I grew up in a single parent household. My mom did not graduate highschool and worked housekeeping jobs until I was a toddler. Which meant most of my time was spent with family members until she got off work.

I was raised around mostly women and did not have male role models.

Growing up I knew that I was different from my friends but I didn't know why or understand the impact those feelings would have on me as I grew up. Some of my earliest memories are being molested by family friends and relatives.

I was a bed-wetter well into my teens...

It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realized why I had horrific nightmares and struggled with the embarrassment of wetting the bed when most kids outgrew that as toddlers.

I spent a lot of my childhood alone, I had some friends but given the choice I isolated myself.

I was brought up in church and from a very young age I was aware of sin and what the consequences of that sin meant if not covered by Jesus.

I attended a private school and most of my family attended the church. Their prayers are part of the reason I'm still alive today.

I struggled heavily with rebellion and violent outbursts towards authority figures. When asked why I was always so angry I could never pinpoint a root cause, I just was.

At myself, my mom, the world.
I didn't know why I was hurting or what was causing it, I just was.

As I got older family members were coming out, I sought more and more for validation of the feelings I was having. I looked to movies, tv shows and pornography. All the while silencing that small voice telling me "This is not my plan for you"

I kept going.

In my heart I knew that what I was feeling was not my own doing but I didn't have the strength or wisdom to know how to combat the spiritual aspects that were manifesting in the natural.

I began to seek out relationships with people who were equally as broken...

Still having terrifying dreams, brushing them off and hoping that small voice would go away and I could find the happiness I sought in the arms of people I knew I was not meant to be with.

I had a curiosity for the things of God, I believed the bible, I knew the battle was spiritual and yet it didn't stop me from acting on my feelings and placing my emotions above what I knew to be true.

Rebellion opens doors that are hard to close.

As a teen I started dabbling in witchcraft, learning occult practices absorbing everything and anything I felt might give me power. That's what happens when you feel powerless and choose to run from the creator and his purpose.

You're vulnerable to deception.

Secretly, I hated myself. I wanted death, I sought it. As a child I nearly suffocated and would have died if it were not for my uncle who saved my life. In my early 20's a roommate gave me what I thought was weed and nearly died. I was close, it terrified me.

When you live your life running from the truth, knowing you're called for a purpose and God's hand is on your life, it's terrifying to know that you are on your way to face him and you have no excuses.

This is likely the reason [They] seek to live forever. But I digress.

You'd think that life changing event would be enough to set me on the right path for good. Eventually the fear faded and the feelings regained their strongholds. At this point I was determined to find happiness in everything but God.

Spoiler: It's impossible.

I started dating a man I was truly in love with, or at least what I thought was love. I later found out he too was molested as a child and carried much of the same brokenness I carried. I left my family, moved out of state and we started to build a life together.

There were happy times, but we both had severe issues we could not resolve on our own. I began drinking heavily, alcohol was never an issue for me. I drank as a teen just to fit in or with family at gatherings but this was different, I couldn't stop. Nor did I desire to.

While we were together, I still remember breaking down one day doing laundry asking God why I couldn't have desires that pleased him, why does this have to be my cross to bear?

No response.

I composed myself and went on my way. We had parties, created friendships...

Even talked about marriage, had debates and in depth conversations about religion and faith. It was those interactions as well as the ones with three very close coworkers that I believe God used to help me hold a mirror to my face...

I claimed to be a Christian, but I had no relationship with Jesus. I prayed here and there & in times of trouble. My spiritual walk had peaks and valleys throughout my life but for the most part it was superficial. I set the terms and tied God's hands.

He can't violate our will

I found myself giving feedback from a place of biblical knowledge because I knew it to be true but struggled to apply it in my own life.

I would get into fiery arguments with my one coworker about abortion and leftist narratives he supported...

It baffled me how he could support such things and claim to love God who says that those things stand in opposition to him and his word.

Then came that mirror.

I was living in opposition to God because I placed how I feel above trusting his word and his purpose.

Boom.

I couldn't shake it, it chewed me up. All the hurt and self destructive behaviors, the lies I told myself to make my choices tolerable. It melted. I broke.

One night I went to bed first, I started crying and asking God to forgive me. To help me.

That night a video popped up in my recommendations on Youtube.

This is that video.

I'm not able to paste the link. Imagine that.

I listened to every word this woman spoke, it's like she was talking directly to me.

After watching this, I knew two things.

1. God really did love me as I was in that very moment at my most broken. And that he was always there.

2. If he was willing to offer me forgiveness and healing that I should be willing to listen to what he says.

The next morning, I got up. Still in a relationship and terrified that I was going to have to end it.

The thoughts came..

We built a life
How will he react
I don't want to hurt him
We've been through so much

I wrestled for days, agonizing. I loved him.

But so does God.

We talked. He was crushed, but he said he saw it coming because of the conversations we'd had and that he understood.

I struggled. But I wanted to love God and be obedient to the best of my ability. I no idea what that looked like I just knew I had to try.

The following weeks were heavy but also very uplifting. I was tested and tried.

I encountered a young woman who was putting herself through classes for her CDL. I helped her with rides to class and we talked, I found out she was a lesbian who had also been seeking God.

We had some very heated discussions but we listened to one another and helped each other simply by knowing there was no judgement.

She too was molested as a child.

Notice a pattern?
Doors are being opened when children are sexualized at a young age.

We must close them.

At this point I was doing a lot of self reflection and God was showing me some of the reasons why I struggled with the things that I had.

Being molested opened doors.
Generational sins opened doors.
Dabbling in witchcraft opened doors.
Disobedience opened doors.

I knew God wanted me to move in a specific direction and I allowed fear to cause me to be disobedient.

It was a very big mistake.

I fell back into my sin, I hid it.
The shame returned, I stopped praying, I lost my open communication with him. I'm still fighting to regain it.

This brings me to the reasons I believe I was targeted.

1. I have been very outspoken about things that are pushed as harmless.

2. I know God is real and that he loves each one of us, because I've experienced that love.

3. Our battle is not flesh and blood.

4. Satan is the ruler of this world and anyone who delights in the things of this world. Telling people that puts a bullseye on you.

5. Giving into sinful desires knowing full well they give satan access to you. Close the doors.

@threadreaderapp unroll