Alta Moda 2019 extreme couture. #FashionWatch This is next level couture-isn't-expensive-enough fashion. It's an arm of Dolce & Gabanna, they haul their customers and a few critics to new places each year or so for a super fancy show. Valentino has started up the same thing --

-- and a few others are looking into it, so I'm calling it Destination Couture but I'm not sure the Critics that Be have settled on a name yet.

This one celebrates all things Italian, as D&G likes to do. It's held in a Roman temple. Really.

They're doing their own jewelry line now too, so that's also part of the mix; I'll be ogling clothes and jewels this time around.

The photos are enormous and zoom-able.

Looking forward to y'all puzzling over which Roman whatzit is represented per look.

Look one I think is just the glory of Rome. I think I need sunglasses; the bead work in this is beyond belief and I'll say what I always say at Alta Moda shows; I hope their people are getting paid right.

Necklace looks like citrines? Hell, probably yellow diamonds.

Gilded feathers, gold fringe, probably moonstones around the neck... Icarus? Was that a Roman crossover? I know my Greek mythology better.

Diana, I'm assuming.

They even researched the archery, although she's holding the bow wrong. Even if she shoots left-handed.

Necklace looks like cameos or cameo seashells.

The sandals on all of these are historically incorrect, ridiculous, and look painful.

More gilded feathers and sequins, fairly simple gauze top and earrings. Maybe she's Zeus' scullery maid.

Mercury, also holding her bow upside down.

The wings are a hoot. Wonder if they'll actually sell them with the dress; I imagine some of these folks hold high-end costume balls. Other than the wings that's a pretty simple look. For these definitions of simple.

There are tentacled critters of some kind on the jewelry, but damn that's beautiful. Are those anthurium leaves at the neck?

I assume from the lemon around her neck and the emeralds everywhere else, we're looking at Persephone, but why's the gown gotta be so blurgh? Green would sure work. Or a green brown gradient, that'd be perfect.

No idea. Those could be arrows in her hand.

That's a whole lotta look, innit?

Given the crown and the amethysts and - who is that? - the age of the lady in question, as well as the black and gold, I'm going with Hera. Juno. Her.

The pendant of the necklace looks like a heart, but otherwise all I've got is a golden dress version of a Roman fresco.

Damn I hope their beaders get paid enough.

Right, taking a break every ten outfits. This is a monster collection (seventy looks, I think?) and I have to get up and move around. Also when I do things like this my mentions explode. So. Back in a few with more insanity.

No idea, but as a sewist (not a good one) I'm impressed as hell with how they managed the surface decoration and the cut of the jacket and pleats in the skirt.

The crosses are really making me sneer; Mr D and Mr G trying to suck up to the Church over all the pagan imagery.

What with the snakes I assume Medusa but even counting the emeralds MEDUSA DESERVES BETTER YOU FUCKERS! Also you'd think they'd do her hair differently, FFS.

Yes, yes, the dress is cut perfectly. STILL. One snake brooch ain't gonna cut it.

One of Pompeii's sex workers? Do the soles of the sandals say "this way for a good time"? (They really did have sandals with a variation of that on the soles.)

(She's carrying a book purse; muse, maybe?)

-sneers at the cross earrings- Fucking cowards.

Behold again the glory of Roman architecture!

Okay, if you look closely, that leopard 'print' is done with beads. So have a moment of respect.

More heroic deeds with Herc, or is this celebrating their 'conquest' of Africa? (They didn't get much and it took a long time. Go, Carthage.)

Floral necklace is lovely.

Looks like olive leaves in the tiara/bandeau, diamond jewelry, a golden egg evening bag, and white.

Behold the architecture of Rome, again? Zeus in swan form, that skeeve? I got nothin'.

Extremely simple cut (or made to look that way) with lots of pearls. Beach time?

This'd make a nice day dress for the ultra-rich person.

THIS might be Persephone? Floral bandeau, brown/dried flowers on the gown.

And may I say that's a shitload of Irish Crochet and I hope their people get paid well.

Pearls and maybe garnets in the jewelry.

Flowers, with a smile over the bosom (I DON'T KNOW EITHER), flowers, some bright white or mother of pearl, flowers, and I think the jewelry has flowers on it, not kidding.

Did Rome have a muse of statuary? Asking for the hand on her head. That's some, uh, fascinator.

Mood goddess maybe? Lots of pearls, and the wee evening clutch is in silver or platinum rather than gold.

Another break for drugs. (Real ones. I mean, uh, prescribed.)

Seriously, though, got an explanation for that hand on the model's head? 'Cause I want one.

I think it may be "Behold the wonders of Roman statuary! [that we ripped off of Greek bronzes]".

Okay, hate to be a downer but one more round of ten and then I'm shutting down for the night. The collection's enormous, I'd never get through it anyway if I want to sleep.

Next, behold the glories of the Agean, and my shiny gold underoos!

Jewelry looks like black/silver pearls, miniatures, and wads of used chewing gum.

I like the fabric, but otherwise, I got nothin'.

The earrings are harps with emeralds (I assume) top and bottom.

The cloak says 'shepherd's cloak the uber-expensive way!' but again, nothin'. Didn't shepherds then play pan pipes? This another muse, maybe?

Space senator's Ancient Greece fan tee shirt!

Behold the glory of neo-Classical upholstery fabric!

I don't know about you, but I'm already over the empire waistline, especially since nothing about this is historically accurate.

The jewelry is miniature paintings, really mini. Bet they'd tell us something if we could see them.

The dress is... very... yes. Isn't it.

We've got vines, we've got wheat, we've got... leaves of some kind... Demeter? Who else?

I should probably be impressed that her arms come out of the cape precisely at the people's ears, but mostly it's creeping me out.

I'm betting Narcissus on this one, I can't make out what's going on with the jewelry and kinda don't want to.

I don't care who this is, I just want her necklace and earrings.

(If this is Poseidon I am highly annoyed because I could do a better interpretation of Poseidon than this.)

This one's necklace says Sicilia? If that means anything other than an island. Or is this the rock and the last one was the whirlpool? Wasn't that Greek?

YES I FLUNKED ANCIENT HISTORY THANK YOU.

This concludes this evening's confusion, and we'll be back tomorrow for more beholding of Roman architecture, among other things. (IT GETS MORE BONKERS.)

Okey doke, let's try and get in another ten, twenty tonight. There are almost 120 looks in this show so it's going to be a while.

This one I like, but have no idea who it alludes to, if anyone.

Interpretation of the ancient Greek LBD? (Which didn't exist at the time.)

Archery nerd here, I looked up and the Greeks and therefore Romans at least knew about the recurve bow, which is what these are. There are depictions of them on pots. But they should be held string up if you intend to use it in the next two minutes --

-- and for right handed shooters, they should be carried in the LEFT hand.

Also most archers carried their bows cross-body with arms around it, per Legolas in LotR. They were fragile, expensive, and for archers, often their only major weapon.

Okay, got that out of my system.

I believe we may have multiple takes on the same legendary figure, or we've got more than one Gorgon running around because this seems like a better take on Medusa, even if black wasn't a traditional color then.

They should be using a super dark almost black purple for the power color all through this, because that was the color used for Emperors' togas and all that. But hey, nothing else is correct, and look, sparkle panties!

And the crosses still make me want to smack Mr D and Mr G for their hypocrisy. It's pagan, get over it. You chose the theme, don't try and Christian it up now.

Behold, the floral beauty of the Italian peninsula? I have no idea what's going on here, but I think those super opaque and dense edges on floaty sheer fabric is kinda ??

I think those edges are beaded, which, holy shit.

Behold, the floral beauty of the Italian peninsula!

The color makes a nice shift from all the black, white, and gold we've been seeing, and a "floaty girl dress" as I call them, with the floral, will always sell. Jewelry's nice too.

The way that skirt is moving, I think those opaque panels are beaded, which means that thing weighs a ton, as did the dress before it.

I hope their people get paid right.

BWAH! I love this dress. I hope they were aiming for camp because it is HILARIOUS, as well as pretty. Entire hydrangea flower balls for sleeves. Haha. The rest is a lovely print, it's a nice dress. Persephone in summer? Have we ditched mythology yet?

That necklace there is just a pile of floral motifs, so I like it.

I think one reason we're seeing so many garnets is, it's one of the few gemstones found in Europe. That and amber and semi-precious things like citrine and moonstone we're seeing.

Behold the beauty of marble garden urns! Italy did quite a business in those during the neo-Classical craze in the late 1700s, early 1800s. Also copies of famous statues, etc.

Nice dress. A slip might work better than the gold bra.

The jewelry here seems like a bunch of jumbled cameos and intaglios - traditional Roman jewels. Earrings are garnet and pearl, the bracelet might be cameos.

Sylvia the Extremely Wealthy Dryad's favorite dress for spring time.

Really. That's just pretty. Bet a pink or lavender lining would slay.

GREAT SHOES, THOUGH!

The reason they don't line this stuff? I think comes down to sheer laziness. Because I'll bet most customers order this stuff lined and super high-end couture like this, at the prices they charge, the answer to is "can you line it in purple" should always be yes.

Behold, the - blah blah.

WHY are we getting a load of sparkle underoos on this one??

The jewelry looks like enameled florals but I can't tell up against the random floral of the dress.

And garnets.

Super gorgeous riff on a Gilded Era garden party dress.

Hell, Europe's had a variation on this dress with shifted hem- or waist-lines for at least three hundred years. More floral jewelry.

Gorgeous. I think it's embroidered lace, not Irish Crochet.

And the shoes. Tempted to make a pair of my own. I can do ribbonwork, all it takes is some sewing and a glue gun.

Behold the glory of Italy's garden fences, and pillars, and-

I hope this is another one that was aiming for camp because I love it and it's hilarious.

Also note, the floral dresses don't all look alike.

AND THEN.

We get into the serious dresses. Looks like garnet beads for the necklace. Simple garnet studs in the ears.

This one looks like heavy gold chain for jewelry, I'm not even discussing the fascinator.

These are all stunning. I don't know what the Met Gala's theme is this year but I bet someone will wear one of these. (The collection's been out since last year.)

Maybe amethysts.

Any sewists want to guess at the yardage in these skirts?

This one looks like panels of cutwork and reeeeeally small fillet crochet. Imagine if it was lined in a nice teal or even a sunflower yellow depending on the wearer.

GREAT SHOES THOUGH!

This one's gorgeous, though the Edwardian necklace (garnets and diamonds) with the neo-Classical dress kinda breaks me a little. Looks like sheer inset panels, with rhinestones and pearls for accent.

I suspect they're going for the uber riche wedding market with these, when there's a civil ceremony and a religious one and a change again for the reception. The last one even had a hint of veiling hanging off the marble column on her head.

Possibly the loveliest wrap-around white on white dress ever. THE JEWELRY IS MADE OF GRAPES. Bride of/acolyte to Dionysus? They had those, didn't they? Do I remember that?

And another swoopy floral, very nice. You could put this on anyone of any age. The jewelry is birds - golden and enameled - among lots of gemstones. The earrings appear to be golden hummingbirds.

Great shoes, though.

Last one of the night. Y'know how the beginning of the second half is where they 'hide' the bonkers stuff? We're there. And it's as bonkers as these florals are good. So tune in tomorrow, I guess.

Looking at the rest of this, we MAY be out of the Roman pantheon and into "Behold the [whatever] glory of Italy!" along with some... I don't even know. I'll let y'all puzzle with me when we get to it.

BEHOLD, THE GLORY OF OUR CORAL JEWELS! day suit edition. With fingerless gloves. Fuck you, Karl. Ahaha.

This is a really flattering color but the random scraggles of WTELF aren't doing it any favors.

The most beautiful bathrobe I've ever seen. With a nightgown under it?

I don't actually think this is lingerie or night wear but that long coat-dress, those turn into bathrobes if you're not careful. Needs a waist and some heels.

Gorgeous, though.

Behold, the glory of our scraggly-ass metaphor (analogy?) of coral! Dress edition.

Scrape all the scurf out of it and fit it a little, and you'd have a great dress.

Multi-colored gemstone necklace and coral cross earrings, cowards.

Yellow Roman motif tweed (I can't believe I typed that sentence) with a filmy cape thing.

They did a great job with her face makeup, looks lovely, but her arms and legs still look a little purple.

Dawn of the Walking Roman Goddess We Can't Identify.

She can't believe she's walking a runway with a head on her head, either.

Dress is super simple, super sparkly, and is that a bit of gradient, white to yellow to white?

Jewels are something gold. Woo, that's helpful.

Oh cool, and it's sheerish so we can behold her godly underoos.

Yellow fuck-you-Karl suit with what are probably supposed to be rhinestone flowers but look like confused snowflakes.

Is there a sun goddess in the house? Flora? She should be more floral, right?

I don't even know. Shame they couldn't find not-white models for these.

This is just pitiful. Can I have ten yards of the fabric? I can cover a chair with it. Looks too stiff to use for clothes. WHY didn't they pleat the waist FFS?

The jewelry is gold sun circles at the neck and statuary heads from her ears. Sooper klassy.

I can't figure what's with the fabric of the dress, other than beaded surface decoration - I think.

Are you over the empire waists? I am.

The necklace and earrings are made of either off-color light green aquamarines, or tourmaline or something. Yummy.

Oh yeah, and the cape

If we're still going with goddesses, I'm guessing Demeter or Persephone in a good mood. I can't figure out the fruit in the jewelry, they look like cherries but are prickly. Lychee? (Haha.)

The dress is boring as hell but fit nicely and would look good on a lot of people.

WHY DIDN'T THEY LINE THE GODDAMN THING IN A BLUE IN THE SAME TONE AS THE EMBROIDERY???

I don't think we're supposed to read this as "Behold the influences in our culture, including Muslim!" but that's how I'm reading it. Or would if it was lined and modest. JFC.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF D&G'S LACE WORKERS! If it was lined you might figure out WTF the meanings are!

The earrings look like pizzelles, which is a nice cultural reference.

Hey, this one's lined. With a cape-thingie. Doesn't make any more sense, but we can see the work of their lace people better.

The necklace is a jumble of stuff and the earrings are little heads again. It's getting creepy.

These last two were either beaded (dear Zeus - no, Jupiter), or white work on sheer fabric, marginally easier and less fussy to do. Maybe.

Fuck yeah. If that's what we're stuck with, at least this is a fab example of it. Silver coins and moonstones set in gold for the jewelry.

Fuck yes. This is fabulous down to the choice of lipstick.

I THINK the dress is gathered at one shoulder. The earrings are chandeliers.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF ITALIAN SILK-WORKERS WHO PROBABLY DIDN'T MAKE THIS FABRIC!

I really can't even.

The earrings look like really nice shell cameos, though.

Fuck yeah. Jewelry looks like amethyst and sapphires.

Juno in a good mood? Aphrodite ready to walk a red carpet?

BEHOLD THE GREEK CIRCUS WE'VE DECIDED IS ROMAN?

Seriously, y'all, this is like something a glitching computer spit out of an open "Greek pottery motifs" folder.

The pinkish fuzz at the neck appears to be coral beads around a pink I PRAY TO ARACHNE fake stone. Trying to be flowers. I think.

If we've GOT to go apeshit with the Greek/Roman motifs, this isn't a bad job of it. Nice day suit. The jewelry is pink roses, really pretty.

I like it. Granted I can't stop laughing and think it's Ambassador Troi worthy, but something about it, maybe the color family, makes it hang together to be INTERESTING chaos.

She's wearing a tiara/crown, maybe we're getting into the Roman empire? Is this Nero's mom?

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF ITALIAN PAINTING! And a coral bodice that doesn't match, for some reason.

Cut the skirt off, put loosely fitted peach silk moire on there and hey, a dress that doesn't make you giggle.

Extremely busy but okay cloak if you're looking to be the Elton John of Roman shepherds.

I wanna know more about the blue dress under it.

I know this looks like the end of an opera but we're barely halfway.

She needed to stand there and sing, to give that costume any validity.

Ah, the Roman fan art section of the show.

Give me the necklace, burn the dress.

^^ That is look number 41 of 95.

I'd probably let it go, but we need something to laugh at and it gets super ridiculous at points. We're just entering into the second half, the spot where they hide the OMG stuff.

Righto, look 42. (I had food. That may make me less rabid, but I wouldn't put money on it.)

Clearly meant to be Zeus. How does one hold a cocktail, with a shield and lightning bolts in their hands? More metallic panties... can I have the knee guards as cuff bracelets?

Also, Zendaya wore it better. As always. (Joan of Arc, Met Gala, 2018.)

The tiara, the green of the bodice and sleeves, and the gown as a whole, say Demeter. (Or whoever she was in Rome, I know the Greek versions better.)

The skirt, however, says Viking bar brawl in Valhalla.

So confused.

Uuuuh. Nice belt, though?

OH MY FUCKING GOD AN OUTFIT YOU COULD WEAR AS-IS.

Looks like a bedsheet toga and half-assed daywear, which considering the cost... well. But it's wearable. Look! They can do it!

The sparkly shoulder strap totally makes it couture.

And I don't know WTF is with the horse-shoe jewelry but they're hanging them upside down so the luck runs out. Dumbasses.

OMG, another one. The color's great for the not-white part of the planet, and I love the peep of gold at the neckline, that matches the belt. I hope the shoes are sensible and similar. The jewelry is a head-scratcher, but it always is. Apollo? Sun god?

I bet this is hilarious, live. Watching models try to do the runway walk in flats.

However I do think it's humane, considering the number of steps they're going up and down.

Well I'll take the jewelry, we know I'm a sucker for Medusa. Not getting the color, though. Blood of her enemies? But then why pink?

Anyway, it's another wearable toga-style dress.

Of course Ralph and Russo did it better, but that was in 2019 so I guess it was maybe a ripoff.

Still better, though

Skipping the portion where I bitch about visible underpinnings, I wonder if this is aimed straight at the bridal market. Wall of white fluff, and red roses (symbolizing love; the jewelry) everywhere? A bride could do worse.

The model is stunning with the headpiece and earrings.

Stop it at the bottom of the necklace and give the model an entirely different dress. She's lovely.

AND THEN THEY DRESSED UP A MODEL AS A REDWARE POT OR TEN. I laughed out loud the first time I saw it. Feel sorry for the model, but this is HILARIOUS.

She needs a chunk of terra-cotta for a fascinator.

"Hey, we're doing a collection on Rome and the ancient world."

-five days later when they're out of ideas-

"How about a pot?"

LMAO

And then a redware coat over matching redware trousers and a silk gauze blouse with a giant English Barrister Almost bunch of ruffles and bows.

With a gold book for a purse and gold cuffs on the coat. Or as bracelets, who knows.

I hope they pay their people right.

"Wait, we need a cocktail version."

-falls down laughing-

The model's face. I feel you, babe.

These are the ones that bum me out, they almost get it. Motifs instead of the pots works well, look at it, but then they just could resist Behold The Glory Of Rome on the skirt. Missed it by that much.

Golden panties again, though!

More pottery, this one entirely sequined. Wonder what it weighs.

I feel like we should be yelling for a ceramics expert to weigh in on this, I bet they' be flabbergasted.

If they'd done the whole thing gold with the black sorta-peplum waist, it could have been better.

So many near misses in this collection.

All right, thank you, we have arrived at the goddess dress portion of the proceedings, thank you. It's lovely. Wondering if this was also aimed at the bridal market, but the cut an colors are really easy to wear.

The olive leaves mean it's Hera again? Juno, whoever?

I think she's carrying a harp, so it's probably a muse. The necklace and tiara are boring but okay.

The dress looks like underclothes. Decent underthings, but I'm still waiting to see the dress.

Shouldn't the muse of music dress like Ziggy Stardust?

Simple white toga-ish dress with a sheer gold sleeveless shirt under it. This stuff has gotta be aimed at the bridal market.

Unless I can order it dip-dyed, purple to aqua? Please?

Oh gods, that poor woman had a pot on her backside.