You are ALWAYS training your children. Always. (A Thread)

If you give your child a command, ("lights out, no talking"), and do not enforce the command, then you are training your children to ignore you.

If you want a peaceful home, then learn to make your words have meaning.

That means you must "Inspect what you Expect."

I made a very simple agreement with myself early my fatherhood:

"I will not give a command that I am unwilling to enforce First Time, Every Time."

That made me really careful with my words. I knew that I would have to followup on any command I gave my children, so I had very few rules. The rules in my house were PRINCIPLES rather than LAWS.

When they were young, I wanted a quiet, peaceful home.

I wanted me children to become self-regulating.
I wanted them to adopt my values.
But children don't have the reasoning capacity of adults.
So I thought long and hard about it:

"How can I impart my VALUE of a quiet, peaceful home to a house of young children?"
The rule I came up with was "Calm, Quiet & Slow."
My children understood the difference between "Calm and Not-Calm", between "Quiet and Not-Quiet" and between "Slow and Not-Slow."

So, when they were being wild, loud, crazy in the house, I could always bring them back to reflect upon that ONE RULE:
"Calm, Quiet & Slow."

I had that ONE RULE, and I enforced it FIRST TIME, EVERY TIME.

The single message I wish to convey is this, "everything you do is training your children."

Make sure you are delivering the message you intend.

One of the constant failures I observe with parents is this: they try to train BEHAVIOR instead of VALUES.

If your kids learn to BEHAVE the way you want, but do not internalize the values behind the behavior, then they will CHANGE their behavior when you aren't around.

Then the challenge becomes, how do you convey VALUES, which is an abstraction, to a mind that is not yet capable of abstract reasoning?
You simplify it down to the types of behavior they can observe in themselves.

That's where my "Calm Quiet Slow" rule came from.
I knew my 4 year old could tell that he was being loud, wild and running around.
And that allowed him to learn to self-regulate.

Study your child like you study the gnarly problems of existence.
Understand the stages of cognitive development.
Children do not possess abstract reasoning ability until around puberty.

(That's why they become little lawyers as they enter puberty: They begin to understand *principles* and they will recognize and call out your hypocrisy in an instant.)

I failed MISERABLY to understand my first born.
He was a natural-born pleaser, and I completely failed to recognize that.
I was so BRUTALLY hard on him it still gives me pain.
He has graciously completely forgiven me for my failures and is now one of my best friends.

But I'll tell you, realizing how thoroughly I failed with him was one of the great griefs of my life.

I was a much better father with #2, #3 & #4.

My oldest is phenomenally stubborn.
I think that's why he was able to survive my failures as a father.
I plead with you fathers: become a student of each of your children.
Understand their drives.

Create consequences for misbehavior that employ their own drives, so that they learn to internalize your values.
And never, ever forget that you are constantly training them.
Especially in the years from birth through puberty.

One of the very best pieces of advice I was ever given is this:
When I was a young parent, I asked my mentor how to know if I should discipline for a particular behavior.
He told me, "imagine them doing the same thing, only expressed as an 18 year old."
That helped a ton.

Some things that are merely irritating in a child of 2 would be criminal in an 18 year old.
So - in the immortal words of Barney Fife,
"Nip it! Nip it in the bud!"