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I have a friend that recently had to deal with being the victim in an abusive relationship he finally escaped.
Another friend, who himself has never been in that situation, couldn't understand why someone could stay with a person that treats them like dirt and abuses them.
Another friend, who himself has never been in that situation, couldn't understand why someone could stay with a person that treats them like dirt and abuses them.
The friend that was abused would be screamed at and shouted at on a routine basis, and my other friend said "I would never let someone yell at me like that. If they did, I'd leave."
He's not aware of how narcissistic sociopaths behave.
He's not aware of how narcissistic sociopaths behave.
I told him that these sorts of abusers prey primarily on mild-mannered, kind people. They do this because in order for their manipulation to work, their victim needs to be the sort of person that would be quick to accept and address blame, and too meek to stand up for themselves.
It starts out well. The relationship seems happy. Content. The narcissist needs this time to help their victim develop a fondness for them. To care. To feel invested. They have to take the time to allow the relationship to bloom.
It's then that the real manipulation begins.
It's then that the real manipulation begins.
It starts out small. They'll make some demand or request that you'll refuse, and then they'll start with the mind games. They'll act upset and hurt, and when you ask what's wrong, they'll make sure to let you know that it's your fault they're upset. YOU did it.
From there, it grows. More demands, more requests, and more fights where the manipulator INSISTS that you're the reason the two of you are fighting. It's YOUR fault. YOU screwed up, and YOU hurt them, and YOU need to make it right...and because you're kind and meek, you agree.
Over time, this manipulation comes to include gas-lighting. People seem to think "gas-lighting" is just lying. It's not. No, not even close.
It's a far, far more insidious method of manipulation with a much, much more demented goal in mind.
It's a far, far more insidious method of manipulation with a much, much more demented goal in mind.
If you start to question the validity of the relationship, the narcissist will accuse you of giving up on them. They'll go on and on about how HARD they're trying to make things work, but you just don't care anymore! They're the one trying to preserve the relationship!
And because you're kind and meek, you'll agree. You'll try harder, because it's YOUR fault that things aren't working, and YOU promised to give them as much love as they give you, because they DO give you love. Right?
Of course! They give you love every time you do what you're told. Every time you agree with them, or compliment them, or let them look through your text messages, or read your email...
Always sure to tell you how much they love you, and how happy they are that you're trying.
Always sure to tell you how much they love you, and how happy they are that you're trying.
Even when they tell you which friends you can associate with, you agree because you know how many times in the past you've fucked up. You know because they never fail to tell you how bad you fucked up, and how it's your fault, and how you need to try harder...
...and you always do.
You try harder, because that's one more day that can go by without them berating, and chastising, and denigrating, and screaming at you about what a failure you are because you promised them you'd do better and you're NOT!
You try harder, because that's one more day that can go by without them berating, and chastising, and denigrating, and screaming at you about what a failure you are because you promised them you'd do better and you're NOT!
Sometimes, you find a moment to slip away. Your job, your classes, your hobbies...times when you can be alone, away from their influence...but never TRULY away, because you know it's only a matter of time before they text you, and GOD FORBID you fail to answer that text!
Because now you're being "distant" and "neglectful." You're making them feel "alone."
They don't tell you that the reason they don't want you off the leash for too long is because you might start thinking for yourself, nooo...they hide all of that under a veneer of "love."
They don't tell you that the reason they don't want you off the leash for too long is because you might start thinking for yourself, nooo...they hide all of that under a veneer of "love."
They'll cut you off from any friends you have that might convince you that you're the victim, and if the day somehow comes that you finally demand to leave, their response will run the full gamut of manipulation.
First, they'll beg. The narcissist isn't too proud to beg if they fear their victim is attempting to escape. This is where they'll actually admit that perhaps SOME of the blame is theirs, and sure, they did make some mistakes and the two of you should REALLY talk this out...
...this is a ruse to get you to drop your guard again. It just means they have to try and rebuild the cage of manipulation they'd had you snared in. Often, this is sufficient to ensnare their victim once again, but sometimes...well, what if it didn't work?
What if you resist?
What if you resist?
The narcissist moves on to abuse. They will become enraged. They will scream at you for how you're ruining everything, and how this is your fault, and they will attempt to use intimidation and threats to FORCE you to buckle, because it's worked before.
What if you STILL resist?
What if you STILL resist?
If the narcissist truly feels they've lost control; if mind-games didn't work, and bargaining didn't work, and neither intimidation nor threats worked, then the narcissist will enact the final part of their plan...
Destruction.
Destruction.
The narcissist will destroy you emotionally, psychologically, and if they can, financially and socially. They will do everything they can to strip items of value (monetary and sentimental alike) from you, and make sure you feels ashamed in the process.
If they can, they will destroy your reputation. The truth will be twisted into lies and used against you. Your friends, your family, your co-workers...they'll reach out to everyone they can to tell them how HARD they tried to make it work, and how YOU were the true abuser.
They'll play the victim. They'll lament endlessly about how terrible everything was, and how nothing they did was good enough for you, and how they wanted things to work but you just never cared. How you neglected them, and made them feel alone...
And while the narcissist will eventually move on to a new victim, you're left a wreck - scarred from years of having to second-guess everything you did and said because THEY kept making you question your motives, your perceptions, and even your own actions.
It'll be years before you're able to run errands without having a panic attack, because you remember how many times you had to face a slew of verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse for forgetting to bring home the right brand of pasta sauce or return the DVD to Redbox.
Hopefully, if any of this describes a situation you've been in, you're doing better now. If you're lucky, you have friends that love and support you, and that understand what you went through.
And if you're STILL going through this, please...seek help. It is NOT okay, and it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Tell a friend, tell a co-worker, tell SOMEBODY!
Nobody deserves to go through hell like this.
Nobody.
Nobody deserves to go through hell like this.
Nobody.
