy. His mother had him tested.)

I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14. While my brother was getting an STD I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can’t take this away.

Raj: I don’t like bugs okay. They freak me out
Sheldon: Interesting, you’re afraid of women and insects. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon: why are you crying

Penny: because I’m stupid
Sheldon: that’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and that makes me sad.

Leonard: I did a bad thing

Sheldon: Does it affect me?

Leonard: no

Sheldon: then suffer in silence.

Leonard: our babies will be smart and beautiful

Sheldon: not to mention imaginary.

Penny: oh big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun.

Sheldon:”not knowing is part of the fun” was that the motto of your community college?

Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out if you kill a starfish it'll just come back to life.

Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.

Penny: Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.

Sheldon: Too slow?

Penny: Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together.

Sheldon: That's right. It's called foreplay.

Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?

Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.

Sheldon: If you're going to replace

Wolowitz, I need to know a little bit more about you.

Stuart: All right.

Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?

Stuart: I went to art school.

Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let's go.

Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

Penny: Oh, God.

Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.

Penny: Do you even know who Lady Gaga is?

Sheldon: Presumably the wife of Lord Gaga.

Wait, you bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.

Leonard: Just get some rest and drink lots of fluids

Sheldon: What else would I drink? Solids? Gases? Ionized plasma?

Leonard: we think we can help you with your stage fright

Sheldon: oh I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way and I'm much smarter than all of you.

Penny: yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.

Sheldon: oh I'm sorry, that is what I meant

Under normal circumstances I'd say I told you so. But, as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency already the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase, I have informed you thusly.

Penny: Sheldon you’re a smart guy. You must know

Sheldon: smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart

Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?

Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-men.

Sheldon: Can I respond now?

Leonard: Do it.

Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm about to show this guy just how horny I can be.

Leonard: Somebody else do it.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

Adam Nimoy: Nice to meet you.

Sheldon: Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much.
It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life's journey began in my hero's scrotum

Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore

Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact

There’s no denying that I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Sheldon: Thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits?' Does he provide her with health insurance?

Penny: This is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.

Sheldon: Sarcasm?

Amy: Yes.

Sheldon: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

Penny: can you just tell me what Leonard does?

Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.

Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.

Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se - that is to say representing himself.

Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.

Sheldon: Yet you wound up in traffic court.

Wolowitz: But you love that spot.

Sheldon: No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater.

Zack: You're inferring I'm stupid.

Sheldon: That's not correct. We implied you're stupid, you then inferred it.

Penny: Honey, have you ever run before?

Sheldon: Certainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistent PE teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

Leonard: Have you considered telling her how you feel?

Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.

Amy: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon: I did.

Amy: And how did it make you feel?

Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying ... basically another day at the office.

Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.

Sheldon: What are the sleeping arrangements? We've only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room people might talk.

Sheldon: If I could I would, but I can’t so I shan’t.

His wedding vows

Amy, I usually know exactly what to say, but in this moment, I have no words. I guess I'm overwhelmed by you. In a good way not in the elevator in a haunted mansion way
Even if I can't tell you now how I feel, I will spend my life showing you how much I love you

Okay so BANZINGA PUNK, NOW WE’RE EVEN

Thank you for reading x