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Just put my cap on to test if I can go incognito like Joe Goldberg... I am now tweeting from inside a cell via a Nokia 3310 an inmate pulled out of his anus
Will keep you updated as the events unfold but I'm currently witnessing a man cook lasagna from inside a kettle
Taste test soon. Origin of the meat? Currently unknown. Asked him for his halal certificate he told me to go fuck myself.. I'm building an alliance
Update: I can confirm that the lasagna is indeed rat meat. Unsure if he meant a snitch or the common street vermin. Not exactly sure which one I hope it is more.
They've given me a slice of lasagna on an afro comb which I'm assuming will be my plate. Resourceful. I've told them it's against my religion to eat. He asked if I've ever eaten lasagna, I told him I've never eaten in my life.
Awaiting his response.
Conversation has swayed, he believes I've never ingested food before. Progress. He's now teaching me jail code and has told me to stick an ass cheek in between the cell door bars as a greeting to the guards. Their form of communication predates human intelligence. But I will try.
The other prisoners started howling as my left cheek touched the cell door bars. I have apparently announced myself as the prisons wife. Unsure yet what this means.. I will begin my research.
After extensive research I've now found out the responsibilities that this job title holds. I am now in fear. I've asked them to please say sike.
I am currently doing everything within my power to relieve myself of said duties. Apparently there is a way.. currently undergoing more prison code classes. Will keep you updated.
After what has seemed like an eternity filled with darkness I have found out that my mistake was using my left cheek instead of my right. Rookie. If I repeat the same action with my right I will cancel out my previous job application because of BODMAS.
Note: I do not believe my current source of prison information but I have to escape the bondage I've got myself in to. Hopeful.
My hopes of undoing the matter were in vain. Aggressive depression. The only TRUE way I can escape the subjugation I face in this correctional facility is to sing Despacito to the white supremacists that reside within the prison before the cock crows twice tomorrow morning.
I can hear the echoes of the prisoners calling me a "dirty little slut". Whatever happened to black lives matter? But anyway, I digress. For now I must sleep. My road to salvation begins tomorrow. Nelson Mandela-esque.
