I am an information hoarder. Tonight I decided to clean out my phone contacts, an act I have never completed in the 12 years of transferring data from phone to phone.

These are their stories.

*dun dun*

(A #thread )

My first and only pot dealer. Who lived across the street from me in a city I moved away from 5 years ago. Whose name is Apple.

Delete!

(a process that requires FIVE STEPS on an iPhone, BY THE WAY)

My ex-fiancé’s mom, whose house I almost bought in veryrichverywhite suburb of Indianapolis. Where I probably would have raised 2 kids by the time I was 30.

Delete!

Fellow burlesque troupe member, who I think had to leave to group even before we had our marquee performance at that nudist camp swingers conference in BFE, Wisconsin? That sucks for her.

Delete!

Co-worker from a decade ago who maybe I led on at some point, but just because I was being Midwest Lady polite and had a reputation for being a hot mess after happy hour.

Delete!

(don’t you wanna clean out your phone now and tell me what you find?! i might do this all night)

Road comic who told me to text him so I could “open for him” in the middle of nowhere. Who did not see me perform.

Delete!

Veterinarian in East Hollywood who refused to learn my name and just called me “mom.”

Delete!

Another burlesque-er. He definitely was at the nudist camp show.

Delete!

College campus police department, who was notorious for ignoring and denying sexual assault! That was cool!

Delete!

I think this guy was on my rec league dodgeball team in 2013?

Delete!

SEVERAL coworkers who witnessed me being embarrassingly drunk from 2010-2012. Many of whom bought me drinks, okay?!

Delete!

It would be, like, REALLY weird if I ever contacted my old therapist (from, again, old city), wouldn’t it?

Delete!

Ohhhhh! I totally forgot I had a boss that really didn’t like me once! It was very weird and still kind of stings, tbh.

Delete!

I think I messaged this person on OKCupid on several separate occasions from 2008-2011, each time forgetting the time before. We never met, possibly never even really texted!

Delete!

Friend of a friend in Madison, who loved to tell me how much I would *LOVE* being polyamorous.

Delete!

(honestly, i feel lighter already! just moving all the information over here instead!)

I...truly have no idea who this woman is, but Google tells me she’s a successful entrepreneur in NYC now, so congrats, former apartment manager or person who interviewed me for a job or friend I never met from xanga!

Delete!

A handful of friend’s exes or ex’s friends. In case of an emergency that never occurred 7 years ago.

Delete!

Woman who lived in the apartment where I Airbnb’d for the first time. I slept in her bedroom and she slept on the couch. Los Angeles has been wild to me from jump.

Delete!

Cool graphic designer lady who ran the Meetup group I went to where we burned mix CDs for each other in Madison, Wisconsin. Seven years ago, I think?

Delete!

College nemesis!

Fuck, he might actually follow me on Twitter.

Delete!