I am literally seven (7) pages into The Three Musketeers and D'Artagnan has already started a brawl in a town square over a local laughing at his hooptie ass hand-me-down horse and I'm just

Will he always be like this because lmfao
"A man of fifty cannot long bear malice with a wife of twenty-three" ew.
Wow and after all of that he was like "I SPENT A *WHOLE DAY* IN PRISON IDGAF ABOUT YOUR PUSSY"

A whole entire day, poor bb
FUCK MADAM LANDLORD JUST LET SLIP THAT THIS WAS AN ORDER FRON THE QUEEN
FUCK AND THE LANDLORD IS GOING TO TELL THE DUDE THAT KIDNAPPED HER!!! FUCK!!!
Fkkfkgkgkgk not D'Artagnan verbally sliding into madam labdlord's DMs after he heard her cussing out her husband through the floor 💀 shoot your shot bb
CHAPTER 17: FIN~

D'Artagnan's all in her business like
CHAPTER 18: LOVER AND HUSBAND i'm so relieved by the clear implication that madam landlord cheats on her wack ass BROKE ass husband with (admittedly also broke ass) fine ass D'Artagnan, BLESS
Mrs. Landlord: H-
D'Artagnan, without saying hello:
Mrs.Landlord: So you heard that whole conversation huh
D'Artagnan: yuh
D'Artagnan: I also heard that you're looking for a man to travel to England, and well
Mrs. Landlord: oh goddammit
D'Artagnan: *gestures to himself*
Dlldkfkf not D'Artagnan just straight up calling himself a himbo

He was basically like "The queen needs someone brave, intelligent and devoted and I have at least two of those qualities!" 💀 baby
Mrs. Landlord isn't having any of D'Artagnan's shit and I love it
D'Artagnan: Well I love you and am an honorable man
Mrs. Landlord: Allegedly
MRS. LANDLORD JUST THREATENED TO FRAME D'ARTAGNAN FOR HER MURDER AT HER OWN HANDS IF HE BETRAYS HER JESUS CHRIST
"This was their mutual declaration of love" they met like teo days ago dude
Mrs. Landlord: so I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you're broke as hell considering how you haven't paid the last four month's rent
D'Artagnan: y-yeah
Mrs. Landlord, shoving the bag of gold the cardinal gave her husband: take this, go see Le Stár Wár
I...... love her
Oh no her husband's coming home oh fuck
OH GOD AND HE'S TALKING TO LORD HORSEROASTER NOOOOOOOOO
Oh wow she managed to actually talk him down from running back downstairs to fight that man this might actually be love on his part
Her husband's ratting her out while acting like she's too stupid to have noticed him explicitly aligning himself with the cardinal and confessing to being a spy, as though she weren't secretly a flooor above spying on him that very instant. I hate him
Oop and he's noticed that the money bag is gone and is now shouting in the streets for somebody to help him find it but nobody wants to because the cops are always at his place, serves you right bitch
CHAPTER 18: ~FIN pls free urself Mrs. Landlord
Time for a smol break, brb
CHAPTER 19: PLAN OF CAMPAIGN can't wait for Athos to be salty that they'll be traveling to England on behalf of not one, but two damsels in distress
Istg this book was written to be on film, everything's just so cinematic
Tréville: so you plan to go on this covert opps ass mission to another country ALONE. That's your plan.
D'Artagnan: Yup
Tréville: You realize that like
Tréville: you'll die basically immediately right
"Four must set out" Omg YES I'M AWARE OF WHAT BOOK IT IS I'M READING OK
Imagine if D'Artagnan just chose three randoms instead of his boyfriends lol
Oh no here's Aramis sulking around the house for some reason
So Aramis dodges D'Artagnan's questioning his moodiness by talking about the 18th chapter of St. Augustine (that he now is being forced to write in latin for the following week) and I fell into a REAL weird google hole while looking that up
Like does the church think Aramis is... possessed? Is the internet lying to me again because I hate when it does that
Wait does Aramis have a crush on the queen's girlfriend
I'm going to need a chart for these romantic entanglements soon because dear lord
Tréville's plan was to sneak Les Himbeaux to England under the guise of escorting Athos to a hospital for his wounds, a plan that was in no way communicated to Athos

So he's sitting here holding these leaves of absences that he didn't request looking at D'Artagnan like
Dkdkgkgk not Porthos kool-aid manning into the scene loudly yelling about this very thing
D'Artagnan: Are you ready to DIE for this cause
Aramis: LITERALLY WHAT CAUSE THO
Porthos (crying): I'M SO CONFUSED
Athos meanwhile is standing by his man during this and telling the others to stop asking so many questions 💖 the dedication
Porthos: What's the plan then
D'Artagnan: I was thinking we co-
Porthos: What if we split up the party and had Planchet follow behind us in D'Artagnan's clothes while D'Artagnan wears Planchet's clothes
D'Artagnan:
Porthos: you know, to confuse them
D'Artagnan: how high are u rn
It has not escaped my consideration, as these four make a pact to lift the all-important queen's letter from the corpse of their friend and continue on the world's most bleak relay race to England, that these men are being wasted on hurt feelings and a pair of earrings
Queen Anne Of Austria Go Undercover And Get Them Hoes Back Yourself Challenge
Athos is like "Or - OR - we could stick with the plan that I still haven't officially told about and pretend that you're escorting me to ~healing bathing waters~ or whatever tf
Aramis, gazing dreamily at his boyfriend: I love a smart man
CHAPTER 19: ~fin

Would you embark on a possibly fatal mission that your best bud wanted to conscript you to y/n circle
Whole lotta "y" showing up here rn, yall are better friends than I evidently
CHAPTER 20: THE JOURNEY hm wonder what's going to happen here
"and they felt that the life they were perhaps going to lose was, after all, a good thing" DUMAS IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THESE FICTIONAL MEN WE ARE HAVING A *DISCUSSION*
I'll bust out that ouija board in a SECOND don't play with me
The descriptions of the ~stately black horses~ Les Himbeaux are riding on rn are just making me sad for Ginger Thee Horse, I hope she's doing ok
Omfg Porthos just got into a swordfight with a local because he refused to toast the cardinal and the other three LEFT HIM THERE WTF
They were deadass like "Catch up with us after you kill him byeeeee" like bitch WHAT
Aramis: But why did that guy single out Porthos?
D'Artagnan: Because he was loud lol
Athos, suddenly longing to ring a bell: Wow babe ur so smart
It's been two hours and Porthos still hasn't joined them oh no GO BACK AND GET HIM OH MY GOD
Have the boys been drinking D'Artagnan Energy Juice or something because lmfao at some of these fights they're getting into rn
Specifically looking at u rn Aramis for getting into a fight over having to walk through mud
BITCH THEY HAD GUNS WTF
ARAMIS GOT SHOT TWICE WTF??????
Oh no Aramis got shot once and one of the servants (Mousqueton) was shot... in the junk I think, damn
I have no other way to interpret "the fleshy part which prolongs the lower portion of the loins" so could some cis dudes clarify

That's his dick, right
Anyway Aramis is dying
Aramis: these men will kill poor Porthtos if he comes this way
Athos: girl that bitch dead lol

You have been on the road for SIX HOURS yall WHAT THE FUCK
Thank you Dumas for the reminder that even while teetering on the edge of death Aramis is still beautiful

That's a genuine thank you btw I love it
Did they just leave him behind too

I remind you, again, that they embarked on this journey SIX (6) HOURS AGO
they just got to an inn but the only two available rooms were too far apart so now Athos and D'Artagnan are sleeping on the L'Floor Mattresse in the common area with the door barricaded, and one of the servants offered to lie across the door on a bed of straw for them
A: This is like the exact opposite of the "two bros sitting in the hot tub but 5 feet away cause it's not gay"
B: Planchet girl there is NO way you're being paid enough for this
Jesus one of the servants just got the shit beat out of him by the stable boys, why is this chapter such a disaster
Aaaaaaaah and with one of the fresh horses they brought with them being "mistakenly bled" in the middle of the night it is now obviously clear that the cardinal sent people after them
THEY JUST GOT JUMPED BY THE INNKEEPER JFC

LET THEM LIVE DUMAS, DAMN
Welp and Athos got left too, leaving D'Artagnan, The One Not-A-Musketeer
Oh shit they're already at the channel? I forgot how small europe was lmfao
Oh LORD so the cardinal closed off all english channel crossings so now D'Artagnan, after overhearing a whole conversation about this between a dude working for the cardinal and the ferry captain, is harassing the cardinal's dude for his letter because of course he is
"My brave young man, I will blow out your brains. Hola, Lubin! My pistols!" This is literally just a random encounter battle holy shit
Like you know that section of Pokémon Blue where you're in the cave where all the fairy types are and keep getting attacked by zoobats and random other fucks in the cave wanting to battle and you have no potions left and half of your team has fainted? That's this chapter's energy
Djkdkfkg D'Artagnan just stabbed this man three times and dedicated each stab to one of his fallen comrades and then the dude stabbed him back and was like "And this one's for YOU" and I just feel like I'm watching an amazing telanovela
"And one for me - the best for the last!" D'ARTAGNAN P L E A S E
Lmfao not D'Artagnan stealing this letter like he doesn't have a blood feud with a dude for stealing one of his letters
Well Damn Dumas said LEST YALL FUCKING FORGET HOW STUPID THIS IS
Four beautiful men have taken so many points of piercing damage behind these twice-stolen diamonds and I am PERTURBED
Planchet is holding this man to the ground by his throat saying that he'll scream the second he's let go because he's "...a Norman, and Normans are obstinate" as though anyone else wouldn't scream for help upon watching someone brutally murdered in their presence
But Normans getting bonuses on survival checks works too I guess
Wait make that bonuses on constitution saving throws because this bitch is still managing to yell for help despite being under actuve duress
💀 welp gagging him and tyinbg him to a tree works too I guess
OH MY GOD AND NOW D'ARTAGNAN IS FRAMING THE DUDE WHOSE LETTER HE JUST STOLE FOR HIS CRIMES FLKFKGKGKGK
Oh my god and now the cardinal's man and his bound and gagged servant are going to be arrested

how many fake D'Artagnans is the jail going to see throughout this book
This book is like "Yeah D'Artagnan got stabbed but it was, like, a SEXY wound that didn't ACTUALLY hurt him or anything" and again, I stan
"D'Artagnan did not know London; he did not know a word of English" oh that's right lol
Fkfkkg so he just wrote "Buckingham" on a piece of paper and asked for directions and actually managed to find him lol, what a time to be alive evidently
THE LETTER HAS BEEN DELIVERED AT LONG LAST
CHAPTER 20: ~fin

Also long live Mosqueton's dick evidently lol
https://twitter.com/erkhyan/status/1240076691407544325?s=21 https://twitter.com/Erkhyan/status/1240076691407544325
CHAPTER 21: THE COUNTESS DE WINTER ok everybody's been excited for me to get to this part so now I, too, am excited that I got to this part
Dumas you can't keep reminding us that D'Artagnan hot if you keep also keep reminding us that he's just a lil bb in a world of actual grown men
Bitch wh- Buckingham is fucking Grand Theft Horsing his way through the streets of London knocking people down and shit and my displeasure with him only deepens
Duke of Buckingham:
Me, outside his window:
Buckingham just leapt off of his horse not giving af about where it wandered off to afterwards and D'Artagnan is leading the horses back while praising horses' "noble merit" which he fUlLy ApPrEcIaTeD and just

🗣 JUSTICE FOR GINGER THEE HORSE and also fuck Buckingham [2]
Fuckingham
Anyway
Considering what all just happened it's impossible for me to read the description of Fuckingham's lush estate as anything other than a critique of English wealth
Whoops had to jambalaya BUT I'M BACK
"If you have the good fortune to be admitted to her Majesty's presence, tell her what you have seen." Oh bitch I hope he tells her EVERYTHING
OH GOD FUCKINGHAM HAS A HELGA PATAKI CLOSET SHRINE OF THE QUEEN JFC
YOU'RE WEIRD DUDE

GET HELP
Ah so "studs" refers to... a ribbon with diamonds in it I and not earrings I guess?
AH SO TWO OF THE DIAMONDS ARE MISSING
And were stolen by some woman named Comptess de Winter, who is undoubtedly the same woman the cardinal was being sexist about while calculating when the ball should be based on her response
Like if she's competent enough to steal diamonds for you I thiiiiink she's competent enough to show up to someplace on time my dude but what do I, a foolish womanly woman, know
"He has agents, then, throughout the world?????" D'Artagnan bb it's two countries
(This is in no way a stopping point but I gotta take a shower brb)
Fuckingham just closed the ports to keep the diamonds from leaving england and made it a formal declaration of war against france to hide why he's really doing it, glad to know this book didn't somehow get any less fantastically extra as I showered
Fuckingham: I would do ANYTHING for the queen! I would betray my own country! I would start a war! She asked me to stop sending the french working class aid one time and how could I say no to that face
D'Artagnan: Wow yall REALLY don't give a shit about us huh
...Fuckingham is tasking his jeweler with finding two identical diamonds and is paying him 3000 pistoles PER DIAMOND to get them by tonight and just
And not but two paragraphs later he basically imprisons the man in his house until he finishes the diamonds so
a) same, and
b) Fuck you buckingham [∞]
At least he's paying him extra I guess
Oh my god and Fuckingham wants to keep the casket the diamonds came in after all of that oh my GOD YOU HIMBO WHY
Fuckingham wants to pay D'Artagnan for the journey he just lost three friends and a servant on and he's actually being way more diplomatic in telling him to blow it out his ass than I would be in this situation so cheers to that bro
Fuckingham: At LEAST take these horses to your friends
D'Artagnan: Cool will do, can't wait to beat your ass on the field of battle
Fuckingham: lol same ttyl~ 😘
Oh yep there's a 0% chance that Lord Horseroaster's hunnie from before, who D'Artagnan just saw at the port trying to leave for France, isn't Comptess de Winter
CHAPTER 21: ~FIN eat the rich jfc
CHAPTER 22: THE BALLET OF LA MERLAISON i hope ridiculous ballet assassins are somehow involved in this
Oh boo it's literally just a regular non-deadly dance I guess
Y'know it could be where we're at rn like, societally, but it's fucking wildly distasteful to me that the king is throwing this lavish ball that must have cost hundreds of thousands of pistoles or whatever just as the rich person version of giving your s/o flowers after a fight
I sure hope France eventually finds a way to hold them to account for this! Perhaps some kind of bladed invention; I'm sure they'll come up with a name for it
TAKE NOTES FRANCE
https://twitter.com/elle_tiburon/status/1241445038837694464?s=21 https://twitter.com/elle_tiburon/status/1241445038837694464
On a related note there was just a solid paragraph of French names prefixed by "comte" and I'm really hoping I won't have to remember any of them
WHY DID THE QUEEN SHOW UP TO THE BALL WITHOUT THE DIAMONDS.

WHYMST.
SO MANY BEAUTIFUL MEN HAVE BEEN BEATEN UP AND STABBED OVER THESE FUCKING DIAMONDS WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING THEM OH MY GOD
The king is just here berating his wife for not wearing the diamonds to this ball and the nobles around them are just like "Oh no, l'cringé"
OH so on top of every other extravagance this is also a COSTUME party and the diamonds were in her COSTUME ok I guess
King: You're MISSING two diamonds, checkmate whench
Queen: hoe can you count
Queen: like at all
Cardinal: W-Well I just wanted to give them to you as a gift!
Queen: didn't know you had money like that but they're cute I guess
Aww D'Artagnan's there! And he just got whisked away by a hottie in a black gown and velvet mask omg I LOVE THE INTRIGUE
It's Madam Landlord!!! FUCK I LOVE THIS BOOK
She just led him through a bunch of Secret Tunnels to the closet of the queen's quarters which seems... dangerous

Like why would you have a secret entrance to your CLOSET, *especially* as a queen
Anyway he's in there eavesdropping on the queen gushing about how fun the ball was to her servants when I read this: "and as it is not possible to contradict a queen, whether she smile or weep, everybody expatiated on the gallantry of the aldermen of the city of Paris."
Uh-
Gotta go to a game planning meeting; be back around 6-ish!
Oh my godddd the queen just extended her arm wordlessly through the crack in the door for D'Artagnan to kiss it in order to get his reward (a ring) and I am scREAMING

QUEEN

SHIT
Madam landlord, at long last: bitch why are you still here go home
D'Artagnan: but how will I ever see you again???
Madam landlord: there's a note at your house for you about that GO HOME

I love her?? From now on she's Madam Spy lemme put some respek on it
CHAPTER 22: FIN France Give Your Stolen Diamonds Back Challenge
CHAPTER 23: THE ✨ℛℰ𝒩𝒟ℰ𝒵𝒱𝒪𝒰𝒮✨
Oh my god

So D'Artagnan made an allusion to the night "just beginning" at 3, because that's when dinner would be served and it was only 2:15 at the time

And I was like "clearly they mean 3PM, like it's early but not as bonkers as eating dinner at 3AM"

WELP IT WAS 3AM
That sounds goddamn exhausting jesus christ

And like it's not like anyone invited could just not attend because clearly these petty fucks dgaf about mobilizing literal armies over stupid social slights
Oh well I guess they'll have to cry into their money about it
Anyway D'Artagnan just did the super secret special knock on his front door that only Planchet knows and the annotations were like "Yes girl we, too, remember that he was left for dead after being jumped by the inkeeper's farmhands when we last saw him"
"In the intervening time Buckingham perhaps sent him to Paris, as he did the horses" annotations this just (very shadily) presents even more questions
Damn somehow Madam Spy managed to tracelessly break into D'Artagnan's house and plant the letter AUGH I love this book
Imagine writing better female characters in the 1800s than a lot of folks are doing today, in the year of our lord Two-Thousand and Twenty
Planchet is like "IT'S WITCHCRAFT SIRE DON'T OPEN IT" bby please
The rendezvous is just to pick up the horses that the duke promised D'Artagnan and not something forbidden which is a let down BUT THERE'S STILL SOME CHAPTER LEFT so I have hope
Oh shit here comes the landlord
Landlord: How are you, sweet dear tenant
D'Artagnan: Tired from chasing your wife's affection all day
Landlord: what
D'Artagnan: what
You know what I want to keep making fun of the landlord for being so precious about having stayed in the Bastille for a day (because hate him) but I forgot that this was back when they were super wild with the methods and applications of torture so... I feel u dude, begrudgingly
If people from Gascony have such amazing eyesight why is D'Artagnan failing all these "is ur landlord spying on u y/n circle" ass perception checks
Landlord: please ditch your plans and keep me company tonight I get night terrors from my day in the Bastille
D'Artagnan: why would I do that when you have a whole entire wife
Landlord: because she's busy tonight too
D'Artagnan:
Literally left that conversation to go hit on the man's wife. Cold blooded af and I am LIVING
There's like a 0% chance that the cardinal doesn't hear about this tho so D'artagnan I hope it was worth it bb
D'Artagnan just asked Tréville "what have I to fear?" In relation to retaliation from the cardinal as though he hadn't watched his three besties and their servants be sliced and diced by the the cardinal's agents last week
Like shit even Planchet was presumably reanimated from the dead in order to keep working for you dude so maybe like don't underestimate the cardinal
Tréville, to D'Artagnan: ...sell that diamond for the highest lrice you can get fron [the jeweler]. However much if a Jew he may be-
Me, trying to have a nice time in 2020: OH COME ON
DUMAS I-
UGH

ANYWAY
Alright let me finish this chapter now that I'm recovered from it slapping me across the face with random antisemitism
D'Artagnan girl if you don't sell this goddamn diamond and keep it moving
"Will they dare to arrest a man in his Majesty's service???" D'Artagnan Athos LITERALLY just got out of prison for taking the fall for you put some respek on his name
Tréville, like the very next sentence: Bitch did you forget Athos ooooor
Tréville you may be antisemitic but on THIS ONE THING (stanning Athos) we are in agreement

Be better tho pls
Tréville: The cardinal's men are everywhere. If someone tries to fight you pls just walk away for the love of god
D'Artagnan, thinking of the duels he already has lined up
"A woman will sell you fot ten pistoles" TRÉVILLE YOU ARE TRYING MY LAST GODDAMN NERVE RN
"But we are bound to say, to the credit of our hero, that the bad opinion entertained by [Tréville] of women in general, did not inspire him with the least suspicion of his lretty hostess" Dumas was readily sipping on that Respect Women Juice when he wrote this huh
Bram Stoker's somewhere mad right now and doesn't know why
THE THREE MUSKETEERS ARE STILL SCATTERED AROUND FRANCE BLEEDING OH MY GOD

D'ARTAGNAN NEVER WENT BACK FOR THEM
Even Tréville's like "HOE TF YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE GO FIND THEM" and SAME jfc D'Artagnan
This is the reply that made me realize this book is like what would happen if there were three* Quincy Morrises (rip) and all of them were French

*: Porthos my love I'm sorry but ur too fancy to be A Cowboy™
https://twitter.com/fadeaccompli/status/1242592526210646020?s=21 https://twitter.com/fadeaccompli/status/1242592526210646020
Fjkfkg anyway D'Artagnan's like "Yeah I can go tomorrow I got a thing tonight" and Tréville is sounding like somebody's drunk uncle talking about how woman was the downfall of man sonce biblical times, All Old Men Are The Same Person [∞]
Tréville literally who broke your heart because you need to let that shit go bby
Dkflkg sorry for he break I was talking to my roommate about gender identities ANYWAY
"He called successively at the abodes of Athos, Porthos, and Aramis" makes sense right up until you remember that the telephone hasn't been invented yet so like was he just standing outside their doors yelling
D'Artagnan's confused that the lackies are also absent like he didn't watch them get beat tf up and left for dead on their journey to London
God bless Planchet saying that he noticed the landlord's telling facial expressions due to his witch paranoia at the letter mysteriously showing up in their apartment, somebody needs to be paying some attention
"Wr will not pay him our rent until the matter shall be categorically explained to us" girl you weren't paying no damn rent in the first place lol
Planchet was like "ASA YOU GOT JOKES" immediately after that lmao bless him
CHAPTER 23: ~FIN

Me looking for the rendezvous in this chapter that didn't happen
CHAPTER 24: THE PAVILLION
Wait a sec I'm confused

I was under the assumption that D'Artagnan was meeting Madam Spy to collect the horses Fuckingham paid him in, but this chapter begins by stating that the horses are showing up on their own so like
A) how, and
B) what is he getting at this ~rendezvous~
Bless you Planchet [2] for being reasonably skeptical that he and his employer, that people in power want to see ruined, mayyyyybe aren't super safe in the spoky ass dark woods they're currently riding through
Planchet: Dude you're a wanted man maybe we should be more careful
D'Artagnan: Bro are you SCARED lol
Planchet:
Planchet: Yes
Planchet: because I have common fucking sense
D'Artagnan: well I'm here on time, can't wait to see the object of my horniness
D'Artagnan, half an hour later and in the same spot: Maybe I should have like. Gotten the exact address before coming all the way tf out here
Oh NO so he climbed a tree to peek into the one window of The Pavillion™ that had lights on and found a crime scene so Madam Spy has clearly been kidnapped
D'Artagnan you can't just pound on stranger's doors in the middle of the night and then get miffed that they're scared of you, like dude you have a sword and two guns who tf wouldn't be scared of you in this circumstance
OF COURSE THE DUDE WHO KIDNAPPED HER WAS THE NAMELESS LORD HORSEROASTER (Dumas pls name this man I am begging you)
This reveal brought to you by this twice-bribed impoverished man who, after being told that he would be ended if he snooped on what lord horseroaster and his men were up to, did what all of us would do and snooped anyway cause fuck it
Also props to D'Artagnan for bribing this man considerably more than lord horseroaster did, we love some... well I can't call it class solidarity because D'Artagnan's a noble or whatever now but either way we love it
"If only I had my three friends here!!" D'ARTAGNAN GO FIND THEM THEN BITCH
Poor Planchet is lost now because D'Artagnan left his ass cold and alone on the side of the road and tbqh he deserves to have spent six hours trying to find him
that's why you don't leave people on the side of the road alone when you're on the run from the law my good bitch
D'Artagnan: fuck
D'Artagnan: guess there's nothing left to do but drink a bottle of wine and eavesdrop on people to try to get some more clues
D'Artagnan, waking up at dawn after drunkenly faing asleep: FUCK
Fkkgkg and all this time Planchet was (presumably) safely in a roadside inn, because he has fucking sense god bless
CHAPTER 24: ~FIN this chapter had 100% more pavilions than the last chapter had rendezvouses so there's that at least
Ok I gotta take a shower brb
CHAPTER 25: P- Porthos oh no
IF *ANYTHING* BAD HAPPENS TO MY BB ALEXANDRE WE ARE HAVING W O R D S
So one of the dudes who kidnapped Madam Spy was described as a raggedy old man with no class and D'Artagnan, who just realized that his own landlord is a raggedy old man with no class, is (finally) putting two and two together
The landlord is trying to clown D'Artagnan for walk of shaming his way back home at 7am like both their shoes aren't caked with the exact same mud from the exact same kidnapping scene and our bb is NOT having it god bless
Also bless him for his extremely uncharacteristic restraint here in admittedly wanting to beat his landlord's ass for being complicit in the kidnapping of his own wife and making the conscious decision not to do so, WE 👏🏾 STAN 👏🏾 GROWTH 👏🏾
Landlord: Why are your boots so damn dirty
D'Artagnan: Bitch why are YOUR boots so damn dirty
Landlord, sweating: Yeah well I was going through the mud in the exact opposite direction of certain kidnappings that you may or may not have witnessed
D'Artagnan:
The fact that I am so far into this chapter and nothing even remotely related to Porthos has come up is making me worry that this is another """rendezvous""" situation
D'Artagnan really went and made this man get him water while he snooped around his apartment. A king
Uuuuuuh and evidently the captain of the cardinal's guards showed up at D'Artagnan's and just left because he wasn't home so that's not deeply ominous or anything
UUUUUUUUUH AND EVIDENTLY THE CARDINAL TOLD HIM TO TELL D'ARTAGNAN THAT HIS FORTUNE MAY DEPEND ON THEM MEETING
Whoops almost got horny on main
Goddammit marijuana

Anyway
The amount of successful social maneuvering Planchet did to keep literally any of them from getting in trouble... they really need to be paying you better bb
Planchet: So are you going to go ride out and meet him?
D'Artagnan: fuck no bitch we're getting our friends back
Me: FINALLY
D'Artagnan, Planchet and their small herd of horses show up at the inn Porthos got into the fight at and the bartender's so impressed by D'Artagnan throwing money everywhere that he just immediately tells him everything
PORTHOS IS STILL ALIVE TO FANCY ANOTHER DAY
Djkfjg wh-
D'Artagnan: what became of him??
Innkeeper: oh he's right upstairs
Innkeeper: laid up in my house and running up my bills
D'Artagnan: He's been in surgery too? tf happened to him
Innkeeper: Yeah I can't tell you because your dude said he'd cuss me and my staff CLEAR tf out if I did and uh-
Innkeeper: he terrifies us
D'Artagnan: yeah legit tbqh
The innkeeper just told D'Artagnan to announce himself before knocking on the door because Porthos might KILL him otherwise bitch WHAT
HE GAMBLED AWAY ALL HIS MONEY AND *THAT'S* WHY HE CANT PAY THE SURGEON? BITCH 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓???
Innkeeper: when I told him to leave after he cussed me out for telling him not to gamble away other people's horses, he refused on the grounds that my inn was the best and aw shucks, who am I to say no
D'Artagnan: dude are you fr
Welp and then shortly after that Porthos threatened to shoot anyone who told him to leave because he was expecting a fancy lady guest soooo that went... well
The innkeeper snooped to find out who Porthos's girlfriend is and said he did "nothing which was not right in the character of a creditor" which leads me to believe that it was something truly heinous
Aw I take it back, what's a little mail fraud between, uh, "friends"
Dkflkfkgkh evidently this "high class lady" is some 50 year old lawyer's wife who sent him a letter back telling him to get fucked

I have no idea what the context is here but I have a feeling Porthos deserves it
Oh dang this chapter is long as hell, I might have to call it a night
ALRIGHT let's figure out wtf is going on with my beautiful disaster of a husband who keeps terrorizing this poor inkeeper
Fkfkgk evidently within like three seconds of stepping outside to duel this dude Porthos got his shit entirely wrecked, bro this us your JOB get it together please
! The dude who stabbed my husband was looking for D'ARTAGNAN omg

How many people will be wounded and jailed behind this goofy man
Dkfkkg
Inkeeper: yeah once he found out that Porthos wasn't D'Artagnan he got on his horse and galloped off
D'Artagnan, in a fake mustache probably: W-Wow sure would hate to be that D'Artagnan fellow, handsome as he probably is
OH MY GOD AND PORTHOS DOESN'T KNOW HE JUST GOT DUMPED AND IS STILL EXPECTING HIS MONEY LMFAOOOOOOOO
I know D'Artagnan did not just say that Porthos's mistress will forgive him because he's way out of her league, the rudity
Let her have standards D'Artagnan dang
"[after promising not to blab on the inkeer and pay for Porthos], D'Artagnan went upstairs, leaving his host a little better satisfied with respect to two things in which he appeared to be very much interested - his debt and his life." Dumas I love you and also #mood
Porthos is holed up in this hotel room with a full ass banquet just for him and Mousqueton and knowing that he (usually) pays for shit like this with money he earns slangin dick takes it from distasteful to dope
Porthos: I'd get up and greet you bb but wouldn't you know it right at the SECOND I was about to best my opponent in combat I tripped and hurt my knee
D'Artagnan, internally: MMMM OH MY GOD
D'Artagnan, externally: say more on that
At least he was honest about gambling away all his money lmao
Mousqueton bby this charming family story is a whole mess. D'Artagnan just wanted to know a recipe, not the way in which your father was murdered for playing to both sides of a religious war and how you and your brother, on opposite sides of said war, avenged him
They've been literally hunting game and gathering (read: stealing) wine this whole time; kings
(Sorry for the absence, my roommate just told me about hair pulling bees and I needed a LOT of time to recover because???)
(THEY PULL YOUR HAIR INSTEAD OF STINGING YOU I JUST-)
A N Y W A Y Mosqueton is telling a roundabout story about somebody in his lackey network that went to ~the new world~ as a way to explain his wine theft so I am VERY interested to know where tf this goes
Oh my god he learned how to lasso

He's been stealing the wine with a fucking lasso
I am choosing to believe that Mousqueton's lackey friend worked for Quincy "The Cowboy" Morris

I don't even care that this character is Spanish and that this story took place hundreds of years before his (fictional) birth I STILL BELIEVE™
D'Artagnan: well dude glad to see you're "well" but I gotta go make sure our other friends are ok
Porthos: thanks dude
D'Artagnan: and I hope that the response from your mistress is, uh,
D'Artagnan: prompt
CHAPTER 25: ~FIN

Mousqueton deserves his own novel tbqh what a life
CHAPTER 26: ARAMIS AND HIS THESIS

is that what we're calling mistresses now and shouldn't it be "theses" in that case
Wait D'Artagnan was just described as "a Béarnaise" and unless he's suddenly now a sauce that means he's from Béarn? But we've heard so much about him being A Gascon™ and now I'm confused; Dumas pls I am not French
"Besides, we feel always a sort of mental superiority over those whose lives we know better than they suppose" Alexandre Dumas confirmed for Gossip Girl
I love him
I take it back oh my GOD

I have been sitting here for an eternity trying to parse ONE SINGLE SENTENCE that basically said "D'Artagnan was lost to his concentration on the matters at hand" but was written with 3959969679 words cause Dumas is gonna Dumas
Like

"Nothing makes the time pass more quickly or more shortens a journey than the thought which absorbs in itself all the faculties of the organization of him who thinks."

Bruh

W h y
That said he goes on to describe that D'Artagnan is so consumed by the heaviness of his girlfriend being kidnapped and his bleeding, scattered friends being who knows where that the entire day of travel is a featureless blur and honestly? MOOD
Last we left Aramis he was left brutally wounded at an inn and now that we're soon to see him again he's *checks notes* in the same place, cool
!! What! He's returned to his like, priestly work? You couldn't even send a letter dude damn
Wait his mistress disappeared

When

Tf
Anyeay we learned this because Aramis's lackey was hoping that being shot after his mistress disappeared would turn him back to the Lord for good so we'll see how that goes
Bazin (Aramis's lackey) tried to keep D'Artagnan out of their room and D'Artagnan just pushed him of the way and went in anyway 💀
Time to find out what a discipline cord is
ALRIGHTY THEN MOVING ON
Oh no Aramis is so deep in the God Zone that he barely reacted to seeing D'Artagnan alive
Aramis: D'Artagnan, it's so lovely to see yo-
D'Artagnan, upon surveying this and his two churchman colleagues with him: NERD ALERT
The two priests are glaring at D'Artagnan rn and he's just like
Aramis is out here trying to get ordained like war weren't just declared, sir please
Sorry let's circle back to this for a second: are D'Artagnan and Aramis both seeing Madam Spy because lmfao if so

https://twitter.com/xodrventure/status/1245126132426555392?s=21 https://twitter.com/xodrventure/status/1245126132426555392
Real glad I took Latin in high school for the amount of it that's showing up untranslated in this book rn
Anyway D'Artagnan is sitting here being subjected to Aramis mulling over metaphysical philosophy wishing he were anywhere else doing anything else and bb I feel it
I'm learning so much about Catholicism rn
Ah heck I gotta call it a night, I have jambalaya to make and a floor to mop
I'M BACK let's finish this chapter of Aramis being a boring nerd
I'm very genuinely wondeting if the point of this chapter was for Dumas to flex his knowledge on Catholicism because like, bruh
Aramis: maybe original sin isn't all it's cracked up to be as a concept, you know? That's my thesi-
L'Nerd 1: HERETIC
L'Nerd 2, already halfway out of a window: I SAW GOODY ARAMIS WITH THE DEVIL
I feel for D'Artagnan because it would be impossible for me to feign interest in what's happening here outside of desperately trying to extricate my friend from it
"Now your thesis would please the ladies-"
Unchaining us from bearing the social responsibility of 🐍tHe OrIgInAl SiN🍎 is lit ngl but if it means I'd have to sit around listening to all of this all the time idk that it'd be worth it
Aramis: Dope, I love pleasing the ladies if you know what I mean lol
L'Nerd1: Dude you realize you can't serve both booty and the Lord right
D'Artagnan just muttered "Plague stifle you and your Latin!" at Aramis and Les Nerdés 1 et 2 for continuing to Lorem Ipsum at eachother and HONESTLY is he WRONG
THE NERDS ARE FINALLY GONE
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