The first thing they asked was when I was going to complete the classes, and I said hopefully this quarter.

They didn’t like that response.

They then basically threatened to suspend my scholarship if I don’t finish those classes soon, like this month.

Like ok. Can we go back to how I just disclosed that I’ve had a terrible end to 2019? AND had to reduce my course load this quarter while still being considered a full-time student?

Honestly, this is part of why I’m weary about promoting “Indigenous excellence” or catering to a western view of “success” because of the colonizing expectation to perform or do better than other Native students and White students.

Like, these Native scholarship orgs force us to participate in “meritocracy” and reinforce the idea we “walk into two worlds” to highlight “Indigenous success” and if we don’t meet their colonizing expectations, then it’s our fault.

Honestly, there needs to be a push against our communities about what it means to be “successful” and how violent the metrics they use and have in place are colonizing and continue to recycle trauma and violence against us, especially youths with aspirations to go to college.

Not to mention these metrics ignore the trauma and violence that we face everyday and encourages these orgs and communities to gaslight us just because we’re not being “successful”.